WARNING SIGNS

of machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy within a relationship

Sections:

RED FLAGS

FLATTERY LIKE YOU’VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE

Three Things Psychopaths Always Say

These phrases sound normal, but are really red flags that you could be dealing with a psychopath.
 

“You overanalyze everything.”

No actually, you're an emotional predator. Psychopaths will intentionally do things to make you feel on-edge and paranoid . When you question them, they accuse you over overanalyzing the situation. Psychopaths aim to make you doubt you intuition by constantly planting hints to make you feel anxious and then blaming you for having that anxiety.
  

“I hate drama.”

And yet, you'll soon come to discover there's more drama surrounding them than anyone you've ever know. And what's worse, anytime you mention your concerns or frustration, they'll declare their hatred of drama and make you feel bad for reacting to their horrible behavior.
 

“You misunderstood.”

This technique is also known as 'gaslighting.' In essence, it amounts to convincing the other person that the problem is all in his or her own head. A psychopath may even go as far as to deny a particularly problematic exchange ever occurred in order to suggest you're the crazy one. But be assured, you didn't misunderstand. They were being nasty, manipulative, or insane.

http:www.inc.com/jessica-stillma/3-things-psychopaths-always-say.html

13 Signs of a Psychopath

1.) He is incredibly charming, in exactly the way YOU find charming.

Need someone confident, outgoing and warm? The psychopath can do that. Need someone sensitive and a bit bumbling, but with a heart of gold? He can do that too. This charm causes you -his target- to fall under his spell while he focuses intensely on you. His focus is very pleasing to the mind and senses, and it disables your personal boundaries, your gut instincts, and your self-protective behavior (when you need it most). It induces a trance-like state-a pleasant relaxed and focused state of mind that leaves you open to suggestion. You will find yourself wanting to be back in the focus of his potent charm again and again.
 

This super human charm is often the first and ONLY early red flags of a psychopath, and it is exactly what makes it hard to walk away.* This charm stems from the psychopath's ability to be completely present as they focus on you while they figure out what makes you tick, what flattery you long to hear, and what buttons to push.
 

You'll feel like the two of you are the only things in the universe, and that you've finally found someone who appreciates you and understands you and sees the good qualities in you that others overlook too often. 

2.) He is a glib smooth talker. 

Never runs out of amusing anecdotes, and can make the most mundane topics seem interesting and entertaining. He usually does most of the talking. The purpose of this is to relax you and make you comfortable with him. 

3.) He will quickly divulge personal details and stories about his past and his life. 

This will create false sense of of intimacy that causes you to reciprocate with details about your own life so it seems like you two are getting close. After all, you've both shared personal things; you both risked judgement and rejection by being vulnerable, yet you've supported and accepted each other... 

4.) He is very much at ease.

He may have a demeanor of being anxiety-free and without any social awkwardness. Absolutely comfortable in his own skin. His ease puts you at ease - you feel comfortable with him, like the two of you have known each other forever. He's not necessarily attention-grabbing or life of the party, but he is very socially skilled. May come across as unassuming and soft-spoken while maintaining a distinct aura of confidence and presence. Especially watch for someone who exudes a black-leather and a childlike innocence at the same time. 

5.) He is fun to be with. Playful.

You have never had so much fun with anyone. You do things you never did before, just like little adventures that take you away from the mundane, and you realize how small and boring your life has became, and how stale the world had seemed. You've come back to life, and you didn't even know you needed to! Or maybe you did know it, and now along comes the perfect person to help you do it! 

6.) He claims to be a happy, easy going person, and he sure seems like one initially.

He may tell you nothing gets him down. Since a psychopath has no conscience and no anxiety it's probably true, but you'll see it in a different way and just be happy you haven't ended up with yet another neurotic mate 

7.) He is a very active person who is always on the go. 

He needs a lot of stimulation and can't tolerate boredom, so he can't stand being alone or sitting still. A psychopath is easily bored, but seldomly boring. 

8.) You feel very special in his presence.

You also feel that he's very special, fascinating and unique, unlike anyone you've ever known before. 

9.) You find yourself becoming deeply enamored with him very quickly.

He looks at you in a way no man has before; he keeps eyes on you and gives you complete attention. It feels flattering and seductive. Your insecurity about your attractiveness and likability vanish as if they never existed. 

10.) He showers you with attention and affection.

