Love-bombing & Idealization
When codependents experience love-bombing, their low self-esteem is raised. They finally feel seen and appreciated, unlike in their childhood. They imagine a future free of their inner emptiness and loneliness with this ideal mate who will always love them.
Sections:
- Getting Hit by the Love-bomb
- Mirroring
- How Narcissists Play Games to Seduce & Abandon You
- How Narcissists Use Future-faking to Manipulate You
- Attachment Styles
- Solutions
Getting Hit by the Love Bomb Feels Amazing
Despite the façade of confidence and independence, narcissists feel empty. They require constant reassurance or "narcissistic supply" from those around them, but, it's never enough to fill their emptiness or satisfy their hunger.
Their sense of self is determined by what others think of them, they try to control what others think to feel better about themselves.
Thus, love bombing is a means to seek attention, to boost their ego, and fulfill self-enhancement needs for sex, power, and control.
When they're depressed, have suffered a loss, or are disenchanted with their last conquest, they look for new narcissistic supplies.
For a narcissist, it's not enough to be liked or appreciated. It only counts when the other person has status or highly valued qualities, such as wealth, beauty, special talents, power, celebrity, or genius.
Narcissists idealize prospective partners to augment their own lack of self-esteem. The thinking is, "If I can win over the admiration of this very attractive or successful person, then I must be worthy."
Many narcissists employ seduction, engage in game-playing, and use relationships for self-enhancement.
Dating is intense and moves quickly.
The attention can be dizzyingly exciting to the recipient.
There's frequently excessive communication at the start.
The lavish attention and affection seem to be an answer to our prayers.
We've found Mr. Right - our soul mate - unsuspecting that we've been targeted by a narcissist.
The bomber abruptly changes colors and loses interest, and our dream comes crashing down. The rejection is excruciating, especially at the height of romance.
It's a traumatic shock to our heart. We feel duped, betrayed, and abandoned.
We're confused and try to make sense of the nightmare that was once a dream.
What we thought was real was, in fact, a mirage. We search for answers, doubt, and blame ourselves, often losing trust in ourselves and the opposite sex.
Some partners are ghosted by their disappearing suitor, or are dumped by text, email, or a call.
Once the partner is abruptly rejected, they are bewildered by the coldness of the narcissist, who just recently expressed love and promised an amazing future together.
They may discover that they've been disposed of for a new prospect, cheated on, or two-timed all along. It's devastating and can be hard to let go, because all of the happy and wonderful memories.
It takes time to accept the truth of who the bomber really was. Denial protects victims from the painful truth that the relationship was not what they thought it was.
medium.com/narcissism-and-abusive-relationships/love-bombing-and-narcissistic-attachment-
Mirroring
What makes the narcissistic type so attractive to some of us?
A technique called mirroring.
Narcissists are the ultimate manipulators. Before they've met you, or in the first minutes of your meeting, they study you.
They observe everything about you and have the ability to read you fast. What your passions are. What excites you. What you crave in your life or what's missing from it.
Then they morph into that person and embody everything you want them to be.
They put the perfect mask on and mirror your desires and dreams, your hopes and beliefs back to you.
You think:
Wow! This person is amazing! I've never met anybody like them. He's The One!
It's a gut feeling you can't explain. The connection will be so deep and rapid.
They study you, then put on the perfect mask that mirrors your desires and dreams.
They become the fantasy partner that you've fallen in love with.
You can't explain it, it just feels right.
The relationship moves at an incredible pace. It will be a whirlwind romance.
They're great actors, who ape those feelings.
They know exactly which mask is required depending on the person or the situation. And they can wear a lot of different masks at the same time.
When you first meet a narcissist and you express feelings about things, have opinions about things or love a certain food or music, they'll mimic that.
Suddenly they will talk like you, love the same things you do, feel the same passionate beliefs about the things that you do.
What they've read and observed and studied about you they reflect back to you. That's why it feels amazing. It feels right and so good.
They will keep doing that as long as it takes to hook you in, and entangle you into the relationship.
They'll keep love-bombing you and making you feel amazing within yourself.
They keep acting the part of the perfect partner for however long it takes for you to be really enmeshed in that relationship.
If you at any point are still questioning their bad behavior when they let that mask slip for a second - which they do at the start - then whoosh! the mask will come back up and they'll reel you in again.
If you are somebody who immediately sees through them and calls out that their behavior is unacceptable and put boundaries in place, they'll probably disappear. They'll read the signal that you are somebody they can't manipulate. They don't want someone like that. They need someone they can manipulate, whom they can use as a source of supply.
https://themindsjournal.com/narcissist-mirroring/2/
Narcissists are the ultimate manipulators. Before they've met you, or in the first minutes of your meeting, they study you.
