UNEXPECTED HAPPINESS
Sections:
- It’s Up to Me
- Gratitude
- Bad Choices
It's Up to Me
It's freeing to accept responsibility for where I am today. My life is in the state it's in for reasons that cannot be blamed on the world, circumstances, or my past experiences.
I've been slow to accept that many hardships I face are the result of my own actions or inaction. This isn't to blame and shame myself for every single bad thing that's happened, it's to empower myself by acknowledging I choose what direction my life goes in with every decision I make.
I have been living as though I require someone to tell me it is ok for me to think what I think, feel what I feel, and do what I do. I shouldn't feel I need permission or someone to be in control because I'm full of too much self-doubt to take control of myself. I have to. I have to work up to soothing that inner ache on my own. I can think, feel, and decide on my own.
I have blips of self-respect and confidence, but often I float around completely disconnected from myself. I get trapped in a state of existing without being present. This disconnect slows me down by sending my mind back to the troubled parts it's been trying to leave behind. It's up to me to learn how to ground myself.
I'm not as fragile as I once thought. I'm practicing mindfulness more efficiently. I've been able to start reflecting on the impact of my choices instead of blaming or crediting everything around me.
Throughout my life other people's narcissistic behaviors have indeed hurt me, but until more recently I failed to see or fully address how my own defenses hurt me too.
I have tendencies I'm not proud of. Placing full responsibility for my struggles onto another person's behavior is a pretty narcissistic way of thinking.. but sometimes I do just that.
A simple example of me not holding myself accountable would be me blaming stressful situations with men for my dramatic weight gain. I felt wronged (I was at points) and apparently thought me being wronged/getting hurt meant however I responded was out of my control. No ma'am! That is a lazy way of thinking. It's chicken shit.
Me failing to cope in a healthy manner is what got me chunky. I did it to myself. I slept and ate my emotions numb until I couldn't fit into my jeans anymore. Then I noticed the fatter I got the safer from men I felt. I attempted to comfort myself in a way that damaged my physical health. I had control over my choices, yet selected self-destructive ones. That is my fault.
I have the power to choose what I do and don't do. I'd prefer to make choices that don't keep me stagnant or send me careening downhill. I can say yes or no. I can stop or go. I can express my feelings. I can be true to myself. I have the right and the ability to set boundaries. Me forgetting that and handing my power over is wrong, as well as potentially damaging to myself and others.
Having a painful past cannot be a free pass to always be babied. It's nobody's job to take it easy on me or to guide me every step of the way. I can't get stronger if I require specific situations or constant reassurance in order to hold steady.
Regardless of what's going on with work, school, my kid, or men, I need to know that I'll be able to handle it. It is a lot easier to be content when everything is going your way, but I need some inner peace and understanding of who I am no matter how shaky the world around me gets.
It requires a solid sense of self to be able to remain whole when everything around you starts to fall apart. I need to be sturdy, but I cannot become that way if I keep avoiding the appropriate place to ask for help.
I don't think I've even had ten therapy sessions this year (I used to go every other week). I've stopped working in my CPTSD workbooks too. I've been obsessively focusing outward without realizing most of the things I dislike on the outside would look a hell of a lot better if I'd work on the inside first. Failing to attend therapy was an irresponsible and cowardly thing for me to do. I've scheduled an appointment.
In order to move forward there are things I have to change. I don't think I can change core parts of my personality, nor do I want to.. but there are things I can change in regards to how I relate to myself, others, and the world.
We all have our own adversities, but those complications are no excuse to sit back pouting about how unfair life is. Unjust things happen to everyone. Life isn't suddenly going to be fair.. So instead of blaming the world for how hard it is for me to stand steady, maybe I should take a look down at the placement of my own damn feet. If it's not working, I can change my stance so I don't lose balance and topple over.
The world isn't going to morph to fit our individual needs and dreams, I only have control over myself and how I choose to move about it.
In overwhelming distress I sat back and kept on hurting instead of realizing the hurt was being caused by more than outside forces.
I practically opted to keep going along for the painful ride hoping that eventually it would stop on it's own.
I kept waiting for life to have mercy on me. I could've taken control of my role in things and spared myself a lot of unnecessary heartache.
I wasn't helplessly stuck on a ride that was making me too sick to move. I was hanging on for dear life too scared to let go and jump off.
I was too afraid to budge, so I convinced myself it was impossible to move— It wasn't.
It's only impossible to do better if you blame everything but yourself for why things stay bad.
I’m taking responsibility for letting negativity drag out as though I was powerless to make positive changes.
Life has some very tough parts, and that's never going to stop.. but we do have the choice to either adapt or cave. I don't want to resign and whine, I want to fight and smile. 🖤
Gratitude
Life doesn't owe me anything, yet I already have so much. I have a functional body..even if it doesn't look exactly how I want it to. I have my awesome child. I have opportunities, talents, and a place to rest my head at night. I have a heart capable of giving enormous amounts of love. I can see, smell, and touch the world around me. I've survived my lowest point.
None of those things are a given. Not everybody gets a chance to turn things around after going in the wrong direction. Some people never get positive experiences after living through negative ones. I am grateful to be here because I know there are many people who no longer can be.
There's something tremendously fulfilling about cherishing all you have. It makes everything possess more meaning once you recognize you aren't guaranteed or entitled to any of the things you have or long for. I may never be in the healthy relationship I desire, but the fact that I've gone without for so long means I will never take one for granted.
I won't resent life because I don't have everything I want. I can't be dissatisfied with what I've earned as soon as I see other people have earned more. Life isn't a competition. We all matter equally.. regardless of societal status or ranking systems people have in their minds to quell insecurities and preserve toxic pride.
Being utterly miserable and unappreciative for where I am only blinds me to opportunities. Sitting around being sad about goals I haven’t reached yet has only been pushing me even further away from them.
Life is difficult for everyone.. I don't believe it's supposed to be simple or constant fun. To me it's working to be the best version of yourself and living in a way that fulfills you. It's building something meaningful and nourishing it with all you have to give.
I have miserable moments in which I cannot escape the sorrow when I long for companionship and nobody is there. It does make me sad when I reflect on how I'm not exactly where I thought I would be by now. I will admit and validate that. I'll allow myself to feel grief when needed, but I'm trying not to stay stuck in it because I don't want to miss out on all the beautiful things I do have right now. I can cope with the sad bits in therapy or one small pity party at a time, but the positive in my life is worth embracing. I don’t want to miss out on what’s around me and neglect the people in my life by staying overly wrapped up in my own head.
It's very weird to say that I'm happy where I'm at, even though there's somewhere else I want to end up. But it's true. Things can still get pretty confusing, but I'm starting to believe again. I'm wanting to hug the world even more than I did before my time with D.B. because being in that type of relationship reminded me of all the ugliness and pain others can cause us.. The harsh reality of some aspects of life makes me appreciate the good ones that much more.
I'm grateful that I am holding on because not too long ago I was completely ready to let go. I'm not anymore. I'm aware that I may get sucked back into that painful state from time to time.. but that doesn't change the inner peace I feel this very second.
It’s remarkable coming out on the other side after you've reached rock bottom. All the hopelessness I have felt makes me appreciate the hope I have now more than I ever could've if I had not been forced to live without it.
Everything I adore could get ripped away in an instant, so I won't forget to hold on tight and soak up the moments with those who mean the most to me.
Knowing my world could be shattered by hate makes me deeply appreciative of how whole it feels right now.
Bad Choices
In my early twenties I was in a relationship with a volatile man for a few years. We lived together. I cared about him a lot, but the way he treated me left me so far gone, scared, and hurt. I didn’t leave him until after someone new befriended me at work. Guess I thought I had to be saved. 🤦🏻♀️
The manager that hired me to work at the restaurant stepped into my life and started comforting me right away. I had slightly visible swelling on one side of my face at the time of my interview.
I began to cry as soon as this manager said he could tell something was wrong. He hired me on the spot and advised me to get out of the apartment I shared with my boyfriend ASAP.
He spoke kindly with
me throughout my grandmother's illness and death. I ended my abusive
relationship and moved back in with my parents at his urging.
He and I spoke a lot. We also exchanged a
little marble notebook back and forth every day at work. I'd write and draw in
it, then bring it in the next day so he could write and draw back to me..and on
and on. We mostly wrote about serious things and feelings.
We were supposed to take it slow. I would not kiss him. My thoughts were either numb or caught up in make believe. One day as we were grabbing something from the cooler he said he really wished he could kiss me. That wasn’t going to happen, so.. I gifted him a thimble the next day at work (look up a kiss in Peter
Pan if you don't get it)
I spoke on the phone
with my new friend. I felt seen, wanted, freed. (I was being
love-bombed.)
Many
people told me he was such a sweet guy. He even had a baby face to go along
with the charm.
Anyway.. I hadn’t left my abuser until this man 'rescued' me. Then I practically jumped straight into
something romantic with my 'hero.' Jumping in with him was easier once my abuser chose to lash out over rumors instead of giving me the space we’d agreed upon. He thought I was trash, so I went ahead and threw myself out of his life.
I went from hell to what I thought was going to be heaven. The problem here…other than the manager clearly being predatory, was that
I JUMPED RIGHT IN before healing. I was careless.
I couldn't see I was being targeted even after
a female coworker warned me. I had already bonded
with him by the time she told me how he ..well.. I wasn't his first conquest.
Regardless, I let him fool me. There were multiple reasons I
should've slowed down.
