THANKS

10/20/2021

Last night, my dream was rudely interrupted when my ex made a random appearance in it. Nothing worth mentioning took place.. He was simply there, and that was bad enough. I woke up panicked and angry. No worries, I snapped out of it pretty quickly. Instead of being angry and sad, oddly enough, I started feeling happy and thankful. I'm not saying people need to feel thankful for abuse..Oh hellllll no! Never. I'm merely discussing my personal healing process. I'm not thankful for the pain he caused me. I'm thankful that I was able to transform it into something better.

Sections:

Before I Realized-
Appreciating Myself
Thank You, I Forgive You, & I'm Sorry

Before I Realized-

I made some poor choices that placed me in unsafe situations.. so I thought surely the attacks I faced within them were my fault, and that the pain was well deserved.

It was easy for me to believe I was sucked into a toxic relationship due to my failure to be a better woman. I felt that I must not be intelligent, normal, or beautiful enough to be worthy of a loving relationship. I figured I must've been so pathetically needy that I'd given into the first man I’d spent a little time with.

Even though I'd kept to myself for nearly a decade, I was quick to judge myself and assume I must have been too desperate for a man!? 🤦🏻‍♀️ Probably because I'd been told that's why women "of my age" jump right into relationships.

I had opportunities with men over the years, but I purposefully chose to stay alone..Sure, there were definitely components of avoidance mixed in there, but I really wanted to work on myself and not date again until I met a good man.

I truly thought after all of my efforts to become a happy, independent woman that I would eventually attract a compatible man with integrity and an open heart. I wasn’t planning to settle for less than someone who could treat me kindly. If I were desperate for a man, I would not have stayed single or kept to myself for all those years.

I was never so desperate for a relationship that I was willing to jump into one with just anybody.. If that were the case, I would’ve done so long before I met D.B.

When I met him he acted like a good person, so I thought I had met someone with a massive heart and who would never intentionally harm me. I thought I met someone goofy and accepting. I was interested in him because he pretended to have a heart and attitude that matched my own. Now I know I don’t need someone who is exactly like me, I just need someone good and real.

My loneliness and past traumas did contribute to why his love-bombing did me in, but I shouldn't have shamed and blamed myself for being lonely simply because he chose to exploit it.

I didn’t get abused because I was lonely, I got abused because an abuser chose to abuse me. Loneliness was to be expected after a lifetime of either being alone, or being with partners who made me feel like I wasn't there.

My ex was playing emotional dress up when he won me over. I didn’t know that, so I blamed myself for everything that went wrong during and after the relationship. I figured since I was able to be abused again, that I must be stupid, needy, and completely unworthy of a good man's time.

When D.B. and I first got together I thought my confidence levels were high..

Perhaps they were…

But apparently, hidden beneath the foundation of my confidence were wounds and deep fears of being inadequate and unwanted.

When those painful vulnerabilities were maliciously and methodically attacked, they crumbled away to expose that what I thought was supported by sturdy pillars was only being held in place by a makeshift frame.

When what had been ignored and kept deep below became inflamed and moved up towards the surface, all of my comforting confidence and positivity collapsed.

I caved in, and all that was left of the surface was what had previously been buried far beneath it.

His hate drew back out my most severe pains, fears, memories, and disordered ways of thinking from the past.

He brought every single emotional and psychological wound that had ever been inflicted upon me in the past, into the present.. And he continuously kept adding more.

I became the agonizing pain I felt during the worst experiences of my life. I was consumed by, and transformed into the anguish from every single deep hurt ever created by invalidation, violation, shaming, dehumanization, betrayal, degradation, rejection, force, manipulation, neglect, ridicule, and violence.

All of the most severe suffering that I had ever experienced throughout my life took over and pushed the rest of me aside.

He sliced at every single one of those painful memories and scars repeatedly. His attacks were personalized and brutal. He knew what he was doing. He wanted to destroy me. He failed.

Appreciating Myself

I'm not saying I caused or deserved the abusive hell he put me through.. I'm saying that after having three abusive relationships in a row, I could no longer view my relationship patterns as an unfortunate coincidence or bad luck.