They observe everything about you and have the ability to read you fast. What your passions are. What excites you. What you crave in your life or what's missing from it.
Then they morph into that person and embody everything you want them to be.
They put the perfect mask on and mirror your desires and dreams, your hopes and beliefs back to you.
You think:
Wow! This person is amazing! I've never met anybody like them. He's The One!
It's a gut feeling you can't explain. The connection will be so deep and rapid.
They study you, then put on the perfect mask that mirrors your desires and dreams.
They become the fantasy partner that you've fallen in love with.
You can't explain it, it just feels right.
The relationship moves at an incredible pace. It will be a whirlwind romance.
They're great actors, who ape those feelings.
They know exactly which mask is required depending on the person or the situation. And they can wear a lot of different masks at the same time.
When you first meet a narcissist and you express feelings about things, have opinions about things or love a certain food or music, they'll mimic that.
Suddenly they will talk like you, love the same things you do, feel the same passionate beliefs about the things that you do.
What they've read and observed and studied about you they reflect back to you. That's why it feels amazing. It feels right and so good.
They will keep doing that as long as it takes to hook you in, and entangle you into the relationship.
They'll keep love-bombing you and making you feel amazing within yourself.
They keep acting the part of the perfect partner for however long it takes for you to be really enmeshed in that relationship.
If you at any point are still questioning their bad behavior when they let that mask slip for a second - which they do at the start - then whoosh! the mask will come back up and they'll reel you in again.
If you are somebody who immediately sees through them and calls out that their behavior is unacceptable and put boundaries in place, they'll probably disappear. They'll read the signal that you are somebody they can't manipulate. They don't want someone like that. They need someone they can manipulate, whom they can use as a source of supply.
https://themindsjournal.com/narcissist-mirroring/2/
How Narcissists Play Games to Seduce & Abandon You
To a narcissist, relationships are considered transactional, like buying and selling. The goal is to get what you want at the lowest price. It's a self-centered, business mindset. Emotions don't intrude.
In relationships, narcissists focus on their goal. For a male narcissist, that's usually sex or to have a beautiful woman at his side. A female narcissist may be looking for material gifts, sex, acts of service, and/or an extravagant courtship.
It's important to understand a narcissist' mind. They see relationships as a means to get what they want, without concern for the feelings of the other person. Their only concern is what they can get out of it.
Relationships are used to enhance their ego and give them what they value, such as status, power, positive attention, esteem, and sex.
You have to have something to offer to receive in return. They're only motivated by that, and aren't interested in you as a person or doing anything for you without some sort of payment.
An exclusive commitment, caring, and intimacy that most of us seek in relationships are considered drawbacks to a narcissist, who likes to keep options open. Sex and intimacy are not usually linked for them.A relationship with a narcissist will never develop into an I-Thou relationship or even one based on love.
Signs of Game-Playing
Research shows that narcissists' style is Ludus love, and their objective is to enjoy uncommitted pleasure.
They're playing a game, and winning is the goal. This strikes the perfect balance to get their needs met from multiple people, without many demands on them to be emotionally intimate or to meet other needs of their partner(s).
Some examples of game-playing are:
- Being hard to reach or ghosting (disappearing)
- Going hot and cold; e.g. pursuing then distancing, such as slow to return calls or texts, or only sending short, impersonal texts
- Making promises they can't or don't keep
- Lying or being slippery and hard to pin down
- Being very seductive and moving fast in the beginning
- Refusing to discuss the relationship
- Flirting in front of you
- Hiding you from friends and family
- Expecting you to mind read
- Withholding feelings or sex
- Blaming you and playing the victim
- Not calling or texting first
Game-Playing and Love
Good social skills allow them to make a good initial first impression. They're engaging, charming, and energetic, and research reveals that they possess emotional intelligence that helps them perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions.
In fact, one study revealed that most people like narcissists when they first meet them. It was only after seven meetings that they started to see the narcissist's darker side and changed their opinion. Many narcissists are adept at attracting and entertaining people. They're not considered boring!
It's easy to be seduced by generosity, expressions of love, flattery, sex, romance, and promises of commitment. This is how narcissists manipulate you to achieve their aims. They brag about themselves in order to be admired, loved, and gratified.
Codependents with low self-esteem are easy targets. You might fall into the trap of idealizing them, sacrificing your needs, and little by little tolerating their increasingly self-centered and abusive behavior.
Narcissists can be persuasive lovers. Some practice love-bombing by overwhelming you with verbal, physical, and material expressions of love.
While some remain single, narcissists often marry and develop Storge or Pragma love. But that may not stop them from seeking the thrill of continuing to play games with new conquests. They may not intentionally lie when confronted, but they're skilled at deception.
