• Trust Issues 

• Boy Background 

• Done Settling 

• I’m Right Here

Trust Issues

When someone explains why they did wrong I can't help but try to understand where they're coming from. They'll always be forgiven, because I'd want someone to forgive me too.
 

When a man I like tells me about his life experiences and how they make him feel I want to believe him. That used to not be a bad thing. Maybe in the right circumstances it could be a very good thing, but my past has me easily spooked.
 

If a man tells me something that sounds reasonable I want to be understanding and supportive… Then I get worried. I’ve had my compassion and devotion taken advantage of before.
 

On one hand, I care and want to be there for him. But on the other hand, I fear how vulnerable of a spot I could be putting myself in if I don’t expect the worst.
 

My last partner would tell me stories about what he was going through. I believed them. When he’d ‘open up’ I’d be left concerned and hurting over his supposed hardships. He took advantage of how much I cared to keep me blind to the fact he was messing with my head to get his way. I wanted to learn him, but he only taught me the version of him he wanted me to see.
 

Later I discovered many of his stories and feelings weren’t real, or were only semi-factual. I never suspected that while we were together.. so when I found out, the betrayal tore me apart. Not to make everything about my ex, but getting my mind abused on that personal of a level did severe damage. It’s relevant.
 

I’m terrified of a repeat. I’m scared to trust a man means what he says and has good intentions.
 

I want to feel safe. I don’t want to worry. I don’t want to have to run through the worst case scenario before proceeding with everything. I’m tired but my heart is racing.
 

What if I don’t suspect a man is trying to mislead and exploit me.. Then as a result of my foolish choice to have faith in him, he is able to break my heart and scar my psyche just like D.B. did?
  

What if someome only says nothing is wrong so I’ll think everything is fine when it really isn’t? What if I'm only drawn to men who gaslight me and touch on my vulnerabilities to keep me where they want me so I'll meet their needs while they have no concern for meeting mine? What if I see good when it's not there?

This overthinking is my attempt to guard myself. But if I’m so guarded why are my feelings still so tender? If I am so guarded, how did I end up letting another man in my life enough for me to worry about this? I guess I wanted to let him get to know me, but why didn’t I do it more slowly or strictly as a friend? Why can’t I just not care about things?

Why do I go from blocking everyone out to being tempted to let a single person nearly all the way in the moment I sense something that might not even actually be there? It’s dangerous.
 

What if when I see something good it turns out to be wickedness in disguise? Logically I know that can’t always be the case, but my mind reacts like it doesn’t believe me.
 

What if when I see and become invested in something wonderful it gets ripped away from me again? What if I never meet a man who appreciates, respects, and understands how I think?
 

What if I continue having a blindspot that has me making a fool of myself and pushing people away when all I really want is to care and be cared for? What if I keep asking “what if” but never get any answers? What if I’m asking the wrong questions? 🤦🏻‍♀️ 

Goodness gracious. I think I need a tranquilizer or something. ha

Boy Background

I’ve been healing for over three years now, yet I remain afraid to trust or get close to a man. Although I am practically 34 years old, I still haven’t experienced a healthy relationship or ever been taken on a real date. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Maybe one day? :)   

The man I’ve been interested in has disappeared and caught me off guard before, so every time he’s quiet I get wary. I have to wonder if he’s truly busy or if he’s about to ghost me for months like he did before to pursue someone else.

I’m Done Settling

If a man isn’t willing to work for something, doesn’t that mean he doesn’t place value in it?

 
On that note—

This was something I wrote to share with M. a few weeks ago. I never sent it to him because I know it’s too much (especially for a message). However, my thoughts and feelings still stand. 
 

I'm hoping getting some stuff off my chest will help me clear my mind. :) So here it is.

A message I never sent:

“One important thing I’d like you to keep in mind— My hypersensitivity doesn't make my perspective and needs null. K? K.
 

It's ok if we don't desire the same things. I want a shot, but you prefer being solo.

