Sections: 

• I Believed
• He Couldn’t Deliver
  
• I Lost My 💩!   

Articles:
— Can Abusive Partners Really Change?
— Narcissists' Biggest Excuses
— Things to Consider

I Believed

Not sure if this was a reverse-hoover or simply hoover 6? I’m never going to make the mistake of listening to a message from him again. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was feeling low, and then I saw he’d left voicemails..🤦🏻‍♀️
 
 

When I was stupid enough to unblock his number because he left two kind voicemails in my blocked voicemail-folder..(I had previously sent him loving thoughts and well wishes for his future).. his response was to declare romantic love, his desire for a life together, and then to start propositioning me for ‘Christmas-sex’ by the third text he sent after I’d unblocked his number. Literally, his third text to me after all this time and all the ways he’s wronged me was to ask for sex. The third one..🤨 So, that red flag, and me knowing the only man I had romantic interest in was the one from school, is why I re-blocked his number again twice within a few hours.

Then I felt guilty. I started doubting myself and wondering..what if he really was struggling?..What if he really did love me? What if I was wrong about him? What if nobody else ever wants me? OLD HABITS DIE HARD, but at least that means they’re not invincible!

Then, when I caved and I actually spoke to him over the phone...what I’d always wanted finally happened. He spoke to me and his words didn’t feel empty or forced. It felt like he was present. It was something new. It felt incredible. His emotion felt genuine and the conversation flow felt natural and safe?? 
 

It was the closest to him I’d ever felt to be honest. So much so, that I agreed to be friends and build trust. Maybe just the right amount of time had passed for me to be more easily duped once again. Either way, talking to him was idiotic.  
 

It was like I was finally getting to see the real him. All the darkness, light and strengths. It was an wonderful feeling. He in all he struggles and complexities were awesome to me...Because for once, I felt like I could see him. The beautiful person behind all his bullshit, struggles, narcissistic defenses etc.
 

I never wanted to reduce him to his abusive ways or psychological troubles..but that’s all he usually let me see. But FINALLY, it felt like he was truly there. He was the one speaking to me for a change..not his front..not his mask. I remembered getting a small glimpse of him before, but this felt like the full view. It was something different…it seemed that way.
 

He seemed.. sincere. It was connection that he’d never actually made before. It was an enjoyable break from loneliness. I didn’t know if that part of him still existed somewhere in there..but then he stepped out for a brief moment. It was something I appreciated and had no desire to put an end to..however, I have my own defenses and triggers. One is being ordered around.. another is being ignored/abruptly shut out—especially by him.
 

Being confused didn’t help either, and I had told him I was attracted to another man..but he kept saying how much he loved me and wanted us to eventually have forever together. 
 

He continued to proposition me for ‘Christmas sex’ even after I mentioned the other man I was drawn to, and said we’d need to be friends.
  

Obviously I am human, so to be completely honest..that wasn’t the most repulsive thing to hear.😬 He’s not ugly on the outside, and I am lonely as hell. (Don’t worry y’all, we didn’t get anywhere near each other this time! 💃🏻)
 

I felt so conflicted because I knew what I really wanted: The only reason I was even open to talking to D.B. was because the ‘crush’ never made a move. If he had, my ex would’ve stayed in that blocked folder. I should have never listened to those messages, regardless of how things were going in my non-existent love life. I let hurt feelings(rejection), loneliness, and insecurity win. 
 

I told D.B. the truth. But he began doing what I’d always prayed he would..He started being emotionally open with me. At least, it seemed that way. I became so deeply confused. It was great talking to him, but hell at the same time because I kept thinking about how much I’d been looking forward to talking to someone else. I still quickly fell right back into the pattern from before. 
 

Then, basically only one day into actually speaking with my ex, he took on a pissy, passive aggressive tone.
 

I was in no place mentally to handle any aggression from him, regardless of how subtle. My mental stability is always gone the moment he comes back around. For good reason..He practically killed me psychologically last year. That is not something my sympathetic nervous system will let me forget anytime soon. I also may have been subconsciously hoping for it to all blow up already so I could get back to healing and stability.
 

