Written: 10/2020
 

Never Enough

Sections:

• Dear D.B.
• I Was Told
• Related: 
  — His Speeches 
  — How He Fooled Me

I wanted to love you as selflessly as possible. I was constantly trying to become a better person so I could have more to offer you, to give you all the love and joy I thought you deserved. I tried so hard to talk less, feel less, need less.
  

I hated the constant feelings of guilt and anxiety I had. I always thought I was hurting you, surely that was why you were lashing out and then ignoring me. You'd tell me you had to put too much effort into putting up with my "crazy shit." I accepted the blame. I figured I must've inadvertently hurt you by being overly sensitive, and you were just handling it the best way you knew how.
 

Any time you were cruel I'd rationalize it.. I'd remind myself of the recent tragedy you had experienced when you found your father after he took his own life. I'd think about your triggered Combat-PTSD. I also knew that the unprecedented pandemic and quarantine trapping you at home had to have been adding to your stress and unhappiness too..There were so many things that made me sad for you. Things that made me want to help you, love you with all my heart, and simply be there for you in whatever way you needed me.
  

All I wanted was to give you all I had to offer, but it was never enough. Everything I did was always all wrong. I was not adding to your happiness and being a good partner—That's how I felt, because that's what you expressed. I wanted to be so very good to you. I wanted to be honest, open, caring, devoted, loyal, and fun for you.
  

You'd explain why you would often be gone for days..You told me it was due to you needing to isolate yourself and cope with your triggered combat-PTSD. Thus, I tried my best to educate myself so I could be considerate of your struggles and needs. I purchased books and ebooks. I studied. I practiced great patience and settled for feeling alone and anxious.
  

When you told me you were struggling with alcoholism I didn't abandon you, even after you blamed your drinking for one of the worst incidents from our past. I looked into weekly al-anon meetings for myself so that I could cope better with demands while being helpful to you.
  

I did research on how addiction ties into PTSD, and on how many combat veterans struggle with emotional intimacy. I did research on all of the issues you told me you had because you mattered to me. I wanted to understand and be supportive. I thought that was what you were supposed to do for people you care about...give them your devotion, honesty, and compassion. I didn't want to give you anything less than my very best, because I thought you deserved the world.
  

I now understand how unhealthy it was of me to focus solely on your happiness and ignore my pain.. But I loved you and I thought always putting you first was the right thing to do, especially with what you'd just been through. I didn't want to admit that the constant sense of dread, misery, and confusion was because of your neglect and mistreatment. I could not accept that. It was too much to process. I wanted to believe you when told me "It's all in your head." I did believe you.
  

I convinced myself that you needed my support and understanding more than I needed the affirmation and affection I was yearning for. So anytime you were gone for several days to a week or more, I'd spend the entire time trying to figure out what was wrong and what I could do better once you were back in communication.
  

I was constantly trying to figure out ways to be better there for you, love you better, treat you better, anger you less, and stop caring about how I felt so much.
  

I tried to push my feelings down because focusing on how hurt or lonely I was made me feel ashamed of being 'so selfish.'
 

It made me feel insane because you had me convinced I was freaking out over nothing and that I was only upsetting you by being upset. So, I'd quickly turn my attention back to your needs and happiness, and ignore my own.
 

I always wanted to add to your life, never take away. I never wanted to let you down, because I know how terrible being pushed aside and not cared for feels. I never wanted that for you. I still don't. Somehow, I failed to notice you were doing that to me the entire time.
  

I was always there for you. I don't regret it. I loved you the way I've always wanted to be loved—with loyalty, patience, kindness, availability, sincerity, determination, passion, selflessness, respect. Yet, you kept saying I was a huge bother.
 

Sometimes I was your everything. You'd tell me I brought much needed joy to your life.. Other times, I was whichever accusation or insult you were in the mood for. You'd label me dramatic, crazy, manipulative, selfish, suffocating, dishonest, clueless.
 

Whenever I did occasionally decide to bring up my own needs, it never went over well at all.. You'd get so angry and disgusted with me. Sometimes I'd stand up for myself at the start..but by then end  of each fight I would always be convinced that I was a terribly selfish and insane girlfriend who was only making things worse for you.. even though all I wanted was to make your life better.
 

