I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.😂 You guys had to have seen that coming...

• What I Want Right Now

• Relationship Goals

• My Dream Man!

• The Trouble with Wanting More

• Will I Date?

• Dating Experience 

• Goals to Protect Myself 

What I Want Right Now

I want a hug. Ha. But other than that..I want to be a wonderful mother for my son, be a good student, and do things that make me happy. I want to laugh, find new hobbies and get back into some old ones. I want to get back into a routine I'm comfortable with. I want to continue trying my best. I want to avoid bringing others down. What I really want right now is to smile and be alright. 

For now, I really just want to be myself without feeling shamed or stifled by anyone else. I want to say what I have to say. Cheesy jokes, serious thoughts, and random ones too! I want to speak my mind, even if somebody else would rather I not have one of my own. I don't want to keep quiet just because memories of others unpredictably shaming and attacking me for sharing my thoughts is seared into my psyche.

I want to be free to exist as I am without feeling that doing so is a burden and annoyance to the world. I want to be however intense, sentimental, silly, crude, emotional, curious, pissy, weird and loving as I want to be!

I want to keep reminding myself to appreciate who I am until I start doing it automatically. I write about when I'm proud of myself and why because I need to. I need to do all I can to drill something positive about myself into my mind in order to replace or balance out the vast amount of negativity I feel towards myself. I'm hyping myself up! haha. Doing that usually helps me remember that I'm worth something, even if someone I made my everything treated me like I was absolutely nothing.

Ok..I want to make a list now. Dang! Contain your shock as best as you can

ADD + Blogging = ..Yup & wait, what about_
 

• My son to be happy and healthy

• Start working out again, it felt so good. Now the thought of it is intimidating!

• Do great in my classes.

• Continue practicing mindfulness until I actually figure out what the hell I'm doing. 

• Take control of what I have the ability to control, and take deep breaths as I let go of all the things I cannot. 

• Get back into my art.

• Learn how to play the cello, finally!

• Balance my desire to meet people with what I can realistically tolerate.

Relationship Goals

I’ve never exactly organized my thoughts on what expectations and hopes I have for a relationship.🤔 I'm going for it. Writing like this really relaxes me. It's surprising and neat that some of you find it entertaining. Then again, I'd enjoy reading someone's unfiltered thoughts too! 

What I'd want a relationship to provide for my partner:

• An incredible friend
  

• Somewhere to rest when he’s exhausted.  

• A safe place to let his guard down after a long day of being out in the harsh world.
• Someone he can rely on.

• Encouragement  

• Acceptance and compassion 

• Company and attention 

• Laughter and enjoyment
  

• Satisfaction (not just physical)  

• Whatever he wants that is productive and something I’m capable of providing. 

• Basically, a positive impact on his overall wellbeing.
  

• If the relationship is healthy, and we both decide to make it permanent, I’d love to give him a family. 

My Dream Man!

HE WOULD NOT:

• Change himself for me. In my opinion- It’s great if a loved one inspires you to do better in some areas, but I feel changing core parts of yourself or your routine behaviors should only be done if you yourself decide it is what you want and feel is best for the life you wish to live.
    

• Intentionally harm me emotionally or physically.
   

• Be consistently petty, selfish, or obnoxiously prideful.
   

• Push me to do things that make me feel very uncomfortable.
   

• Ignore me.
   

• Tell me to know my place as a woman.
   

• Mind spoiling me back sometimes!
   

• Be severely narcissistic. Obviously. Haha.
   

• Lead me on.
   

• Hate holding me.
   

• Manipulate or threaten me to get his way.
    

• Invalidate my feelings and thoughts.
   

• Refuse to admit fault or to be gracious towards mine.
   

• Constantly cut others down.
    

• (Dehumanize me) Date me just because he likes my big boobs and the way I usually look when I get dolled up. Sometimes I look like crap, and even if I didn't, there are bajillion other lovely women out there(many with hotter bodies)..so he'd need to see me as much more than what he finds visually stimulating! Sex appeal is a plus, but it is not going to legitimately fulfill anyone. I have no desire to give my time and heart to another shallow little boy.
   

• Lower his standards for me or treat me like I'm a consolation prize. 
   

• Make me compete for his attention and affection. I don't need that much attention. But I do need to not be intentionally ignored right after being told something hateful or upsetting! That's a horrible thing to do to someone..
    