He Couldn’t Deliver

He never can, OR has chosen that he never will, deliver—

All it took was one thing...One thing did not go his way and he quickly reverted back to an invalidating arse. I lost my sh*t!! He gave me sharp orders to do something instead of asking respectfully.. even though he knew I’d have said yes as soon as he asked. D.B. went from opening up, for what felt like the first time, to talking down to me and icing me out.
 

He did not once consider how him approaching me in such a cold, negative manner would make me feel. He knew my website was created to recover from the trauma he caused and that it means so much to me because pouring my heart into into since last August has quite literally saved my life. But then guess what he chose to do..
 

We’d been getting along great..and he abruptly changed his tone and sent me aggressively accusatory, short, and controlling text messages like it was his place to tell me what to do with myself or my website. No respect for me as a person at all. He didn’t attempt to hold a conversation even when I shared my feelings clearly. He caught me off guard and was rude out of nowhere. I had no idea what was going on.. but I felt familiar feelings taking over.
 

I went from confused and joyful to suddenly feeling under attack and afraid everything was imploding as usual, and like I was helpless to stop it. I wanted to go back in time and make the right choice to keep his number blocked.
 

He ignored my legitimate feelings, and barked out his order without acknowledging a single point I had made.. As always. That didn’t matter to him. He just wanted to make sure I did what he wanted me to do, my experience and truth meant nothing at all. He didn’t even consider the possibility that there had been a misunderstanding of some sort. Nope. That was it. Like a complete asshole who didn’t care about me or think better of me than that. He didn’t read my messages or call. He just hit me with an unexpected accusation, fussed, gave an order, then vanished. Like always.
 

His narcissistic rage sent me into my own fit. I snapped and spiraled. I was so exhausted with getting hurt by him, that the moment he was unkind and faltered in his own flaws...I got sucked into, and overtaken, by my own. But the pain that triggered me just got worse, because he wasn't there when I came back down..even though it was for the best it hurt the way it always did in the past when I used to actually want him to stay.
 

When we were a couple, the only thing I had ever wanted him to do for me was to stand by me the way I always always stood by him no matter what hell he unleashed..but the moment I raised a little hell of my own—he’d always be gone. It felt too familiar, I freaked out. He deleted me..when I was the one doing him a favor by agreeing to try to be his friend.
 

I had repeatedly forgiven the unthinkable. But when I crossed the line he had crossed a million times before... it was game over for me. I just want someone to be there...ideally, not someone as cruel and selfish as he is.

Yep. Once I realized he’d blocked me out again like a stonewalling coward...Being triggered went to a whole new level. I just wanted him to treat me like a person on his way out. Saying bye is fine, but the way he does it is always spineless and pathetic.
 

My mind and emotions exploded. I left many voicemail in his blocked VM folder. He deserved worse. lol! I no longer care if I looked crazy. When it comes to him, I am crazy. I have the right to speak my mind and go insane on someone as I stand up for myself and let my rapid cycling emotions do their thing while I’m triggered because I’m tired of being spoken down to and ordered around by this man. Why does he ever think he has the right to talk to me like he’s above me? He’s not. Man is always talking about how strong he is, but he isn’t even strong enough to stand by a strong woman unless he beats her down first. That’s not alright.

I raged so hard, and sobbed too. It was a long, long night when I left all those messages telling him EXACTLY how I felt. A lot of painful memories were attacking my mind from every angle. All of the stonewalling, accusations, and abandonments of the past just..No.I couldn’t handle them anymore. All that hurt, confusion, and past anguish was suddenly all I could feel. I was stuck in it. I fussed for hours and hours until I finally felt like I had gotten all of the poison out of my system. The spewing out of my truths felt like my way of fighting to get free of the madness I’d fallen back down into. 

I was so mad at myself. I also got sad because I knew I wouldn’t lie about this failure of mine, and that if the stranger I had a ‘crush’ on was ever viewing my page, he’d definitely never want to get to know me now. So then I was mad at myself and D.B. because I felt he was continuing to make my life suck even a year+ after he’d left! I felt like I was ruining things for myself out of fear too..like I was an avoidant narcissist! 

I lost my mind with anger, sadness, confusion, and shame. So much pain and rage is still suppressed from the hell he put me through...So I’m not going to lie, raging at his voicemail felt like an incredible release.