I wanted to understand how I managed to end up in this situation again, even after years of stability. I knew there had to be something I could improve upon, like vulnerabilities to analyze and strengthen.

Actually, at first I thought something had to be horribly wrong with me. That’s why since August 2020 I have been taking a much deeper look into my past and coping mechanisms through therapy with someone who specializes in domestic abuse, PTSD, and trauma recovery.

I originally wanted to title this page "Thank You," but then I realized he didn’t turn the pain from his horrible mistreatment into something wonderful, I did.

He doesn't get credit for anything other than the abusive hell he unleashed and the damage it caused. He did that, I am doing this.

I am learning, improving, and appreciating what I have. His abuse didn't make me stronger and more self-aware, my response to it did..I did. He didn't make me a more determined and resilient woman-I did. All I can truly thank HIM for is being gone.

He didn't open my eyes and teach me valuable lessons. All he did was hurt me. I took in the information and taught myself. He didn't want me to become better and thrive because of the hellish torture our relationship was.. He didn't improve my life, I did. I was able reflect and seek out better on my own.

My choices, my heart, and my mind created the positivity from the pain he inflicted. I am not thanking him for the pain, I am thanking life and myself for allowing me to turn my pain into something meaningful.

I turned my misery into life lessons for myself, but more importantly, I turned it into what inspired me to create something that is currently helping many other people who are lost and hurting too. It is helping people feel less alone and more certain about the reality of what they are going through.

On this webpage I've chosen to be transparent with all of my thoughts and emotions throughout my whole recovery process. No matter how rapidly my emotions were cycling, or how unstable I became during bouts of overpowering emotions and severe cognitive dissonance, I stayed true to myself even when I couldn't remember how to be who I was anymore.. And then something good happened.

He and his cruelty didn't make this little webpage happen or help people, I did. I'm proud that I was bold enough to express myself for other people to see, even when that man had me hating myself for simply being me.

Even during my worst moments, I was able to speak up and share the truth with people. I didn't try to make it pretty, or go back and take out the embarrassing bits once I had settled down or had more time to heal.

The abuse was hideous, and healing from it hasn’t been pretty. That’s alright, it’s getting much nicer to look at now.

Pushing pride aside and living authentically does incredible things. I’m learning to be more cautious, but I will not hide who I am when I know who I am is someone overflowing with enough love to give to many people who desperately need it right now.

I will not stop being myself because bad people exist. To be myself is to love, and I am proud of who I am.

It can be embarrassing to have all of this information available online. It is like a time capsule for the relationship and the messy recovery that followed/ is following. I‘m able to go back and read my writings to see when I was oblivious to the most obvious lies.

I can see when I lost my composure, and quite possibly my sanity a few times.

I can see me making the wrong decision repeatedly during each narcissistic hoover.

I can see the ugly trauma bond staring me straight in the face at almost every turn while reading over what I wrote when I thought I was madly in love..Oh dear..I see it all now.

Oh y'all...when I look back over most of my older writings I can see how far gone, broken down and miserable I was. It breaks my heart more than it embarrasses me sometimes. I was not that way before him, at least not within the past decade!

I'm glad I decided to type it all out on this thing I created last year. I can see how far I've come, and you can see you are not alone in this madness. We all get lost. And everyone who gets abused loses touch with reality as their abuser repeatedly twists it in various directions. You can find the true reality again, I promise.

I have regrets and moments in which I feel ashamed of how low I fell, but I am still very proud to be able to say that I got back up. I am proud to be good person. I am thankful for the heart I have.

I am thankful that I am weird and that I allow myself to be vulnerable even when I know my ex will be laughing at me from afar. That is ok, because I don't need him to appreciate me for me to be able to finally feel thankful for myself. I appreciate me, nobody else has to..but they should probably want to. ;)

Thank You, I Forgive You, & I'm Sorry

Below is what I wrote back in February 2021 to thank him. I recently deleted the page this was on because I realized he doesn't deserve my gratitude.
I don't want to alter what I wrote several months back, because I understand where my mind was.
I wasn't thanking him for his wrongdoings, I was thanking what the circumstances showed me because I was able to see. The longer he’s gone the clearer the view becomes.

