My Mistakes
04/22/2021
There's a big difference between taking responsibility for your actions, and blaming yourself for someone else's.
My mistakes didn't make him do it, but I still made plenty of them—
Sections:
- Intro
- My Vulnerabilities
- 5 of My Biggest Mistakes
- What I Was After
I thought I was independent and that I didn't need a relationship. Regardless of how sure I felt that I didn't need a man, as soon as we began dating I felt I had more purpose. SO it seems that no matter how strong I felt I'd become throughout the years, I was still unfulfilled and lonesome.
I was continuing to wait around to be made to feel complete..It wasn't intentional. But I guess deep down, the loneliness had me feeling like something was missing. I turned to the new relationship as a form of escapism without realizing that's what I was doing.
Waiting for love from a man to fulfill me and make me happy..I shouldn't have done that. I didn't realize I had. But I definitely felt different once he entered my life. I suddenly felt like I wasn't all alone. I should have found a way to be whole by myself.
For me to fall as fast as I did, and to buy all the bullshit he sold on our first date, I had to be desperately tired of doing this life alone. I had to have been fed up with keeping to myself.
I was ready for love. It was something I had wanted, yet avoided, for such a long time.. So as soon as I got it, I was ALL IN. I was ready. I was too ready to have someone love me. It became everything.
I am responsible for my own happiness, but I placed responsibility for all of it onto the relationship. I placed all hope and peace on his care and love for me. Without meaning to, I was counting on the relationship to fulfill me. Handing over my trust far too quickly. Putting all of what felt like was my lifeforce into loving him.
I did something he does. I was getting my validation, peace, joy and worth from outside. He may not see how we both rely on others..He may think the fact that he is strong and abusive is proof that he doesn't need anyone, but he does..
He NEEDS to see how he impacts people to know he is awesome, desired, powerful and superior. I NEED acceptance, love, and validation from others to know I am not a worthless, unlovable waste of space. D.B. and I are both equally needy, even if he can't see it or doesn't care. Just like him, I was maintaining balance from everything but myself.
I'd learned many years ago that I couldn't get what I needed or ever be enough, but at least I could help other people be alright and get them what they needed..I thought that was ok. It is not.
I thought living for others was the best I could do. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. It's all I wanted to do, because loving others comes naturally to me.. Just as having contempt for others comes naturally to him. But loving myself, caring about what is best for me..that doesn't come naturally to me.
I can't forget about myself anymore. I also know I have to fix my dependence issues. I do not want to burden someone with maintaining my inner peace and happiness..that is MY job.
My need for validation and acceptance may not have manifested in a way that would have been observable if I had dated a good man, so I am thankful for this hellish relationship. Now I can become even better for when I meet a man who actually deserves my love.
But first, I have to figure out how to love myself a little better. If I could love D.B. so fiercely, fight for him, wait patiently, support him, try to understand him, show compassion for his issues, and forgive all his wrongdoings-why can't I do the same for myself?? I will. I will force myself to be kind to myself until it comes naturally. If I manage to provide myself with half of the consideration I had for him, I will be in a very good place.
My need for validation and acceptance may not have manifested in a way that would have been observable if I had dated a good man, so I am thankful for this hellish relationship. Now I can become even better for when I meet a man who actually deserves my love.
My Vulnerabilities
I've been told that everyone wants and needs love. I believe that. I also feel like I need that love and acceptance too much.
I've had a lonely life.
My confidence was too low to have many friends growing up. I felt too disgustingly hideous, stupid and weird to be around others. I didn't ever feel good enough. I hid all throughout my adolescence and early adulthood.
I never went to parties. I never went out with a group of friends. I avoided dances. I never went on dates. I've never been out dancing or gone on adventures. I hid. This social anxiety and self-doubt had a lot to do with my upbringing, but that's another story. Just know that I had very little faith in myself.