Can an Abusive Partner Really Change?

People change. That small, two-word sentence is actually a huge, significant statement that carries a lot of weight.

We grow up learning about change - the inevitability of it, the uncertainty it can bring. We change - our opinions, personalities, careers, friends and much more. 
 

Some changes feel like they happen overnight. Others are more conscious, and they have to be, like overcoming an addiction or correcting a personality flaw that's harmful to ourselves or others. 
 

If you're the one wanting a loved one to change, it can feel impossible - but we hold onto the hope that they will change, because we desperately want them to, because we remember how they were different in the past (and if they changed for the worse, can't they change for the better?)
 

While people do have the capacity to change, they need to deeply want to and be committed to all aspects of change in order to begin to do so - and even then, it's a lot easier said than done.

In discussing why abusers abuse, it's clear that a lot of the causal factors behind these behaviors are learned attitudes and feelings of entitlement and privilege - which can be extremely difficult to truly change. Because of this, there's a very low percentage of abusers who truly do change their ways.
 

One part of changing may involve an abusive partner willingly attending a certified batterer intervention program that focuses on behavior, reflection and accountability. At the Hotline we don't recommend couples counseling, anger management, substance abuse programs or mental health treatments for abusers to learn about and deal with their abusive patterns (although oftentimes these can helpfully supplement a batterer intervention program).

How can abusers change?

According to author Lundy Bancroft, the following are some changes in your partner that could indicate they're making progress in their recovery:

• Admitting fully to what they have done

• Stopping excuses and blaming

• Making amends

• Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice

• Identifying patterns of controlling behavior they use

• Identifying the attitudes that drive their abuse

• Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process - not declaring themselves "cured"

• Not demanding credit for improvements they've made

• Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. "I haven't done anything like this in a long time, so it's not a big deal)

• Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors

• Carrying their weight and sharing power

• Changing how they respond to their partner's (or former partner's) anger and grievances

• Changing how they act in heated conflicts

• Accepting the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them)

Learn more about Lundy Bancroft here and check out some of his helpful books, including "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."

As Bancroft notes, truly overcoming abusiveness can be an ongoing, often lifelong process.

No one deserves abuse, and it's never too late to seek help. While we hope abusive partners will change, it's not always realistic to expect that they can and will. 
 

Focus on changes you can control to improve your own life, because you deserved to feel loved, happy and safe.

In the words of artist Andy Warhol, "When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then... You can't make them change if they don't want to."

Source: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/is-change-possible-in-an-abuser/

Narcissists’ Biggest Excuses 

The biggest excuses narcissists spin to keep you hooked - and why this makes them dangerous

• Narcissists are very skilled liars.

• They're great at spinning a web of lies to keep you hooked.

• They also explain away their abusive behavior by manipulating their partner into thinking they can't help it.

• Sometimes they also shift the blame onto the partner.

• You can't trust a narcissist, so the best thing to do is to break free and never look back.

Breaking up with a narcissist can be very difficult. If they aren't finished with you yet, they will plead you to stay. If you are trauma bonded to them, then their begging and false promises may well work.
 

It takes a great deal of strength to walk away because narcissists are such highly-skilled liars. They've been lying their whole lives, both to themselves and to others. They have an inflated sense of ego, which is a cover-up for their low self-esteem, and based on nothing but delusion.
 

Narcissists know exactly what tales to spin to keep you around out of shame or pity. They're so convincing in their lies, they can make their victims feel like they are going crazy.
 

They're also very good at coming up with excuses for their bad behavior.
 

According to doctor of psychology Perpetua Neo, who works with the victims of narcissistic abuse, somebody who constantly explains away their actions without taking any responsibility may be a narcissist.
 

"Some of them say things like: I cannot help it, I've been so damaged, I need to drink, snort coke, whatever," Neo told Business Insider.
 

"That's why I do that stupid behavior, so you have to understand and forgive me. This means you have to absolve two kinds of behavior - one the drinking or the substance abuse, and two the emotional abuse towards you."
 

The whole point is to make you feel guilty for questioning their motives. For example, Neo says that if any of her clients brought up the fact their narcissistic partner was being unloving, cruel, or was doing something they didn't think was appropriate, they would be met by fierce defense.
 

One of their favorite lines is "I'm so much better now," because victims will often find narcissists claim to have had problems in the past, such as addictions or difficult ex-partners.

Narcissists all follow a similar pattern

"They might say, for instance 'I used to be a sex addict,'" Neo said. "Or 'I used to be a sex addict and now I'm so much better.' So whenever you see them slip, they will say they couldn't help it."
 

They might also bring up their past, and how much of a hard life they've had.
 

You very rarely meet a narcissist who doesn't claim to have had a difficult upbringing.
 

"They say 'I'm only like that because of my past,' or 'because my mother hurt me,' or 'my father is the reason I am who I am,'" Neo said. "They're always one step ahead of you."
 

Narcissists are also furious if you don't appreciate the tiny things they have apparently done. They expect praise for simply being a decent human being, and are insulted if they aren't congratulated at every turn.
 

"They say, 'don't forget that one week where I drank less. You're so ungrateful. Didn't you see me try?'" Neo said.
  

"The changes are very piecemeal and transient, but of course the narcissist is going to blow them all up, because he thinks everything he gives is a very big deal. They see it like currency"
 

Some narcissists will blame their behavior on their friends, saying it's just the culture they live in. Others will blame their partner for the behavior, calling them crazy, and manipulating them into acting differently.
 

In the early days of an abusive relationship, narcissists love bomb their victims with attention and affection, while they pretend to be the best person in the world. It's only once they are sure they have hooked their partner that their true self starts to shine through.

THERE’S NO LIMIT TO THEIR LIES

Sometimes, narcissists will play an extreme pity card by telling you they have a mental health condition, and you are a bad person for not excusing them as a result.
 

"They might say they have a substance abuse problem because they are depressed, or because they're anxious," Neo said.
 

"My ex pulled out this whole borderline personality diagnosis on me. Borderline people are emotionally volatile because they can't regulate their emotions. So he would say he was borderline therefore he was paranoid, therefore he didn't like me talking to other people."
 

Particularly twisted narcissists have also pretended to be ill to get what they want. One of Neo's clients, for example, paid for her ex-husband to live in a huge house because he told her he had cancer.
 

Over time, narcissists become more sophisticated because they're constantly learning tricks about how to manipulate people. That's how they can get away with such exploitation.
 

Ultimately, the only thing you can do is get as far away from them as possible, Neo said. You should break away as soon as you know you are with someone who is incapable of empathy, and run far away.
 

The best revenge you can get is to live your life, learn from the experience, and grow as a result. Finding out you are stronger and happier without them will help ensure it never happens to you again. 

Businessinsider.com/the-biggest-excuses-narcissists-spin-to-keep-you-hooked

Things to Consider

There are two main things to keep in mind when deciding how much potential an abuser has to become a kind, respectful partner in the long run:

He cannot change unless he deals deeply with his entitled and superior attitudes.

No superficial changes that he may make offer any real hope for the future. 

It makes no difference how nice he is being to you, since almost all abusers have their nice periods. 

What matters is how respectful and non-coercive he chooses to become. Holding on to these fundamental points, you can use the following guide to help you identify changes that show promise of being genuine. We are looking for "yes" answers to these questions. 

• Has he learned to treat your opinions with respect, even when they differ strongly from his? 

• Is he accepting of your right to express anger to him, especially when it involves his history of mistreating you?

• Is he respecting your right to freedom and independence? Does that include refraining from all interference with your friendships and giving up the demand to always know here you are and whom you are with?

• Has he stopped making excuses for his treatment of you, including your behavior as and excuse for his?

• Is he being respectful about sex, applying no pressure and engaging in no guilt trips?

• Has he stopped cheating and flirting with other women, or using other behaviors that keep you anxious that he will stray?

• Does he listen to your side in arguments without interrupting, and then make a serious effort to respond thoughtfully to your points, even if he doesn't like them?

• Have you been free to raise your grievances, new or old, without retaliation from him?

• Has he stopped talking about his abuse as if it were an accident and begun to acknowledge that he used it to control you?

• Is he actually responding to your grievances and doing something about them (for example, changing the way he behaves towards your children)?