He'll be kind, considerate and complimentary. You may feel truly "appreciated" by someone for the first time in your life. It's all positive reinforcement all the time during the very early stage. You will not feel neglected at this point.

Although things may seem unusually intense, it will just convince you that this is the best relationship you've ever had and that he is your perfect partner. This stage is known as “love-bombing.” The manipulator will saturate you in as many ways as possible with love and adoration, so you don't have a moment to come up for air. 

11.) There will be big verbal declarations of appreciation and of their feelings about you and all your wonderful qualities.

He’ll talk about how lucky you both are to have found each other, and amazement at all the things you have in common! You'll believe it's the best thing that has ever happened to you, you won't even suspect you are being played. 

12.) You've become intensely physically attracted to him.

Even if you were not initially attracted to him, suddenly you feel an overwhelming, magnetic attraction to him more than you have ever felt with anyone else or even knew was possible. 

13.) He divulged his "true" feelings for you very quickly.

Telling you he is falling for you and has never experienced such love and attraction before that he never thought he'd fall in love again. And lo and behold, that's exactly how you feel! Your days of unrequited love are finally over.
 

The relationship will feel...magical. You're finally experiencing what it means to have found your soulmate, even if you didn't believe soulmates existed. He will tell you he believes you're "souls mates," meant to be," or say, "isn't it magic?" You'll feel that you never knew what love was before. You may have only known him for a month, but you're certain you'll be together forever. (He's likely already promising forever too)

Since they're able to mirror your needs and desires perfectly, they're able to create the persona(mask) of your perfect mate, but it is all an illusion.

If you've gotten to this point, there's a good chance the psychopath has already created a strong bond that is the necessary foundation for the manipulation and abuse that follows. 

How Narcissists Use Future Faking to Manipulate You

Future faking is one of the most prominent yet subtle tools used by people with strong narcissistic tendencies and other dark personality traits.
 

If you've had the misfortune to interact with a narcissist, you’ve certainly witnessed future faking in its most detrimental form.

Future faking is, fundamentally, promising a future that the manipulator has no intention of acting towards, making promises that they wont keep. Instead, they distort reality to get what they want from you now.
 

It could be as basic as promising that they will call you later, and then never calling. Or it can be promising to go on a vacation with you, and then never taking any steps to make that happen. Or even promising to marry you, carry you off into the sunset, and living happily ever after, all in order to make you complacent and to control you in the present.
 

How Does Future Faking Work?

Consequences of Future Faking
 

*This kind of manipulation is extremely harmful*

What Should You Look out For?

15 Things Narcissists Don't Do

1. They don't show their true selves 

2. They don't incorporate security into relationships

3. They never allow you to see them as the bad guy

4. They don't like losing control 

5. They won't let people prove them wrong 

6. They don't see others as equals 

7. They never have sympathy 

8. They don't do anything that doesn't benefit them 

9. They don't take orders from others

10. They don't like to admit they have feelings 

11. They don't listen 

12. They don't stick around 

13. They don't pick unattractive friends 

14. They don't give compliments 

15. They don't like to be polite 

https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/15-things-narcissists-dont.html

How Narcissists Play Games to Seduce & Abandon You

To a narcissist, relationships are considered transactional, like buying and selling. The goal is to get what you want at the lowest price. It's a self-centered, business mindset. Emotions don't intrude.
 

In relationships, narcissists focus on their goal. For a male narcissist, that's usually sex or to have a beautiful woman at his side. A female narcissist may be looking for material gifts, sex, acts of service, and/or an extravagant courtship.
 

Relationships are used to enhance their ego and give them what they value, such as status, power, positive attention, esteem, and sex.
 

You have to have something to offer to receive in return. They're only motivated by that, and aren't interested in you as a person or doing anything for you without some sort of payment.
 

An exclusive commitment, caring, and intimacy that most of us seek in relationships are considered drawbacks to a narcissist, who likes to keep options open.
 

Sex and intimacy are not usually linked for them. A relationship with a narcissist will never develop into an I-Thou relationship or even one based on love.

Signs of Game-Playing

Research shows that narcissists' style is Ludus love, and their objective is to enjoy uncommitted pleasure.
 

They're playing a game, and winning is the goal. This strikes the perfect balance to get their needs met from multiple people, without many demands on them to be emotionally intimate or to meet other needs of their partner(s).
 