Unless.. someone you actually want comes along? I gather that isn't me after making it clear for well over a year that I am available and interested in you.— Which apparently has been a huge turn off for you! LOL- Fine.
 

You saying “I don't want to get entangled right after getting out of something” caused a glitch in my head. Not because it was a bad or unfair thing to say. It wasn’t. You have every right to take your time and heal from your own experiences.

It only mixed me up for a second because of how you presented yourself for nearly the entire time I've known you. You seemed and claimed to be..SINGLE. So having it fully register with me that you just got out of a serious relationship you re-entered while ghosting me this summer has been wonky. I had a lapse and temporarily forgot because the situation was a painful hot mess I tried to stop thinking about.
 

I understand better now and feel I can relate to what you were going through.. but it still throws me for a loop!
 

Off and on since June 2022–

You kept saying 'maybe in a few months'.. or 'after this semester'.. You had told me you liked me but that you were just too stressed with work, too busy, and too troubled by mental health issues to be open to more with me yet.

Then this year you said as soon as summer started we could FINALLY hang out. (Once you told me to come over.. and ended up blowing me off to go out with friends without telling me. I only knew because I stopped and sent a message asking if I should pull up my hair. I was on my way out the door. I was excited I was finally going to get to spend time with you! I had my keys in hand, a dress on, makeup and hair done, and a bag packed, but you bailed on me and initially acted like it was a normal thing to do. You acted like you had no choice or ability to tell them you already had plans. I guess to you I wasn’t worth the minimal effort or discomfort of telling the boys no. I should’ve been.)
 

For 3-4 months leading up to summer you were telling we’d be able to spend time together once it started.—Then when summer 2023 hit, you ditched me/ ghosted my ass and got back together with your ex who I didn’t even know existed. Sure.. maybe she was unexpected.. but not telling me and just vanishing on me was selfish. (As were your other fibs.)
 

You had a lot going on, and I care about that.. but that's no excuse for you to be so insensitive towards another person.
  

It happens. Everyone fucks up sometimes. I sure do. You're forgiven for anything and everything.. I hope I'm forgiven for my screw ups too. 🤞 

I wanted to tell you my thoughts on more recent stuff.. so here I go—

I really appreciate how cautious you were to spare my feelings when I came over the other night. I know I said I'd stay guarded if we slept together, but I still respect you for being so careful.
 

You were right. You were kind to check if I could handle it emotionally. I cannot.. At least not if you’re repulsed by the idea of doing more than merely utilizing select aspects of me.
 

I may have the ability to not fall in love with you if we ever sleep together while uninvolved.. but I don't have the ability to not feel small when that seems to be all a man wants from me (I’m not saying that's all you want- I'm saying I fear that being all you want).
 

I'm a person. I've had a lot of bad experiences where men failed to treat me like one. So I guess you wanting to f*** me but seeming so strongly opposed to the idea of getting involved with me was just.. triggering.
 

I could've totally misunderstood, but there's only one way to find out. We’ll need to discuss it at some point. Obviously.
 

I want to be near you. But if the idea of getting involved with me on a more humanizing level makes you feel held back or burdened.. then we shouldn't get together at all.
 

It would've hurt my feelings if we started hooking up.. but then later you said you weren't interested in anything more than sex. (AKA- you only wanting beneficial, simple parts of me.. not ME as an entire person)
 

That would make me feel.. used and severely undervalued.
  

I have much better to offer a man than sexual gratification, and I deserve to be offered things too.
 

It wouldn't be pleasant for me to sleep with someone who views getting involved with me as a hindrance instead of an opportunity they're lucky to have.
 

You say people flirt.. super true. But I don't 'like' people. I don't do that. And for some reason I've had a difficult time stopping myself from being interested in you so far.
 

You are absolutely right in needing time to be yourself again and do things. I respect and support that. But hell.. you've had me shelved for over a year. I've been on hold.. like a backup option or a 'maybe later'.. It hurt my feelings. Badly.
 

I'm not second best, sir.
 

