"Pathetic Rants"

 My 'pathetic rants' usually spewed out and became excessive during abusive episodes, like his stonewalling and hoovers.. The sections Provocation & His Pattern summarize the reoccurring catalyst which always resulted in my word-explosions.
  

He called my heartfelt and desperate attempts to be heard/understood pathetic rants— hence the title of this page. 

Why I
"Point at Him"

Writing is my way of reflecting on something complex in order to work through it. It has always been my main creative outlet. My writings about him are not merely about pointing out everything unacceptable he did. There's a purpose, a solid, non hate-fueled one.
 

It's my introspection, as well my attempt to comprehend the situation in its entirety. My words surely do hold him accountable for the abuse. I'm trying to stop taking responsibility for what HE DID to me.
 

If I keep blaming myself for what I didn't do, I'll be continuing the invalidation and belittlement of myself; which would be like he's still here. I can't live with his ghost.
 

My writings aren't driven by a desire to hurt him. I definitely hate the behavior and think poorly of him right now, but I'm not trying to hurt him with my words- He never actually cared about my thoughts, he isn't going to start now- thus, my disapproval, anger, and sadness won't matter to him. It never really did.
 

When I share details of his ugliness towards me, I'm not claiming to be flawless or saying that I hate him--I'm not, and I don't- It isn't to show strangers that he's a demon and I am some innocent, victimized saint. Those are inaccurate descriptions of both of us.
 

I am pointing out how he wronged me and how badly it hurt me because...I never knew what was real while we were together. I believed him, but what he told me was real never matched his actions or the misery I was in.
 

I got lost, and I thought the pain and chaos within the relationship was ALL MY FAULT. I was miserable..my chest is tightening just trying to convey what is about to follow.
 

I write out all of his wrongdoings because he denied them the entire time, and made me think I was hurting, crying, and breaking down for no reason at all.. That it was just me. Something was always wrong with me.
 

When I asked him for help to solve a problem his inconsideration and anger caused, he'd claim there was never a problem in need of solving. According to him, I was choosing to selfishly create them, because I was a problem.
 

He denied everything I felt or thought while we were involved. He let me know that whatever I felt or needed was a nonsensical attack on him. He let me know that my needs were unacceptable, and that I was wrong to think I knew how I felt and why I felt it.
 

When he did something abusive that caused me a lot of stress and pain I would try to kindly and cautiously discuss it. I would ask what happened, what I did or failed to do, if he was ok, if I could help, or if he could please help me by providing clarity, reassurance or even kindness..
 

If I tried to ask or speak about how badly he was hurting me in the most productive respectful manner possible..he tore me apart and made me believe I was tearing him apart at random because I was crazy, clueless, and selfish.
 

He made me HATE ME. I thought if I could just try a little bit harder I would eventually manage to do something right, and we would be ok. I tried with all my might and sincerest efforts, only to still always fail him somehow.
 

I felt like a terrible, insane, selfish, clueless, undeserving thing. I am trying to undo that. Dissecting it all through the written word and analyzing it bit by bit assists me with that..to a great extent. It is MY COPING MECHANISM... Just as being abusive is his.
 

Everything he did that caused me a great deal of pain is all being put out there, because I just want to know something again. I want to be sure of something, of myself. I want to know, I NEED to know, because everything I thought I knew he convinced me I didn't..and that I was an imbecile for thinking I knew anything in the first place.
 

Writing everything out straight from my journals and audio recordings helps me see it all more clearly. It gives me some sense of the reality that was hidden from me.
 

Seeing and knowing all the bad things he did, helps validate within myself that I was feeling tortured, miserable, lost and worthless for a very real reason that had nothing to do with who I am or what I deserved.
 

The abuse was not happening because I am a bad person who was doing something wrong. His cruelty is what was hurting me.
 

His abuse is why I felt so confused and miserable in a way which caused me to nearly stop functioning as a person, as the person I was before him. He killed her. While we were together I knew I died..but he kept telling me I was still breathing, and according to him my thoughts and feelings were simply getting it all wrong. 

My emotions were NOT wrong and crazy- they were real and right. I was right. 

It wasn't 'all in my head.’ -He lied.
 

I felt hurt because he was hurting me.
 

I was unhappy because he was making me miserable.
  

I felt confused because he was confusing.
  

I felt rejected because he was rejecting me.
  

I felt insecure because he made it unsafe.
 

I felt alone because I was in our 'relationship' by myself.
 

I felt unloved because his actions only showed selfishness or disdain.
  

I didn't imagine it. My emotions and pain didn't just materialize out of nowhere. It was his actions and my reactions. Yet he had me convinced my reactions to him weren't reactions at all; they were my actions in response to nothing. —A misunderstanding, an imagined intent, or I cared too much about something unimportant because my past made me too sensitive and dramatic.
 

I wasn't crazy. My pain mattered. It was real. I kept trying to push it down because he made me feel like my pain was all my fault, and that it was causing him pain. He caged me, tied me down, and told me I was unchained.. but inside I
wasn't ok. I wasn't free at all.
 

I was whatever he wanted me to be, but he never wanted whatever that was as soon as I would conform to it.

This is part of the complex reason why I rant and ramble. This is why I would 'unload' my thoughts onto him and why I 'point' share my story and feelings now.
 

This is why I am going through the stages of grief and cycling anger and sadness. I am healing and working through the process of reminding myself those feelings are real, that I am real, that I didn't do this to myself..and that what was done to me matters. I matter.
 

I am forgiving myself and working on removing the burden of taking all the blame he placed on me off of myself. I am trying to get free. I have to accept that he did what he did, and the fact that what he chose to do impacted me in a very ugly way.
 

I am pointing out his wrong..because it was very wrong and unjust. Because I am tired of being treated wrong and victimized.
 

I was victimized by him. I can say that with certainty, but I am NOT a victim. I am recovering, and my mentality isn't going to permanently be 'poor me.' But I am going to validate myself, my pain, and how I was wronged, because he never did and never will. IT WAS WRONG.
 

WHAT HE DID WAS NOT OK. IT CAUSED LEGITIMATE SUFFERING AND TRAUMA.
 

IT IS SOMETHING THAT HAS TO BE UNDERSTOOD AND SIFTED THROUGH.
 

ALL OF THIS IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO FULLY ACCEPT THE HARSH REALITY OF IN ORDER TO COPE, HEAL, AND MOVE FORWARD.
 

I can't minimize the severity of his actions and their consequence, deny it all, and avoid all I hate to see so I can completely alter reality to my liking and temporarily feel better- That is what D.B. does, and lying to yourself will not solve anything or allow you to heal and improve.
 

I can't accept something I refuse to admit happened, and if I don't allow myself to admit how wronged I was by him, I will never be able to face all of the uncomfortable hurt required to make it right.
 

He didn't allow me to hurt without guilt for hurting. He didn't let me be angry without guilt and anger towards myself. He didn't let me be happy without guilt because he wasn't or because what I was happy over was lame. He shamed all of my emotions, he shames all of me. He didn't let me be me. I lost myself. I became someone different. I refuse not to get back up. I deserve better.
 

I deserve to be myself and to feel alive again..to want to live again..To not be scared to care about others and be myself. Who I was, knowing that I lost her for a real reason is helping me get her back. 
 

I'm digging myself back out of the nightmare I've been entrapped in. I was coaxed in at first, and then violently pushed even further into the toxic muck with him repeatedly until that's where I thought I belonged. I thought that was where I deserved to be.
 

..I KNOW he is to blame and be held accountable for the abuse. He just refuses. I can't control or change him. That is alright. I am not trying to. He has free will, so he can be as horrible as he wants. He can do whatever he wants, and HE DOES.
 

He chose to behave in an abusive manner. He committed those wrongs against me. Which quite literally makes me his victim. I am not living that way. I was a victim of his abuse, but I am not a victim of this life, my circumstance, or this world. I will be ok. I will learn. I will heal.
 

But I am not blaming myself anymore. I am pulling out the shards of blame and self-hatred he left in me— ONE MASSIVE WRITING AT A TIME. ;) 

I don't care if that makes me insane to him. I have to decide who I am on my own.. His malicious and distorted view of me is irrelevant. Everyone's view of me is, actually. It isn't a show. It isn't a game. I just want to be ok so the hurt doesn't consume me. I want to be ok so I can be of use and capable of helping others, and so I can want to live again.
 

If that makes me pathetic and 'fucking crazy,' then so be it. I'll decide if that's who I am or not, because I decide- not him or anyone else. I am so much more than that; more than he could ever manage to see.
 

Knowing the reality of our relationship is a massive step towards knowing my place and worth again. My place isn't where he tells me to stand. My place is where I actually belong in life, and I don't belong anywhere disrespectful or full of contempt and insincerity.
 

Recovering from this abuse is starting with recalling the relationship and all the things that caused damage to me within it. The toxic relationship is a puzzle that I am getting as much clarity as possible by laying out all the pieces I have available- including facts about what he did to me and how it caused harm and made me feel. That's a start at least, and I refuse to stay still as a collapsed version of my former beautiful, loving, happy self.
 

I am taking action. Therapy to heal and address my own vulnerabilities whilst I redirect my faults, my website and words(which kind of ironically are an action), the way I interreact with loved ones everyday, and the way I am trying to get back to interacting with myself.
 

I am not sitting back solely blaming D.B. and just hating him in a little corner. lol I do get angry..very angry..but why shouldn't I? Wouldn't you get angry and feel wronged if someone hurt you, lied to you, betrayed you, treated you like dirt? Abandoned you and acted like a monster towards you when all you did was love them with all you had to offer??

I do blame him for hurting me, because HE DID.. If I don't accept what truly happened, learn from it, and become a wiser, stronger, and more selfless person every single day for the rest of my life- THEN I will blame myself. THEN I would have failed and done the worst kind of wrong. 🎤

Perspective
—Be Me

On a different note, I'd like to explain where I was mentally when I typed up my 'pathetic rants.'

Just use your imagination..You using it?? ..Here we go, you are going to be me. Ha. Just go with it-
 

The difficult man you love has shown back up and gotten you overwhelmingly conflicted. It has been a very tumultuous relationship.. He has been gone for four months. Last time he was around he did what he always does— he hurt you.
 

All the major holidays have just passed without him, and you thought about him during each one. He is someone you wanted to marry and have children with- at one point you thought there was going to be a baby.
 

You thought there were going to be a lot of beautiful things, but he destroyed everything and ran. Now he is back in the world he broke apart. He even went to therapy with you! Could he mean it!? Could you have been wrong about him.. You start thinking.. maybe he does care! You thanked him repeatedly and cried tears of joy and told him all about your appreciation..(because he has never really done anything for you. You're shocked.. but finally in a good way?)
 

Here he is, the man you loved after you thought you would never love again. You wanted to see him immediately. Sure..you know it isn't a good idea.. You now know he has been very abusive.. You know he will do it again and go..but for SOME REASON, you can't tell him no..because a big part of you doesn't want to tell him no.
 

When he comes back all of those wounds, the ache, misery and at many times sickening numbness.. it temporarily gets a little less heavy.. maybe even forgotten for a few moments..  You feel comforted... more whole. The denial kicks in.. followed by the familiar, foolish but oh so stubborn hope. When you two get together it is awkward, but better than all the time before when he was gone.

You want to be with him. You just do. No matter what you tell yourself, no matter how much you know it conflicts with what you SHOULD do... You feel like your skin is on fire if you try to stay away. It feels uncomfortable and almost unsettling to try to block him out. You almost can't take it.
 

You go to his place, cuddled, and watched a hilarious movie together. You felt like you could've peacefully fallen asleep if you'd stayed in his room.. which would've been wonderful because you haven't been able to sleep much since July.
 

