WHAT ARE YOU?
Sections:
- Intro
- Three Versions of D.B.
1. The Psychopath
2. The Narcissist Without Severe ASPD
3. Who He Claimed to Be
My Cognitive Dissonance:
— Endless What-ifs
— The Real Him
— Refusing to Provide Closure
— Who Are You?
I know that labeling his disorder(s) isn't the most important part of this experience..but there is a reason I'm fond of labeling the type of abuse and the disorder(s) he likely has. I don't assign a title to degrade him with technical terms.
Psychopath and narcissist are labels people often used to casually call someone they are angry with crazy or bad. I speak of these disorders and labels in a literal sense. If I want to call him names, it will not be the name of disorder I use.. Not angrily at least.
I can’t deny how useful it would be to know if he is a psychopath/sociopath. All indicators point to -YES..but, there is so much cross-over among the Cluster-B Personality Disorders. Which once more, maybe shouldn't matter..but it does to me.
It will be a question that irks me, and I'll never get my answer. He called himself a psychopath. I know he is highly narcissistic. All psychopaths are also narcissists, it is the core of the personality disorder.. but you know who else is a narcissist? Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and potentially some individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder too.
So why does it matter?
When a normal relationship fails you still know what that relationship was.. With D.B, I won't ever know for sure. I don't know if on that first date he knew he had no interest in me or the future he spoke of. I don't know if it was all 100% a con and he just used me for sex, attention, image, ego, and sadism. Can you see how for the partner of the abuser this could make a difference??
To know if the person you loved was fully aware that they were just using you and playing a game since day one, OR to know if the person you loved thought they wanted you initially, but then caved to their deeper compulsive need for power, self-protection, and self-fulfillment.
Either way I was used, abused, betrayed and traumatized. But one betrayal is sadly even worse than the other.
With D.B. I have had to try to figure out what the reality of our relationship was.
I have to consider two realities of who he is, and both versions are dark. Then there is a third version, the one he claimed to be, which I don't believe in anymore.. but I'll still write it out here as Version 3.
It isn't alright for someone to alter your reality. It's a pretty awful con, and it is a serious form of abuse. Convincing someone that something false is real to get what you want is a massive betrayal.
Living a lie and enforcing it as truth is despicable. It makes the severity of the abuse much worse. It isn't ok to make someone fall in love with a character you are pretending to be.. It is profoundly cruel. It is violating and dehumanizing on so many levels. It is an abusive, degrading and evil action.
With D.B. I have had to try to figure out what the reality of our relationship was.
VERSION 1
D.B. the Psychopath
He never had any interest in a relationship with me. He never had any interest in me other than what he wanted from me. On our first date, he didn't mean a single word he said. It was just a mission/game, and the objective was to get whatever it was he was after- Sex, and the attention from a woman he thought he could brag about, or who could make him look like more of a badass.
That wasn't difficult for him, because when he wants something he makes sure he gets it. He has the ability to put freakish focus on whatever it is he wants, and masters all that is necessary to achieve his goal. Sadly, all his goals are fueled by hatred and narcissism. He is on the hunt, and after the target is acquired he's not going to miss(or lose, since everything is a game to him).
After he gets what he's after, his focus simply shifts elsewhere because once he’s achieved his initial goal everything that enticed him fades into something dull. And his empty, restless, bored inner self isn't pumped full of a rush of adrenaline..He is no longer distracted enough to be 'satisfied.'
He never cared if he was hurting me. He never viewed me as his girlfriend, he just gave me the title to gain access to manipulating me and getting into my pants. He was seeing other women, before and during. IT WAS ALL A LIE.
He never even thought he 'liked me.' But heartlessly led me on with declarations of a committed love, talks of marriage, and his multiple attempts to convince me to have a baby, immediately. He knew he would crush me, but didn't hesitate because he almost always enjoyed doing so.
The excitement of doing wrong, the power in being cleverly deceptive, intense pain and damage. His ego grew in size and overtook him as he felt a disturbed sense of pride and pleasure due to the fact that he was strong and superior enough to cause me such horrendous misery.
After I stuck around long enough, and didn't let him go easily each time he'd rip my heart out..he decided to bring me around his family. He was having his mini midlife crisis and needed a home-base woman. Someone to make him have 'normal', enable him, and have babies..
Someone to control long-term while he continued whatever he wanted to do-messing around with many other ladies- while gaslighting and controlling me so I would remain weakened and completely oblivious to what was really going on.
He knew I was well-spoken, pretty, and likable. I got along with his family and made him look better..more grown up, more genuine, more of a man than he really is. He never had me around out of love and devotion..but for himself..and the satisfaction that control and doing wrong provides him with. He revels in the thrill of doing what he knows he shouldn't do. (He told me that much a few times before) So while I thought we were in a committed relationship with a future, he was screwing around with other girls and doing whatever the hell he wanted with no intention of obtaining all he claimed he was after with me. He knew exactly what he had to say and the bare minimum of what he had do to make me believe in him. He made sure to do so in order to keep me around for whenever he decided he was in the mood for me.
When he wasn't interested in me he simply wouldn't talk to me.. But he wouldn't just not talk, and then I’d stupidly fail to take the hint. NO. Instead he would make up believable excuses to play on my care for him.
He took advantage of my willingness to make selfless sacrifices at my own expense in an attempt to provide him with whatever he was claiming to be in need of. He took advantage of my gigantic heart just because I let my guard down and opened it to him. By yanking my tender heart around, he kept me desperately trying to provide and care for him.. By getting me to believe in the wounded version of himself who just needed someone to stand by him. He knew I wouldn't abandon someone I adored and who 'needed me.' He knew I wanted to be there for him and protect him from pain.
So he said just enough to keep me caring and waiting for him— That way I'd remain an option for him, even though he made sure he was the only choice I had.
The amount of damaging stress and severe pain I endured as I was entrapped in his never-ending chaotic limbo, meant absolutely nothing to him.
He thought it was hilarious that I was so ‘clueless’ As if I should’ve suspected he was not as human beings should be. As if I should have had to mistrust him and be paranoid..
He took my trust, kindness, and loyalty, and looked down on it as if it were a moronic that I failed to expect the absolute worst out of him. He thought I was less than him because I couldn’t see how horrible he was..
He thinks I’m stupid for not living in the paranoid, heartless, purposeless landscape in which his mind resides.
I shouldn’t have had to suspect he was evil. I made my mistake. I can prevent this in the future..but I should not have to live terrified that all men are actually heartless creatures in disguise.
He got off on the thought of taking advantage of me. It was thrilling for him to do such wrong. The fact that he and all his darkness could be with someone with such a pure, enormous heart and love for him- was very stimulating.
His knowledge that I had been celibate for nearly eight years, that I had only dated two men and that I was 'good girl' was a highly rewarding opportunity for him to defile something light, good, and pure. Probably the best option he has ever been presented with to destroy all that opposes him— goodness, righteousness, and love. Me.
He got turned on by the fact that I had no idea who he really was, or that I was being completely degraded-dehumanized..utilized like an object by someone I trusted and offered all of myself to emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
TMI? sorry have to- because him being a unacceptably perverse plays a big role in his depravity. The perverse aspect ties more so into power..The power to trick, to use, to make 'something' so clean become filthy. That's what got him off.
That is the ultimate 'no no' and he enjoys nothing more than doing something he knows he shouldn't. It excites and thrills him. Lying and saying he wants forever with me to gain all my love just so he can try to impregnate and trap me was something exciting for him.
And yes, he made it clear he wanted me pregnant more than once. Exploiting me passed his miserable time and gave his existence more meaning then it has when he is not destroying others..because he himself IS existing as nothing. He can't sit still because to be alone isn't to just be alone, it is to become restless with his discomfort of being absolutely nothing but walking damage and chaos.
He can't be alone with himself and the boredom that stems from him being a shell of a human being. So he fills his time with many 'things' and I was just one of them. My big reactions were highly amusing and reassuring to his superiority and power. He was able to hurt me, break me down, traumatize me and trigger past traumas. HE HAD POWER.
