Well..

What's next?
 

So, you all know how the crush stuff didn't exactly work out. Y'all also know my relationship with my ex has never been healthy or reliable.
 

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how certain revelations showed me I'd basically fooled myself into thinking there was more than there ever was.
 

I was hurt and struggled to process the change in how I viewed reality of the situation between myself and M. That sort of thing overwhelms and knocks me off balance. I'm still wobbling around. Ha
 

I made an unhealthy choice and reached out to my ex for comfort. I call it unhealthy for a few reasons you can likely already guess—
 

First off, my relationship with D.B. was traumatizing. Secondly, I don't think he cares about me- either because he cannot or does not want to. Lastly, because the cycle has repeated at least 12 times at this point and it always ends the same way. I start slipping into denial and hoping maybe he cares, then he abandons me in a way that shows he doesn't. He ditches me as soon as I begin to think I may be wrong about things. As soon as I start to think “maybe we could...” As soon as I start to feel again.
 

With the former crush I discovered I'm not even his type physically. Which is fine, but then he started asking me if I was "out." It seems like he can't fully understand why I feel differently than I did before all the recent stuff took place (on top of everything else over this past year.) I'm just tired of being confused and feeling unwanted.
 

Of course finding out he was dishonest, chose someone over me, and physically desires what I cannot provide is going to change some of my feelings and how much of my guard is thrown back up. I've let enough men hurt me already, some in ways I'm still paying for. 
 

Of course I will feel more confused and experience a stronger urge to protect myself from another man who refuses to offer clarity and a sense of stability. Another man who acted like wanting and considering me was too hard to do. I thought he didn't even like me that way anymore, so why would I expect him to become jealous or act like he still wants me to want him? I don't understand.
 

I want to be safe with someone.. not hanging on hoping they'll eventually care about me enough to commit to treating me right. I need loyalty, consideration, honesty and passion. 
 

Since my last post my ex has remained nice. Technically he hasn't said anything mean. But you guys know how this old story goes. He's ignoring my messages. So I'm not sending them first anymore. He's not texting me or trying to call. He's not asking about my days or sharing details about his. That's ok. I will get over it.
 

I get it. I don't matter much to him. That is what always hurt the most while we dated.. Being treated like I didn't matter at all...or like I was only there when he was in the mood for my attention. The neglect and dismissal always hurt so badly. To feel invisible to someone who had my undivided attention kept my heart breaking while I was constantly trying to protect and nourish his.
  

I feel like inconsistencies are dragging me down, but I don't have anyone else to care for this way. Also, I wonder.. what if they really are just struggling and they do care about me somehow?? I wonder if maybe M. really does want to be my friend, and D.B. really does love me. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

This all sounds familiar, doesn't it? Gosh darn!
 

I am single, yet feeling emotionally entangled in painful cycles. Often left stressed, confused, and feeling small. I need to work on my issues that make me hang on to this sort of thing. Why can't I just say no more to situations that hurt my head and heart?
 

Why do I fight to hang onto people who seem to find it so easy to let me go??
 

My care is real, but after getting hurt badly enough by someone repeatedly I become too afraid to nurture it in the meaningful ways I did before. It would take me time to open back up that much again.
 

Time for another therapy session. Pronto!
 

Wish me luck guys. I've gone and gotten caught up in the same type of chaotic stuff that makes me break down. I'm still not back to who I was before, but I'm destroying my progress one bad choice at a time. It's time I start making better ones again.
 

I don't blame the former 'love of my life’ nor my former crush and current friend.. I blame myself. I have the power to choose to respond to situations in a more productive way. In fact, I have the power to remove myself from situations or relationships that hurt me.
 

So yes. I am holding myself accountable for the heartaches and headache I am experiencing today.
  

Help me? Hug me?? 🥺 Ha.. I will be ok. I will help myself. I've worked through worse. But if I keep putting myself in toxic situations that are bad for me.. I'm gonna smack myself!! Hells bells. I won't give up on me over this.. but I won't lie and say I'm not currently incredibly tired and annoyed with myself.