This page is depressing, so here’s something fun. Yes, I consider Taylor Swift fun! 😁

Sections:

• Deeply Damaging

• This Would Be Closure (Questions I Wish He'd Answer)

• What He'll Never Do

Dramatic End + No Closure =
 Deeply Damaging

This relationship was damaging for a multitude of reasons, like dealing with and having no logical explanations for the following: The shock of an unforeseen and abrupt end. The cruelty. His extreme and abnormal actions. His personalized attacks which weaponized every vulnerability, insecurity, or deep wound I'd entrusted him with. His indifference towards my suffering. Being subjected to pure hatred from someone I only ever loved and would've never harmed. The massive contradictions in situation, his words, and his character I could go on..

This Would Be Closure

I would love to sit down, ask him questions, and get TRUTHFUL answers without being belittled and harmed in the process. That is not something he will ever provide.
 

It would be nice to know a few things about our relationship with absolute certainty. But I know that'll never happen. He never contributed anything positive to our relationship, why the heck would he contribute something productive now that he's completely destroyed it? He won't, because it wouldn't do much of anything for him. He made it clear he'd never do anything for me.
 

I'd love to speak with him if he had no ulterior motives. Like entertainment, sex or saving face, etc. In other words, I wish I could talk to the real him. I wish he were capable of being himself with me. But I suppose he may not know who the hell he actually is. OR maybe, who he really is is the monster he was during all those abusive moments. Maybe he simply loves to cause pain, and that is all he lives for. I can't get closure from that.
 

In a more ideal world

He'd let me tell him how I feel without insulting or attacking me for feeling that way.  He would not hurt me again right after I've forgiven him for all the other pain he's inflicted.
  

We'd say goodbye, mutually.. He and I would BOTH get to say what we needed to say, and respond to one another with respect instead of games, insults and silence. He would be a better person. He'd stop hurting me and denying me the right to be heard, respected and considered.
   

It would be healing If he could just listen to me without making it all about himself. If he could hear my questions and pain without automatically thinking only about how it makes HIM feel.. For him to think about me for my sake, instead of his own. He could never do that.
 

It was always all about him. When I tried to get what I needed, he'd become even more abusive. Every time I would insist on being treated correctly, he'd lash out about how I was 'wronging him', then stonewall me and run away. I assume 100% of his 'feelings' for me were false, but he will never own the truth and share it with me. I don't think he ever even liked me.
 

He blurred reality so badly for me. The fact that trying to figure out the validity of our relationship is this challenging makes me more inclined to believe it was complete bullshit from someone who just used me to pass the time. It shouldn't be so hard to know if someone cared about you or not.. That's pretty sad.
 

He was such a horrible partner I can't even know what we were. Just like when we were together. Oh wow. Cute. His gaslighting is almost as infuriating as his disrespectful, ego-fueled rages. It still has me messed up. It won't forever though.
 

Immediately after the main discard, closure would have been him explaining why the hell he did that to me. I'd like HONEST answers to a lot of questions. Sadly, the man with the answers refuses to be honest, authentic or any of the wonderful things he told me he was.
 

Some of my questions to him would be:

• Why were you always so disappointed, disgusted and angry with me? 

• Did you ever actually believe any of the beautiful things you told me about what you wanted and what I meant to you?
   
• Was anything about our relationship real?
   
• Why did you tell me you wanted to have a baby right now, and that you wanted to marry me within two years..but then shame, scold and abandon me for mentioning falling in love with you afterward?
   
• Why did you make time for everything but me?—Why did you have time for video games, talking to ex girlfriends, Snapchatting hot girls that are half your age, but no time to ever call and talk to me?
   
• How could you abandon me after I stood by you no matter what, and forgave things I should've never been put through by the man I loved and trusted?
   
• Why did you not appreciate how hard I was trying, and how little I was settling for just so I could be there FOR YOU? Yet do absolutely nothing for me, and angrily attack me when I'd finally ask to be seen, heard, and cared for too?
   
• Why couldn't you just let me love you without trying to break me down and push me around?
   
• What was I getting in the way of that was so much more important to you?
   