He could feel bigger and better.
At the end of the day, since he only lives moment to moment..that power is precious. That is all he can hold onto in order to believe he exists-to feel something. A small ping of something and believing how broken his mind is gives him an advantage or makes him stronger and better than everyone else..That insanity and sadism helps him keep lying to himself.. For him it’s much better than existing with the numb nothingness that he is at the core.
The thrill, the chase, the win..things..that is all he has..Things to fill and pass the time, because there is nothing there.. He is alive, but he is even more so dead. Inside he is empty.
The only times he feels full or is able to feel anything is when the few emotions/reactions he capable of experiencing-anger, contempt, adrenaline, delight in someone else’s pain .. He has to trigger those few parts of himself that are almost alive anyway he can.
Who gets hurt is of zero consequence because he doesn't view people as people.. Very likely because he exists as practically not a person.
As an inhumane human, how could he relate and understand others? We are just side characters in his show.. His delusional, sadistic, mentally disordered, self-serving game..one that doesn't exist. Yet he prides himself on winning a dark fantasy that only lives inside his own mind. He truly is all alone.
He is broken. He is the closest to evil a man can get. He has no heart. To feel that black stone within his chest beat like a heart, he had to rip mine out. So he did, repeatedly.. All for the rush my pain provided him with as he twisted it into validation of his worth, power, and supremacy.
He was enraptured by what he made the worst interpersonal experience of my life. An experience he openly mocks, minimizes, and worsens every instance in which the opportunity arises. He violated and shattered my mind and spirit with ease.
To abusers like him, destroying you is no challenge, because they do not see you as who you are.
They see you as so much less than, and you get treated accordingly.
You get treated like nothing, and when you speak up and claim to be more, it incites their rage and further degradation.
You are not allowed to matter or posses dignity and rights. You are only allowed to be what they say you are, and to serve the purpose they've chosen you have.
After I stuck around long enough, and didn't let him go easily each time he'd rip my heart out..he decided to bring me around his family. He was having his mini midlife crisis and needed a home-base woman. Someone to make him have 'normal', enable him, and have babies..
The amount of damaging stress and severe pain I endured as I was entrapped in his never-ending chaotic limbo, meant absolutely nothing to him.
He is broken. He is the closest to evil a man can get. He has no heart. To feel that black stone within his chest beat like a heart, he had to rip mine out. So he did, repeatedly..
You get treated like nothing, and when you speak up and claim to be more, it incites their rage and further degradation.
To do what he did to someone he knew kept to herself her entire life.
To do what he did to someone he knew was afraid, kind, loyal, cautious, hopeful and trusting.
To take what he did from me, to betray me the way he did.
For him to trick and hurt me when he knew how careful I had been and how monumental it was for me to be opening my heart again.
To do what he did while he knew how much I appreciated the smallest of things because of how little I'd been given in romantic relationships from my past.
To use me when he knew I had been deeply wounded from being used before, and I'd stayed alone for nearly a decade due to the damage that nightmare caused.
For him to have the heart (more likely a void) to dehumanize, degrade, and destroy me in such a manner.. It just reflects that he is nothing. He very likely has no conscience and is indeed, suffering from ASPD.
He is no man. He is something else entirely, something that should be kept away from all that is good.. actually, away from all that is alive because nobody deserves to be treated the way he treats others.
He crushed me when all I did was try to build him up. I was nothing but kind to him, but he convinced me I was a selfish, crazy, worthless loser. I suppose that was more of his projections..
He lives as nothing. I don't know if nothing can be aware of itself.. if there is no self. I pray if he is not responsible for all of the evil he does and that God will have mercy on him. He may not believe in God..this all made me feel cut off from the concept, but everyone dies one day..then what is he going to do?..I guess he is arrogant enough to think that day will never come.
I don't know if he thinks much about anything other than how to swindle what he wants from people at any cost to the target, just to enjoy whatever moment he is in. He is empty, he is horrible. He is nothing, but he knew at one point he was everything to me; that's how he was able to take all he did. I loved, trusted, and believed in a man who lives as a monster.
D.B. the Narcissist without Severe ASPD
He was excited about getting with me. His intentions were not necessarily malicious at the start, but they were utterly selfish and shallow. He wanted what he wanted, and he did whatever he had to do to get it without consideration or care for the impact it would have on me...anindividual with rights, feelings, and her own story/ personhood.
He was infatuated, mostly with the benefits he thought being involved with me would provide. I fixed myself up, looked attractive, walked with confidence and responded to his advances. He found it appealingly convenient that I was naively accepting of all he said about himself and his intentions. He said all the things he thought I wanted to hear. He read me perfectly, and his manipulative words worked like a charm.
He presented himself as someone who would have been perfectly compatible with me..The problem was, that who he really is didn't match up with the fantasy version of himself he advertised in order to catch my attention and earn my affections. He claimed to be all the things he had observed I was.
He claimed to be compassionate, selfless, talkative, invested, honest, emotionally vulnerable and available. He stated he had intentions for a serious relationship with a potential to grow into something long-term and meaningful.
He expressed his shock and awe with having met someone like me, who was perfectly compatible with him. He made sure I felt like the center of his world. It was powerful.
It was a stimulating conquest for him. He was impressed with himself for being able to 'get' someone like me..or someone like the idea of me he had. But then once he 'won' and caught what he was chasing..All he could focus on was how it wasn't what he thought he was after. It wasn't enough, and the thought of trying to catch me transitioned into him feeling.
HE had been caught and was stuck. He didn't want to admit he wasn't after more than the surface of who I am. He only wanted what he enjoyed, what was fun, new and something he could boast about.
So he neglected me and became outraged when I complained about the pain and confusion his sudden disinterest and lack of communication was causing.
He saw nothing in it for him majority of the time. He was incapable of seeing me as an individual with her own admirable qualities, dreams, philosophies, gifts, and worth.
He only saw me when he felt like looking.
But when I asked to be seen, he viewed it as an attack and a clingy, obnoxious, and disrespectful overstep of his boundaries.
Instead of him reflecting on how he had made a mistake, misled me, treated me poorly-he chose to focus on himself and how everything I did was unfair to him and revolving around him one way or another. I quickly became no longer desirable, nor was I a coveted possession to collect.
He broke down my walls and pretended to be what he had to be to get me to fall hard and become fully devoted to him alone. By doing whatever he felt would provide the best outcome for himself, he received my endless kindness and support. Still, nothing good I did mattered long...
He knew there was always an ulterior motive behind all feelings and thoughts I shared. He knew I MUST have an angle..everyone does. He always has one..He is never simply himself without goals(games to win) So everything I did he decided was a move in a game as well.
I would share my feelings, care, and be myself. He hated it.
He didn't care, or couldn't see how shocking, confusing, and painful it was for me to go from this woman he was thrilled to be with and couldn't wait to get to know more, to someone he accused of horrible shady things and acted like he couldn't stand.
He went from heavy pursuit, to missing in action almost immediately.
He then began to resent me. I was annoying, crazy, clueless, selfish, manipulative and weak. Oh how he projected his own character flaws onto me. He disliked so much about me that wasn't me at all. He decided that the entire relationship, the negativity, the stressful expectations to be a good partner..it was all MY FAULT.
Suddenly, everything bad he felt from anger, to boredom and shame was all my doing. He decided I was definitely dragging him down with all my needs and 'unpredictable outbursts.' Never once did he see that my 'outbursts' coincided with his abusive and neglectful episodes/horrible mistreatment of me.
Never once did he care or believe he was the cause of ALL of the problems and pain I was experiencing.
Yet he quickly assigned responsibility for all of his inner rage to me.
Poor baby, he was just so stressed, had so much going on, and couldn't take too big of steps yet..you had to be careful with him..and praise those baby steps he was taking or claiming he'd soon try to take..
And if you asked for 'too much' he would make sure to remind you of his fragility and of your own selfishness for not being more careful with him(for expecting him to behave with integrity and put forth effort for someone other than himself.)
Excuses, excuses, excuses. Don't push him too much.. Don’t expect basic things, like respect, consideration, effort, and honesty.
He will twist it into something bad you are doing to him.. Gaslight, twist and reframe, deflect, shift blame and crazy make until he is left alone to do whatever the hell it is he felt like doing in the first place.
He makes sure he gets to do what he wants to or thinks he should have to do. He pushes and harms you to make sure what he wants to happen is the only thing allowed to happen.
He controls. He abuses. He abandons, blames, and fabricates a story in which he looks like a better man than he ever was.
He 'won,' he won himself distracted moments to kill time as he rushes towards his inevitable demise. His fate is as dark and empty as the space that occupies where his soul should be..where I suppose it once was, before his issues snuffed it out and he became those issues instead of the beautiful human being he could've been.
He doesn't care. To care is foolish, to think this intensely is insane..everything he knows he is not, he hates and belittles..how else would he be able to live with himself? If only he realized, he hates good and meaningful things because he is repulsed by all he is not.
He cannot be saved, so he acts like it is you who needs to be rescued by him. He is strong, he is sane, he will one day get all the amazing things he feels he deserves.
He believes he is smart and special enough to get wonderful things whilst giving nothing but negativity and horror to others. ..the entitlement, the delusion, the sadness, the waste of all he could be..it is heartbreaking..it is no longer my problem. I care, but not enough to let him abuse me anymore.
One day he will know. Sadly, that karma he is afraid of, is himself. He will destroy himself. Honestly, gauging by how he has treated me, he already has. He is ruined. He put no effort into building character, self-growth, and integrity. He just puts effort into distractions and excuses for all the evil he has done and will do.
When reality quickly revealed that I was a flawed person like everyone else, and that I actually expected him to be all he had represented himself as in the very beginning. When we became an item he immediately cut me off emotionally. He gave me no attention, because he didn't feel like it. He wasn't 'after me' anymore..There was nothing to win anymore, nothing exciting in it for HIM.
My other blog post, Inside the Narcissist’s Mind, is who I think he is, mostly..but it may give him too much credit, in regards to his ability to feel anything.
Who He Claimed to Be
He thinks I won't love the truth, so he denies me the chance to know it. He can't handle when I see the bad, but continue to love him anyway. He hates how much I care.
He struggles. His childhood and his time in the Marines have messed with his head and his ability to relate to others../his ability to love in a healthy manner.
He wants to do better. He is trying to work on his issues because he realizes that he is getting too old to keep chasing nothing. He is tired of being alone and miserable. He is tired of failing and being broken.
When we held our first real conversation, happened to coincide with a tragedy within his own life-his father's suicide. I was a positive and unforeseen event in his life..a sign of hope and something good to distract him from the bad.
When I checked on him after class that day he was at his a low point, it lifted his spirits and flattered him. He said "It made my heart smile." He told his mother the prettiest girl in school had cared how he was doing.
He was excited, conflicted with all the other uncertainty and darkness in his life..but he was enamored with getting to know me. He was energized when we exchanged numbers. Shortly after that and one session at the public library to complete our math assignments together, he and I had a six hour phone call which he called a phone-date. During that call he wanted to know EVERYTHING about me, he was so surprised with how we were hitting it off and just wanted more.
He could not get enough!
He was proud of himself for getting a chance with me. We spent so many hours together on that date walking around campus alone all night talking and kissing.
He was infatuated, overwhelmed and completely ready for us! He could not wait to know everything about me, he adored me, he saw potential for something he never thought he'd have. He couldn't believe someone like me would be interested and so incredible. He let me know how wonderful he thought I was and that he wanted to be with me. He wanted to get involved and see if this thing could last and eventually turn into forever.
The timing was awful, but he knew he wanted this! He was determined to make it work, he was ready, and ALL IN. With the strict phase-one lock down we couldn't see each other..we had had that phone date and the incredible date in which we became a couple..but suddenly, he had no interest in another long conversation.
He didn't have it on his mind or in his agenda to romance me, and to continue at the rapid speed in which he started and claimed he'd maintain. He was stressed, afraid, angry. Discovering his father one month prior, living with his devastated mother, school-his social outlet being taken away, such uncertain times. He became full of anger, exhaustion, and disinterest.