I chose poorly. I was
impulsive. I was a fool. I didn't go to counseling after leaving the initial
abuser. I NEEDED TO. I didn't face it or work through the trauma of how much
hell I endured living with that hostile, unpredictable man. I'd actually never been to legitimate therapy before at that point. I didn't know anything about abuse dynamics or
understand my issues from childhood either. I didn’t know. I should have said no to getting to know a new man. I should have been smart and focused on recovering.
I numbed myself with the idealized love story my new
friend fabricated. I gave my attention to that because I just wanted to feel
something that was hopeful after feeling nothing but terror and doom. Sound
familiar.?. like a pattern of mine? Yes. I know. So naïve, needy, and insecure.
No matter how much compassion I feel for the weak, hurting mess I was, I
still made bad choices. I didn't have to be so reckless. I could’ve done better.
I was an oblivious 22
year old escaping one abuser to jump directly into the arms of another.
Well, I wasn't in his arms until after we moved in together..that's a whole
other story. I then got pregnant within a month of us officially dating. So, no recovery time.. just went straight from abuse to motherhood. I stayed with him because I was scared and ashamed to be a single, pregnant woman. I left him right after I had the baby.. because by that point it was clear he wasn’t safe to be around. It is what it is. I still wouldn’t change a thing, I love my child.
So yeah.. the 'rescuer' from my first abuser is the father of my child. He's
not in our lives. He's in prison. or Jail? Or maybe he's out on probation
again. I don't know. He's a felon and convicted sex offender for rape and video
voyeurism. So you would think after THAT bombshell discovery.. or perhaps the
one where I found out he had a wife and children in a different state..
The
point is, you would think that I would've known better than to rush into
any relationship eight years down the road when I met D.B., right?!?? Ughhhhh.
Nope.. I still took risk I shouldn't have. I grew a lot as a person within that
span of time, but my impulsivity and unresolved trauma remained the exact
same.
I met D.B. and did the
same thing I did with the men from all the years before. I took him at his word
and I went all in.. Only this time when I fell in love I chose to love too. I thought we were going to have the future he spoke of. I was ready to commit to forever with him. He wasn't a rebound taking me away from a monster. He was..a fresh start, hope, someone to learn, love, and be loved by. I thought
it was going to be my first healthy relationship. I thought he was going to be
the man he claimed he was.
I put myself in a
position to be hurt, and although I didn't deserve what he did or make him do
it.. if I had put myself elsewhere and not taken such big risks... I could've
avoided it. I wasn't mindful. I was hopeful and giddy. I was ready to love. I
made poor choices, and I've been paying for them. That hurt will always be there.
When I met my ex I knew
I only wanted a real relationship. I knew what was normal and what wasn't. But
when I went on that first date/ walk around campus and he started being very
intense.. talking about a future and my kid before we even really got to know
each other I felt the discomfort in my body at first. But instead
of accepting I was uncomfortable because of the situation I assumed I was uncomfortable because of myself. He helped me feel comfortable very quickly after I pushed those initial fears aside. I was so high on his kind words and undivided attention that I ended up feeling safe and totally open that night.
I could’ve taken the warning signs as just that instead of dismissing them in favor of something else. I was stupid. I didn’t even make him prove himself to me. I just.. believed him. That’s my fault.
It's quite interesting
that when I need to look on the outside I look inward, and when I need to look
inward I look outward. Holy crap.
Oh, and THEN more recently..
I've made a lot of really big mistakes. I've done things
I'm not proud of. I have disassociated and clung to ideas and/or fantasies instead
of facing parts of reality that hurt. I can't keep doing that.
At this moment I'm trying to focus
on healthier things now that I know no man in my life wants me. My ex doesn't want a future and is fully committed to his fear of
commitment. See what I did there ? ;) Ha.
Then the man I had a big fat crush
on never wanted to pursue anything meaningful with me. He wants someone(s) else, not me. Obviously my disappointment wasn't all his doing. The truth is, I
don't talk to many people (which is my fault and nobody else's problem). Thus,
when I was talking to someone frequently and we kept flirting I started gradually
feeling closer to him. When I learned that the feelings weren't mutual it was
confusing and the rejection sucked.
Basically, I came to the realization that he has so many friends that talking to me every day was probably never anything special or interesting to him. That's not a bad thing, we are simply very different people. I tend to keep people out.. So having someone ask me how I'm doing on a regular basis, apologize when they make mistakes, and forgive me when I mess up were all things I liked. I was incredibly thankful for the kindness and interactions he provided because I don't have much of that in my life. I’m lonesome and not used to men sticking around once things get messy. He stuck around, mostly. So yes. Hopefully that can explain why I cared. I should’ve handled myself differently. At least he has become my good friend. That’s a great thing too.