• How could you be so heartless and hateful to someone who only ever loved you, forgave you, and tried to do right by you?*
   
• Were you ever looking for a serious relationship with potential like you said? Or was it all just you saying what you thought I wanted to hear so you could sleep with me?
   
• Did you only ask me to be your girlfriend because I wouldn't sleep with you the first time you let me know you wanted to while we were kissing a lot on that long date? Did you seriously fabricate something this damaging to another human being just to have sex or 'win'? And with a woman who let you know she'd been 100% celibate for over seven years because she'd been abused and taken advantage of last time she was with a man?? Did you really do that!? Are you that awful?? I hope not, but I forgive you either way.
   
• Why did your pride and ego matter more to you than I ever did? Does it provide you with something better than love and a future?
   
• Why couldn't you ever talk with me to compromise, understand and support?
   
• Why did it always have to be a war with you?
   
• Were you already seeing someone, or a few people, when we met?
   
• You didn't actually get me anything for my birthday, did you? Is it because you knew you'd be gone? 
   
• Why did you HATE and/or doubt everything I said when I was being ridiculously considerate, patient, forgiving, loyal, loving and sincere?
   
• Can you feel anything?
   
• Why did you accuse me of trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty when I shared vulnerable words?
   
• Why did you claim to adore me, then accuse me of shady things you should've known I'd never do to anyone, especially you?? I don't play games. I was telling you how I felt to communicate the way people are supposed to, not to make you feel any sort of way! I never tried to make you feel anything, other than loved- because you were.
   
• What's it like being you?
   
• Is there anything I could have done to actually help you?
   
• How many other women were you sleeping with while I thought we were in a committed relationship?
   
• Was your 'ex' Rose just another woman like me who you were leading on too? Or was she make-believe like the girl at work?
   
• Why did you always make the main point of any issue I brought up, you proving you were 'right' and I was 'wrong'—When all I was ever wanting was for us to have a healthy conversation in which we could both be heard and considered? I wanted to solve issues and get to know you better, that's it. I wanted us to work together to make our relationship stronger.. You only seemed to want to prove that I was weaker.
   
• Why do your prefer destroying someone good, over building something great with them?
   
• Why did you always have plenty to say when you'd lash out and tear me apart, but never could say simple things you knew would build me and our relationship up??
   
• Why were you so cruel to me?
   
• Did you only want to have a baby with me to gain more control and cause suffering? Thank goodness I kept being safe. Remember how while we were happy at your brother's house a mere three days before you discarded me, you told me I needed to take another test because I was so late?? Remember how I showed up in person at your house after you broke my heart over the phone on your birthday, and you handed me back all the loving gifts I'd made for you then shut the door in my face while I was pitifully saying your name?? Then when you walked outside and hit my car while I was sitting crying inside of it? What was going through your head!? In what universe is that an acceptable way to treat someone!? That is not ok. None of the abuse was ever ok.
   
• How could you know how much I loved you, know my past, know my big heart and know I would do anything for your benefit, and still be able to stomach the way you mistreated and harmed me?
   
• Is how much of a 'badass' you think you look like going to mean shit when you're an old man??
   
• Who are you trying to impress by treating women like garbage?
   
• Why did you lie to me?
   
• Why didn't you ever try to help me when I was struggling?
   
• Why'd you only make things worse for me anytime I told you it was bad?
   
• Do you think everything is meaningless, even your own life? Is that why you don't want a relationship that matters? Because you are convinced nothing can matter?
   
• How dark is it in that handsome head of yours?
   
• Why couldn't you ever give back instead of only taking and berating??
   
• Why when I'd critique your actions which hurt me, you'd respond by full on attacking my very character and mental health?? Do you see the difference? I pointed out your actions (not your character or mind) to discuss and find resolutions together..and you'd tear me apart in a deeply personal, counterproductive and abusive manner. Why!? I would point out an action of yours that hurt me, and you'd respond by calling me names then stonewalling me for days..Why?
   
• Why do you seem so repulsed by, and suspicious of, selfless characteristics?
   
• Do you have any desire whatsoever to stop hurting people?
   
• Are you worried at all about how empty your future will be, since you don't invest in anyone or anything enough to have something to hold onto by the time it arrives??
   
• Why did you think it was acceptable to treat me the way you treated me? Why do you need so much power and control?
   