Whatever you need, I support it and want what is best for you. And I want what is best for me too. I guess being more than friends with a man who only wants me as a friend with benefits isn't good for me. :(
 

I'm attracted to you, I admire you, and I care about your well-being. So if you aren't interested in pursuing more/ or aren't ready to slowly work towards pursuing more I respect and understand that. 

Just please also respect that I'm not ready or interested in settling for less.*
 

I've never had a healthy relationship. I’ve never been taken out or romanced. I've never been prioritized by a man.. and I'm a good enough lady to deserve all of that. If you don't ever want more from me, that will kill my romantic desire for you.
 

How could you not want more? Ha I don't mean that in an arrogant way.. but in a I'm finally aware of the kind, devoted, goofy, attractive person I am. Who the hell doesn't want that? Who would rather hooking up and passing the time over building something real with a passionate and deeply loving person? Not me. Settling for the surface. That’s so unfulfilling.
 

I don't want to settle or feel settled for. Ever.
 

I don't want to use you for attention and momentary gratification.. Like, I want to support you, encourage you, learn you, learn from you, prioritize you, accept you, spend quality time with you, touch you, comfort you, protect you, compromise with you, give to you and receive in return.
 

So it seems I do want to build up to caring and care. Dammit. But neither one of us is ready for that yet.. especially you. And I don't know if that sort of depth is something you desire to have in a relationship one day. I desire to have that one day. I want to be cared for because I have care to give back.
 

Ughh.. where was I going with this?

Hmm.

I don't want to be an option or 'maybe later' You've been telling me "maybe in a few months" since June or July 2022. I now understand why.. but feeling like a back burner person hurts.
 

I always put people first, and getting treated like I'm insignificant and easily disposed of just really hits me hard.
 

If this is a dead end, I'd appreciate knowing. I'm done sitting around waiting for another man to figure his shit out. You either want a shot with me or you don't. You don't seem to want one. And that's ok. Just means we should strictly be friends then. 
 

I want to work towards finding my future life partner. I don't have time to keep wasting on lukewarm "I dunno"
  

I have more to offer a man than just choosing him over other dudes and satisfying his body.. You said that's all a woman has to do because men are supposedly so simple.. 

Well.. *if a man thinks all I have to offer him is the ability to stroke his ego and his c#ck.. then he is dehumanizing me and approaching relationships like a toxic narcissist instead of like a good man who values mutual respect and authentic love. Soo. Ugh. No sir.*
 

I know some of my feelings or the way they’re organized may be irrational, but their impact is real. I just want to be heard. How I feel counts too.

So.. this essay was my long ass way of saying—

I will not talk explicitly with you, kiss you, or sleep with you until you want more than a sexual release or distraction from me. And if that day never comes, no hard feelings! 🩷 As long as you don’t pretend to want more when you don’t. You can't force yourself to want things or be ready for them, ya know? 
 

I value meaningful relationships. I don't want to let myself be treated like I'm only for fun and not worth someone's time and effort.
 

Anyway.. Now that you know my fears and other anxious feelings—

Thank you for asking me what I can or cannot handle. Thank you for apologizing when you make mistakes, and for being patient when I make some too.
 

Also, it might not have been a big deal to you, but you cooking for me and fixing my drink was the most consideration a man has shown me. So thank you x10000000.
 

I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable position, so I really appreciate you being careful the other night..even if part of me regretted not making a move on my own.
 

I don't know why I'm sharing all this. I just am. I wanted to express where I'm at, but we don’t have to keep talking about it.
 

I get if you have nothing to give.. but I do. I have tons to offer someone. 
 

So if you're fully aware that you're never going to step up for me, then let me know it's not going to happen. That way I can be your friend and move on to find a man who actually wants me, not just parts of me when it’s convenient for him.
 

I can prioritize a man, so I need to eventually find a man who can tell I'm worth prioritizing too. Yeah. I feel I've been left hanging for well over a year.. but I don't want to keep hanging around for an empty "maybe one day".. Is that all you've got?
  

(Not that it's your fault I stayed hanging all year. I could've asked you for clarity again and left if I didn't like your response, instead of being an infatuated chicken hoping for the best. 🤦🏻‍♀️ That's MY bad)
 

P.S. If women sharing emotions and thoughts you're uncomfortable with is why you call them irrational and crazy.. you're just being a gaslightly, misogynistic turd invalidating perspectives other than your own because of your own damn insecurities and fear of emotional intimacy. Just sayn' 🔥😈 ”

Although I would've made it more concise prior to messaging him, I’m guessing y’all can see why I didn’t send that. 😬 I’m not going to lie though, it wasn’t my awkward honesty and disorganized rambling that prevented me from sending it.
 

I didn’t send these thoughts to him for a couple of reasons.
 

Firstly, I didn’t want to bother him or let my panicking cause him to feel attacked by all that emotion at once. I have no desire to upset or hurt him.
 

Secondly, they show I care about what does or doesn’t happen between us. It shows I care about him on some level.
 

I’ve been emotionally vulnerable and earnest with him many times already, but he’s shot me down each time. Repeated rejection hurts, especially when you don’t always expect it because they’ve been both hot and cold towards you. It’s confusing and leaves me too nervous to keep putting myself out there in that way with him. 
 

It hurts to open up with someone and have them dismiss you like they see no value in you.
 

I’m sick of trying with him if the only effort he’s going to provide is just enough to express he might think I’m worth his effort one day. Like he might think I’ll be good enough to give his time and interest to one day.. Maybe after all of the things he’d rather do can’t be done anymore? 
 

He could try with someone else, but just doesn’t see any reason to try with me?
 

Maybe he saw her as more deserving of respect, whereas with me he just saw something to pass the time and meet his other needs.
 

Maybe he never saw me as much at all. That’s why he could see himself marrying her, but can’t even stomach the thought of doing more than sleeping with me. That’s not his fault, but it makes me feel so incredibly small.
 

Does he not see me as good enough to care about like I’m an actual person?
 

Nobody wants to feel unwanted and unimportant to someone they’d happily prioritize. I tend to put myself in situations with guys that don’t see, value, or respect me. That hurts, but it’s my fault and their loss. 
 

We’ll see if M. proves me wrong and simply screwed up last year. Maybe he can think beyond himself and was just caught up in something he should’ve told me about a long time ago. We clearly all have moments in which we get wrapped up in our own issues.
 

I really don’t know. I’m scared and tired of having to guess. With the right person I’d imagine you’d feel safe and know you're wanted, right? I think that’s supposed to be the case even in regards to just liking or ’talking’ to someone.
 

I’m not waiting around for M. forever. I’ll be his friend and see if he steps it up, but if more months carry on feeling exactly how this past year has I’m moving on. I’m tired of being hungry for more than what he’s willing to give.
 

I was ok with waiting, but after discovering he wanted someone else/had me waiting for nothing for so long.. Oh my goodness.. Ouch. I don’t want to waste even more of my time just to find out he’s leading me on. So I need clarity on what I’m waiting for, or I’m not waiting at all. I’m too cute, weird, and sweet to end up hanging around another man who doesn’t appreciate me.
 

I really have to stop hurting myself by being a needy imbecile. I can do that.. at some point.😎 Just give me a minute to accept reality, thanks. 

I’m Right Here

I’m aggravated right now. I was innocently trying to look at his face and recent posts like a casual creep 🙃, but then I saw lame stuff that left me all spazzy—
 

Him posting publicly about how the woman he loves left him, and how he thinks he’ll end up dying alone..
 

That made me recall how, even though he knows I’ve been into him since September 2021, he was recently telling me he’ll never find love.. and how sad that makes him because he wants to get married and have kids. I remember how heartbroken he was as he told me he just wants to be loved! WTF? Like me, this woman with so much intense love to give, is not even real to him? Do I exist?
 