You told me I was making everything worse. I remember starting to cry when you said that harshly to me on the phone. It hurt so badly because all I had been doing was trying my very best to be everything you needed and requested of me..I felt I had failed you and that I was too stupid to treat you right, even though that was all I wanted to do. I was constantly striving to do right by you.
 

I had lost you, the man I felt such a strong connection with, and the effortless communication that could last for hours..the desire you had to get to know me. It was all gone almost instantaneously, but I thought it was due to stress from your recent life events.
 

I thought if I was patient enough, loving enough, worth enough, you would come back to me. You never did, with the exception of brief glimpses here and there towards the end. Small doses of the man I spent time with that first long romantic night walking around campus. Something that was likely all an act..
 

You gave me almost nothing for two months straight at one point, but it was just enough to keep me hanging on. I thought you were struggling. I hated that for you. My heart hurt for yours. I couldn't stand the thought of you in pain. For some sick reason, I still can't.
 

You kept me hanging on calling me the best girlfriend you ever had.. by telling me you really cared about me a great deal, but that you were just in a really bad, dark place. You'd assure me you'd be available to me again soon. You repeatedly stated that my patience with you while you were getting yourself back together meant so much to you.

You'd take back all of the ugly things you had said before. You'd explain how you knew you were wrong. You'd admit your mistakes and claim that they were caused by your failure to properly handle the many horrible things beyond your control that were upsetting you..
 

The words you took back never got out of my head because you'd always end up throwing them at me again. Still, I believed in you each time. I adored you, the bad parts and the good. All of it. Because it all came together to make you, you —the person I had chosen to love.
 

I kept trying to morph into someone who wouldn't make you so angry or unhappy. I tried desperately to master and diminish all the parts of myself you pointed out as being burdensome to you.
 

I didn't want to add anything else negative to your life because you already seemed so weighed down. I tried incessantly to lift you up.
 

So here I am now..once again, I don't know what to believe. Well, I do, but I don't want to believe it at all. You meant so much to me. When you barely spoke to me you always had an explanation I blindly accepted as fact. I trusted you. I believed in you.
 

You said were struggling with your combat PTSD.. You constantly said you were going through something tremendously difficult.. You'd claim that's where all your energy was going, and why you were so hostile. You always said it was temporary, and that things would get better again soon.
 

You frequently promised a new, positive normal for our relationship was on the horizon.
 

You kept me waiting for you.
I was endlessly waiting to be treated right, and to have an available partner.

I wanted to relax and be happy, but you wouldn't let me. Nothing was ever alright. You were always on the verge of some crisis or collapse. I was always told to leave you alone and remain painstakingly aware of your exhausting needs (orders). You never allowed anything about our relationship be simple, positive, or certain.
 

Your heartbreaking stories, and your constant claim to me amidst an internal struggle, kept me a nervous wreck. All you did was keep me ashamed of myself and worried sick about you..
 

You left me completely alone in the chaotic hell you customized for me, even though you knew I was practically killing myself trying to make life easier for you.
 

You knew how much I cared about you and doing what was best for you. You knew I was trying to help you and avoid upsetting you. I fought tirelessly to improve myself in hopes of meeting your unsatisfiable standards.. I did everything I could for you and for us, but you never did anything for our relationship other than make sure it caused me horrific damage.
 

Anytime I let you know how badly it was starting to hurt to be unable to understand or avoid your incapacitating cruelty, you made me feel like I deserved or created the overwhelming pain and confusion that was destroying me.
 

I was given nothing, but I kept giving you everything.
 

It is hard to believe in the few good times we had, now that I am able to reflect on everything.. Honestly, I don't believe in any of it anymore. I believe I was fooled. That was not a pleasant realization to come to. To put it mildly, it was devastating.
 

You could've easily been seeing other women or doing anything else you wanted, because caring for me didn't occupy your time the way a normal relationship would have. I didn't get any of your time, but somehow you still managed to suck all of mine away.
 

Even after all the ugly ways you hurt me, I defended you until the very end. I was fiercely protective of you. When my therapist began to suspect I was in an abusive relationship, I became so infuriated at her most respectfully mild implication. Thankfully, my annoyance and denial didn't stop me from following her advice. She instructed to start keeping a record of everything. Now, with the aid of my records (memories, journaling, calls logs, texts, emails, letters) I can see it all more clearly.
 

