Endless Uncertainties
08/06/2021
Sections:
- Cruelty, Neglect, & Fear
- I Should've Never Had to Wonder
- The 'What-ifs'
Cruelty, Neglect, & Fear
A relationship is supposed to be a space in which you know where you stand. A space where you feel accepted, wanted, and considered.
Even in doomed partnerships you usually know what went wrong, or at least what the relationship was.
With my ex I couldn't make much sense of anything that was happening or had happened. How can one feel reassured if their partner treats them in ways that make reality of the relationship so unclear?
His conflicting actions left me unsure of numerous things while we were together.
There are just as many unknowns now that he's gone. Maybe even more.
The moment I'd start to believe I mattered to him he'd treat me like I was of no importance.
Then when I'd start to believe I didn’t matter to him he'd treat me like I gave his life meaning.
My time with D.B. was far from healthy. There was nothing genuinely kind, loving, or accepting within our relationship -other than myself.
I was neglected, deceived, and abandoned. As well as tolerated when he felt like enjoying some aspect of me that was simple or provided something interesting.
He was free to pick and choose when to fit me into his schedule, and act like a boyfriend- It was always according to when doing so would benefit him enough.
If he wanted something, he’d begrudgingly exert the minimal amount of effort necessary to get it.
He only saw parts of me. He saw the aspects he wanted and didn't want. He never put it all together to actually see ME as a whole. He merely saw what was or wasn't in it for him.
Looking only at what I could give him, as though I wasn't even a real person. Like I was just some modification to apply to his life and try out whenever HE felt like it.
Whenever he didn't feel my company would be gratifying, he'd cease interacting with me and simply go about his business doing whatever he found more preferable.
—Which automatically left me being treated as though I weren't still there.
My time with D.B. was far from healthy. There was nothing genuinely kind, loving, or accepting within our relationship -other than myself.
He was free to pick and choose when to fit me into his schedule, and act like a boyfriend- It was always according to when doing so would benefit him enough.
He only saw parts of me. He saw the aspects he wanted and didn't want. He never put it all together to actually see ME as a whole. He merely saw what was or wasn't in it for him.
I'd cease to exist to him for days, weeks, and eventually even months.
I was only treated like I was alive when he wanted me around or felt I could be tolerated.
The pain from that type of dehumanizing mistreatment should never be underestimated.
To have someone you love treat you as though you only exist when they decide they're in the mood for you.. is h.o.r.r.i.b.l.e.
To be ignored and irrelevant to someone until they want your attention for themselves.. that is beyond hurtful.
It leaves you feeling like a utilized convenience, instead of a loved human being. That is not an ok way to be treated. It is completely inhumane.
I gave him all I had.. In return he gave me nothing but stress, ridicule, loneliness, blame, shame and pain.
He treated me like I was a burden, pest, or an occasional good time.
He treated me like I was some fool for him to turn his back on anytime he felt I'd overstepped.. It was his way of giving me a harsh reminder that I was unworthy of his time, effort, and compassion.
My mind could never be still. I could never breathe easy.
I held on. I wanted to hold on. I loved him. I thought he was worth the misery I was in, and eventually believed I deserved how badly it hurt to hang onto what he claimed we had.
He could only see me when I had something he wanted, or when I said/did something he did not like.
AKA- he felt disrespected and challenged...
Who did I think I was to dare step out from behind a line he forcefully placed down in front of me like it was his right to decide my function?
I do not exist to serve a function for him.
I am a person—not a piece of property, a pet, or some meaningless pleasure object.
Nobody has the right to treat another person like they are less than human. NOBODY has that right.
Abuse is a violation of basic human rights. To abuse is crossing a line no person has the right to cross.
No man or woman has the right to oppress, exploit, and damage others for personal gain.
To think you have the right to treat others like they have no rights is a deeply disordered way of thinking.
As I wrote elsewhere-
He has the right to do whatever the hell he wants, but you only have the right to do what is right for him.
That is not acceptable, safe, or beneficial long-term. There is a reason abuse ruins or complicates the lives of all involved. It needs to stop.
An abuser telling his victim she is crossing the line by breaking free from controlling restrictions he had no right to enforce upon her is the most accurate and damaging example of toxic narcissism that I can think of.
If you shove people into traumatizing confines to suit yourself then YOU are the only one crossing 'the line' in reality.
Everyone deserves better than that.
Crushing and violating others is not alright. It is not winning. It is merely living as one's own damage while doing more damage to others.
I know he is more than the ugly mess he settles for and puts others through. I suppose if he settles for less by continuing to harm people, eventually that lesser version will become all he really is.
I Should've Never had to Wonder
If he cared.
If he wanted me.
How he felt.
Why he wasn't responding to me, or ever checking in
If I'd ever see or hear from him again
If he meant it when he said "I love you", or just said it to get with me when he was bored or lonely
If I was only an impulsive choice made by a man who never wanted a girlfriend
If he moved down here to resume his relationship with Rose, and just happened to run into me and couldn't resist the opportunity to take what he thought I had to offer.
If Rose ever existed, or if the triangulation was mostly fabricated to hurt and control my emotions-make me insecure, sad and confused/ If the ex he kept talking about was just another person being led on and victimized by him.
If he was doing this to multiple women the entire time, and I was only ever another card added to the deck he likes to shuffle through when he's bored or realizes how empty he's made his life.
How many girls he's used and abused since breaking my heart a year ago
If he is pure evil, or just really troubled and dysfunctional
If anything he's told me was true
If everything good I think about him is a lie and my own biased hope/ fantasies
If he is capable of self-reflection or feeling minimal remorse
If he regrets ditching me last year, or if being without me was exactly what he always wanted
If our entire relationship was a complete fabrication by a hell-bound man lacking a soul and conscience
If the lovable man I think he is deep down even exists
If he thinks what he's done, and is continuing to do, is ok
The What-ifs
Things that kept me hanging on and hoping in the past, & even some of the weird concerns that pop up in my head now: