Misguided Compassion

03/24/2021

Sections:

  • Rejected & Shamed
  • How I Saw Him

Rejected & Shamed


My love is who I am. That makes love dangerous for me, because when I love it's with everything I've got. My love is deep, selfless, and given with no limitations in its capacity to serve, accompany, forgive, consider, and believe. He had it and he hated it.
  
He hates me for everything I am, even though who I am is someone who only had good intentions and care for him. I offered my love to him freely as I stood by him with fierce loyalty and devotion.
 
I will never understand what it's like to intentionally destroy others. I can't grasp how it must be to think it is acceptable, justified, or unimportant to do so.


I only know what it is like to be destroyed by someone you'd never intentionally wrong. I know what it's like to be repeatedly hurt by someone who you can't stand the thought of hurting. I know what it's like to be in love with a monster you desperately want to believe is a man.

 

I loved, hoped, and tried, but he chose to hate, abuse, and leave me with pain that will likely remain with me forever.
 

I will never forget the devastating pain of my world crashing down during the main discard. I will never forget how much I cared or how much his hatred broke my spirit. I will also never forget that he was once broken too.
 

The worst part is knowing that he will never be ok. All I’ve wanted since day one was for him to be alright. It pains me to know that I cannot end his suffering. I cannot get through to him.


I don't want him to hurt,
yet there's nothing I can do. It's not my place to intervene, but it kills me to know he’s being destroyed by his own pain.

I know how that feels. I never want anyone else to experience it. That’s why when someone I love is miserable, regardless of how far down they've sunk, it automatically drags my heart straight down next to theirs. I can’t just leave them in the dark. Nobody should be left alone in a place like that.
"Either way-"

How I Saw Him

The troubled, yet beautiful person I thought he was—


The view I had of him being wounded and scared is what fueled my misguided compassion. That care left me vulnerable.

I thought he was troubled, but didn’t believe he was misrepresenting himself and his intentions—  I was wrong. And my excessive empathy enabled his game.
 
 

I saw humanity within him, but his actions reflect that it never existed. Below is the troubled, damaged view I always had of him following the main discard on his birthday. 

I suspect I gave him far too much credit by viewing him in this sad light. Now I fear that his spirit is not only deeply hidden, but that it's also dead amongst the wreckage of whatever's left inside.

 

He showed me glimpses of who I thought he was. He said who I saw was real, and so I tried my best to get to him.
 

I worked tirelessly and fought with all my might to reach him so he could live and no longer be curled up isolated behind the destructive mess he swore he wanted to escape.
 

Despite my exhaustive efforts I never reached who he claimed was stuck back there. I tried my absolute best. I didn't stop trying, and I never would have.
 

I wanted to do right by him, accept him, and support him.
 

Although he asked for the help, reaching out my hand only made him angry.
 

Loving him made him hate me. A hate so strong that it's baffling in it's extreme contrast to how I have always felt for him.
  

He is a fighter. He protects himself, even though by doing so he is actually erasing himself and breaking down all that is good around him. He insures everything in too close of proximity is broken apart, disfigured and destroyed, so it will then match what's inside of himself.
 

Inside he is chaotic, hurt, bleak, empty, angry, and wronged. He has been victimized, truly he has. His life has been hard. Things beyond his control likely created these damaging walls that have now collapsed on top of the decimated personhood he used to possess. Now he is stuck there as an outraged victim. 
 

I care. I understand how and why he could be so angry. He was wronged horrifically, and he is not ok with it.
 

It was not alright for him to be mistreated and corrupted. Sadly, he never worked through it, so he's never gotten past it. Thus, he continues living in the worst moment(s) of his life, and it's shut him down permanently.
 

He was supposed to be built up and guided into an individual with the ability to adjust and function in a stable, productive manner.
 

He was deprived of what every person deserves. I'm sure of that. From what I've heard his childhood was full of damaging situations. His normal is not normal, it is tragic. 
 

He is stuck, alone, and revictimized repeatedly. He is stuck in a compulsive loop he doesn't realize he's engrossed in. He can't understand why it is the way it is, or even what it is.
 
He avoids depth because deep down in the depths of who he is, and who he was supposed to be l, is something excruciatingly painful.
 
If he thinks beyond the distractions and meaningless games he would see everything true that he pretends doesn't exist.

He would see that his life is a sham. 

His life is a waste. 
 
He doesn't even know what he is doing or why..
 
He thinks his lack of care is a superior strength that set's him apart.. In all actuality, it is what has damned him in this life- and possibly the next. 
 
Those demons he hides aren't really what he keeps the hidden most. HE is what he hides. Arrogantly and pitifully he denies it.. He rolls his beautiful green eyes at the concept that there is more to him. 