• Shame me/ Judge me for my past/ Assume I'm not over my abuser just because I'm still not over the abuse itself. I'm not in love with my abuser. Sometimes it's messy because I'm still recovering and I struggle to stop caring about people. But I don’t want or miss him anymore. 
    

• Insult my body or insinuate that I need to get cosmetic surgery. My child's biological father did that mess a few times. Not alright. I like my big boobs, ugly arms, and chubby belly just fine, thanks!
   

• Refuse to compliment anyone other than himself.
   

• Talk excessively about other women who he claims want to sleep with him..or have several extremely close female friends that he's happened to have slept with and talks to more often than he talks to me.. That weirds me out! It seems shady and makes me uncomfortable. I'm not the jealous type, but if someone is trying to make me jealous it will work and I will NOT appreciate it.
    

• Only take.
   

• Force me into or under things. 
   

• Scream at me. 
   

• Tell me what to wear or ridicule how I do my makeup. Ever. How I adorn my face and body is my choice, not a man's. He would never cross the boundary of thinking it is his place to tell me how I should look. Been there done that. I'm never getting shamed for how I express myself again. If I want to wear red lipstick and a pushup bra I am gonna! No controlling misogynists are welcome here.
   

• Call me high maintenance because he can't deliver or meet standards and boundaries I have every right to set. If I am too much for a man, that means he is not enough for me. Burrrrrrn. Hah! Sassy eh?

My Idea of Romance

All I want is to enjoy spending time with a good man. If I am in good company, I’m very happy. It doesn’t matter what we are doing. We don’t have to do much of anything..
 

We could spend a night out doing something special like attending an event, or we could stay in all day being bums together watching tv and eating fabulously unhealthy food. Both would be equally fulfilling to me.  

I’d love to hang out with a man who can be happy whether we’re doing nothing or doing everything. It would be nice to enjoy being around someone who can relax, laugh, chat, kiss, experience stuff, go places, watch movies, see plays, go out to eat, listen to live bands and maybe even an orchestra with.
 

There doesn't even have to be tons of talking all the time either, just real company with someone who is truly present with me when he's around. Does that make sense?.. 

If I can laugh and relax with a man, that’d be wonderful. If he actually considers me sometimes and goes out of his way to do something special for me, I might start to think I’m dreaming or something because I’ve never had that either. I cannot even fathom how that would make me feel. 

What’s that like? For someone to care enough about you to do things for you without expecting anything in return? To offer you something without it being a game? I hope y’all have had people do that for you. Seems like it would be nice! If someone did that for me I’d want to spoil him even more. ha. That’s what happens when I’m appreciative, I show it—a lot. :)

The Trouble with Wanting More

It’s hard to admit that no matter how badly I want companionship and love, a big part of me wants to do what I was doing before I met my ex. I want to meet a man and stay alone forever at the same time. That gets confusing.

I stayed alone for nearly a decade before I met my ex for a reason. My only experience with men has been dating three very cruel, selfish, and abusive partners. I dated the first two when I was 20 and 22. (I briefly discuss one of those relationships here.) I began dating the third man right after I turned 30, that was D.B.
 

During my time alone between those first two relationships and my third one, I did not speak to another man..as in, get to know one at all. I did not flirt with anyone, give out my number, or develop any crushes.

Avoidance and a certain degree of denial about it have been my only security for a long time. I was lonely, very lonely throughout those seven plus years.. but I was too terrified to make eye contact with majority of men who hit on me during that period of my life. Getting hit on at all would actually send me into a panic at times. 

Male attention got my heart racing in a horribly unpleasant way for a very long time.. Then it slowly started to get better about a year or so before I met D.B. It was easy to justify my avoidance and pretend it was not trauma related because I was so busy raising my son, going back to school to become a certified medical assistant, and then starting my job at a doctors' office. But the truth was that fear and unresolved trauma had a massive part of me paralyzed. 

After I finished school and had been working for a while, I started feeling brave enough to stop denying how lonely I was and consider being open to the possibility of meeting someone. I actually started to feel braver all around..I realized my income was too low to afford a home in a safe neighborhood, and that I needed to advance my career to change that. I decided I could tackle that!
 

I believed in myself. I knew it was time for me to return to school again in order to pursue my RN. I worked incredibly hard to get to the point I was at when I chose to return to college. I was scared, but I was determined not to let that stop me because my son needed better from life and his mother.
 

