Narcissistic Relationships
Sections:
- The Narcissist's Partner
- Narcissists Run
- Empty Promises
- Giving to Takers
- Can Narcissists Love?
- The Cycle
The Narcissist's Partner
Although narcissists' partners feel loved when the narcissist partner bestows caring words and romantic gestures, they doubt his sincerity and question whether it's really manipulation, pretense, or a manufactured "as if" personality.
The abuser's partner will begin to feel tense and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, false accusations, criticism, and unjustified indignation about small or imaginary slights. Their criticisms escalate to abuse.
Victims of narcissistic abuse tend to absorb whatever is said about them as truth. In vain attempts to win approval and stay connected, they sacrifice their needs and tread on eggshells, fearful of displeasing the narcissist.
Daily they risk blame and punishment, love being withheld, or a rupture in the relationship.
They worry what their partner will think or do, and become as pre-occupied with their partner as they are with themselves.
Partners have to fit in to the narcissists' cold world and get used to living with emotional abandonment.
Soon, they begin to doubt themselves and lose confidence and self-worth.
Communicating their disappointment gets twisted and is met with defensive blame or further put-downs. The narcissist can dish it, but not take it.
Nevertheless, they stay, because periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted them return, especially when the narcissist feels threatened that break-up is imminent.
Narcissists don't like to hear "no" and often expect others to know their needs without having to ask. They manipulate to get their way and punish or make partners feel guilty for turning them down.
Trying to please the narcissist is thankless, like trying to fill a bottomless pit. They can make their partners experience what it was like having had a cold, invasive, or unavailable narcissistic parent.
Source: psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/all-you-need-know-about-narcissists-and-their-partners
Narcissists Run
When we first meet our narcissistic partner, the emotional connection is intense. We may not be aware of it, but an unhealthy attachment to them starts to form due to the unpredictable dynamics the abuser creates within the relationship.
We become dependent on the person who is hurting us. We need them to make us feel good after abuse. We numb our emotions. Our gut instincts no longer work and this only accentuates our denial. We believe our own rationalizations that the abuse isn't as bad as we think it is.
Their manipulative tactics are also designed to make us accept responsibility for their behavior.
We internalize this blame and rationalize that:
- If I hadn't done this or that, they wouldn't have got so angry.
- Had I not said this or that, the abuse wouldn't have happened.
We feel helpless. Confused. Trapped.
Conversations get turned around, so the abuser's partner feels sorry for them or thinks that they're wrong.
Narcissists cannot hear constructive criticism and withdraw, devalue or attack to avoid narcissistic injury or feelings of deflation. Often turning the problem around, so the partner is at fault. So raising issues is pointless. They cannot own their problems or take responsibility for them. It will be the partner's fault.
When injured or feeling inadequate, they will quickly discharge their feelings of inadequacy and put them onto their partner, so their partner doubts themselves and backs down from their point of view.
Gaslighting is used to make the partner question themselves or doubt their own reality, so their partner backs down from questioning them or having a mind of their own.
Partners walk on egg shells, feeling scared to speak their own minds, to avoid causing injury or narcissistic rage.
Eventually, the partner will give themselves up in order to appease the narcissist, going against themselves. Often many take on the narcissist's views, losing themselves entirely.
The partner can feel like an empty shell of a person, like the life-force has been sucked out of them.
The narcissist gets wounded when others do not agree or understand them, so they convince others to do so, without considering how others feel. The arguments become all about them.
Narcissists feel unable to tolerate when their partner has a different view or opinion from their own.
They expect others to read their minds, or to automatically know how they feel, in a state of one-mindedness. They think that others see things the same way they do, and are unable to appreciate that others have a separate self and mind of their own.
They often pressure for others to be on the same page as them, to agree with them or they force their view to be heard, and are unable to listen to others or consider other point of view.
They feel bitterly disappointed when their partner stops giving them supplies, or stops attending to their needs. When others do not prop them up, they are left with their impaired self that feels empty inside, so they attempt to re-fuse with them by trying to get supplies, so that the partner meets their needs or expectations.
The narcissist usually shows feelings of love at the beginning of a relationship when they are not so vulnerable, when fused with an idealized partner, who looks up to them.
When the idealized fusion is broken, they feel empty or inadequate in the relationship, and these feelings prevent them from forming a loving connection.
Having intimate conversations causes them to close up and become guarded, so that their partner doesn't uncover that they are not perfect. They are constantly protecting their grandiosity and feel disappointment when others do not treat them with high regard.
They actually believe that others are wrong and believe it is the relationship that makes them feel inadequate or flawed, not realizing that these feelings are inside of them. So they protect themselves by finding fault in their partner, so that they can escape these feelings.
They feel the victim of others mistreatment, believing their own illusions and often pushing loved ones away.
The narcissist seems incapable of love, and withholds emotional intimacy by covering their vulnerabilities with a façade of invulnerability to protect themselves from feeling hurt in relationships.
When wounded or hurt, they feel that others do not understand their pain. They will withdraw or attack to deflect the pain, unable to hear their partner or provide empathy for them, because they are protecting themselves from being judged.
Underneath they cannot tolerate the pain of hearing how bad they are, because deep down they are so self-critical.
They end up running away from themselves and escaping their feelings. Therefore they will be emotionally unavailable to the needs of others and so a relationship with them can be very damaging to their partner.
The narcissist expects that their partner will mirror their grandiosity and reflect how perfect they are, otherwise they devalue the relationship or find no need for it.
Whenever partners do not meet their needs, the narcissist feels disappointment in their partner.
They react in the following ways:
- They inflate their self or grandiosity so they fell better and escape the empty or inadequate feelings.
- Often the narcissist can use addictions, sexual acting out, affairs, and try to be the best or aspire to wealth or beauty to give them the ego boost.
Narcissists can feel bored and empty in relationships, due to the empty self, so they're looking for ways to satisfy themselves.
Yet, they feel that the partner is boring or not compatible, when they are not fulfilling their empty self, feeling deprived and feeling deserving of a more exciting partner.
The grandiose narcissist seeks constant supplies (beauty, money approval, admiration). Eventually, they will discard partners who do not fulfil their needs or who exposes them for not being perfect.
They cut off from their emotions, and cannot get close to anyone. To them love is about mirroring them as perfect and attuning to all their needs, which is unrealistic and cannot sustain the longevity of a real relationship.
Love is about making them feel important, not about the partner. Love is a one-way relationship for them.
Deflation of narcissists grandiose self causes them to be incapable of love.
When injured by their partner or when their partner disapproves of their behavior, the narcissistic partner will prove how good they are by defending themselves to avoid judgement, and prove that others are wrong.
They honestly do not understand how others do not see how perfect they are, because of their grandiose self.
Often, they believe they are right and their partner is wrong, they are very convincing and seem to draw people into being on their side, vilifying the partner. They can be very persuasive and attempt to present a perfect picture of themselves, which does not fit with reality.
Empty Promises
Have you ever met someone who seemed to say all the right things to win your heart but their actions rarely matches their empty promises or their proclamation of love?
If so, you may have been in a relationship with a Narcissist who can turn off love just as easily as they turned it on because they use fake love to use people.
A Narcissist has various past trauma and core wounds from their past. They hide behind a false mask they created for the world to see - of a more ideal person who is caring.
But the reality is far from it, they are self-centered and cruel. Often becoming like their abusers from their own traumatic past - they can be manipulative to the point of making their victims doubt their own sanity and self worth.
Many narcissists are so beyond damaged they are not at all concerned with self-improvement - they think they are perfect and have earned the right to get away with hurting people for their selfish gain.
Narcissists focus only on fulfilling their needs even if they hurt or destroy someone in the process.
Narcissists hate being alone, they hate looking within to understand their past trauma or currents actions - they prefer jumping from one relationship to another or even engage in multiple relationships at one time, while simultaneously lying to all the people involved in their relationships.
They are very aware of the consequences of their wrongful actions but what actually concerns them is calculating the risk of getting away with a misdeed - so that they can have their cake and eat it too.
That's when an Empath comes in- they are the perfect victim for narcissists.
Empaths are generous, giving, sensitive and are optimists who want to see the highest potential in everyone they meet. They literally feel the needs/ emotions/ fears of others - as their own - in their own bodies. They are the best listeners and are always attuned to what others' need - often ignoring their own needs in the process.
Empaths have also had a traumatic past but being so unconditionally loving and giving by nature - they feel the need to fix everyone around them because they subconsciously need help to fix their own traumas.
Thus, Empaths become the easiest prey for power hungry Narcissists.
Because of this need to drain emotional energy from others, narcissists are often called energetic/emotional vampires.
This depletion in energy can lead to empaths feeling emotionally frozen, anxious and depressed
- they feel like they are losing their sanity
- their understanding of what they need and what they don't, even their concept of reality.
A lot of Empaths find it really difficult to end these toxic relationships as they keep believing in the potential of the narcissist being good. They hold on to all the memories of being wooed by the narcissist and all the charming / loving things that were said in the initial courtship period.