• Why does being strong and 'better' mean everything to you when it yields nothing but chaos and temporary fixes?
   
• Is it lonely living in a world where nobody matters to you?
   
• Why'd you run away after grabbing my attention and telling me how badly you wanted me to stay?
   
• Why did you treat me better before I fell in love with you?
   
• How could you treat a good, loving woman who trusted you like a meaningless conquest? Are you proud of what you did to me?
   
• How could you have the heart to mislead, use, abuse and mock someone who you only had a chance to be with because she was worried about YOU when you were having a hard time?
   
• Do you ever want to be a better man? Like, actually be a better man, not trick people into thinking you are one?
   
• What are you going to do with your life? It's likely already more than halfway over (only because you smoke, drink 5827262 mountain dews a day and I'd imagine being pissed all the time screws with your blood pressure.) Why didn't you want to share it with me the way you claimed you were going to?
   
• How could you give me nothing after I repeatedly gave you everything I had to the point of complete emotional, mental and spiritual exhaustion?
   
• How many other people have you put through this hell?
   
• Are you happy?
   
• Can you be happy?
   
• Do you want to be happy?
   
• What is it like to lie, use and hurt someone like me repeatedly without experiencing any guilt or regret?
   
• What is it like to not care?
   
• Why can you take advantage of everything, except for opportunities to have and do something that actually matters???
   
• Are you ok?
   
• Why couldn't you at least avoid harming me, when you knew what I wanted most of all was for you to be alright?
   
• Do you ever want more than just to exist and get by?
   
• How are you able to live with yourself after nearly destroying a good person who had such pure love for you?
   
• Do you realize what you did was wrong?
   
• Do you even know why you do what you do anymore?
   
• Does living this way ever get old?
   
• Aren't you tired?
   
• Why do you read my webpage, but you could never manage to talk to me or care about my feelings and thoughts when I was yours? I did everything for you. I would've sacrificed and devoted as much as necessary to do what was best FOR YOU, but you couldn't even give enough of a shit to at least avoid doing what almost cost me my life.
   
• How many lies have you told others about me to get something else you wanted? How many lies, how creative have your fabricated stories about me gotten? There is no way you told your family the truth about why we failed. We failed because you were an abusive, selfish man who didn't try..
   
• Would you even remember all the lies you told me and all the horrible things you did if I hadn't made this webpage? Or would you just make up your own story of our relationship to make yourself look better?
   
• Do you have reasons for all the evil you do, or is it just you? Is it just who you are?
   
• Do you really think it is ok to do whatever you want without caring about the damage you cause others?
   
• Do you truly think and that you matter more than anyone else??
   
• Do you really believe you deserve better treatment and a better life than I do?
   
• Why do you enjoy hurting people?
   
• What about knowing someone else is suffering gratifies you? I don't understand how that can feel good, to know someone else feels bad.
   
• Why do you like me to hurt? I never hurt you.
   
• What made you this way? Who broke you? Was it your dad? What did your father do to you? Are you better, or worse than him? How could you tell the therapist that your parents did a good job, right after saying your dad beat the shit out of you? Look at how you turned out, they failed you. And now you fail everyone else.
   
• Do you think I am less than you because I still worry about you?
   
• Would I be worthy of your time if I only cared about myself too?
   
• Do you have any idea of how valuable all the genuine love I offered you was? It should have been worth everything. It should have mattered to you. I should have mattered to you.
   
• Why didn't you love me?
   
• Did you ever actually see me as the person I am? What was I to you? Nothing.
   
• Do you have a conscience? Or are you a psychopath like you said back in August?? I'm not insulting you for having some sort of disorder if you literally do, it's just an unfortunate, painful, frustrating and kind of hopeless one to have. So..
   
• Do you know that I still want you to be ok, even though I know you never cared about me and that you want me to be miserable?
    
• Do you realize that not holding onto me was quite possibly the most idiotic decision you've ever made?
   

I have several questions left that are more personal, but I know I will never get any answers, so I don't want to put myself through the pain of typing them out this evening. I'll stop the list here for now-

Accepting What He Did & 

What He'll Never Do

I'll get past it, it will just take longer to do it alone. That's ok. I can, and I will.