No matter how wrapped up I would get in my isolating feelings of inadequacy, I still loved everyone and wanted everybody to be ok. The thought of others being hurt overwhelms me. I can't deal with much of the news or depressing stories. I used to constantly get stuck in the hurt of others. I have no control over it. If I know you are in pain, I'll be in pain too. It is simply how my mind responds. Concerned.
Growing up, this trait left me feeling odd and alone. I felt ashamed and foolish for the strong impact others' heartbreaks had on my heart and mind. Pain is a part of life. I knew that, but it still bothered me a lot. It made me feel heavy and knocked off balance. My worry for others impacted my energy level and ability to care about myself-I was too busy caring about everyone else.
To be bothered to such a great extent over problems that weren't my own, convinced me I was a faulty. I thought that I should've been able to just not care..like all the men I seem to attract don't. Ha..
I always felt like I was a loser for failing to find a way to balance it all out; to balance myself while carrying it all. Others had it much worse, why did I feel so disheartened? I never could master caring without allowing myself to become exhausted and down. I thought I had finally started to figure it out, until I met D.B.
The shame of being emotional and sensitive has been with me for a long time, especially since teen years..kids are mean. I wanted to act tougher, I wanted to not care..but I JUST COULDN'T. People picked up on this. Kids and adults saw I wouldn't stand up for myself. So as social ranks began to form in school and work settings -as they naturally do- I was at the bottom.
Peers recognized that I was deeply hurt by unkind words, and that I'd never say anything hateful back or stand up for myself. I was an easy target, so people needing a punching bag did what people like that do. Why not? They weren't the ones who were taking damage from the hits. I was.
It was lonely, and only made me care more. The more I'd hurt, the more I didn't want others to ever have to feel the same way.
I avoided people, and some peers jumped to conclusions. The joy of being a quiet person because you feel unworthy, just to get told you're a stuck up bitch. Good times. Yet, I sat back and took it all because I was terrified of hurting a bully's feelings. It felt wrong to hurt someone. I couldn't do it. Which makes sense..I couldn't do it then, and I failed to do it while I was with D.B. Always the doormat.
I only wanted to be kind, because I knew how much I appreciated when people were kind to me. So, no matter how ugly someone would treat me, 99.9 % of the time I couldn't even entertain the thought of lashing back out at them. I considered standing up for myself to be too hostile. I'd think “What if I hurt someone?” “What if they were just having a bad day, or what if I deserved it?”
I didn't want to be ugly to anyone..because having people be ugly to you sucks. It was how I'd been molded earlier on. I suppose I sought out men who were like my past..even though I hated my past. Psychology is a hoot..blah.
Anywho..I just wanted to be kind to others..I couldn't understand how people could be so mean and not care about the pain they caused others. I still can't fully grasp it. I just can't imagine not caring about harming someone else, or to know someone else isn't ok and not be bothered by it. That's alien to me. I do not get it AT ALL. I didn't want to risk causing harm to someone else, even if they were hurting me. It was a misguided love, always has been. Very misguided..
Having altruistic and/or 'push over' tendencies isn't fun. The first abuser would accuse me of 'faking it' to look good as he'd scold me and tell me how selfish I was. It really baffles me, the logic of people who said I was trying to 'appear' altruistic. Being that way has gotten me nothing but ridicule, condescension, and disrespect. So tell me then, if I'm being 'good' for selfish reasons..what the heck would I be getting from it other than belittlement and suspicion? N.o.t.h.i.n.g.
In a world full of narcissistic and abusive personalities, they perceive kindness as something weak or as a manipulation tactic they're too clever to fall for. It's sad. If I were trying to manipulate things in my favor with D.B. or anyone, I wouldn't use rolling over and exposing my soft side to the wolves.
I trusted D.B. with my big, tender heart...I failed myself there. I let him know the truth of my heart, mind, and deepest emotions, just to be told it was an undeserving, pathetic lie on more than one occasion.