This gentleman who has just reappeared in your life says he has big plans, or at least a great gift for your fast approaching birthday! He is going to be with you on that day. Wow, you imagine how grateful you would be for the gift of him staying and not hurting you. It is a little sad how much that would mean to you..because he should've been doing it all along. But..you're still dangerously excited. Having hopes around him is dangerous..they never survive. He kills them all. But you just fall right back into his arms and his lies.
 

You had been avoiding men and love for almost a decade. No dates, not one kiss or even a phone call in all that time.. This man you love swept you off your feet many months prior..he also crushed your spirit and joy into the ground and left you in a dangerous darkness that could have cost you your life. His hate left you in the darkest place you have ever been..and you have been some dark places in the past... But it's suddenly completely unimportant, because NOW HE IS BACK!
 

The man you love and have fought for, been long-suffering with, worried about, laughed with, planned with, held, and hoped with..he is back! After the hell of a year it has been due to COVID, the abuse, the loss, the shame, the feeling like you have failed all over again by being back in this type of situation.. The confidence that used to radiate from you now seems as though it never existed as a part of you in the first place.. Who you are is.. you don't know who anymore. It is a lot to bear. 

BUT here he is!❤️
 

He is back with beautiful promises..even some which are small but in no way small to you. No man has ever given you a gift on your birthday. No romantic partner in your adult life has taken you on a date or been kind to you..Sure, you only dated two other people..but still, that's all you know.

And here your love is. This guy..this complicated, unpredictable, wounded, and cruel guy you inexplicably adore. ..He came back and you just don't want to hurt anymore. You are exhausted. The pain is heavy and horrid. You want it to stop, you want to escape the hell he left you in. And now here he is, making you feel alive again..almost like someone again.
 

And then, just as quickly as he returned, he's gone..and you are now even worse off.
 

All those old feelings that had started lifting while he was away come crashing back down on you harder than before. And there is nobody there to help you put it back together. Nothing around to make things clearer. Just a mess of confusing thoughts..his harsh words floating around your head and taking ahold of you. All the self-loathing he threw you into months ago is back.
 

His birthday, it feels like that day is back in full force, like you are there again..like you are on the ground in your driveway on July 8th all over. It's like that moment never actually ended. You could swear you are there.
 

Everything inside of you feels like it is there, even though you are here..wherever here is. The pounding in your ears. The aches, the shakes, the dizzying confusion..It is just like you are in that day and that specific moment when it all hit you at once. .and nothing makes sense at all..all over again.
 

And this man you love, he doesn't care. If anything, he is amused. He is glad. He's done. He got what he wanted. And now he doesn't want you, because he sees nothing there worth his time. The same way he treated you the entire time you were a couple. But you'd forget all of that when he had finally softened his tone, held you, and seemed like the man you saw on that first date again.
 

You wanted to give him forever, he promised forever to you. You believed it, because you believed in him. He broke you, he came back, and then he broke you again. And nothing makes sense anymore.
 

The world that still was not even halfway back to right-side up from his initial flip.. it is now turned all the way back to the wrong side again. It is spinning in a dizzying, unknown new direction.
 

You are alone. You don't know who this 'you' is. You just want it to stop, be still, and be alright. He made it be alright, the hurt he caused..he made it steady a bit, the swirling was easier to stomach for a little moment with his kindess. But it left, and then he did.
 

He HATES you.

Of course he acts like none of this can be related to a consequence of what he did to you.. So conveniently for him..your break down and sympathetic nervous system spazzing out is definitely not caused by something proven to be severely damaging to someone's mental health -such as psychological abuse- but instead, he KNOWS that your little mental collapse is occurring solely because you are crazy..
 

No rational explanation for your current state other than that...Definitely not his fault. The horrid mistreatment didn't do it -no.. That is just a coincidence. You are obviously insane and he can do better.
 

He doesn't have to put up with this!! With you! Afterall, who are YOU anyway!? Nothing and no one who has ever been or ever will be of value to him. It's about what he feels will benefit HIM most..And currently he knows that's not the disgusting, pathetic mess that is you..a mess he didn't create. It was all you. It is you.
 