I originally enrolled at Sowela for the spring 2020 semester, but as I spoke with my academic advisor about my goals I discovered their nursing program did not allow the repeat of any courses... The problem with that was that I'd been a student at McNeese and Sowela over a decade prior, and I'd performed very poorly due to depressive issues (unresolved mess from childhood) and dropping out when I moved in with my first abusive partner in 2010. I asked how I could proceed with becoming a nurse despite my past errors. I was determined y'all. I was not going to take no for an answer. 
 

I was told I could apply for academic bankruptcy at McNeese to clear my old grades, and that once it was completed I would be able to qualify for Sowela's RN program. That was my starting point towards a better future for myself and my son.

When I went to McNeese to inquire about academic bankruptcy, I was told I'd have to enroll for at least one semester there in order to qualify.. Although I wanted to be at Sowela working towards my RN, I registered for the spring 2020 semester at McNeese State University. Once the semester commenced my very first class of each morning happened to be shared with D.B. 

At the time, I was trying to reenter the world and start living for sort of the first time in many ways. I felt so energized bouncing around that campus. I had never expected to be there again! I was making great grades and feeling more confident than ever! I was used to making my patients smile. I was ready to see brand new faces and bring smiles to as many of them as I could. I wanted so badly to step back out and allow myself to be happy. I had an all new wardrobe because I'd been in scrubs for the past few years. I had flattering tops, cute little low wedge heels, dresses, and my makeup was always perfected. I felt like I could take on the entire world and succeed! I was sassy, bubbly, and full of positive energy.

I actually did feel..happy and extraordinarily hopeful! The fear, pain, and old wounds were pushed deep down because of all the progress I'd made throughout the years, and all the progress I was in the midst of making by taking proactive steps in my life! 

About halfway through the semester D.B. approached me, and then you know what happened next. I was concerned about him one day, we began 'talking' and became a couple almost immediately..and that was it. My life took a dark turn. Thankfully, it is turning in a much better direction. But now my fear to hope for positive life changes, including in the romance department, can get overwhelming because of the outcome I am accustomed to.
 

It’s an outcome I feel extremely foolish for not expecting when I let my guard down with D.B. I’m often frustrated that I 'allowed' what happened to happen. I feel so much disgust and anger with myself for getting my hopes up and believing. 

I often feel ashamed of myself for taking that risk. I’m getting vexed with myself as I write this. It can be really challenging when those emotions and negative thoughts about myself take over. He made it all too easy for me to hate myself, even after all the years I'd spent fighting to do the opposite. 

So, I think it is rather obvious why I am conflicted about men in general. Wanting to date and eventually find love is terrifying for me. This is why something as simple as the crush I had(I'm saying 'had' because I'm supposed to be over my curiosity with that man by now..in case you didn't guess that. ha) recently threw me for a loop. There was joy, but also so much stress, anxiety, and extreme fear mixed in.
 

To be attracted to a man was very triggering. When he started to seem attracted and interested in me, it became even more terrifying. The thought of him possibly pursuing me made me happy and made me want to go into hiding simultaneously. This is why I took off a few times and would sometimes freeze up around him.
 

It is also what led to me needing to analyze and understand exactly where I stood with him. It was so scary, and I felt like I was fighting against myself the entire time simply because wanting and having even the tiniest bit of hope regarding a man was..it was not easy. I felt stupid all over again..because in my mind, having hope at all in regards to any man is absolutely idiotic when I know how it always turns out.   

I'd get loopy, nervous, happy, sad, and scared over my little interest in a stranger. The effect it had on me wasn't always pleasant because I had to try to find ways to cope with being triggered every time I was around something or someone I enjoyed being around. I was triggered by positive thoughts about a man, regardless of how small or seemingly simple they were. I knew my reaction wasn't normal, so that spiraled off in a different direction of shame I had to keep fighting my way out of. I am proud of myself because I was still able to see the silly side and laugh at myself and enjoy many moments of it, but it was still a challenge.
 

The uncertainty quickly exhausted my defenses that were constantly attempting to kick into overdrive in efforts to keep me from getting hurt again. 
 

I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt, not only by a man, but by what seemed to be pointless hope, shame, and guilt I felt for letting go of the place in my heart my ex had previously occupied and destroyed.

Towards the end of the semester I started to think I was going to be pursued by this gentleman, and I was frightened...but I was also surprisingly already wanting to be brave because I really wanted him to. That was record time for me! I was stunned. Last time it took over seven years! Weird. I didn't want to wait nearly another decade to try again, because I knew that even waiting for as long as I did last time failed to protect me from experiencing retraumatization. I didn’t want to enter  relationship with the man, I wanted to get to know him and enjoy his company. Then take things nice and slow, only if there was anything there that we both wanted to explore.
 