Not caring and wanting others to be alright goes against all I am. Sure, it could make people like him more comfortable to act like I'm also cold and disconnected..but I can't do that, because I cannot live a shallow, empty and false life.. I won't.
It took me a very long time to realize that, although I desperately needed to develop mechanisms to manage my emotions, to care deeply for others and feel intensely is NOT a weakness or something to be ashamed of.
My extreme care and earnest heart became a weakness because I didn't know how to apply it to the harsh world we live in. Nobody showed me how. They just told me to be embarrassed of it and change who I am. I was told to toughen up and get over it, because the world doesn't care. BUT I CARE.
Being told to just ignore your inner-world is the worst advice possible! It's so horrible for an individual that it's usually the origin of abusive/narcissistic personalities!
Being told what you think or feel isn't important or acceptable is NOT OK. People deserve better. I should have had support and acceptance, at least at home. But. Well..life happens. I am grateful to be exactly where I am at..because I am helping others, and that's all I ever wanted.
As a youth and younger adult, I genuinely believed that I was the problem...That I was fundamentally defective and could never serve a purpose or survive the mean nature of most people.
So I focused on how much I loved everyone else, and never learned how to love myself. I hated me. I ignored me. I lived feeling ashamed of who I am my entire life..
Then miraculously, a few years ago I had turned into a stronger, productive woman!
I finally recognized I was a good person and had a lot to offer..a lot of love and positivity to spread around by being kind to everyone I met whenever I had the chance. I saw that people didn't get nearly enough kindness and respect on a daily basis, so I only wanted to build people up, accept and support them. I wanted to help, serve and love. I only wanted to bring care to others, the kind of care I 'd never actually been given.
Sadly, I was still very lonely. I was afraid to put myself out there ..really out there. I decided enough is enough! I returned to school, ready to take on the world and give it a hug at the same time! lol. I became so happy and sure of the woman I had grown into through all my trials and tribulations. But deep down there was still something that could be easily exploited.
...And after all of my hard work on self-improvement from years 2013-2020, and regardless of how all I wanted to do was bring happiness to the world..someone came along. A man who knew exactly what he was doing, and that I was the perfect type to take advantage of and push around. He saw my greatest weaknesses, and he had no desire to be compassionate towards them, he wanted my fears and pain to be raw.
For over half a decade I had been fighting for myself and my child with determination that nothing could damper. I had completed a degree at a trade school. I had gotten sole custody of my baby. I had a career in a doctor's office. I'd gone from 220lbs to 148. I was confident.
I was ready to be the me I always should've been! ..Until I met him.
All of that progress, just to fall into the clutches of a man who made me feel like I did way back before I was the woman I worked so hard to become.
He knocked me back down to 20 year old version of myself- unsure and broken down without hope. He attacked those vulnerabilities he only knew I had because I trusted him enough to share them. He tore me apart.
His abuse attacked the deepest wounds from earlier in my life. He attacked the most vulnerable and deep seated pain I have within me- and he did so on purpose..He attacked my inner child, my spirit and my heart. He nearly killed me.
He took what I'd spent years rebuilding, and turned it into a chaotic war zone.
He took the scars from past relationships and tore them wide open while he carved his name in to make his own personalized mark. Then he took all that damage, both old and new, and ripped it all to shreds. A few bruises and wounds wouldn't suffice... He made sure to obliterate everything he could get his hands on, then told me I had done it to myself. The more difficult to heal from, the better..
When I would manage to start stitching together a small piece of all he and his abusive hell tore apart- he'd show back up just to leave again, and pop open the new seams that had taken all I had left within myself to sew in.
Regardless of my missteps, I didn't break myself down or deserve to be abused and betrayed by the man I protected and cherished.
5 of My Biggest Mistakes
(within the relationship)
1. I placed full responsibility for my happiness onto the relationship.
I turned to him to make me feel complete. That is not to say I asked him for anything unreasonable. I didn't ask him for anything that shouldn't have already been a part of a healthy, real relationship. My flaws were why he was able to get away with so much. Which means, they actually benefitted him while they harmed me. It made manipulating me and emotionally beating me down far easier.