Some examples of game-playing are:

1. Being hard to reach or ghosting (disappearing)
    
2. Going hot and cold; e.g. pursuing then distancing, such as slow to return calls or texts, or only sending short, impersonal texts
    
3. Making promises they can't or don't keep
    
4. Lying or being slippery and hard to pin down
    
5. Being very seductive and moving fast in the beginning
    
6. Refusing to discuss the relationship
    
7. Flirting in front of you
    
8. Hiding you from friends and family
    
9. Expecting you to mind read
    
10. Withholding feelings or sex
      
11. Blaming you and playing the victim
     
12. Not calling or texting first

Game-Playing and Love

Good social skills allow them to make a good initial first impression. They're engaging, charming, and energetic, and research reveals that they possess emotional intelligence that helps them perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions.
 

In fact, one study revealed that most people like narcissists when they first meet them. It was only after seven meetings that they started to see the narcissist's darker side and changed their opinion. Many narcissists are adept at attracting and entertaining people. They're not considered boring!
 

It's easy to be seduced by generosity, expressions of love, flattery, sex, romance, and promises of commitment. This is how narcissists manipulate you to achieve their aims. They brag about themselves in order to be admired, loved, and gratified.
  

Codependents with low self-esteem are easy targets. You might fall into the trap of idealizing them, sacrificing your needs, and little by little tolerating their increasingly self-centered and abusive behavior.
 

Narcissists can be persuasive lovers. Some practice love-bombing by overwhelming you with verbal, physical, and material expressions of love.
 

While some remain single, narcissists often marry and develop Storge or Pragma love. But that may not stop them from seeking the thrill of continuing to play games with new conquests. They may not intentionally lie when confronted, but they're skilled at deception.
 

For example, a narcissist might tell you that you're her boyfriend, but later you discover she has another "boyfriend," and she'll deny she ever lied. 
 

He will say he was working late at the office, but omit that he had a romantic dinner his paramour.  
 

Narcissists who also have psychopathic traits are more nefarious and dangerous. 

They're capable of gaslighting, exploitation, and criminal behavior.

Narcissists prioritize power over intimacy.
  

They loathe vulnerability, which they consider weak. 
 

To maintain control, they avoid closeness and prefer dominance and superiority over others.
  

Game-playing thus strikes the perfect balance to both get their needs met and keep their options open to flirt or date multiple partners.
 

When they lose interest and decide the game is over, it's devastating to their ex, who can't understand what happened and is still in love.
  

Breakups are especially hard during the romantic phase when passions are strong.
 

Being dropped after love bombing can leave discarded partners in shock. They feel confused, crushed, and betrayed. 

If the relationship had continued, eventually they would have seen through the narcissist's seductive veneer. 

Narcissists can develop positive feelings toward their partner, but without deep love, they lack the motivation to maintain their façade and romance. That's when fault-finding begins. They can become cold, critical and angry, especially when they don't get their way. Eventually, they must look elsewhere for their narcissistic supplies.
 
 

What to Do

There are steps you can take to protect yourself from becoming a victim of a narcissist's games and changing the relationship dynamic. If it doesn't improve, it may take courage to leave, but it's painful then being left.

1. Knowledge is power. Not only information about narcissism, but learn about your date before you start fantasizing a romantic future and give away your heart. Pay attention to words and actions over time, not just flattery and words of love. (See "How to Spot a Narcissist.") If you're uneasy or suspicious, trust your gut.
     
2. Walk away from a date who doesn't respond, seems too busy, preoccupied, or interested in you.
    
3. Talk about distancing behavior. Share your feelings, and find out what's going on. You may learn that your date is seeing other people, just wants to have "fun," or doesn't want a commitment.
    
4. Take control and confront bad behavior, such as unreliability, criticism, and rudeness. This requires the ability to trust your feelings, to be assertive, and to set boundaries. Confrontations aren't ultimatums. Instead, learn to do it strategically.
    
5. Don't be available 24/7. If he disappears, you can confront that, but the bottom line is that his behavior speaks volumes. Remember, not only are there other fish in the sea, this one is toxic!

https://medium.com/narcissism-and-abusive-relationships/how-narcissists-play-games-to-seduce-and-abandon-you

5 Things Psychopaths & Narcissists Will Do in Conversation

1) Confides in you immediately. 

He was betrayed by a wife who took everything but has succeeded in rebuilding his fortune. He's on retainer with the NSA: Can't get into it today, but you'll be reading about it in the news this year. Yes, he is married, but only because his wife is highly unstable; she would fall apart if he leaves right now. 

Whatever the disclosure, it comes before he even knows whether or not you are trustworthy. And it involves a way in which he is vulnerable or powerful; wholly transparent or movie-star mysterious. 

What's going on: The full-on disclosure is a bid for sympathy and for forced intimacy. His involvement in high-profile events "off-stage" is meant to impress. The more quickly you bond or become enamored, the more quickly the next phase of manipulation can begin. Whatever the content, a surefire warning sign is the premature timing. These individuals offer revelations before any intimacy has been established-maybe even within minutes of meeting you for the first time.

2) Repeats "confidential" information that he's already shared with you. 

The stories about the wife who took his fortune or the top-secret government contract may be repeated verbatim or near-verbatim from one encounter to the next. Sure, we all have our pet narratives and canned stories that engender eye rolls amongst those who have heard them multiple times. So pay close attention to the nature of the information that is repeated. article continues after advertisement

What's going on: If self-serving or self-aggrandizing information is repeatedly recycled, the individual is likely using a script, one that he's forgotten that he's already deployed with you. Psychopaths in particular are glib, and mendacity is their lingua franca. Sometimes they lie for no reason other than their own amusement. But they also lie to further specific agendas, and that is when they are most likely to go on auto-pilot in the delivery of false, scripted stories. Because people are interchangeable in the eyes of a psychopath or a narcissist-one-dimensional beings in whom they have no genuine interest-it can be hard for them to remember what they've said, and to whom. 

3) Asks no personal questions or asks very pointed questions. 

You may walk out of a social encounter or a date and realize you have not been asked one single question about yourself, despite having learned a ton about the individual (see above). Pay attention to the degree of informational asymmetry: Does he disclose an enormous amount without asking or expecting you to reciprocate? 

What's going on: If nothing is asked of you and no interest is expressed, then script delivery is the entire point of the encounter. If he asks a ton of questions but moves quickly from one to another, rather than allowing the conversation to organically unfold, he may be mining you for data, including information that can be used to gain a sense of your vulnerabilities. When chatting with a new target, psychopaths frequently strive to elicit information about stressors or life problems, so that they can ingratiate themselves with offers of assistance. This is an effort to gain your trust, of course. 

4) Asks for special favors. 

Asking for "special favors" is a DSM-V criterion for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder; so common is this behavior. While most people ask for favors out of genuine need or to build intimacy, narcissists and psychopaths are more likely to do so because they feel entitled to others' time and effort. They may literally use the term "special" to convey that you are on the receiving end of a privilege that they deign to bestow. 

What's going on: These requests can serve multiple functions; after all, psychopaths and narcissists are expedient as well as grandiose. They may simply see you as someone to be used in the manner best suited to their immediate needs. They may wish to create a dynamic in which you are conscious of your subservience. Your compliance with a request, however small, may be a test. You pass if you betray a willingness to be controlled or manipulated. Expect more and escalating requests, either out of pure Machiavellian utility or because such acts will further graft you to this individual. As intimacy increases, the psychopath in particular may become fixated on a target executing his request, as a clear test of wills. article continues after advertisement 

5) Makes odd asides about you. 

Off-the-wall statements may come couched as assumptions, positive or negative. You are discussing your family and he might say, "It must be hard to be the smartest person in the room." This won't compute-you've never said you were smart, nor characterized yourself relative to your family. Such a remark would not be intended merely to flatter you, but also to passive-aggressively put down your family. 

What's going on: Psychopaths and narcissists have no direct lock on uncharitable jabs. But when statements are made by people who do not otherwise appear blunt or obtuse, they may be deliberate attempts to destabilize you. 

This too can be a test, to see whether you will stand up for yourself, or whether you will do spade work to reclaim this person's kindness or affection, which may suddenly feel imperiled after an ugly remark. Cruel statements that are seemingly out of the blue can also signal the willful or absent-minded removal of the mask.  

Unpleasant remarks can be all of the above: Psychopaths and narcissists love to keep others guessing; it reinforces their power. 

The psychopath's default attitude toward others is one of disdain. This person does not like you, and he is in fact inwardly mocking you throughout the conversation.

Unkind remarks are but the first clue. Stick around and these statements will come faster and more furiously. 

Non-Verbal Clues. Those who have engaged with psychopaths or narcissists often retroactively report having had an initial feeling that something was off, but they did not heed it. Some actually said that they felt queasy or sensed a coldness in the individual, but brushed it aside because they wanted to like the person or were flattered by his attention. 

Neither a perfectly crafted mask nor the world's most charming repartee can fully camouflage a lack of emotional empathy, which is the defining hallmark of both psychopathy and narcissism. A person cannot wholly fake that which they do not experience, even if they say and do "all the right things." So while your conscious mind focuses on an individual's statements and conversational style, your subconscious registers possible discrepancies between that person's outward comportment and his hidden feelings. Stay attuned to both avenues of information if you suspect you are in the presence of a person who wants to manipulate you, or who is nothing like the entity they are conjuring in conversation. 

This post pairs two frequently overlapping disorders because the behaviors described are hallmarks of both a psychopathic/antisocial personality and of narcissistic personality disorder. The pronoun "he" is used throughout for the sake of simplicity.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brainstorm/201712/5-things-psychopaths-and-narcissists-will-do-in-conversation

12 Weird Things Most Narcissists Do

Warning Signs

Well, there are many outward signs that should get your Spidey senses tingling...

At first, they may come across as exceedingly charming and likable. You know...that person you just couldn't wait to see again because they made you feel so good?

However, if you dig a little deeper you might just notice that they:

• always bring the conversation back to themselves,
• tend to brag about their abilities or accomplishments,
• like to name-drop,
• are really quite superficial and are unable to truly be vulnerable...there is no such thing as a deep conversation with a true narcissist.
• are inclined to fish for compliments because of their exaggerated need for validation,
• can become hostile when criticized...even with constructive criticism,
• are perfectionistic,
• like to one-up everyone because they view themselves as superior,
• may not follow the rules because of their sense of entitlement,
• are incapable of self-reflection and unable to take responsibility for their own actions. They like to play the "blame game".
• are control freaks, so they tend to not communicate very well and certainly don't work as part of a team,
• posses an obvious lack of empathy of others...they truly don't know the meaning of the phrase "to put yourself in someone else's shoes".
• may be overly critical of others,
• lack boundaries, as part of their sense of entitlement,
• have a lot of superficial friends, perhaps on their social media accounts; however, they are severely lacking in close or long-term friendships or relationships.
• in general, they just leave a wake of wreckage behind them wherever they go...be it a series of broken friendships, intimate relationships gone seriously wrong, or horrible work experiences.

These are some of the outward signs you may be dealing with a narcissistic person; however, I want to dig a little deeper and look at some of the inward signals we really need to be watching out for. In other words, how they make us feel.

As I mentioned earlier, a narcissistic person will make you feel truly special at the beginning of your relationship. They may shower you with compliments, or take you on great adventures. They will make you feel so good that you may just ignore some of the warning signs.

You may even start to make excuses for their poor behavior..."he must have just had a bad day." Or..."wow, that person must have really hurt her." Or you may even take it on yourself..."I must have misunderstood."

After you're completely drawn in, the narcissist in your life is going to start changing it up and become manipulative. It will be subtle at first, but over time, you will start doubting yourself and may even find yourself living in a fog of confusion. You may feel like you just aren't good enough and can't do anything right. Your self-esteem will be stripped away and you will be forever walking on eggshells trying to appease the person who once made you feel incredibly special.

Sources: https://pathwaysfamilycoaching.com/types-of-narcissists/

Narcissistic Coping Mechanisms

Toxic people, such as narcissists, use a variety of dysfunctional coping mechanisms to feed their insatiable hunger for the emotional destruction of another. You'll want to watch out for the following common tactics they use so you can more quickly identify when you might be "under the spell" of a narcissist:

• love-bombing
• projection
• deflection
• distortion
• gaslighting
• triangulation
• splitting

Love Bombing

Before a narcissist can use the more manipulative "tools" from their belt, they must first earn your trust and admiration. They do this by love-bombing their prey.

What is love-bombing anyway? I mean, really...it sounds like a positive thing, doesn't it? Well, according to Psychology Today, love-bombing is the practice of "overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction...designed to manipulate them into spending more time with the bomber."

Let's just slow it down for a second and highlight the really important part of that definition that differentiates love-bombing from genuine affection...that is the intent to manipulate. Ultimately, love-bombing is not authentic...it is a rouse to earn your trust. And once they've gained your trust, they are in control.