For example, a narcissist might tell you that you're her boyfriend, but later you discover she has another "boyfriend," and she'll deny she ever lied. He will say he was working late at the office, but omit that he had a romantic dinner his paramour.
Narcissists who also have psychopathic traits are more nefarious and dangerous. They're capable of gaslighting, exploitation, and criminal behavior.
Narcissists prioritize power over intimacy.
They loathe vulnerability, which they consider weak.
To maintain control, they avoid closeness and prefer dominance and superiority over others.
Game-playing thus strikes the perfect balance to both get their needs met and keep their options open to flirt or date multiple partners.
When they lose interest and decide the game is over, it's devastating to their ex, who can't understand what happened and is still in love.
Breakups are especially hard during the romantic phase when passions are strong.
Being dropped after love bombing can leave discarded partners in shock. They feel confused, crushed, and betrayed. If the relationship had continued, eventually they would have seen through the narcissist's seductive veneer.
Narcissists can develop positive feelings toward their partner, but without deep love, they lack the motivation to maintain their façade and romance. That's when fault-finding begins. They can become cold, critical and angry, especially when they don't get their way. Eventually, they must look elsewhere for their narcissistic supplies.
What to Do
There are steps you can take to protect yourself from becoming a victim of a narcissist's games and changing the relationship dynamic. If it doesn't improve, it may take courage to leave, but it's painful then being left.
- Knowledge is power. Not only information about narcissism, but learn about your date before you start fantasizing a romantic future and give away your heart. Pay attention to words and actions over time, not just flattery and words of love. (See "How to Spot a Narcissist.") If you're uneasy or suspicious, trust your gut.
- Walk away from a date who doesn't respond, seems too busy, preoccupied, or interested in you.
- Talk about distancing behavior. Share your feelings, and find out what's going on. You may learn that your date is seeing other people, just wants to have "fun," or doesn't want a commitment.
- Take control and confront bad behavior, such as unreliability, criticism, and rudeness. This requires the ability to trust your feelings, to be assertive, and to set boundaries. Confrontations aren't ultimatums. Instead, learn to do it strategically.
- Don't be available 24/7. If you're a man, restrain yourself, and don't call or text multiple times a day in the beginning of a relationship. If you're a woman, do not chase a man, period! Stop calling or texting him first. If he disappears, you can confront that, but the bottom line is that his behavior speaks volumes. Remember, not only are there other fish in the sea, this one is toxic!
https://medium.com/narcissism-and-abusive-relationships/how-narcissists-play-games-to-seduce-and-abandon-you
How Narcissists Use Future Faking to Manipulate You
Future faking is one of the most prominent yet subtle tools used by people with strong narcissistic tendencies and other dark personality traits. Indeed, if you've had the misfortune to interact with a narcissist, you have certainly witnessed future faking in its most detrimental form.
So what is future faking, how does it work, and what does it mean?
What Is Future Faking?
Future faking is when a person lies or promises something about your possible future in order to get what they want in the present. It could be as basic as promising that they will call you later, and then never calling. Or it can be promising to go on a vacation with you, and then never taking any steps to make that happen. Or even promising to marry you, carry you off into the sunset, and living happily ever after, all in order to make you complacent and to control you in the present.
In the hands of a skilled manipulator, future faking preys on your dreams and goals in order to fabricate a possible future so that they can string you along in the now. These promises are destined to be broken, and can be seen as a form of overpromising and underdelivering.
Essentially, the manipulator will take very little action, if any, towards keeping their promises. Instead, they will keep promising and using other forms of coercive control, passive and active abuse, until you find yourself in such a state that it is easier to go along with whatever the manipulator wants.
So future faking is, fundamentally, promising a future that the manipulator has no intention of acting towards, making promises that they wont keep. Instead, they distort reality to get what they want from you now.
How Does Future Faking Work?
Narcissists and others who possess manipulative tendencies lie, but it is the nature of the lie to pay attention to here. In this case, future faking speaks to our hearts.
Our heartfelt desires, whether about marriage, children, work, happiness, traveling, fun times, anything really, and our heartfelt desires become weaponized in order to control us.
Eventually, the depth and the breadth of the lie keep you tethered to the manipulator. When you become wise to their broken promises, they may occasionally take some action to prove that its not as bad as you think. But as soon as you feel comfortable again, it is only more of the same.
This appeal to our emotions is so strong that it may truly fracture our concept of reality over time. By the time you have caught on, you may have sunk so much time, emotion, and energy into the relationship that you are unwilling and maybe even unable to disentangle yourself from the future faking spun around you. You simply go along with the manipulator because it is easier at this point.