When the man I thought was going to do something didn’t, my cognitive dissonance worsened because I was spazzing out and experiencing high levels of self-doubt already that I’d been trying to convince myself were unwarranted. But then I let his lack of action get to me and serve as evidence that I was stupid and delusional. None of that is his fault, I’m simply being honest about my mind’s poor response to it. 

 
Men freak me out, and the most recent trauma one caused did not take place that long ago..so I’m not going to keep beating myself up for making mistakes and getting scared.

Will I Start Dating?

I'm honestly not sure what I’m going to do or how I’m going to do it. I know I'm a good woman and deserve love..but I also know I am not normal. That’s fine. There are plenty of other weirdos out there.
 

I do want to try new things and meet new people really badly.. But in regards to meeting men, I never run into people I am compatible with. It’s not that I’m too good for them or that they’re too good for me..it’s that.. almost every guy I interact with in casual settings or online seems so empty. 

The things the boys who hit on me seem to care about are not bad or less than the things I care about, they just aren’t relatable. Sometimes it feels like they are only trying to look good or cool instead of actually being present and honest. I could be wrong. Even if I’m right, that’s ok..I don’t know their intention..but it isn’t appealing to me when I can only see someone’s pagentry. I want to see them.
 

I also don’t want to have to explain myself to a bunch of people who won’t understand. Maybe most people would..but my experience has been talking in-depth about things that are meaningful is off-putting to a lot of men. That’s alright, but I want to talk about things and know who people really are..not what they think I want to see. I don’t always desire to be in serious convo mode..but when it isn’t even an option on occasion, it sucks!!

I want a man to be himself and to know how he thinks and how he feels. I don’t hunger to hear a man share a list of facts about himself he thinks will impress me. I want to know people, but for some reason a lot of people are so shut off. Especially gentlemen. I know there’s more to people, why does everyone hide it?? Is it because there are so many jerks out there too?? 
 

I’m not trying to be rude or say people who aren’t open are doing anything wrong. I don’t think I’m better than anyone by me being awkwardly open most of the time.. I’m just lonesome.  When I’m around people who are not genuinely connecting with me on a non-superficial level..it’s dreadfully lonely.

I want more. I love people, I’ll love them if they are closed off too..but I wish they weren’t because I know most of them are likely absolutely lovely. I’m not implying I need a man to instantly drop his guard and bare his soul to me(although that’d be awesome!), I only want to enjoy a man’s company without a bunch of bullshit in the way. I want to be content and find someone else content to hang out with, so we can be content together! 😊 Malcontents make me feel zombified-
 

I know I'm ready to get to know new people. It doesn't always have to be for romantic reasons. However in regards to meeting a man, the only way I'm going to have a chance to run into one is for me to actually go outside of my house! ..So, I'm going to get out of the house and do stuff. The only thing I can think of to do is to go to school and slowly start going out to events around town on weekends. I'm not sure what all is available, or if COVID will eventually shut everything down again. We'll see how that goes.

Dating Experience

I have never been on a normal date. My high school boyfriend took me out to eat every once in awhile. The other three men..well, D.B. and I went on nice long walks at night sometimes, and the few family game nights he invited me to also felt date-like. That was the closest thing to an actual date I've ever gotten.

If you're wondering how I managed to have three serious relationships and birth a child without ever being taken on a date..uhhhh.. that's an excellent question. I'll explain how that went down in detail one day..

Here's the abridged version:

The first boyfriend- I moved in with him  rather quickly after becoming friends with him in order to escape a situation at home, which I'm not going to delve into. (I met this guy through a mutual acquaintance I’d known since I was 12.)

The second boyfriend- I ended up with the second boyfriend because he 'rescued me' from the first abuser after we'd gotten into a physical altercation because he hated how I was 'too sad' when I found out my memaw's (grandmother) cancer had progressed and she was about to pass away. This fake hero had hired me as a waitress at the restaurant he managed. Yep, registered sex offenders can manage restaurants and be in charge of selecting a bunch of young ladies to work for them. I wasn't aware of that then.. I wasn't aware of much of anything actually, because the first boyfriend did a real number on me. Also because who suspects that? He was well-spoken, had a good reputation, seemed kind, and had 'saved' me. I never would've guessed he was a rapist. I know better now. Took me years to forgive myself for getting into that situation as well.