Am I garbage to him, and not someone he ever truly considered as a potential partner? As if he doesn't even see me as someone good enough for him? Once again, him ruling me out without directly saying so.
 

I am good enough to pass the time and to comfort him while he blames money and the world for his relationship status. Nah. His pride, bitterness, and poor choice in partners has been the problem- not his income.
 

If instead of seeing how he could improve as a partner, he just says all women are crazy to convince himself he isn’t at fault or in need of some self-improvement.. whatever. He can put in so much effort for his job and dreams of recognition, but when it comes to love and relationships he seems lazy, inauthentic, and emotionally unavailable. :/

This is just my frustration and fear talking.. but maybe I should reach out to his "crazy" ex for closure once he disappears on me again??
 

Maybe he did emotionally cheat on her?..If he was dating her while flirting, saying he liked me, and talking in perverse ways with me, that's major disloyalty. I hope that’s not the case.
 

How can I believe anything he says if he hid her from me and ghosted me for her? He felt no loyalty towards me or bond with me if he could do that. 😞 That really hurt me and broke all the trust I’d started to build with him. He’d have to be honest and stick around to rebuild it.
 

Ugh. I’m not going to contact his ex. At least not yet, because I’m not a vindictive asshole (even if it’s tempting sometimes). I still care. I just think he’s likely a little toxic because I am aways drawn to that type. Hell, I have toxic traits too.. One of them is me liking toxic men and fighting back with them /trying to save them instead of writing them off. Ha.
 

It’s my own fault for not turning away. I could tell he had some tendencies, but convinced myself he was goodhearted and intelligent enough to be able to work through the damaging ones. I figured he wasn’t doing it on purpose.
 

If I ever reach out to his ex (the one he wisely chose over me, but then was ditched by —twice) it will be strictly for clarification. He was saying some nasty things about her character to me while he was still telling her he loved her and wanted to start his life with her? What was that all about?
 

He also referred to me as ‘some girl’ waiting for her to leave. No idea why he told her about me in that way. I was only waiting for her to leave because he said he wanted her to go. He said how awful she was is why he hadn’t been in the mood to talk to any girls over the summer..including me. I had his back because I hated seeing him so unhappy, but he mentioned me to her to do what? Triangulate us? Mission accomplished.
 

I’ll only ever contact his ex if he vanishes on me again. I would never talk with her to get even, but I may talk with her to get closure and do some reality testing if he ghosts me again. I wonder if she was insecure because his behavior left her feeling unwanted? Can relate.
 

Anyway..

I don’t feel like his hurtful actions have ever been intentional, but if he gaslights me when I try to bring it to his attention.. there will be no resolve or compromise. Him whining to me about how nobody will ever love him, after I’d made it clear I desired a chance to do exactly that, was so hurtful. Those remarks made me feel invisible.
 

I’m good enough for him to spend hours and hours sharing fantasies with.
 

I’m good enough to listen to him vent about how broken his heart is.
 

I’m good enough to listen to him complain about how shitty and unfair he thinks life is to him.
 

I’m good enough to keep hanging around and to say “I like you” to.
 

But I’m not good enough to actually want and try with?
 

In September he posted that the woman he loves left him. A fact he shared with me in August like it was something I should’ve been unfazed by.. Likely because all his flirting and misleading statements didn’t mean crud to him, so why would he be aware of how much he led me on?
 

Why would flirting and speaking so intimately with me matter to a guy who doesn’t see committed love as something lasting and real. Unconditional, lifelong love is real.. It’s a choice, and some of us can actually stand by our choices with conviction.
 

I think he’s just scared because things are difficult for him.. and probably have been that way for a while.
 

Life is unfair, so he might need to try harder than some people have to.. But isn’t inner peace and a life lived with purpose worth however much effort it takes?? To me it is. Beautiful things are worth everythjng. And whether he’s a narcissistic butt, a wayward soul, or both- he is a beautiful thing. Well, a beautiful person.  A beautiful, infuriating, and oblivious to my awesomeness person 😂