I reflect on how you barely communicated for months, displayed bizarre disturbingly cold behavior, and would be terribly harsh by speaking to me like I was undeserving of basic decency.. I have been able recognize an awful pattern that I wish could be unseen..
 

I was repeatedly ignored, lashed out at, threatened with your departure, periodically romanced, then abandoned after you'd blindside me in a particularly vicious manner-over and over again. The feeling of utter helplessness, which the debilitating shock from your extreme actions left me in, was literally traumatic. The worst of those massive shocks was on your 40th birthday.
 

You never left respectfully by saying we just didn't work out... nor did you ever hold a basic conversation for closure. 

It was never a non-dramatic, normal break up. (those are difficult enough as is) We never ended it because we simply drifted apart or were incompatible. 

No. Instead you'd be sure to tell me it was all my fault for not being what you deserved, for being too bad of a person, for being too aggravating and too crazy. It always ended with a verbal assault that I never saw coming. It was never a normal ending.
 

You went from love to absolute hate in the blink of an eye, and made sure to let me know that your complete hatred was exactly what I deserved.
 

All of my love, devotion, forgiveness, time, support, commitment, energy, suffering, tolerance of your temper, patience with your avoidance, my efforts to always be good, fair, and understanding... I would be spoken to as though none of it ever existed, and as though the loving moments we shared together never happened at all. Probably because those moments I cherished never meant anything to you.
 

I was spoken to like I was nothing.

I was spoken to with such strong disdain or unsettling indifference, as though I'd committed the worst crime imaginable against you. I was spoken to like I was worthless, evil, and deserving of torture. I was spoken to in ways I have never spoken to another human being in my entire life. But somehow you judged that I deserved it..
 

You frequently enforced what you deemed to be the proper punishment for disappointing, or 'disrespecting' you by failing to do what you thought I should have done in the way you knew I should have done it. I had to be shown that it was time for me to fall back in line or be annihilated.
 

There was no in between with you. Your way—or done.
 

I can't adequately articulate how low and broken I felt each time you attacked my character and devastated my heart right after convincing me everything was perfect again..
 

You'd attack, destroy, and exile me right after getting me closer to you and reassuring me that I was safe...
 

I would go from being held in your arms with adoration, to being struck down violently like an unwanted pest.
 

It was a profoundly painful experience.
 

It hurts more now to know that you likely enjoy knowing that. I still do hope you have the ability to hold onto something good and meaningful. Everyone deserves that.
 

I'm not sure what you expected me to think or conclude after all of this, and I am positive you don't give a single..care. This last time you reappeared you said you were going to show me that I was wrong about why you abused me, and about what was and wasn't real in our relationship. Then you abandoned me by being cruel and cold, yet again. You went straight for the jugular, as usual. Well, that fits your usual pattern..just as giving in to you always fit mine.
 

Why do I keep letting you do this to me, and yet I somehow feel like I am the one who was, or is, never enough for you? 

This is a sad thing. You are the one who put it in my head. You let me know that I was too crazy, too dramatic, too needy, suffocating, wrong, chronically blaming you for no reason, pushing your buttons..You said these things so frequently that I believed you, and still do sometimes.
 

Your least favorite was my 'finger pointing'/ blaming'.. Whenever I expressed that your behavior (abruptly vanishing, ignoring me for days, or harshly ridiculing me with shocking accusations and degrading names) hurt me..you'd make me feel incredibly guilty. You'd do so by becoming irate saying that "this blaming has got to stop!!!"
 

You'd masterfully blame me for blaming you in order to bury the real issue; to deflect, avoid accountability for all wrongdoing. Many times you'd apologize right after being aggressive and then offer a very depressing story as an explanation as to why you weren't available to me..The reasons/stories you provided were always so sad that you knew I wouldn't have the heart to 'push' for more (AKA- stand my ground, resolve issues, get legitimate answers or any attention/care from my boyfriend).
 

I'd be taken from knowing what happened wasn't alright and wanting to resolve the issue, to thinking I was selfish and unhinged. I was telling you the hateful behaviors had hurt me, but somehow all the focus would be diverted to how me stating I was hurt and wanting to work through it with you, was me being selfish, crazy and pushing blame.
 

I wanted to talk to you about the pain I was in, and understand why what happened had happened at all... I wanted to make everything make sense and be alright for both of us. 

You would then either act like I simply didn't exist, or you'd harshly lash out, tell me how I awful I was for always placing blame on you and that I was going insane over things that were all in my head. You said, "That's the kinda shit you can't do in relationships!" You'd say it must've been because I hadn't dated much and didn't know any better. (I know enough to know that in a healthy relationship, a partner cares if their actions hurt the other..I know it is not ok to completely refuse all communication with your significant other, especially when you know they are in pain already and that 100% ignoring them for days will only make them feel tremendously worse. I also know a caring, committed partner wont say that he loves you and wants to marry you, then less than 72 hours later say he met someone better because you're "too fucked up" for him-via text message. I know that on a loving boyfriend's birthday he wont refuse all forms of communication until 6pm just to then verbally assault you, end the relationship(again), and tell you he wanted you dead because he didn't like how you let your child make him a card too-which you included in a gift bag containing your love letters, homemade card, and personalized artwork. I know that much.)
 

Any incident of you doing something unacceptable (abusive) would never be resolved. You could do no wrong. You believed attacking me was justified, because I had 'attacked you' first by stating I was sad or hurt because you did something unkind (e.g. HERE). Me letting you know that even the most horrible of incidents had hurt me, would incite your rage as you called my concerns an 'attack,' 'unloading,' or 'selfish pointing.'
 

It meant nothing to you that I'd make it abundantly clear I was not angry with you or blaming you for my current emotional state. I'd even be sure tell you that I knew it was possible that I was misunderstanding the situation! I made it clear I simply needed your input and a basic conversation to be able to understand the situation and move forward. That's how people should communicate to resolve conflict or to learn one another better, is it not?
 

I would be incredibly open about the sadness and confusion each harsh incident caused, and I'd only ask you for healthy communication so we could figure it out together. I wanted to compromise the way you are supposed to in a relationship, not compromise my integrity and well-being. Yet...your refusal to give anything back left me doing all of the hard work alone, experiencing distressing levels of pain, and acquiring psychological damage as I was receiving absolutely no care in return- Instead, I was given your anger, neglect, and blame.
 

You would act more spiteful towards me than my worst enemies ever have, simply because I'd ask for open communication. I wanted for you to care enough to discuss anything with me other than how miserable you were, or how awful you thought I was. It didn't make sense. It meant nothing to you, because I meant nothing to you. Yet I loved you, and you said you cared for me..
 

You would refuse to provide me with anything that would give me peace of mind or a sense of security. Only your extreme disapproval of my needs and feelings mattered. You would make me feel so terrible, confused, and ashamed of my own thoughts and emotions. This happened frequently, in fact..it happened every single time I tried to discuss any concern I had, or even if I asked for a casual conversation to catch up because I missed you.
 

If I approached you with my hurt feelings, or any feelings at all, I'd always pay for it because you'd insult, shame, and ignore me to ensure that I'd end up hurting drastically worse than before. I suppose that was your way of making me give up on being treated correctly. It worked. I was scared to speak up, for I was repeatedly shown what line not to cross.
 

I was shown that my needs were offensive or asinine to you.. That I was selfish. 

I was aggressively guided (manipulated) into behaving 'correctly'(AKA-how you wanted me to.) It hurt.

It took very little for me to slip right back into an old routine I thought I'd never find myself in again, and I did so without even realizing it. That's terrible. I never imagined on that first date that you would be the one to pull me back into that type of situation. I didn't know you, but I thought I knew enough at that point. I just trusted you. I should have known better, and now I do.
 

Anyway, this terrible experience with you brought my focus to something important that I didn't realize existed. So...thank you? I wish I had made what was in my best interest a priority while we dated. You accused me of doing just that anyway, anytime I wanted anything that you didn't.
 

We both threw me on the back burner. That was both of our faults. But I did so with good intentions(unhealthily sacrificing myself for your well-being), and you did it...well, for selfish gain.
 

At least now I know that I was enough, and that I am. 

The only thing there wasn't enough of in our relationship was love and consideration from you.
 

Somehow you made me feel like a worthless burden.. 

You made it out as if you were gracing me with your presence, and I was the one dragging you down...Somehow, you always get to walk away expressing that sentiment exactly through your final stinging insults. Even though I am the one who was being pushed down, disrespected, neglected, and treated like I was nothing the entire time, not you... 

I was the giver in the relationship, perpetually giving to you while getting nothing in return but hurt-You know that..You've said that.
 