What makes this technique so scary is that it occurs right at the beginning of your relationship with the narcissist, and it can be incredibly hard to tell if the person is bombing you or if they are being genuine. Add this uncertainty to the rush you get from receiving the affections, and love-bombing can become virtually undetectable.

So...how do you really know if you're being love-bombed? To better understand, let's first take a quick look from the perspective of the bomber. During this phase of your relationship, the bomber becomes laser-focused on you. They study what you like and mirror your deepest needs and desires. You become the center of their world, they perch you atop a pedestal, and go above and beyond to make you feel truly special. In reality, they are really grooming you to become addicted to their attention so you deepen your investment in them.

Let's now switch the focus and talk about some of the signs you should be looking out for when on the receiving end of this behavior...

• The relationship moves at warp speeds and the bomber may tell you they love you really early on...even within days of meeting you. Healthy and mature partners understand that love takes time to develop, and they will wait until they know they mean it before throwing around the L-word...even if they are strongly attracted to you.
   
• Bombers tend to express their love in extremes, and may come across as a little over-the-top when expressing it to you.
   
• They always tell you exactly what you want to hear, not because they genuinely care, but rather because they are playing off of your insecurities and can use all the sweet-talk to manipulate you later.
   
• If they do say something that elicits a negative reaction from you, they may tend to back-pedal from what they say. This is because narcissists are more concerned with how they appear than being genuine.
   
• They may constantly shower you with compliments; however, the compliments may feel shallow or ingenuine.
   
• They may give you an excessive number of gifts. In fact, what they are doing is just trying to buy your love AND make you feel like you "owe them".
   
• Although they treat you like gold (at least for the time being), they treat others like crap. This is probably the easiest sign to spot, but one that a lot of people ignore...speaking from experience here, when someone is making you feel really good about yourself, it's really easy to sweep some of their negative behaviors towards others under the rug. Don't do this! Do not make excuses for the way they treat others simply because they treat you well...because in all likelihood, that will be coming to a close soon enough.
   
• Even though you may feel incredible around the love-bomber, you may feel like something is a little "off". If your gut is telling you that it is too good to be true, it probably is.
   
• They want to move way too fast. Are they wanting to meet your family, move in together, or worse...get engaged in record time? This is a huge red flag. What they are really doing is trying to "lock down" the relationship.
   
• When you find yourself in a bad situation, their eyes will light up and they will play the hero. Not only will they swoop in to "save the day", they will also make a big deal out of it.
   
• They may keep asking about the crappy things in your life. Narcissists do this because they:
  • really do like being the hero and want to provide solutions to your problems
  • want to reduce your sense of self-worth
  • and the worst yet...they want ammunition for the abuse that will come later on in the relationship
     

At the end of the day, if you are being love-bombed, it is not going to last forever. Once the narcissist gets what they need, namely your trust, they will pull the rug right out from under you and move on to other manipulative tactics to use you to satisfy their own lack of self-worth.

Projection

Do you remember when they used to use those old movie projectors in the movie theaters? Projection is the same kind of thing with the narcissist being the movie projector and you being the screen. The narcissist will do ANYTHING to avoid taking ownership of their own negative behaviors and traits, and will displace them onto someone else. They will literally do something and say that someone else did it...a tactic you're probably all too familiar with if you're reading this post.

I actually had a psychologist tell me (during an evaluation) that my ex was saying that I was doing to him everything I was saying he was doing to me. So, I asked her how she knew who was telling the truth and her answer terrified me...she replied with, "you both are." Incidentally, she was the one who got it right, but that's a story for another day.

The scary thing is that not only will the narcissist fail to acknowledge their own flaws, they will typically project their own inadequacies onto you in a painful and cruel way.

Deflection

Have you ever heard of word salad? Word salad is kinda like watching a dog chase its tail, with the narcissist being the dog and their words being the tail. They continually talk in circles and the conversation quickly becomes a nonsensical conversation from hell. You may ask a question, and the response is about something completely different in an effort to deflect the conversation, change the subject, and cause you to forget about what you were originally talking about.

Narcissists love to use this tactic in an effort to confuse, frustrate, and distract from the original question or problem. Spending just 15 minutes arguing with a narcissist may just leave you feeling like you've lost your mind and wondering how the conversation even started. The goal...to keep changing the subject to evade having to accept accountability.