I didn't realize how easily the relationship and his mistreatment would consume me. My peace of mind and joy were dependent on him being kind to me and us being alright..he was rarely kind, and he kept me unsure of where I stood with him..So although I became desperate for his approval and affection, I never truly got much of it (if any).
I am responsible for my happiness. I forgot that when he initially made me blissfully happier than I had felt in a long time..or ever. Then when he pulled away and got mean, I suddenly felt so unhappy and confused. I crashed. I felt so alone..and I just didn't want to feel that way again. I wanted to feel good again.
His cruelty and distance left me feeling incomplete and strained. I believed it was just a rough spot because of circumstances. I held on..I felt like I needed him. I didn't know how it happened. I was single for years and fine alone, but then I felt like I would collapse without his care/ love??
I became codependent and desperate for relief from the hell his neglect and harsh words left me in. I NEEDED the relief. I was so tired of hurting. I let him become the antidote to all my pain and problems-even ones I had before I met him. Being with him felt like a type of addiction. He would get me high and numb my pain, doubts, fears and stress-(mostly from the pain he caused.)
Then he'd disappear, and I'd be left in the dark as the effects wore off and the unpleasant reality of our relationship started to set back in. I started to see something was wrong. I didn't want to see it. I didn't understand it. I just wanted him to fix it like he always did when he showed back up with a grand speech full of flattering and reassuring affirmations.
I didn't realize issues I had beforehand, ones that needed to be addressed. These issues caused me to be perfect prey for him. Issues that made me feel unworthy, ashamed, and afraid-even before he exacerbated those core wounds from long before I dated anyone.
In a normal relationship my issues wouldn't have enabled an abuser or gotten me stuck..but this was no normal relationship dynamic..It was a relationship between two individuals who need validation, fulfillment, and pride from outside sources..instead of from within ourselves.
He needs people to push around to feel powerful and important; I need people to make me feel worthwhile and acceptable. We were using one another..but I actually cared about him and wanted to provide him with everything he ever needed or wanted..I truly loved him, even though I needed his love to 'love' myself..(unbeknownst to me at the time)
2. I trusted him too easily.
I believed all he said at face value. The energy and hope during our first long date was so alluring. He told me he wanted a real relationship and that he was thrilled about us..So I 100% believed he wanted a real relationship and was thrilled to be with me... I trusted and believed in him, that was the biggest mistake of all.
I trusted him far too easily. I didn't make him earn it. I didn't make him prove himself or earn ME. I just met him, and after we talked for six consecutive hours on the phone I trusted he was sincere. Then after our date in person that lasted all night, I took it all at face value. It was overpowering and intoxicating. The way he looked at me, the comfort I felt. It was like I was safe and speaking with someone I'd known forever. I gave in because I wanted what he was selling to me..A new, loving relationship with potential for more.
I went all in because he said he was all in.. I trusted everything he said, yet ignored my own initial hesitation. I felt at ease because of how good it felt when he took my hand and to hold that oddly intense eye contact with him. He was funny, smart, interested, vulnerable and right in front of me! He seemed real, he was struggling but still couldn't resist our chemistry. Or so he said..
I TRUSTED HIM, AND ALL HE SAID. He said he was in need and hurting, I knew I would never hurt him..I thought it was a match made in heaven. I believed he was being as real as I was..I didn't once question if he was up to something or leading me on. Never once did I question it. I knew I had gotten to know him because I checked on him after his dad's suicide.
I never thought he was heartless. I shouldn't have trusted him and assumed he was what he said he was. I should've slowed down. I should've had self-control, waited a little longer and gotten to know him even better before I entered a relationship with him.