The third boyfriend, D.B.- I met at school almost eight years after thinking I'd learned my lesson from the second boyfriend. After all those years of doing great and becoming more confident and strong, I never thought I'd end up in this situation once again. D.B. and I got together literally two or three days before the COVID 19 pandemic caused the major lockdown.. Thus, we couldn't easily go anywhere at all after we got together following our phone date and all night walk around campus talking date thing. We were an instant couple, yet we were apart since the start. It was quite the unusual situation.

I know.. I've obviously never entered the normal dating world. However, I do know a lot about being abused your entire life and how scary of a concept it is to put yourself out there. I have a plan..sort of! 😎 

First, I’m going to start by addressing obstacles that have always prevented me from dating or socializing normally. I wrote about the main one and then moved that section over to my most recent post, Taking Responsibility for My Life. Low self-esteem has definitely kept me closed off. 

Next, I want to make sure I have standards for what type of man I will give the opportunity to get to know me. As silly as that sounds, because most people obviously have standards, I apparently threw my checklist aside as soon as I got involved with D.B. I need to stand firm on what I want, and what I am uncomfortable with. I need to know what I won't do, and stick to that as well. So, boundaries. I need to create or strengthen my boundaries.

I knew how a healthy adult relationship should unfold, yet when I met my ex I entered a relationship with him in roughly two seconds. I knew better, but then suddenly I didn't? What on earth.. I knew it took time. I knew that you have to get to know one another and take it slow to figure out how to proceed instead of just diving right in with a stranger. Yet, with D.B. it felt amazing, he rushed, and I rushed right back at full speed without giving myself a moment to come down from my elating stupor before making a logical decision on what was the best way to move forward. Oh no. I call that impulsivity, poor decision making, and inability to think straight when getting intense amounts of a man's attention. I will remember to slow down next time. 

Goals to Protect Myself

I will not ignore my discomfort or intuition.

If he says ugly things about other people, but is only saying flattering things to me..I will accept he is not a nice person simply because he's currently being nice to me. 

I will not stick around if he talks to me in a disrespectful way.

I will not divulge my entire life story to him until after I know he's not someone who will use my weaknesses against me.

I will not agree to enter a committed relationship before we go on dates and get to know one another to a reasonable extent first. If he asks me to be his girlfriend on the first date, I'll run for the hills because it'll be a huge red flag even if he turns out not to be a crappy person..I cannot take that risk, and I'll be baffled as to how he's already sure he wants to be with someone he barely knows! I did that already, it was a foolish decision. When I say I ‘want’ someone nowadays I’m referring to having the hots for them and wanting to get to know them. I’m much more crass on this website than I would be elsewhere because it’s supposed to be all girls here!

I will not be inconsiderate. I'll constantly remind myself not to compare him to my past or assume the worst. I will try my best to keep an open mind and simply tiptoe my way in to prevent myself from getting my heart ripped out or losing track of myself. I don't want to hurt a man by being cold to him just because I've been hurt before. I'll try my very best to ease into it if I meet someone who wants to get involved with me. The right man will stick around patiently. My love is worth it, if you're into that sort of thing— being loved passionately and unconditionally by a sweet, straight forward lady.😘

If I feel I have to hide details about him/us from loved ones or my therapist, I'll take that as a sign he's toxic and run.

The very first time he curses at me/talks down to me aggressively—I'm out. I'm not tolerating verbal abuse. It is damaging and extremely disrespectful. If someone cares about me, my well-being should be more important to them than their ego or pissy mood! Get pissed boy, but don't you dare hurt me because of it. Control yourself and express yourself in a way that doesn't infringe upon the rights and dignity of others. K? Thanks! Everyone messes up and snaps sometimes..but certain lines should never be crossed. Saying something ugly happens..but calling someone a degrading name or tearing them apart with the intent to cause harm..That’s not alright..at all.
 

(D.B. did that less than two weeks in. I should've left him then because it was unacceptable. Completely unacceptable. He got mad when I got taken to the hospital and texted him about it. I was scared. I'd never been in an ambulance before. He accused me of lying about 'dramatic bullshit' to try to manipulate him into talking to me. He cursed at me and texted "FUCKING STOP ERINN!" “You’re making up shit and being dramatic to try to force me to talk! It’s not gonna work on me.”  

It hurt and I was utterly shocked with his hostile, cruel response to me. He had been so sweet and appreciative to be with me -his ‘dream woman’- then suddenly he was talking to me like I was a disgusting, evil thing he couldn't stand. This is hurting my heart to think about. He hurt my heart a lot.)