You even had my website suspended, the one full of heartfelt writings about the love and heartbreak I personally experienced while with you...Because no matter how unhealthy it was, my time with you meant something to me. It feels as though you are still trying to take my own experiences and healing processes away from me. Don't worry about it, just like what you are probably already doing. ha.
 

I know you have no desire to be helped because you think the world is wrong, not you. Nobody can alter everything they find unfair in this world, but anybody can change parts of themselves to better adjust and thrive in it as is...Peace isn't possible if you hold onto so much hate. Once again, can't 'fix' that for you. You probably like it broken..But then again, my caring about all of that is what got me caught up in this trouble in the first place, isn't it?
 

I cared too much, you hated too much..Not the best combination. Like your relative said, we cancel each other out. l don't want you to be miserable, I don't think you are..but even if by some miracle you can feel enough to hurt, I can't do anything about that. So I'll put it out of my mind the best I can.
 

I will never understand why you want to continue taking away from me and hurting me. I've given you enough. I gave you everything..You have broken my heart, mind, and spirt enough already. I don't know how you can you hate someone so much who does nothing but love you no matter what you do, or what you have done. I just don't understand, and I will never be able to. I'm thankful not to harbor such contempt in my heart.
 

I will NEVER want bad things for you. I will NEVER hate you or think you are without worth. You hurting me and your recent harsh words didn't flip my love to hate..not even a little bit. I am not wired that way. Actual love doesn't instantly vanish due to adversity. In this case, the type of love has changed, but it's still there.
 

Sadly, my big heart and care for you wasn't worth your time, effort, or even minimal respect.. because to you, I will never be enough —even though I am.
 

You may still wish me the absolute worst, but am wishing you the very best. I was never after anything other than reciprocated love and your happiness by being with you.
 

Your happiness always took priority with me, but feeling so completely alone while I was giving so much of myself to you was no easy or painless task for me. You played your game and won, but you lost me. Luckily for you, you're too oblivious to what you've actually lost to be pained by it.
 

I hope you always feel wanted, appreciated, and respected. That's all I wanted but could never get, no matter how much better I tried to become in order to meet your needs, or how hard I loved you.

You were only ever willing to give me your harshest hatred when I made it clear I was offering you every single bit of my love. It was never my fault your empty heart felt hollow. I pray one day you'll be able to feel and have more.
 

Goodbye D.B.

If I wanted to enjoy your company,
I was told you were too busy.

 
If I shared thoughts of depth or substance,
I was told I was being dramatic or manipulative.

If I had an experience you did not like,
I was told it was not valid because you didn't think I should've had it.
 

If I requested clarity, 
I was told I was suffocating you or being high maintenance.
 

If I wanted to discuss a relationship issue,
I was told I was being crazy or overreacting.
 

If I asked for effort,
I was told you already had too much going on in your life to provide me with any.
 

If I would be weak or in need,
I was told nothing because you would then cut off all communication.
 

If I let you know what you did hurt me,
I was told I was being selfish and pushing blame.
 

If I said you were incorrect,
I was told the most brutal thing you could think of to crush me.

If I sent you sweet thoughts or apologies during days of unnerving silence,
I was told absolutely nothing as I'd wait for the 'punishment' to end.
 

If I asked for reassurance that it was safe to place my heart in your hands, 
I was told you would show me everything I had ever dreamed of.
 

If I expected to see the amazing things you had promised come into fruition, 
I was told I would never see them due to the fact that there was something fundamentally wrong with who I am.

If I shared my worst fears,
I was told to watch as you brought them to life through your actions
 

If I became angered by the overwhelming exhaustion of being ignored and belittled,
I was told I had no right to experience anger.

If I reacted to your abuse,
I was told my reaction was the source and fault of every single problem you were facing.
 

If I expressed not feeling secure after all of the chaos and unpredictability,
I was told my insecurities were all in my head

If I told you your mistreatment hurt me,
I was told it was only because I was already 'damaged goods' with too much 'baggage.'
 

If you admitted putting me through hell,
I was told the severe impact it had on me was not your responsibility, and that only my inability to process your abuse was to be held accountable.
 

If I forgave you and requested support to work through what you‘d done,
I was told I was crazy and that you didn't cause the outcome of your actions— I did.
 

If I said you were being unfair and cruel,
I was told goodbye