All he had to do was tell me. Tell me how he was feeling and what he was thinking. All he had to do was communicate, and we could have worked it out.
But he couldn't communicate what he didn't fully understand or know how to deal with. He was used to doing everything alone, life had always been hard for him. He trusted no one, and knew he only ever had bad outcomes and pain.. But he kept that hidden. He didn't let me know. I barely knew him really. But I trusted him.
He couldn't consider how it was coming across to me, how it was hurting and shocking me for him to suddenly be acting unsure whilst claiming he was certain and that I was just imagining problems.
He didn't want to be vulnerable. It had always been so hard for him to function, so overwhelmingly heavy and complicated. Nobody has ever understood how bad it gets inside that head of his..but by not sharing, nobody could ever have the opportunity to truly know HIM or understand his mind, needs..his struggles..
So when I wanted to know, wanted to be there for him, care for him, accept him..it became a source of animosity towards me. He felt picked at and too exposed. He felt my desire to love and know him was violating his right to hide..
Hiding is how he has always lived, he had no plan to change it..he only dreamt of changing it on that first date because part of him knew it was for the best and could be amazing.. but to actually go through with it..that would take not only hard work, but deeply painful discoveries, acceptance, and change.
He had been hurting, he didn't want to face it anymore. All I wanted was to enjoy him, help him, support him, and know him.. but that became something that added stress because it threatened all he had, his walls..
His walls that were so thick and tall that it is no wonder through the years he began to only see himself. If he lets nobody in, he is all he is seeing behind the walls where the real him lives..He became narcissistic out of fear, anguish and anger..he needed to push everyone far away from himself.
Sadly, even behind those dysfunctional walls, brief moments of clarity would slip in the tiniest cracks and shine. For a moment, a fleeting moment, he would want more.
He would see the hope for better, the goodness he could have in his life..He would want me again, someone with him behind those dark walls. But as quickly as that light shone through, he'd find a shadow to retreat into.
He began to feel contempt for me because my pure love and devotion..
My joy and hope..
My ability to feel and reflect deeply..
All of it only reminded him of all the emptiness he felt.. The lack of love, loyalty, and hope he had.
My beautiful spirit made him feel uglier and uglier the more it exposed itself to him. He blamed me for him feeling dark. He blamed me for being miserable. He blamed me for irritating him even though I was doing nothing wrong.
He became repulsed by all I am because it is all he's not.
He must convince himself he is who it is he wants to believe his is.. No matter how much it bends or completely defies the truth. He needs to do what is best for him..he just needs each moment to be bearable.
And lying to himself to the point of possible delusion is the only way he knows how to do it..it has likely become and automatic response.
He is alone. He isn't even him. He is his misery. And he will say sorry to me just so he can do it all over again.
He wants to try, he wants better..but he just caves each time. He has breakthroughs and moments of clarity. He states all of the above and owns it..He says he will make changes and that he's sincere..Yet, when he messes up he won't forgive himself or let others forgive him..instead he will hate himself more for each mistake but pour that hate out onto others who tried to constructively address his harmful errors.
He unleashes all that regret, shame, rage and anger onto me me for making him see himself for what he has become..
because my immense pain reflects the disturbingly cruel wrong he did to me..
And that is a reflection he doesn't want to see..He can't see it.
I would’ve willingly looked at that darkened, confusing reflection without disgust or hate for the rest of my life..but he couldn’t stand the sight of me anymore because it brought him too close to seeing his real self.
He is sorry deep down. He knows what he has done wasn't right. There is some regret. He knows what he is. And he loves me— at least, the way he is able to understand and experience love. He loved me in an unhealthy way, but in a way that was still real for him.
I believed he would always be difficult and troubled, but each time he came back I was still holding on. I was still trying to stand by him, willingly offering all I could of myself to help build up the man who had happily broken me down into nothing- and was about to do it again. I'm fixing whatever it is broken within me to make sure I'm never willing to stand by a person who can treat me like this again.