I should have believed what he was showing once I was his, instead of what he was periodically telling me to keep me attached. BUT-No matter what I should've done or realize I could do better next time, it does not justify his abuse or make me deserving of the torture dating him turned out to be.
3. I jumped right into the relationship with him.
I should've slowed down and set a more cautious pace. But I didn't deserve or earn the mistreatment and mind games that were to follow. Trusting the wrong person doesn't mean I deserve to be taken advantage of, heartlessly misled, abused and abandoned. I was reckless with my heart, but in the moments he stole it he had made me feel safe and cared for.
I didn't resist, because it felt too good and new to me. It had been eight years since I had gotten to know a man, and it wasn't in healthy way then. I had never been courted and connected with someone the way I felt connected with D.B. so quickly.
I had never had a normal relationship in my adult life, I didn't know what it was like. So when he played pretend and acted like a good man who was simply interested in me, it was something I'd never known.
I was dizzy from all his intense attention and taken over by a rush of positive emotions I hadn't felt..ever. I gave in, I wanted to be happy.
A man not treating me like crap, and a man who seemed to be possessing depth and intelligence was too good to be true for me. He was a dream.
It felt like a fantasy..because it was. He created it, but I accepted it and played along because it was so closely linked to the dreams of all I had ever wanted. I suppose he knew what dreams and longings I had..made it easier for him to present the right thing to demolish my walls and take my heart. Such a horrible man.
4. I prioritized him above everything else.
I finally had a chance to have what I always wanted. A partner, a best friend. . I was starved for companionship and care forever..then he appeared in my life stating that was exactly what he wanted to provide.
Convenient. I was so appreciative to him for being being a dream come true and treating me right. lol At first when he convinced me that's how it was going to be...
Then when he got distant and mean, I still appreciated him because I believed he was struggling like he said he was. I still thought that he was a good man who simply needed my patience and compassion.
However, being patient and showing endless support got more and more difficult after each time he lashed out or vanished. I felt I wasn't doing enough to do right by him.
I kept trying so hard, and that effort left me with nothing to put into other aspects of my life. He and our relationship became my life.
He was so difficult and demanding, it required all of me..I was more than willing to sacrifice everything for him, I thought that was the right way to love. I was wrong.
Of course his mind games and future faking played a huge role in getting me so invested, but I had vulnerabilities that made it easier for him to get me hooked.
I had a strong want. I wanted to be cared for, and I wanted to care for someone who was finally going to benefit from it whilst appreciating the massive amount of love I had to give.
5. I listened to my emotions instead of my logic..then his 'logic' instead of my intuition. I doubted myself, not him.
On the first date.. I knew relationships took time, that I had just met him.. but the six hour phone call and then 10pm-5am date walking around campus..I felt high out of my mind..
I was so enamored, surprised..it was surreal and felt like a movie. I got so wrapped up in what he showed me that night. I believed that kind, smart, complicated and open man was who he was. It is who he continued to claim he was throughout the year.
When he quickly started to show me he was indeed not all he claimed to be and wasn't interested in what he said he wanted. I didn't believe what his actions were showing me.
I refused to trust my emotions because they made no sense if I were to trust his words. It didn't match. No matter how much unease I felt, I trusted him and refused to trust myself.
All of his convenient stories made me feel worried and guilty. His heartbreaking excuses made me feel like I'd been worrying and hurting over nothing.
The gaslighting was powerful. I was quick to think there was something wrong with me. I had been pushed down this way before. I slipped back in without realizing it, and quickly took all the blame.
I no longer trusted my own judgment because he expressed that everything I did was wrong and ruining us.
I trusted him, I didn't think he'd try to break me down. I fully believed him when he'd tell me "That shit's all in your head man."
My emotions were telling me I was hurting, afraid, confused, tired and alone..but D.B. was telling me I was confused, overthinking, being selfish, acting crazy.. I chose his version over my own.
I listened to him.. But I silenced and forgot about me— just like he had done.