The abuser would always say such wonderfully loving things every time they wanted something from their victim
- only to ignore them when they didn't need something from them..
The victims even make excuses for their abuser’s bad behavior - saying that the narcissist is a good person just going through so much stress that they cannot be blamed for their actions nor do they want to burden the narcissist with any of their complaints.
So these kind of empaths are unable to look out for their own needs or to have healthy boundaries - and either have low self worth or have this innate need to fix the narcissist.
httpps://www.theascensionhealer.com/post/2019/06/26/empaths-are-you-in-a-toxic-relationship-with-a-narcissist
Giving to Takers
When you first met the psychopath, you probably felt sorry for them. They had so many sympathetic qualities: their ex had mistreated them, they were insecure about the way they looked, they'd been so unhappy until they met you, and now they can't believe they're dating someone in your league.
This is where your empathy kicks in. You've done it all your life: you see someone feeling inferior, and you know how to make them feel better. You want to heal them. And so you put your-self down to raise someone else up.
The psychopath is like no one else, because they genuinely seem to adore all of your efforts.
Many survivors report not even being attracted to the psychopath at first. But with time, you begin to see them as the best looking person in the world. You can't even think of anyone else sexually. How did this happen?
By pouring all of your empathetic capital into healing their supposed insecurities, you come to a point where you actually start to believe in the power of your own kindness and compassion.
But that's not the problem and it never was. You know now that you spent all this time chasing a manufactured illusion: you were under the impression that they thought they were lucky to be with you. You probably didn't like that power dynamic, so you built up your partner in order to make them feel better.
And this is how they hooked you: with sympathy. If you perceive them as childlike, your natural instincts kick in, and you do everything you can to prove how much you care.
Psychopaths see them as a way to manipulate and control.
Empathetic people, on the other hand, seek to cure insecurities with love and compassion.
It's as if they declared "checkmate" when you thought you were playing checkers.
You are not just getting over a romantic encounter; you're rebuilding your self-worth from scratch. That's why you become so sensitive to the reactions of future partners.
Until you go through the recovery process, you will be bouncing around trying to find a replacement for that approval-something to give your life meaning again.
But there is good news here, and it outweighs everything else. Once you begin recovery, your life changes forever. You start to find overwhelming self-worth in your own values, behavior, and heart. Remember those negative people I mentioned above? Slowly but surely, they begin to disappear from the picture.
Can Narcissists Love?
With all of those points, it seems impossible for the narcissist to feel genuine love for someone, that is not based on serving their needs. In actual fact, I have seen many narcissists that feel deeply hurt when they feel rejected or unimportant by their partner, but they hide their feelings and cover them up, by devaluing the relationship, so that they do not feel the pain.
I often hear that intimacy is withheld by the narcissist, when the partner stops meeting their needs. This is because there is a break in fusion with the partner, who once idealized them or put them on a pedestal.
When they fall off of the pedestal, and their true colors appear, this causes the narcissist to feel shame, pain and deflation in their grandiosity. They rely on the judgments of how their partner see's them, to hold up their fragile self esteem, despite the fact that they appear unaffected by them.
The narcissist falls apart when others stop seeing how perfect they are, so they devalue the relationship as a way to cope, often withholding from emotional intimacy, and so someone who is narcissistic can seem incapable of love. Can someone who is narcissistic really be capable of love?
Are Narcissists capable of love?
In actual fact many narcissists struggle to let go of the relationship, and leave to recover from a wound, and then come back, but do not know how to show love because it hurts to make themselves so vulnerable, when their partner is so outraged by them. The worst thing for them is revealing their real vulnerable self, which makes them more susceptible to feeling hurt and inadequate, so they can easily run away from their feelings and push love away, so that they do not feel so fragile.
Behind the aloof wall of the narcissist lies a person who is so vulnerable and afraid of being hurt, that they develop defensive armor to protect them from their feelings, which gets in the way of developing intimacy and real love.
When narcissistically wounded and feeling criticized by their partner, they protect their vulnerably by pushing away love.
Narcissists lack a form of empathy.
They have the basic impulses we all have.The basic emotions and feelings such as fear or anger. But they often lack the sophisticated feelings, that rational side that most people have.For example, most of us can temper anger with the rational adult logical side of us that says that this base impulse is not great to let get out of control.
We can see a disaster on television and feel empathy and sadness for the victims as we can feel other people's pain. This what is known as emotional empathy.
They can't feel them in the same way. But they can see it in other people. They can read this reaction, even if it's not innate to them. In fact, they make up for this lack with a brilliant ability to read others and mimic this behavior.