The Consequences of Future Faking
This kind of manipulation is extremely harmful. Cognitive dissonance, self-erasure, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and of course, the feelings of loss for something that the manipulator never intended you to have all produce long-term, rippling consequences.
The manipulator may or may not believe their own lies, but your belief in their future faking appeals to their ego. If you stop believing them or call them out on it, they may lash out at you and force you into complacency. They may try to blame you and make you feel bad so that you would stay where you are. And if you become complacent, they will then know that they can get away with it. They will keep future faking until you don't accept it.
What Should You Look out For?
Narcissists and other manipulators are good at lying and pretending. Be mindful and critical of anything anyone says that seems too good to be true. Whether its coming from a prospective partner, a colleague, a boss, a family member, or even a friend.
If someone habitually and repeatedly talks about the future in order to make you complacent now, ask questions and don't let them distort reality. Observe if they work towards it, ask them to explain their plan, ask for updates, don't accept too many excuses, and see if its going in the right direction.
If you see that its likely just lies with no substance behind it, its just future faking and you will never have it, so act accordingly.
Examples of Future Faking
Example #1
Your new boyfriend or girlfriend has swept you off your feet. You have so much in common. They must be the one! You really want to buy a house within the next year and so do they. You two decide to do it together. You both start looking at houses, talking endlessly of the perfect house, the perfect yard, and the perfect dog. Even babies!
As far as you can see, there are no clouds on the horizon and it is smooth sailing ahead. You fall more and more in love. Yet, after six months they have not saved up any money. In fact, you have found out that they are in massive debt but you're not really sure why. They eat out all the time, buy expensive electronics, yet never seem to work. But you're in love with them, and they promise that from now on they will change, start to save money, and you guys will have the house, the yard, and the dog and babies! You decide that maybe this whole thing can wait. Love conquers all after all.
Example #2
Your boss has promised you a promotion. They keep telling you that you are perfect for a new position opening up, with new opportunities, and an awesome raise and bonus. They know it is more attuned to your intended career path because you have talked about it with them several times over the past year. You are very excited and envision all the benefits that are just around the corner.
However, over the next few months, you find that you have taken on more responsibility in preparation for your new role but there have been no benefits. The next time you talk to your boss about it, she reassures you its coming soon. Eventually, you see other colleagues promoted but not you, and you're not sure why. No one is answering your questions, but the promises keep coming. Eventually you stop asking questions, and your boss never mentions the promotion again.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2019/09/narcissist-future-faking#5
Attachment Styles
You have value in their eyes because they believe that they are finally going to get everything that they want in a mate. It’s all about them, not you.
The narcissist did not experience enough loving parent in his world to fall in love with. This parent-absence was a deep source of pain for the child and, later on, for the adult suffering with narcissism.
Narcissists doubt the reliability of others to satisfy their emotional needs, and base their self-esteem on the behavior and responses of others.
One study showed that people with an insecure attachment style were more likely to engage in love-bombing.
Both narcissists and codependents are able to adapt to the likes and needs of one another, but for the narcissist, it's a tactic of seduction, for the accommodating codependent, it's a way of relating and their personality style.
Most codependents also have low self-esteem and insecure attachment styles and seek relationships to validate their worthiness. Their unconscious belief is, "If I'm loved, then I must be lovable."
Although some codependents may behave in ways that appear needy and insecure, narcissists hide their neediness and act self-assured, in control, proud, and even cocky―like a male peacock flaunting his feathers. To insecure codependents, this display is very attractive. They're impressed and attracted to the traits they wish they had.
psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201704/the-narcissistic-love-script
Solutions
The good news is that we can change our attachment style. Meanwhile, it's important to go slow when dating.
Rushing intimacy doesn't rush love, only our attachment. It's an attempt to gratify personal, psychological needs. It takes time to know someone. That is how trust and love grow in a healthy relationship.
Mature daters won't use undue seduction, charm, or make premature promises and expressions of love. They take time dating in order to assess whether someone will be a good long term partner, and they won't want to disappoint or hurt him or her.
Stay connected to your body and your feelings. In the intensity of a new romance, question whether your "excitement" isn't really anxiety about rejection and uncertain hope about a rosy future.
Do you feel free to be open and honest and set boundaries or are you walking on eggshells? Are you complying to please your partner? In other words, can you be authentic, say "no," and express negative feelings? That usually takes time and trust.
Often codependents think, "I trust people until they give me reason not to." Mature individuals know that trust must be earned. Love bombers lie, but it takes time to figure this out.
Watch and listen to how your date treats and talks about others and his or her ex. Does he or she heap praise on you, but orders, blames, or disparages other people? Your date may one day treat you that way.