It is all your fault.

You did this to yourself.. And since you let this happen..you deserve to be exactly where you are at.. Suffering, breaking, lost. Not his fault. He didn't do anything but abuse you. That's all he did! No big deal. Nothing is a big deal, not to him.. He's seen worse. He's stronger. He's more. He's right, and without blame for his actions against you.
 

You deserved it..Why else would it be happening again? Something is so wrong with you. You are wasting space. You are clueless.
 

You're selfish, crazy, pathetic, unwanted, and a worthless hinderance....just like he tried to tell you and show you so many times before.. Look at what you did to him- to yourself. You can't do anything right. No wonder he hates you.
 

With all of those negative thoughts now taking over and consuming you.. He is saying things to try to destroy you, and doing something he knows for a fact has destroyed you before.. something he did..more than once. The worst was on his birthday..and now here's yours..and he is making sure your birthday is just as wonderful as he made his.. 

He does it all again easily. And he never looks back except to see how strong he is by having made a mess of you..and how weak you are because he took you down..which to him, makes him even stronger. It makes him the 'winner.' 

It was never supposed to be contest or a game..

Hope that helps provide context..or at least entertains someone. Or if Mr. D.B. reads it, he can get his ego boost and hopefully leave another poor girl alone for the few minutes it takes to read my page.
 

To conclude... all of that above is exactly where I was mentally when I wrote all the rants that will be placed on this page..where I was when I blew up his phone with my cycling emotions and pain.
 

Same thing happened each time he came back. He let enough time pass for me to almost forget the pain in between discards, then he'd come back with a hideous reminder just after I made enough progress to be feeling a little better than how he had left me..but not 100% He is an extremely cruel man.
 

I don't know how he can stand the thought of hurting people..but I guess that is because he truly can't feel or care...Which I suppose is why I feel he is barely a person. He is..full of something close to evil, if not evil itself. He is something other than how a person is supposed to be. There is no heart.
 

He is empty. And so, being with him starts to make you feel empty too, like you are disappearing.. and the transition into nothingness is not a smooth one
 

I never wanted to be better than him or to win the fights- I just wanted him. I wanted everything to be ok. I didn't talk about issues and try to solve them in an attempt to 'be right' and to 'win.'. There was no selfish-ulterior motive.
 

I wanted to talk about the problems to communicate, to compromise, to understand, to heal, and to love.
 

That's it. That's all I wanted, and all that I tried to do. I never had high standards while we dated, or else I would've left him a few weeks in, I only wanted to be treated right.. To be treated like an actual person. I never wanted to wrong him!
 

When he convinced me I had wronged him (by trying to share my thoughts and needs) I felt terrible and tried harder and harder to be better for him. To do right by him, always. Yet he wants me to suffer.
 

He wants me to be less. He decided I was less the first day we met. If he saw who I was, if he knew me on any real level..he couldn't have done what he did.
 

He thinks being colorblind and self conscious are problems he has, but the only thing that he actually needs to grow bigger and too see better with is his heart; I don't think it exists. And yeah, the last sentence was semi-lighthearted.

Provocation 

HIS PATTERN

A General Outline of His Hoovers:

(Rapid lovebombing, devaluation, gaslighting, narcissistic rage and a discard-all in under a week!) 

Text-ageddon Got Rough!

• Firstly, because that many messages wouldn't fit on this page. lol

• Secondly, some of it is not appropriate and/or is private. 

• Lastly, because I did not save many of the texts this time around-so obviously, the super embarrassing ones  weren't among the few I didn't delete off my phone. 
   

Texts & Emails from Hoover 4:
My Defiant Response to Stonewalling

MESSAGE:

MESSAGE:

Me Vs. You 10/2020

You  
psychologically abuse me and put me through emotional hell over and over again.

=I  
still love you, and never sought out justice or petty revenge.

 I  
express my anger and suffering through the written word on a passion project(website) to regain a sense of self and heal..I also let you back in again during my healing process

 =You  
hate me and try to leave as much damage as possible on your way back out the door again.