• Refocusing
• Venting
• Where I Was & How I Got There 

Refocusing

Repeatedly over-analyzing situations is often an attempt to reassure myself that my perception is valid.. and therefore I know where I stand well enough to trust I can move forward without taking too big of a tumble. I'm being as patient as possible with my compulsion to make complete sense of everything that has happened, is happening, or could happen. I've been struggling to manage triggers a lot lately. I've got some shit to continue working on within myself, and that's ok.
 

Yep. My mind spins around and around in circles. I wish I were like a smartphone so I could do a hard reset to let everything go. lol
 

I’ve been making small changes, but none have helped me get back on track yet. I haven’t been able to hold onto feeling worthwhile, beautiful, or capable since 2020. I thought I was getting a taste of feeling like myself again in September 2021, but it was short-lived and possibly just a temporary high from the butterflies I felt.
 

I'm ready to move on from any person or situation that I cannot handle with grace and adequate care. If I’m engaged in something that repeatedly worsens my symptoms I should disengage instead of fighting so hard to improve what I'm involved in.
 

I can’t force a friend or anyone else to meet me in the middle. I cannot force anyone to care. I don’t want to. I want someone to care, but all I can do is learn to take better care of myself.
 

I fall back into my unhealthy patterns. I depend too heavily on someone else’s kindness and validation. I’m still very needy. I know I shouldn’t be. The man I vent about throughout this post has made mistakes; so have I. I acknowledge mine and get bitter over his when I feel he doesn’t own them. But who he is and what he does or doesn’t do is not up to me. I can only control myself. Well, I’m trying to control myself. ha. It’s up to me. I stand by everything I wrote in Unexpected Happiness.
 

I’ve been less happy lately because I am too sensitive to the negative emotions I feel when someone I want closer pulls away from me. I will be ok. I simply need a moment to accept things and cope. The confusion I experience creates a lag, but I’ll get there eventually. 🩷
 

I shouldn’t be so severely knocked off balance when my interactions with someone remind me of worse interactions I had with someone else. I’m the only one I can depend on. I have to advocate for myself instead of hoping others care about my well-being too.

It’s incredibly challenging for me to catch myself when I resume a disordered way of thinking. This unhealthy way of viewing myself and the world can be in ways big and small.. The impact of such thinking can be mild or severe depending on circumstances. 
 

It’s not impossible to reroute my thought processes/undo some responses, but it’s far more challenging without professional guidance. I am responsible for continuing to seek cognitive behavioral therapy and other techniques to help me manage symptoms. Being ‘triggered’ doesn’t excuse when I wrong others or myself.. I point out when I’m triggered because doing so helps me be more mindful. Just like right now I know I’m over explaining..but doing so soothes me and nobody is forced to read this.. so I’ll allow myself to ramble here. It helps me process. :)
 

If I’m able to notice when I’m getting caught up, I can untangle myself more easily. Sometimes it feels like too much to cope with or tackle, but I’m doing my best. I won’t stop trying. I’ll fight as hard as I have to against myself.
 

I can't keep repeating toxic ways of relating to men. Different man and situation.. but I put myself back down in the same painful position because that’s the only one I’ve known. That’s the only sort of relationship I’ve lived through. I don’t want it to be. None of that is M’s fault.
 

A lot of the hurt over this roller coaster crush/friend situation comes from seeing how much of my unhealed core still remains and runs the show. That’s my responsibility to correct, not his. He didn’t force me to feel bad about myself, I chose to hang around a situation that reinforced a lifetime of rejection and neglect. He can be my friend and accept me, but he doesn’t have to. It isn’t his duty to help me.
 

I've responded to certain things in unhealthy ways; no negative situation or person forced me to handle myself poorly. If I keep reacting in this manner maybe it's time I step away from things I can’t handle. That’s why I avoided men for all those years. I was ready when I met D.B, but that abusive relationship temporarily reduced me to nothing but all the broken parts from years before as it broke me apart even more. It’s going to be ok.. better than ok one day. There’s hope.
 

Since I quit going to therapy regularly in 2022 I have left school, gained over 30lbs, stopped going grocery shopping in person, stopped leaving the house for anything other than part time work, etc. I’ve practically gone into hiding and steadily crumbled apart while attempting to become more whole. I’ve pushed almost everyone away. I tried to pull someone closer, and I guess that pushed him away too. 
 

I have known that truth for awhile, and I get sucked into the shame I feel over being weak enough to fall each time I start trying to get back up.— I put too much pressure on M. to be there. It would’ve been nice, but it was never his job to be sensitive towards me. I know I’ve been unfair.. no matter what I say when I’m mad. And I’m sorry for when lines were crossed. I wish he cared more about the times he’s crossed mine. Maybe he does, but I cannot tell.
 

People can think what they want, but I’m not going to stop trying to see myself in a healthier way. I’m not going to stay down. I’m already sturdier than I was in 2020. I just keep sinking back down into that pitiful mental state when the stressors get to me.
 

I will figure this out. I won’t quit, even if someone I let in chooses to quit me. PTSD can kiss my ass. I won’t keep allowing my issues to erase me. I've got this. I will find a way to consistently believe in myself without requiring belief from anyone else. Yep. I can do this.
 

I will write this sort of thing over and over. I’ll learn better ways to cope. I will figure out how to show myself mercy whenever I struggle or temporarily go backwards in my recovery. It’s ok. My emotions/moods may shift more than I’d like them too sometimes, but at least I’m still always me. 😌
 

I'm ready to start working on myself in a healthier way again. The link below in the introduction to a few things I wrote while actively seeking treatment back in 2021-2022. It’s mostly my answers to questions from a CPTSD workbook I was completing with my therapist. It was helping a lot to face thoughts I'd tucked away or minimized.

Venting

My attempt to stand up for myself/protect myself. Some is valid frustration and some is narcissistic defensiveness. I’m working on being able to sort through it and figure out which parts are which. Yeah. My brain is hella tired.
   

I get worked up whenever I stop avoiding thinking about the negative impact certain things are having. Things like— being ignored by someome who used to talk to me daily. Or showing interest in how someone is doing, yet they show zero interest in what's going on with me or my life (and a lot has been going on lately).
 

It’s time to move on, but I cannot move on without processing everything fully. Sometimes it takes me.. umm.. a long time and a lot of ruminating over experiences I find troubling in order to validate myself and set things right in my mind.
 

I’m trying my best not to be apologetic for expressing all emotions I experience on my own creative outlet to heal. That’s what the blog is for. So yeah. Some posts are positive and others are not. Probably because I have feelings!.. that’s allowed ;)
 

Sometimes I’m right and sometimes I’m wrong. Sometimes I’m defiant and fed up, other times I’m desperate for kindness and interaction. Sometimes I blame myself too much, and other times I blame others too much. Ya know why?? Because I’m a person. I do good things and bad things. I get in moods. I have limits. I have my own mind. I feel, want, and need. Deal with it. 😘

I’m not mad in this one. Just tired of being so stressed over mistakes, wrongs, and uncertainies in a friendship with someone who doesn’t seem to care. My hyper focus is exhausting and I don’t know how to stop it easily without resolving the unaddressed conflict.
 

If a man doesn't care, he doesn't care. I may be lonely and confused, but I don't need to beg for the company of someone who seems like they could not care less about having me around.
  

I miss having someone to talk to, but is the repeated rejection from unpredictable absences worth it just to feel like I have him as a friend sometimes? I’m not so desperate that I’ll take any friend I can get. I avoid getting close to people and making friends, but I liked him a lot for some reason. He seemed worth putting myself out there for. I felt a little somethin’ somethin’ I cannot explain. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I can be a complete idiot.
 

There's no safety or certainty in any form of relationship if one party is fine with ghosting or repeatedly stonewalling the other. I know he said he isn't ready for any kind of relationship.. but he's also said he was my friend and that he likes me.. Friendships are a type of relationship too. People who act like they care one minute aren't supposed to be able to turn their back on you the next. 
 

How can I not fear impending doom, betrayal, and abandonment if a friend justifies lying to me and dismisses me like I don't deserve any of his time? How do I know if he’ll come back.. or if he’ll end up leaving again shortly after he does? I don’t desire to find a rich, ‘perfect’ man.. I just want a reliable and kind one. Same goes for a friend.. Perfection isn’t required, but honesty and consideration would be nice. 
 

When a situation reminds me of how D.B. treated me it brings all those feelings back to the forefront of my mind in a way that's overwhelming, instead of in a way that helps me work through those emotions and heal.
 

If someone thinks I'm not healthy for them they have every right to cut me out of their life. But there’s a right way and a wrong way to bow out of the picture. If a man wants to leave he could do so with kindness by saying goodbye on his way out of my life.. instead of treating me like my feelings don't matter. I count too. I am trying. I need and crave consistency. I want to feel safe and sure. I’m not bored by routine and predictability— I find it very comforting, stable, and good.
 

If you are always around then disappear without warning or explanation it’s harmful to the other person. How could you not care about causing harm when you know how awful it feels when you’re harmed?? Abruptly abandoning someone messes with their stability. It’s confusing.
 

The decent thing to do is to communicate before doing something that you know will negatively impact the other person much more if they never understand what happened or why.
 

Closure is always needed when something ends, even a friendship that sometimes feels like more. How can you leave someone not knowing why you felt cutting them out of your life was necessary??
 

I even asked him back in November when I noticed the change in how often he spoke to me and how the tone of his messages shifted.. I asked him if everything was ok. I told him why I was nervous. (I’ll place a screenshot of the message I sent him in November below to show I gave him the opportunity to be honest and offered insight into why I was feeling more mistrusting, fearful, and sad in regards to silence. I try to have honest and fair conversations because I care. Ugh.) He has apologized for previous ghosting.. and that means a lot to me.. but it means less if he’s just going to end up doing it again. I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t want to assume.. but I’m hurting over this for some reason. I am confused. He was talking to me most days and then he was just, like.. not. I don’t know.
 

Him abruptly pulling away and coming back just to suddenly push me aside again as soon as I get used to him being around is incredibly distressing for me. Yet he’s done that exact same thing a few times before.. (three or four times I think at this point.) It hurts. My chest hurts. So does my head. And y'all already know my feelings are hurt too.
  

Why was me being supportive, interested, goofy, giving, apologetic, and open repulsive enough to no longer wish to speak with me? I made mistakes. I’ve been extra. I am not perfect.. but how the hell does that cancel out all I am and make me unlovable? How have I done anything to make me not worthy of enough respect to consider my feelings and treat me fairly?
 

What is so horrible about me that makes me not even worth keeping around? I wish someone wanted my company as badly as I wanted his for nearly two years. Now I feel too stupid and fearful to allow myself to want that anymore.
 

How would he like it if someone he got used to suddenly shifted their attitude towards him and avoided him like he's the plague? (again) He knows that shit hurts like hell.. so why does my hurt not count just as much as his?
 

What makes me awful enough to just dismiss like I'm not worth anything? I don't understand it, but I understand treating someone like they're nothing isn't justifiable.. So this automatic self-blame I dive into can suck it! ha
 

How someone responds to you isn’t always a reflection of you, your input, or your value.. Sometimes how someone treats you only reflects who they are and what they struggle with. Maybe they start to treat you like you’re them, and deep down that’s their least favorite person. So.. :/ Or maybe they are too caught up caring about something else to care about you. Either way..ouch.
  

You're never 'too busy' for someone you actually think is worth prioritizing. If you want someone you let them know it. I keep letting him know. It's time to stop.
 

I have to accept he can’t stand me and stop hoping I'm wrong. I'm sad, confused, and feeling like I don't matter to somebody I actually want the best for. I have to stop caring. I've also got to stop blaming myself for someone choosing to treat me like I'm undesirable and unworthy or their consideration. I’m hungry for some affection.. even if it’s just a little.
 

I’m tired of being tired. I feel too easily drained of my optimism. I have some narcissistic traits too. It’s time to put those to good use by protecting my heart instead of leaving it open and vulnerable 💪. I’ll figure out a balance. Carless gentlemen leave me too afraid to care sometimes. Or maybe I’m just as hopeless as D.B. said. No. He’s mean.
 

Fuck all of this! lol I'm a good and loving friend; I'd like a good and loving friend too! Better yet.. a good and loving lover. haha. Does that word gross anyone else out? ‘lover’ A good partner would be the ultimate best friend. That’d be cool. But so would a house full of pets and no selfish man around to beat my spirit down.
 

Oh well. It is time to refocus on making my life better instead of obsessively trying to 'fix' or stop hurting over the interpersonal dynamic with a gentleman I wanted around. I am trying to ground myself, but it comes and goes. Something just doesn’t feel right. I want to know what’s going on.
 

Why I’m on edge when he gets super quiet available  HERE  and  HERE  and  HERE.. Or just use the link under the slideshow because it connects to every blogpost about him.. I think. I did a great job closing the door, right? 🙄 Yup. Whatever. I’m shutting it now- on the romantic feelings part at least. I’d rather be in the friend zone than be in some unclear one. It’s fine.

Where I Was & How I Got There

This time of year has me reflecting on where I was mentally before my last relationship. I appreciate what I’ve learned since January 2020, but I would like to redevelop my ambition and the faith I had in myself back then.

