Something New

Our hell of a relationship, followed by this agonizingly slow recovery process, felt like it was going to torture me forever. I thought the hole he punched through my heart was never going to stop holding me down. I felt spaced out, lost, exhausted, ashamed, hopeless and empty.

After a year or so of feeling like I was dragging myself along the outskirts of a life I no longer participated in, I've finally started to feel a familiar type of normalcy. What's new with me, is that I'm interested in living again.

Yeah, feeling how I used to before I met D.B. may seem insignificant to some, but it is incredible for me. It feels like the part of me that is waking back up, has been gone for a very long time. It is astonishing how less than two years with a toxic person in my life, seemed more like a decade.

This may be an old feeling and mindset returning to me, but it is a brand new development in my recovery. I am grateful and ecstatic. It is a big deal.

Every single step out of that all-consuming mess, is monumental.

My mental and emotional response to his last hoover really helped me finally see and have faith in my own strength and resilience.

Before him, I was lonely and had unresolved issues/past traumas. I am thankful that my scarring experience with D.B. was able to show me things I may have never addressed if I had dated a healthier man. I may have gone many more years, or even my entire lifetime, without facing personal issues I needed to face to become whole. So..silver lining! How I felt before I met him was not perfect, but I was in a better place than where I've been trapped for the past year+

All throughout this past year I was quick to claim that I was better off before him.. and, at the time, that was a completely accurate assessment...But now, with this new found strength and self-awareness, it's more accurate to say that I am better off after him.

I am proud of myself. Y'all, it feels so good to be able to say that. I'm more grateful to be experiencing hope and confidence than I can accurately describe. It's everything.
 

He pulled another hoover/discard..but this time I'm ok! I'm actually pretty pumped. Usually when he goes, I am heartbroken and clinging to my desire to hear from him again. Not this time. 

I did get a lost within a few moments during this hoover, as to be expected. But overall, I was good to go. Being sad and triggered for a day or two was NOTHING in comparison to how miserable I was all of the other times he pulled this mess.

I am excited about something that may seem small, but it is not small to me. I am only annoyed by his abandonment! I am thrilled to be annoyed, because that is the only feeling this most recent episode of his left behind. I am not crushed that he left, just annoyed.

After this hoover, I was not left devastated and suffering from sleepless nights longing for him! That is a victory! Not in his ugly game, but a personal victory in the internal fight I have going on for myself.

I'm thrilled about this change. After three weeks of him stonewalling me, or having discarded me again (cannot tell which one yet), I am not livid, depressed, or hoping for the impossible..I am only annoyed, entertained, and happy! 

I am happy because I've accepted that he thinks I am a joke, does not love me, nor does he truly recognize what makes me me. I know where I stand, I do not matter to him. That's a sad thing, but I'm still happy!
 

Do you know how wonderful that is? Being able to feel happiness, even right after he aggravated some old wounds. Being able to still feel alright, even while I'm worried about him. It is a huge deal for me! It shows progress!
 

I'm steadily getting over the heartache aspect of this entire 'relationship'. I am tremendously grateful to be moving in a more positive direction.
 

I don't feel frozen in time anymore..I no longer feel like I am waiting for him, like I expect him to be the other half of myself. My heart doesn't feel as empty. There is still an ache..but it is different..It is just something to heal, not something to try to change by expecting others to cover it up or temporarily mend it for me.
 

Before, I wanted him to be back. I only wanted him. I was waiting to be able to love and be loved by him. Now I am not. Now I feel..dare I say, single and ready for more with a man who wants the same things I do. And if no man steps up, then I will happily chill by myself until I meet a man strong enough to love more than a distorted reflection of himself.
 

I deserve to be loved and treated with the basic respect every person is entitled to. Even though he pulled another stunt. Even though he hoovered back in making fools of both of us. Even though I still have love for his goofy a*s and will always enjoy his going-nowhere kind of company, I am fine with him running off. I am good. I'm annoyed guys..that's it. Thank God!
 

I'm done with this foolishness. If a man cannot recognize all the wonderful things I have to offer, and all the beauty I possess as a person.. then he can move aside and make room for the real contenders who are wise enough to see and appreciate me in all my weird, funny, imperfect, beautiful, emotional, talkative and loving glory! 
 

He pushed me aside repeatedly. Never knew a seemingly intelligent man could manage to be such a dumbass. But here we are.
 

Oh my sweet(but not sweet at all) D.B...I may love you very much..but playing hard to get is not cute when you are already in a relationship and saying "I love you." No sir. I should not have to chase a man who claims he wants to marry me. LOL.. What you gonna do when there are actual challenges and demands...you know, like all marriages, families and LIFE IN GENERAL present??
 

How can a man stand by a family and help support one if he cannot even stand by a woman to start with? How the hell is an abuser going to raise a child to be a happy, good and stable person?? 
 

Yeah, he cannot. Which is obviously why he runs off, he cannot stand for anything or stand by anyone. Well, he could if he wanted to do it more than he wants to prove to himself that he's always stronger, better and smarter.
 

He won’t stop bucking back no matter what damage it causes himself and others..all because he won't be told what to do or who to be! He sure is quick to tell you who you are and what you should be doing though..
 

Goodness gracious. My poor baby..I'm not being sarcastic..I am sad for him. He deserves better. I only deserve better than him, because who he lets himself be is careless and cruel towards me. I don't deserve to be abused..at all. Self-improvement is only impossible when you refuse to admit it is needed and that truly trying is required. Dang! He doesn't want to do better. If he did, he’d be around instead of always leaving me to figure him out on my own.
 

What a shame, because I was down to stand by that boy forever. He was stupid to let me get away. HE HAD IT MADE. He had the perfect doormat, which his abusive and controlling butt obviously requires.
 

He had a chance to keep a loyal, compassionate and cute companion for life. I had his back. I would have committed to that hot mess of a man and his difficult bullshit forever. He never deserved or earned a forgiving, loving person like me. Nevertheless, I was stuck and fully devoted. Madly in love. My gigantic, overly empathic and fiercely protective heart was all his..Yet, my darling jackass set me free.
 

So, I mean...Thanks I guess! But what the heck were you thinking? Yeah, I sound cocky..but it's true. I was loyal, kind, considerate, forgiving, open, sincere..You were abusive and refused to give back. So, which one of us didn't deserve the other? It's a fact.

I know my worth. I know who I am, and it is not the horrible, pointless, and unworthy person you tried to convince me I was while we were together.
 

This is the first time since he left me back in July 2020 that I can honestly say I don't give a shit if he comes back or not. I just mean..that I'm used to him being gone and him not wanting anything to do with me. I like his face. I like kissing him. I enjoy talking with him. I have love for him. BUT I am not feeling like I am going to die or even cry without his affection. I know I could easily kiss and talk to somebody else if I really start missing it that badly.

I mean, if I can survive what he did to me..I can survive letting myself actually enter the dating scene for the first time in my life. I've never put myself out there, I just let the abusive men come to me and become insta-boyfriends. lol Oops! 🤦🏻‍♀️ Instant-boyfriends = BAD news. Got it! I knew that already..but I gave into D.B. anyway. Crap. That first date really did me in!
 

What an unkind man to play such heartless and damaging games like it is nothing.. Oh well. I forgive him..I just cannot get over how amusing it is that I forgave him for being an abusive jerk and I was willing to stand by his damaging arse forever, but HE couldn't deal with ME and ran. 🤣

Buh bye—