Thank You, I Forgive You, & I'm Sorry

Thank you for leaving me. I mean that sincerely.. I would have likely stayed blindly devoted to you for a very long time. It takes a lot for me to stop fighting for someone I love. I had no plan of ever giving up on you, even though it was destroying me to hang on.

So thank you for breaking my heart a final time. I wish you would've not broken it so many times while we were still together. But to know you will never do it again (He came back and broke it again right after I wrote this).

My unhealthy determination to be there for you, no matter what, was something that felt impossible to extinguish, but then you did it for me. I couldn't stop putting you first. Fortunately, you took that option away from me. I deserve love, you don't have any within yourself to give. You ended us the way you always do, abusively. I am glad you did it, because now you're gone.

Thank you, leaving is the only good thing you've ever done for me. Please stay gone this time- Finally keep one promise, the one you made when you said "Bye forever!"

THANK YOU-

For showing me the work I still need to do on myself, including vulnerabilities I need to learn how to protect, and boundaries I need to place.
For showing me that trust takes time, and should not be given freely to someone simply because the first impression is intoxicatingly familiar. You were familiar to me because I'd already been close to multiple abusers.
For making my worst nightmare come true. I stayed alone for nearly a decade, mostly due to my overwhelming fear that I'd end up with someone like you. I was terrified of getting abused again, so I let that fear manifest as extreme avoidance to remain safe. Being dehumanized and broken down again was my absolute worst fear...but you made me face it head on. By being with you, I survived something even worse than my worst fear..So, now I feel no need to hide and stay alone anymore. Thanks to your betrayal and hatred, I will never avoid life and relationships again..I will just be much more careful. If I could survive someone as cruel and damaging as you, I can survive anything.
For your refusal or complete inability to empathize, reminding me how important it is to feel.
For showing me the serious danger in accepting too many excuses for someone's bad behavior.
For allowing me to realize how deeply and selflessly I can love someone, even when they’re wrong person. I didn't think I could ever be proud of something as simple as how I love, but your relentless hatred has made me proud of my massive capacity for love. Your cruel, disordered ways have gotten me to recognize that not everyone has the ability to care, compromise, be long-suffering, self-reflect, and accommodate..So apparently, there's nothing simple about it. Thus, I am proud of how intensely and purely I loved you..or who I thought you were.
For making me laugh and smile. Although you never allowed it to last for long, it would mean everything and make me really happy whenever it actually occurred. I appreciate all joy I am able to experience. So thank you for those brief moments in which my heart lit up brighter than it ever had before. Thank you for all the moments when I felt completely fulfilled simply by being next to you. The connection you faked was never fake for me. I have so much love to give, but I went and poured it all out for the wrong man. That's alright. It's back where it belongs now, you don't have it anymore.
For showing me that trying hard and caring with all I have doesn't mean good things are coming my way.
For pushing me so far down repeatedly and making me snap. The mistreatment and belittlement woke a part of me that is pushing back, finally. Not pushing back at you, but pushing back for myself. It's awoken my need to self-advocate and know who I am regardless of what demeaning, spiteful, and untrue things you or anyone else has to say about who I am. If you describe me as something bad and worthless, you'll only be proving that you are blind.
For reminding me that being overly cautious for a very long time does not mean it is suddenly safer to throw all caution aside, impulsively jump in, and drop my guard to a charming stranger...Now I know chemistry and a connection can be faked and ruthlessly exploited, no matter how safe I feel holding the hand of who's doing it. I thought I saw another big, beautiful heart. That wasn't you...you have no heart. My eyes are wide open now.
For acting as you did most recently, helping me lose my romantic feelings for you.
For not recognizing or appreciating my beauty and worth as a person. For failing to see the substantial value in my loyalty, compassion, insight, patience, resilience, effort, humor, philosophies, mercy, time, strengths, and most importantly-the pure, unconditional love I offered to you. Because your failure to see my worth, will make it even more wonderful when the right man actually sees and appreciates me.
For inspiring this entire website that has helped me and several others process, cope, heal.
For showing me I can love someone and pray for them to be alright, even when they've left behind ugly scars and hate me as much as you do. I haven't been able to feel as spiritual as I did before you, but I still try to believe God is there.

