Created: 10/2020
Below the story, is a brief summary of our actual first encounter. It’s small, but still something I forgot to include.
Related Pages: Love Bombing & Our First Date
Meeting D.B.
How we got started in the first place. Well, that one hurts quite a bit in hindsight.
With an excessive amount of care and worry in my chest, I followed him after class and asked him if he was alright. He initially said he was fine, but then he quickly opened up and told me his father had recently taken his own life. He shared that being the one to discover him had triggered his combat-PTSD badly. My whole being felt like it sunk down within itself when I heard his heartbreaking words. It was a lot of information, substantially serious and tragic information. It was like my heart was being compressed. My entire body, all of me just wanted to hug him and take all of his hurt away. I know that isn't how it works, but I still desired it to be possible. So that's when I shared a little about myself. Not much yet, just that I understood and that what he was going through mattered. He said he was going to be alright and it didn't ‘matter.’ I told him, once more, that it did matter and that if he needed anything, or if I could help him in any way, to just let me know. He said thanks. Well..actually, he said, “Thanks homie” and gave me an awkward fist bump. That was a cute moment. I went home sad, like the loving weirdo I am. And THAT is how all of this began, and what I did to earn the abuse, abandonment, and his hatred.
When I saw this man, who was practically a stranger suffering, it shook me. I saw someone in pain. I don't want anyone to hurt. I would rather carry the hurt myself. This is not a humble-brag, because it is not a good thing. It is a problem. I struggle to understand when people are cruel to me, even though I would never dream of hurting them. Actually, I'd be willing to hurt for someone, even if I know they loathe me and want to harm me. This is NOT healthy. I’m working on it now that I see that it has led to major problems, such as being taken full advantage of by certain types of people.
This is embarrassing, but just as D.B. has issues, so do I. He has trouble controlling some very damaging reactions. Well, I do too.. I literally care far too much. I’m extremely sensitive. When I got home, I went straight to my room to process how awful the story D.B. told me was. I. Ummm. Well, pride be damned. I cried. I cried hard. My heart hurt for him. I HATED the thought of anyone having to experience what he was going through. What had just happened to his father was so awful.. I just couldn't..I was home alone, so I just let it out. I sobbed a tiny bit. Not for long, but I needed a moment and then a good 15-20 minutes of racking my brain to think of ways to help him. I couldn't think of anything, not for this magnitude of a tragedy. I was so upset knowing that there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him out. Out of sheer desperation to ease his pain, I offered prayers asking that some of his suffering be alleviated. I simply couldn't take knowing someone was having to experience something so incredibly wretched. A stranger, a random classmate, pulled those emotions out of me. I told you, I have a problem with caring too much. If anyone had told me a story like the one D.B. shared about his father, I would have reacted the exact same way. It would have hurt me, because anytime I know someone is suffering it hurts me. Especially if I see it on their face..
Caring THAT much, means you FEEL that much. That's a lot of feeling to take on. But I can never help myself. I hurt for him. I know that is not normal. I do acknowledge it is unhealthy to care to such a drastic extent, it has to be. But I just do. Now, keep in mind all of this was before I 'liked' him, knew him, loved him. This was D.B. as a stranger that I cared this much about. I'm sure you can imagine how well this tender heart of mine handled what was to follow-the severe psychological and verbal abuse, the callous mistreatment and discards, his cruelty and ever-present aggression. I didn't handle it well at all.
Later that day, he messaged me on Moodle(school website for students) regarding his appreciation, and stating how he was now a friend for life who would return an act of kindness like I had bestowed upon him. He included his phone number. I responded and gave him my number as well. He texted me shortly after.
Some how we ended up meeting up at the public library. When he showed up to meet me, he sat at a table across the room. He was fixed up, as was I. I was wearing a cute little 3/4 sleeve black dress, he had on a button down shirt and jeans. That’s fancy for him; he loves comfy clothing. I left the little cubicle I was in, and bounced over to him. We started doing class work. He seemed a little sluggish. He said he had stood in ants at the funeral without realizing it, and that his sister had to give him a shot in the heart because he is severely allergic. I thought it was strange, but too random to be a lie. His screensaver kept popping up as we'd work on a problem. He had the Alien queen as his laptop’s background. He acted embarrassed and apologized when I mentioned it. He quickly tried to adjust his compute settings to get the screen saver to stop appearing. I then possibly saw some Jaws ones as well. (I ended up buying him two Alien bobble heads shortly after we became a couple, because he had given me a Dwight Schrute bobble head at the beginning. I also edited the background of a picture he liked to have an Alien-theme..because I’m a nerd. That pic is at the bottom) We started back at the math homework we had been assigned online. I had already completed the chapter he was on, I didn’t say a word about that. He began asking which problems I wanted to work on; he was insisting I choose because he wanted to be considerate. That’s when I told him bluntly, "I just came here to spend time with you, so I really don’t care what we work on.” He looked shocked, and excited. He said, “ Oh.” The look on his face was priceless. I had gone there with the sole purpose of spending time with him. I wanted to know if he was ok after the heartbreaking things he had shared with me. I also wanted to get to know him if he wanted to get to know me too.
Right after I told him why I was there, he asked if I wanted to go outside with him. He told me we could leave all our stuff at the table because nobody would touch my stuff since I was with him. (Throughout the relationship, he frequently made mention of how so many people were scared of him. Like it was a good thing?) Once outside the library, we stood by his Jeep. We talked about a few things for an hour or so. I don’t remember much about that conversation. I remember not knowing if I was interested in him romantically or not. He smoked, strike one? He shared a little bit about being a veteran. Told me he had been in the Marines for ten years, and that they retired him due to him being diagnosed with combat-PTSD. We joked around about many things and laughed a lot. He complimented me some too.
When the library was closing, we had to go inside to get our stuff. He and I said goodbye. On my ride home I was confused. I didn’t know what to think. I hadn’t even gotten to know a new man in years. I didn’t know if we’d talk much more, or ever again. I reminded myself that liking a man wasn't truly an option. I was sure he'd not be interested, have a girlfriend already, or show me he was a jerk. That is what I was counting on, to feel safe.
The following evening, (or maybe that evening?) we ended up having a six hour phone-date. He coined that term. It was amazing and we were both openly sharing our sudden, strong fondness for one another. We discussed our hurts, our goals, and our sources of joy. I remember well when he asked me what my ideal date would be. I told him, “Honestly, just for the man to be kind to me.” I told him that it wasn’t as boring as it sounded, and that it would mean the world to me for a man to simply be nice to me. I said how much I would appreciate that, because I’d never actually been taken on a real date in my adult life. And that the two relationships I had been in lacked all kindness. He said that my answer made him sad, and that he would figure out a way to take me on a lot of dates. He asked playfully, “What do you think about my idea for this phone-date, pretty good right?” I happily agreed, because the phone-date was going so well. I felt at ease. I walked outside midway through the call to listen to him while under the stars. I was taking this brand new experience all in. Simply allowing myself to enjoy myself. My son forgot I went outside and was freaking out in the house..Uh oh. I found that out later, when I went back inside nearly an hour later.
The fondness and the fun of speaking with D.B., it was so sudden. I couldn’t believe how much I liked him! He was funny, talkative, open, interesting, romantic, and had struggles I could identify with. He told me he couldn’t wait to see me because the first thing he wanted to do when he saw me again was give me a big hug. He said great things. He said he wanted to go to church with me..that he had been struggling with “the big guy” because of all he’d done overseas and all he'd been through. He laughed saying he’d stand out at mass with his appearance (covered in tattoos.) I assured him he wouldn’t, and that going to church isn’t for other people or what they think anyway. He told me he wanted to join my counseling appointments one day, as long as I was ok with it, because he knew he actually needed it too. He shared that he was a drummer. He spoke of his family members. He told me about his love for golf and crazy golf-attire. We spoke about what felt like EVERYTHING. We just ‘clicked.’
That six hour phone date was very enjoyable and overwhelming for me. Something was getting started between us. I was struck down, in a good way. I thought it would take more to open up my heart in that way to a man, but he had me desiring to let him know all of me-to be brave and try to trust a man again. I never saw what it was really going to turn into. I was hopeful, giddy, intrigued. I was almost, no..completely relieved of some invisible weight that had been pressing down on my heart for a long, long time. I just felt..lighter?
With an excessive amount of care and worry in my chest, I followed him after class and asked him if he was alright. He initially said he was fine, but then he quickly opened up and told me his father had recently taken his own life. He shared that being the one to discover him had triggered his combat-PTSD badly. My whole being felt like it sunk down within itself when I heard his heartbreaking words. It was a lot of information, substantially serious and tragic information. It was like my heart was being compressed. My entire body, all of me just wanted to hug him and take all of his hurt away. I know that isn't how it works, but I still desired it to be possible. So that's when I shared a little about myself. Not much yet, just that I understood and that what he was going through mattered. He said he was going to be alright and it didn't ‘matter.’ I told him, once more, that it did matter and that if he needed anything, or if I could help him in any way, to just let me know. He said thanks. Well..actually, he said, “Thanks homie” and gave me an awkward fist bump. That was a cute moment. I went home sad, like the loving weirdo I am. And THAT is how all of this began, and what I did to earn the abuse, abandonment, and his hatred.
When I saw this man, who was practically a stranger suffering, it shook me. I saw someone in pain. I don't want anyone to hurt. I would rather carry the hurt myself. This is not a humble-brag, because it is not a good thing. It is a problem. I struggle to understand when people are cruel to me, even though I would never dream of hurting them. Actually, I'd be willing to hurt for someone, even if I know they loathe me and want to harm me. This is NOT healthy. I’m working on it now that I see that it has led to major problems, such as being taken full advantage of by certain types of people.
This is embarrassing, but just as D.B. has issues, so do I. He has trouble controlling some very damaging reactions. Well, I do too.. I literally care far too much. I’m extremely sensitive. When I got home, I went straight to my room to process how awful the story D.B. told me was. I. Ummm. Well, pride be damned. I cried. I cried hard. My heart hurt for him. I HATED the thought of anyone having to experience what he was going through. What had just happened to his father was so awful.. I just couldn't..I was home alone, so I just let it out. I sobbed a tiny bit. Not for long, but I needed a moment and then a good 15-20 minutes of racking my brain to think of ways to help him. I couldn't think of anything, not for this magnitude of a tragedy. I was so upset knowing that there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him out. Out of sheer desperation to ease his pain, I offered prayers asking that some of his suffering be alleviated. I simply couldn't take knowing someone was having to experience something so incredibly wretched. A stranger, a random classmate, pulled those emotions out of me. I told you, I have a problem with caring too much. If anyone had told me a story like the one D.B. shared about his father, I would have reacted the exact same way. It would have hurt me, because anytime I know someone is suffering it hurts me. Especially if I see it on their face..
Caring THAT much, means you FEEL that much. That's a lot of feeling to take on. But I can never help myself. I hurt for him. I know that is not normal. I do acknowledge it is unhealthy to care to such a drastic extent, it has to be. But I just do. Now, keep in mind all of this was before I 'liked' him, knew him, loved him. This was D.B. as a stranger that I cared this much about. I'm sure you can imagine how well this tender heart of mine handled what was to follow-the severe psychological and verbal abuse, the callous mistreatment and discards, his cruelty and ever-present aggression. I didn't handle it well at all.
Later that day, he messaged me on Moodle(school website for students) regarding his appreciation, and stating how he was now a friend for life who would return an act of kindness like I had bestowed upon him. He included his phone number. I responded and gave him my number as well. He texted me shortly after.
Some how we ended up meeting up at the public library. When he showed up to meet me, he sat at a table across the room. He was fixed up, as was I. I was wearing a cute little 3/4 sleeve black dress, he had on a button down shirt and jeans. That’s fancy for him; he loves comfy clothing. I left the little cubicle I was in, and bounced over to him. We started doing class work. He seemed a little sluggish. He said he had stood in ants at the funeral without realizing it, and that his sister had to give him a shot in the heart because he is severely allergic. I thought it was strange, but too random to be a lie. His screensaver kept popping up as we'd work on a problem. He had the Alien queen as his laptop’s background. He acted embarrassed and apologized when I mentioned it. He quickly tried to adjust his compute settings to get the screen saver to stop appearing. I then possibly saw some Jaws ones as well. (I ended up buying him two Alien bobble heads shortly after we became a couple, because he had given me a Dwight Schrute bobble head at the beginning. I also edited the background of a picture he liked to have an Alien-theme..because I’m a nerd. That pic is at the bottom) We started back at the math homework we had been assigned online. I had already completed the chapter he was on, I didn’t say a word about that. He began asking which problems I wanted to work on; he was insisting I choose because he wanted to be considerate. That’s when I told him bluntly, "I just came here to spend time with you, so I really don’t care what we work on.” He looked shocked, and excited. He said, “ Oh.” The look on his face was priceless. I had gone there with the sole purpose of spending time with him. I wanted to know if he was ok after the heartbreaking things he had shared with me. I also wanted to get to know him if he wanted to get to know me too.
Right after I told him why I was there, he asked if I wanted to go outside with him. He told me we could leave all our stuff at the table because nobody would touch my stuff since I was with him. (Throughout the relationship, he frequently made mention of how so many people were scared of him. Like it was a good thing?) Once outside the library, we stood by his Jeep. We talked about a few things for an hour or so. I don’t remember much about that conversation. I remember not knowing if I was interested in him romantically or not. He smoked, strike one? He shared a little bit about being a veteran. Told me he had been in the Marines for ten years, and that they retired him due to him being diagnosed with combat-PTSD. We joked around about many things and laughed a lot. He complimented me some too.
When the library was closing, we had to go inside to get our stuff. He and I said goodbye. On my ride home I was confused. I didn’t know what to think. I hadn’t even gotten to know a new man in years. I didn’t know if we’d talk much more, or ever again. I reminded myself that liking a man wasn't truly an option. I was sure he'd not be interested, have a girlfriend already, or show me he was a jerk. That is what I was counting on, to feel safe.
The following evening, (or maybe that evening?) we ended up having a six hour phone-date. He coined that term. It was amazing and we were both openly sharing our sudden, strong fondness for one another. We discussed our hurts, our goals, and our sources of joy. I remember well when he asked me what my ideal date would be. I told him, “Honestly, just for the man to be kind to me.” I told him that it wasn’t as boring as it sounded, and that it would mean the world to me for a man to simply be nice to me. I said how much I would appreciate that, because I’d never actually been taken on a real date in my adult life. And that the two relationships I had been in lacked all kindness. He said that my answer made him sad, and that he would figure out a way to take me on a lot of dates. He asked playfully, “What do you think about my idea for this phone-date, pretty good right?” I happily agreed, because the phone-date was going so well. I felt at ease. I walked outside midway through the call to listen to him while under the stars. I was taking this brand new experience all in. Simply allowing myself to enjoy myself. My son forgot I went outside and was freaking out in the house..Uh oh. I found that out later, when I went back inside nearly an hour later.
The fondness and the fun of speaking with D.B., it was so sudden. I couldn’t believe how much I liked him! He was funny, talkative, open, interesting, romantic, and had struggles I could identify with. He told me he couldn’t wait to see me because the first thing he wanted to do when he saw me again was give me a big hug. He said great things. He said he wanted to go to church with me..that he had been struggling with “the big guy” because of all he’d done overseas and all he'd been through. He laughed saying he’d stand out at mass with his appearance (covered in tattoos.) I assured him he wouldn’t, and that going to church isn’t for other people or what they think anyway. He told me he wanted to join my counseling appointments one day, as long as I was ok with it, because he knew he actually needed it too. He shared that he was a drummer. He spoke of his family members. He told me about his love for golf and crazy golf-attire. We spoke about what felt like EVERYTHING. We just ‘clicked.’
That six hour phone date was very enjoyable and overwhelming for me. Something was getting started between us. I was struck down, in a good way. I thought it would take more to open up my heart in that way to a man, but he had me desiring to let him know all of me-to be brave and try to trust a man again. I never saw what it was really going to turn into. I was hopeful, giddy, intrigued. I was almost, no..completely relieved of some invisible weight that had been pressing down on my heart for a long, long time. I just felt..lighter?
Our First Interaction-
( *FYI* I originally wrote the wrong day for when we were supposed to meet up at the library- I'm completely baffled as to why I thought we went to the library on a Sunday?? It's been a long year y'all...Goodness gracious. My apologies. I’ll just say, it was in early February 2020-and not on a Sunday.😅 )
One day, while I was sitting on the floor outside of my History 202 classroom studying for an upcoming exam, D.B., a man I had my first class of the morning with, approached me. He squatted down in front of me and asked how I was doing in our shared class. He told me he'd overheard me talking to the professor after class. D.B. informed me that our instructor was holding study sessions at the public library. He told me that he himself had been going up there multiple times a week to complete assignments, study, tutor and sometimes receive extra guidance. I was doing my best to listen to him, but I was trying to study because I had made a C on my last test and was determined to make straight A's. So, I wasn't very engaged in the conversation..Which one of the reasons why I wrote that we never had a true conversation until later.
D.B. asked me if I wanted to know the times in which our instructor was up at the public library, or if maybe I would be interested in meeting up with him there to work on our assignments together. I politely told him that I would consider it, depending on the times. That is when D.B. gestured his phone towards me and asked if I'd like him to send me the times, or to just look at them on his phone. I told him I'd look as I held my hand out, and he handed me his phone with the hours displayed. I had a feeling he handed me his phone in hopes I'd put my number in (he confirmed this later on after we became an item) but instead, I dug out a scrap of paper and jotted the information down. I told him I'd likely only be able to make it on Friday or Saturday as I handed him his phone back. He said to just let him know if I needed help with the class or anything like that, and that he'd probably see me at the library that Friday or Saturday(I honestly cannot remember which day.) After he walked away I got right back to studying for my test.
I did decide to head up there on the day I told him I would. I felt he was interested in me, it made me nervous. I was a little hesitant, but I decided it couldn't hurt anything to just go study at a library with him. It was a public place! He was offering help, and if he happened to be interested the least I could do was get to know the guy to see if I could be interested too. Sadly, I showed up shortly before the library closed and D.B. had already left. We had not exchanged numbers yet, or picked a specific time..so I could not communicate with him to confirm anything.
I'm not going to lie, I did get pretty cute, and I was a little bit curious about who he was at that point. I had to reach out to my best friend before I decided to go up there, because even the thought of spending time with a man at a safe zone like a public library was a big deal for me. I had never been on a date, and had been avoiding men for close to a decade. D.B. had not hit on my in an obvious way..but he seemed interested, and that scared me. It wasn't a date, but I was going out of my way to meet up thirty minutes away from my house on the weekend with a man I didn’t know. It was out of my comfort zone. I didn't want to be chicken sh*t. So.. I was disappointed and flustered that I drove all the way out there for nothing. It wasn't his fault. I wasn't crushed or terribly upset. Just annoyed. My thought was " Oh well." But I did feel bad, because I had told him I'd be there, and shown up too late.
I was worried I may have hurt his feelings if he had shown up and waited for me. I didn't want him to think I just blew him off like a jerk...We had barely spoken, but I had no desire to be rude to him. I really wanted to see him in class the next school day to let him know I had shown up, but when I returned to class he wasn't there. I didn't get a chance. I was a little bothered by that, because I don't like the idea of disappointing or hurting anyone, even a tiny bit. I decided I'd tell him next time I saw him. I then forgot about it for a moment...I suppose because he was out of class then. When he did show back up to class, something was different. He seemed hurt and burdened. That is where the original writing above this starts-when I followed him after class to check on him. -
I think his father took his own life a couple of days after D.B. and I were supposed to meet at the library. All I know is that I arrived at the library too late, then he was out of class for a bit so I couldn't explain to him why I hadn't shown up. I failed to put this timeline together until now. It was a blur. I don't care how horrible I think D.B.'s heart is, or how evil his actions towards me were..I still hate what happened to him, and that he lost a parent in that manner. It still really upsets me. It hurts my heart.
One day, while I was sitting on the floor outside of my History 202 classroom studying for an upcoming exam, D.B., a man I had my first class of the morning with, approached me. He squatted down in front of me and asked how I was doing in our shared class. He told me he'd overheard me talking to the professor after class. D.B. informed me that our instructor was holding study sessions at the public library. He told me that he himself had been going up there multiple times a week to complete assignments, study, tutor and sometimes receive extra guidance. I was doing my best to listen to him, but I was trying to study because I had made a C on my last test and was determined to make straight A's. So, I wasn't very engaged in the conversation..Which one of the reasons why I wrote that we never had a true conversation until later.
D.B. asked me if I wanted to know the times in which our instructor was up at the public library, or if maybe I would be interested in meeting up with him there to work on our assignments together. I politely told him that I would consider it, depending on the times. That is when D.B. gestured his phone towards me and asked if I'd like him to send me the times, or to just look at them on his phone. I told him I'd look as I held my hand out, and he handed me his phone with the hours displayed. I had a feeling he handed me his phone in hopes I'd put my number in (he confirmed this later on after we became an item) but instead, I dug out a scrap of paper and jotted the information down. I told him I'd likely only be able to make it on Friday or Saturday as I handed him his phone back. He said to just let him know if I needed help with the class or anything like that, and that he'd probably see me at the library that Friday or Saturday(I honestly cannot remember which day.) After he walked away I got right back to studying for my test.
I did decide to head up there on the day I told him I would. I felt he was interested in me, it made me nervous. I was a little hesitant, but I decided it couldn't hurt anything to just go study at a library with him. It was a public place! He was offering help, and if he happened to be interested the least I could do was get to know the guy to see if I could be interested too. Sadly, I showed up shortly before the library closed and D.B. had already left. We had not exchanged numbers yet, or picked a specific time..so I could not communicate with him to confirm anything.
I'm not going to lie, I did get pretty cute, and I was a little bit curious about who he was at that point. I had to reach out to my best friend before I decided to go up there, because even the thought of spending time with a man at a safe zone like a public library was a big deal for me. I had never been on a date, and had been avoiding men for close to a decade. D.B. had not hit on my in an obvious way..but he seemed interested, and that scared me. It wasn't a date, but I was going out of my way to meet up thirty minutes away from my house on the weekend with a man I didn’t know. It was out of my comfort zone. I didn't want to be chicken sh*t. So.. I was disappointed and flustered that I drove all the way out there for nothing. It wasn't his fault. I wasn't crushed or terribly upset. Just annoyed. My thought was " Oh well." But I did feel bad, because I had told him I'd be there, and shown up too late.
I was worried I may have hurt his feelings if he had shown up and waited for me. I didn't want him to think I just blew him off like a jerk...We had barely spoken, but I had no desire to be rude to him. I really wanted to see him in class the next school day to let him know I had shown up, but when I returned to class he wasn't there. I didn't get a chance. I was a little bothered by that, because I don't like the idea of disappointing or hurting anyone, even a tiny bit. I decided I'd tell him next time I saw him. I then forgot about it for a moment...I suppose because he was out of class then. When he did show back up to class, something was different. He seemed hurt and burdened. That is where the original writing above this starts-when I followed him after class to check on him. -
I think his father took his own life a couple of days after D.B. and I were supposed to meet at the library. All I know is that I arrived at the library too late, then he was out of class for a bit so I couldn't explain to him why I hadn't shown up. I failed to put this timeline together until now. It was a blur. I don't care how horrible I think D.B.'s heart is, or how evil his actions towards me were..I still hate what happened to him, and that he lost a parent in that manner. It still really upsets me. It hurts my heart.
That's just the little bit I hadn't felt the need to include when I first started typing out Our Story. - Updated 4/30/2021
As mentioned earlier, here’s the pic I edited to have an Alien-themed background because he didn’t like the original. 🤓