My adult life so far-

2009–2010:
I was 19 or 20 years old. I met and quickly got involved with the first abuser to get away from home.

May 2012:
I was 'rescued' by the man who became the biological father of my son. I moved back home with my parents a couple months before my child was born in July 2013.

2013–2015:
I stayed home for two years as I mothered my child and attempted to mentally recover from those back to back abusive relationships. Being able to spend two years focused on my baby was the happiest time of my life. The devotion required to consistently be there for him gave me purpose. He needed me, and I knew I never wanted him to feel unimportant or unwanted.

My life forever changed the instant I saw his sweet, little face. Spending time with him was everything to me. 🩷 I walked around my neighborhood pushing him in his stroller most mornings. I recorded his milestones. I took him to appointments. I vividly remember his first smile and his first belly laugh. I adored nurturing that little person who relied on me to keep him safe and show him what it is to be cared for. I took my new role as a mother seriously.

My life had been lonely. My relationships had been messy and traumatizing. My choices had been impulsive, self-destructive, and fueled by neediness.. Yet, despite my wrongs and the cruelty of former partners, I ended up being given something I didn’t deserve. I got my son. I didn't know what it was like to want to live until after he was born. I consider being his mom the best thing that has ever happened to me. The world is brighter with him in it.
 

Anyway—

September 2015:

After staying at home with my baby for two years I knew I needed to move forward and become a functional adult in the world. Being a stay-at-home mom is honorable, but..as a single mom it's not possible to maintain. Ha. 

I was 25 years old and my little one was a toddler. He was walking and talking. Time had created space between myself and the trauma from abuser 1 & 2. I felt mentally and physically sturdy enough to be around others and participate in the world.

I chose to attend Delta Tech and became a NCMA. It helped build my confidence to study, complete all my courses with a 4.0, and look healthier than ever before. :) I was actually proud of myself for once! I worked hard and accomplished positive things. Yay
 

April 2017:

I was hired straight out of school by the company I completed my externship with. After a little time I realized I needed more income to stand on my own and purchase a home in a safe location/ good school district for my kid.

Late September 2019:
I left my job so I could dedicate all my time to continuing my education. I wanted to become an RN so I'd be able to provide for my child all by myself.. Without anyone having power over me and over my choices due to my reliance on their financial support.

It was intimidating, but I needed to create a more stable environment for my son. (My dad was having issues with his temper at the time, so it felt urgent to move out)
 

October 2019 - early January 2020:
I focused on improving my physical health and spending quality time with my son as I awaited the start of the upcoming spring semester at McNeese State University.

Within those three months leading up to registration I braced myself for new experiences I’d been avoiding for way too long. I felt excited about the positive steps I was taking to improve our circumstances.

I'm trying to recall how I had so much belief in myself back then.. but I know I did. I was 29 years old, and it'd been a journey since ..well, forever. I turned 30 less than a month into my first semester, but I still felt incredibly optimistic about my life’s potential. I’d undergone a remarkable transformation inside and out since 2013. I was almost a ‘normal’ person! ;P 

March 2020– August 2021:
Then I got involved with D.B. and everything went dark.  COVID didn’t help.

I let my child down. I failed to protect myself and got caught up in something that messed with my head in ways that made me far less of a mother than the one I used to be. I still feel shame over the neglect I put my son through during and following that relationship. 
 

It’s time to start resuming what I was doing in 2020 before I met D.B.. I’d tried again when I enrolled in Sowela 2021, but my mental health clearly wasn’t ready for it. I guess I wasn’t as strong or healed as I thought I was. I've picked up some toxic traits I don't wish to keep. I get triggered too easily and have made unhealthy choices. I’ve made some good ones too; I want to make more of those.
 

I really want to remember how to believe in myself and feel worthwhile again. I’ve got to snap out of it and move forward. I can’t let old damage cripple me and be an excuse to stay in this weakened state. I need some help, but trying to be seen, appreciated, and respected by people who think I’m nothing but a burden or a warm body isn’t going to cut it. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I need therapy, exercise, healthy friendships/relationships, and to accomplish small goals to remind myself I’m not incapable of doing things right. I need to show myself some love and welcome new people into my life once they prove they’re capable of treating me kindly. I need to take care of myself so I can take care of my sweet kid. :)
 

I think feeling stuck and sick of hiding from life motivated me to make big changes in 2020.. I’m reaching that point again. I want to be happy and solid enough to not fail my son or myself the way I have in recent years. This writing is a mess.