I FORGIVE YOU-

I forgive you, and you know what I want for you..no matter how much I don’t like you. It’s all here. You know, you just don’t care.
For easily thinking I deserve your hatred and mistreatment, but never once having treated me like I deserved anything good.
For always letting me know you think I'm a worthless, crazy, horrible person--even though you know the entire time we were together I never ceased talking about all of the wonderful things I saw in you that made you worth everything. You tore my very character apart the entire time we were dating, when all I was trying to do was support you and build you up..
For always telling me I was making a huge mess, when I was only trying to get your help cleaning up one you left behind.
For thinking allowing yourself to be vulnerable in order to love authentically and meaningfully is pathetic and weak, just because it can be taken advantage of.
For ruining my birthday while you were fully aware I had offered all of myself to you on yours-and been annihilated for doing so.
For harshly rejecting and crushing me right after convincing me you were all in and that I could feel safe with you, repeatedly.
For always being negative.
For damn near destroying me simply because I wanted positivity and goodness. All I wanted was kindness, truth, consideration, respect, and commitment. Nobody should ever be forced to accept anything less than that from their partner, nor be shamed and attacked for expressing they have standards for how they're treated. You punished me for standing up for myself and for requesting to be treated right over and over again, throughout the entire relationship. That is what every fight and silent treatment started with. You'd treat me like I wasn't even a person worthy of your time and decency, I'd speak up..and I'd pay for it. You'd make sure to show me my boundaries, needs, and self assertion were unacceptable, by convincing me that I was unacceptable.
For taking so much while giving the bare minimum, and getting angry whenever I'd ask for more.
For pushing me away anytime I'd reach out to you in desperate need of your support and compassion, regardless of how much support, understanding, and consideration I had frequently provided you.
For being dishonest and claiming to love me.
For hating me.
For using what I trusted you with (my past experiences, biggest fears, and weaknesses) to hurt me in the worst way possible..instead of using that knowledge to keep me safe.
For hurting me worse than anyone else ever has.
For making me feel incredibly worse by attacking or abandoning me every. single. time I let you know I was hurting.
For not being who you said you were
For manipulating and intentionally hurting someone who you know would have NEVER tried to hurt you. I still don't want to hurt you.
For pushing and pushing, and then acting like I was completely insane each time I'd finally snap and push back with gusto.
For coming back over and over just to worsen the pain I was in the midst of healing from, and for doing so by always informing me on your way out that it's all my fault because I'm a horrible, pathetic, crazy, worthless person who deserves all the darkness you've hurled my way.
For not valuing and seeing who I really am, or accepting what you've really done even though doing so would've mended the fractured relationship and/or help provide me with a smoother recovery process.
For having an entire website at your disposal full of proof and stories to see exactly why it is so serious, difficult, and painful to trust you when you swoop back in..but then acting like you don't have a clue what I've been through. Followed by you insinuating that I am just being difficult and breaking down for absolutely no reason related to consequences of your destructive abusive behaviors. That’s awful.
For never having time to make it up to me, yet plenty of time to make me feel so much worse.
For making me feel like an obligation and an inconvenience while we were together, instead of like someone you appreciated and wanted.
For continuing the abuse and dragging out my suffering from your previous abuse long after the initial break up on July 8th..which was horrible enough.
For downplaying the severity of your actions. Blaming me and pretending I'm only acting out and having breakdowns because I'm crazy is simply your more comfortable rewrite, but that story will never be true.
And for THIS being the only constant in our(your) relationship: His lack of consideration, minimal agreeability, and avoidance were provoking behaviors because they hurt me by denying all healthy communication- It created an oppressive relationship dynamic in which I was compromising everything to cater his needs...It's supposed to be about two people..not just the one declaring how everything is going to be-because it must always be only what is best for him, desired by him, useful to him, and approved of by him. He always came up with a solid, tragic reason to avoid finishing a discussion to resolve an issue or provide something I'd tell him was very important to me..Something bad would suddenly happen, a certain trauma would be on his mind, a bad dream, he'd be too stressed, too busy, taking on too much already, having a bad day. He'd make sure to line it up to where if I insisted on speaking about it, I'd be in the wrong..I'd be the one being selfish, even though I was the one in the relationship who couldn't ask things of him when I was struggling too..even though I constantly bent over backwards to approach his struggles correctly/as instructed. He would be outraged and vanish if I requested the same. It was never about me. Each time I began letting him know I desperately needed to talk with him, it would just so happen to be the straw to break the camel’s back..to collapse him or set him off. ALL year long, every single time I expressed I needed to speak with him about something that was important to me. Convenient. I'm being literal-every. single. time. We never resolved one issue. I'd just be forced to 'let it go' and apologize for wishing to communicate, understand, and end the discord.