He knows that he would never be weak enough to be similar to all of the ’pathetic, clueless’ people he dupes so easily. He is not that way. He's better. Smarter. Stronger.. All because deep down he feels, or used to feel, he is less. 

He convinces himself he is not like others because he knows better than the rest. However, the truth is he just doesn't know how to be like those who are real.

He can't master being authentic because it isn't a trick. So he turns being real into a game, which insures his life and personality will never be more than fakery.. A lie so wrong that it is nothing but a total disconnect from what offers peace and lasting fulfillment.
 
It isn't who he is. He is restless and running around moving people like chess pieces.. He’s not realizing how flawed and doomed his approach is. 

He believes he knows himself best, but he does not. He can't if he is too afraid to take an honest look at who he is.

He was a victim. It wasn’t fair, but that moment is over.
 
He is stuck in the very evil that was done to him, that his actions and quite possibly the person he is living as, have morphed into the very same evil he never deserved to encounter. Now he is releasing the evil done to him onto others. Onto me. 
 
He is angry because he was wronged, but mostly he is angry because he is not allowing himself to live. Who he is/was is shoved so far down, that the thing controlling him and living his life is his anger and hate. He isn't living at all. Not really. Only his pain and outrage is.

He is so far down, hidden, and damaged that he is letting the resentment, rage, contempt take over and be in his place. Sadly, if that is how it stays for too much longer he'll live out the rest of his life being dead inside. He will be walking hatred with merely the appearance of a man.

His life is hell, and so he unleashed it upon me with full force. 

I am reluctant to believe the pain and hate he let take over and live in his place is all that is left inside. That might be all that is there anymore...all he is, but I struggle to accept he is the shell or monster I've called him even when it’s all he displays.

All I did was love him and try. I get so angry. I was wronged. If anyone should understand the righteous anger caused by injustice and degradation, it should be D.B. who lives as a defense of the wrongs that broke him. But he will not understand me. He doesn’t see me as anything more than the fleeting, self-serving role he chose for me in his life.
 
I do not lack care for his troubles and pain. I do care. I care very much..but I can't fix that. I can't make it all go away for him, or safely force him into the acceptance of reality.  
 

Reality is hard.. and the way he is living blameless is because at one point in time he was not at all to blame.
 

The evil that was done to him was not his fault. It was unjust, it was wrong, he didn't deserve to be subjected to it.. He didn't deserve any of the incidents which dehumanized him. But sadly now he is not taking the wheel.  He is just going along for the ride. And it is a dark, reckless journey collecting numerous causalities.

Victims are not to blame for the damage done to them by a damaged man.
 
It is not fair to anyone. But at the end of the day, regardless of the depth of his struggles and depressing complexities, his words and actions are traumatizing other people. He is doing what was done to him.
 
He is breaking hearts and minds without second thought, because his heart and mind were broken a long time ago. They've lost their ability to function as they should, and they can never relearn if he can't recognize or care about the damaged state he's in.
 
I cannot know or trust that he can feel or care..I cannot grasp how he is in reality because it is so drastically different from the depth my soul is able to feel and the plane of authenticity in which I exist.

The way I felt when he told me about his father, the pain I experienced knowing he was having to deal with that.. It made me go home and cry for him. That pain has nothing on imagining how it must be being him haunts me.

Sometimes I am hopeful that he is a psychopath who cannot feel. Sometimes I hope he is pure evil. As sick as that sounds and likely is, I would rather him not feel than to feel pain.. which I assume is the same line of thinking that he had when he switched off his true self a very long time ago and became the abuser he is now.

All I can do is stay away and try to release the pain and concern I have for him. He likely is going down, and I don't deserve to be taken down with him just because I reached out a hand to help him up. 

I have to turn away, and that goes against everything I am and everything my heart wants to do. I cannot help..He doesn't want help, not on any conscious level.

He will only use the compassion, pity, or love I have for him to manipulate and scar me further. He cannot relate to me, because he doesn't function as a stable, authentic person.. so how would he be able to understand one? He cannot. He doesn't want to. 

He has been running his entire life from situations he created and from the ugly truth he will die denying instead of fighting to improve it. 

He is a lost cause that I am fighting to accept is a lost cause. 

Belief in him will help nothing. I just don't want to keep believing in that beautiful person I saw if reality is that he was never actually there.

I can only run far away and grieve what he did to me, and what I know must have been done to him. I have to move on, and I will. But learning from this will not end anytime soon. Writing about it will last a long as I need it to to get past the deep wounds he left in me while I was trying to help him heal his own.
 
I will take all the time I need to show myself at least half of the consideration, support, and care I offered to him without expecting anything in return but to be treated like I mattered and didn't deserve more suffering.
 
I deserve kindness, even if it is only coming from myself.
If I Could Decide His Fate
The Real Him
Endless Uncertainties
Caring For the Careless