I made mistakes, but I didn't deserve to be maliciously mistreated as a consequence of trusting him, wanting him, and falling in love with him.
What I Was After
Kindness. Friendship. Acceptance. Respect. Appreciation. Affection. Consideration. To be known. To be understood. Happiness. Romance. Loyalty. Truth. Family. To help. To love and be loved.
What I wanted was simple, or should've been for someone who claimed he cared about me and wanted a future together.
I wanted to enjoy my time with him, not constantly chase someone who initially pursued me with great intensity.
I wanted for him to be ok.He always told me he was struggling, and he'd use his supposed struggles to excuse his temper and bizarre communication/ disappearances. I was concerned. He said he appreciated me being such a good girlfriend.
I wanted to stay by his side and let him know I'd be there if he wanted or needed anything.
I wanted to try to understand and help him any way I could, even if all I could to do to help was be patient and supportive. I adored him.
The thing I wanted most of all was for him to be alright. I wanted that more than anything else on this list. I wanted him to have peace and to suffer less. I was desperate for him to be satisfied. I only wanted him to be ok. I didn’t want him to hurt.
- I wanted my boyfriend to actually act like he enjoyed my company.
- I wanted to talk to him. The only reason I had issues to discuss with him was because his abuse and neglect created them.
- I wanted things simple, calm and good...or at least repairable.
- I didn't want games and cruelty..but that is all he provided.
- I wanted our relationship to move forward instead of being held in some sort of depressing, stressful stalemate. It was always unclear and stuck.
- I wanted his actions and words not to contradict each other. I wanted consistency and reliability.
- I wanted the man who was interested in getting to know all about me..I was after who he was on our first long date..The man who swore he'd treat me like his queen and always want me around. He went from that enamored man, to angry and missing in action. He was so excited about 'us' before he actually got me.. then, less than a week into our relationship, he didn't have any desire to contact me..call me..talk to me about anything. It was baffling, stressful, lonely and disappointing.
- I wanted what he said we'd have. I wanted what he said he wanted at the start, I wanted what he advertised and enticed me with. I wanted all that had made me interested in him in the first place..healthy communication and a relationship for both of us.
- I wanted a healthy relationship with a good person. I wanted the person I had agreed to date, not the quiet, selfish jerk who almost immediately took his place.
- I wanted for him to still want to be involved in my life. I wanted to get to know him better, and for him to want to get to know me.
- I wanted that joy he had as we walked around campus together. But it was gone, likely because it was a lie. What I wanted, was something real.
- I wanted to be involved with a man who was not misogynistic, selfish and dishonest. I did not want a disrespectful, dishonest, disloyal and delusional man, but that's what I got..
- I wanted to be heard, seen and accepted.. But instead I was drawn to someone who was just like everything I had been running away from. He was just like my first abusive partner from 2010, but worse. He was like my childhood abuser, but worse. He was like my schoolmate bullies, but worse. He was like depression, but worse. I thought all those years waiting were worth it, because all that pain and loneliness had led me to him..Oh, how wrong I was! It was much less lonely to be single than it was to be D.B.’s significant other.
- I wanted to give all my love to someone who wouldn't abuse it and walk all over me, but I gave my all to a manipulative, narcissistic man who never wanted anything of substance. He only saw the surface, because that is all he has to offer and all he is capable of understanding. The basics. The temporary highs. The hollow. Vapid.
- I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I wanted to love and be loved back. I wanted a best friend, a companion and an ally.
- I wanted to fight for us. I wanted to never give up on him.
- I wanted reassurance, security and the commitment he kept promising.
- Now- I want more. I want someone to love me the way I loved him. I refuse to ever settle for less again. I'd rather be alone forever, than be with someone like D.B. He spoke like if he wouldn't have shown up and been interested, I was going to be alone forever..like I'm undesirable. A kind, intelligent, funny, cute, loyal, honest and passionately loving woman.. Yeah, I am sure no man in the world will ever want someone like that.