I'M SORRY-

For knowing I don't actually owe you a single apology.
For the role I played in our relationship's toxic dynamic.
For having lashed out at you too. I know there is a good likelihood you are not fazed and do not care at all what I think. But if any of the words I have EVER said inflicted even the tiniest hint of pain or sadness, I wish I could take it away..but I can't. You did bad things, and I let you know I did not approve. I cannot approve of cruelty and selfishness. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry that you cannot do better and live better. My heart hurts to know that yours is nonexistent. I truly wish your life could be better, but all I can do is improve my own and stay far away from inhuman people like you. I'm sorry I can't help you or trade places.
If I ever made you feel like you were less than whoever it is you really are.
For rushing in just because you did. Following your lead was a terrible mistake…
For not seeing that my wanting to finally get treated right (with consideration, patience, kindness, respect, honesty, and commitment) was going to be so aggravating and pointless to you.
For fighting so hard to be enough for you, instead of saying goodbye when I realized I never would be.
For needing you, and expecting you to provide something you said you would but never once showed you could.
For making you the center of my universe. I acted like if I could help you be ok, I'd be ok. I was never ok. I was always hurting. Even if you wanted all the power, I am sorry I gave it to you..I threw myself away because who I was didn't seem to matter to you, and you were almost all that mattered to me, so honestly.. all I wanted was for you to be ok. I shouldn't have made you my everything. I shouldn't have forgotten about working on me in an effort to help you work on you. I should've bowed out. I thought you were it, and didn't want to give up..I was willing to wait while we got us and ourselves together. But I was waiting on something when what it was was all it ever could be.
For blowing up your phone with a million text messages that made sense but their rapidly shifting tones and quantity did not. (It was rapid cycling/an emotional dysregulation caused by a triggering stressor.) The pain when you come back, it feels like the pain you don't care about, or have underestimated. I want to freeze and calm down... But when you love someone who refuses to listen your emotions start to scream louder and louder because you get sick of not being heard while still always being expected to listen.
For getting so mad at you when you act the way you always do.. I'm responsible for learning the pattern and leaving instead of foolishly believing you when you say you want to change. I created an entire website dedicated to narcissistic abuse awareness due to the manner in which you mistreated me, but I still manage to be taken aback when you act so very... narcissistically. Ha.. If I know, I should just know instead of trying to force what I know out of my mind because I loved you. That's not fair to either one of us. If you really don't care at all and it was purely a sadistic game, you deserve an easier one, because I already know all of your moves.. I'm not impressed. Move on handsome..it is a shame your heart is so damn ugly.
For being vulnerable and blind to what was going on in our relationship until it was over..but I guess that's more of an apology to myself.

His Abuse Hurt the Most

Resuming Life

My Mistakes

Complex PTSD

Unexpected Happiness

Done Chasing