• Has he greatly reduced or eliminated the use of controlling behavior (such as sarcasm, rolling his eyes, loud disgusted sighs, talking over you, using the voice of ultimate authority, and other demonstrations of disrespect and superiority) during conversations or arguments?

• When he does slip back into controlling behavior. does he take you seriously when you complain about it and keep working on improving?

• Is he being consistent and responsible in his behavior, taking into account how his actions affect you without having to constantly be reminded?

• Is he acting noticeably less demanding, selfish and self-centered?

• Is he being fair and responsible about money, including allowing you to keep your own assets in your own name?

• Has he stopped any behaviors that you find threatening or intimidating?

• Has he significantly expanded his contribution to household and child-rearing responsibilities and stopped taking your domestic work for granted and treating you like a servant?

• Has he begun supporting your strengths rather than striving to undermine them?

• Have you had any major angry moments with him in which he has shown and new willingness to conduct himself non-abusively?

"No" answers to any of the above questions are signs of work that your partner still needs to do. If he is committed to changing, he will take you seriously when you voice your continued concerns and he will acknowledge that he needs to continue working on his attitudes and habits. 

On the other hand, if he is impatient with or critical of you for not being satisfied with the gestures of change he has already made, that is a sign that his overt abusive behaviors will be coming back before long. My experience with abusive men is that small or even medium level improvements generally slip away over time. The man who actually maintains his progress is usually the one who changes completely even though that process tends to take considerable time. Thus, when you are attempting to preserve a relationship with a man who has abused you, you need to some extent hold him to an even higher standard than you would a non-abusive partner.

Sometimes when a woman reports to me that her abusive partner has been doing better, it turns out that he hasn't been doing anything at all. He isn't swearing at her or scaring her, but he also isn't spending time with her, talking to her, or showing her any affection. He's avoiding abusiveness simply by disconnecting from the relationship. As a partner of one of my clients said to me: "It's like he's got two gears: angry and neutral."
 

Distancing himself can be worse than avoidance; it can be a way of punishing you for putting your foot down about the way he treats you. A certain number of my clients leave their partners once they realize that their abuse isn't going to be tolerated anymore. But the more typical approach is to remain physically present but to re-tool the machinery to churn out passive aggression rather than open hostility. He learns to hurt her through what he doesn't do instead of what he does.
 

The previous questions can help you distinguish between genuine change and an abusive man's usual pattern of going through a "good" period. Partner's of my successful clients say they feel almost as though they were living with a different person and that now they sense a deeper change that involves a real shift in attitude rather than just his usual use of superficial sweetness to smooth things over.

Clear Signs of Who Isn't Changing

Your partner can make several statements or behave in several ways that clearly indicate he isn't making progress:

• He says he can change only if you change too.

• He says he can change only if you "help" him change, by giving him emotional support, reassurance, and forgiveness and by spending a lot of time with him. This often means he wants you to abandon any plans you had of taking a break from him.

• He criticizes you for not noticing how much he has changes.

• He criticizes you for not trusting that his change will last.

• He criticizes you for considering him capable of behaving abusively even though he in fact has done so in the past (or has threatened to) as if you should know that "he would never do something like that" even though he has.

• He tells you that you are taking too long to make up your mind, that he can't "wait forever" as a way to pressure you not to take the time you need to collect yourself and to assess how much he's willing to change.

• He says, "I'm changing, I'm changing" but you don't feel it.

Be Straight With Yourself

To use good judgement and make wise decisions about the prospects for the change in your abusive partner, you need to be honest with yourself. Because you love him, or you have children with him, or leaving him would be difficult for other reasons, you may be sorely tempted to get overly hopeful about a small concession that he finally makes. 

If he doesn't budge for five years, or twenty years and then he finally moves an inch, your exhaustion can make you think Hey! An inch! That's progress! You may wish to overlook all the glaring signs indicating that his basic attitudes and strategies remain intact. Beware of his deception and your own self-deception. I have heard such heart-rendering sadness in the voices of many dozens of abused women who have said to me: "I wish I could somehow recover all those years I wasted waiting around for him to deal with his issues." Save yourself that sadness if you can, by insisting on nothing less than complete respect

Source: https://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change