Distortion

Ever watch the Twilight Zone? Remember the rings of circles that make your eyes go all wonky? Apply that to your words, thought and actions so they favor my perspective, and I've just turned into a narcissist. Okay, not really, but you get the point. A narcissist will weave damaging and elaborate webs based on partial truths, all with utter and complete confidence, convincing others that they are spouting facts.

There are actually many ways that they will distort reality to suit their needs:

• mental filtering - they will amplify the negative and filter out the positive...in other words, they won't tell the whole story
   
• over-generalization - they will form (and have no problem sharing with others) a conclusion they have made based on a single incident
   
• jump to conclusions - they will make assumptions about how someone else feels and thinks, and what motivates them ; or will make predictions based on little or no evidence...they are a bonafide mind reader and fortune teller (yes, that was sarcasm!)
   
• catastrophizing - also known as magnifying or minimizing, they exaggerate the importance of insignificant events, or conversely, shrink the magnitude of important events (uh-ehm...if this doesn't cause courtroom flashbacks, I don't know what will)
   
• "should" statements - they will impose unrealistic expectations on others...what you "should" do, "ought" to do, or "must" do
   
• personalize - they take things personally when they have nothing to do with them and like to play the "victim"
   
• blaming - enough said
   
• emotional reasoning - their emotions override their rational thoughts and they believe what they are feeling is the truth...also why they are always so convincing
   
• fallacy of change - they expect others to change to meet their needs
   
• fallacy of control - they believe that they are in complete control of themselves, others and their surroundings
   
• global labelling - an extreme form of over-generalization, in which they make a negative judgement of another based on only a few qualities or limited experiences with them
   
• always being right - they are always trying to validate their opinions by putting others on trial

Gaslighting

"I seriously wonder how many highly intuitive, intelligent and totally sane women and men have been labelled as crazy because they got too close to figuring out someone else's bullshit."

-Alex Myles

The term "gaslighting" was originally coined from the 1944 film, Gaslight, where the protagonist's husband slowly manipulated her into believing that she was going crazy. In the play, the husband uses the gas lights in an upstairs apartment to dim the lights in his own suite. The wife notices the dimming lights, and when she mentions it as a concern, the husband denies that it is happening and convinces her that she is imagining it.

Gaslighting is insidiously manipulative and ultimately leaves the victim confused and doubting their own sanity. A person who has been gaslit for a prolonged period of time often feels that their grip on reality is precarious, and they have lost the ability to trust themselves. Trust me...I know this! I have experienced it first-hand, and it takes a long time to start trusting yourself and your own perceptions again.

There are several different tactics that a toxic person (a.k.a. a narcissist) may use to gaslight you:

• Countering - telling you that you are wrong or remember something incorrectly
   
• Trivializing - making you feel like your thoughts and feelings are insignificant and don't matter
   
• Withholding - not sharing information, or pretending they don't understand what you are saying
   
• Stonewalling - refusing to listen, respond, or engage with you in conversation ...you know, the not-so-good old-fashioned silent treatment
   
• Blocking - questioning the validity of your thoughts
   
• Forgetting - pretending to forget things that never happened
   
• Denying - playing the "innocent card" and telling you something never happened
   
• Faking compassion - telling you they are doing something harmful for your own good

Gaslighting is  commonly used and incredibly insidious.

Triangulation

Let's step back into high school for a moment. Remember when Chad cheated on Sally? And what did Sally do? ...she went on a rampage to all of her friends telling them all these horrible things about Chad. All her girlfriends bought into her exaggerations and pretty soon Chad was sitting by himself in the cafeteria at lunch.

THAT is triangulation...when someone seeks to convince or impose their opinion or perspective on another person in order to gain their support and harm a third person. Narcissists are emotionally immature, so yes...it can kinda feel like you're right back in high school when around them.

The really sad part is that a lot of grown adults will not think critically and accept their lies as truth because they really are that convincing. It is common for an alienating parent to share their opinions and made-up plights with friends, family, teachers, coaches, professionals and other community members in an effort to turn them against their co-parent (that would likely be you if you're reading this...and I totally feel your pain!) Unfortunately, this leaves you being judged and isolated with no opportunity to even defend yourself. And worse yet...the people being triangulated end up validating the narcissist's abuse, while simultaneously invalidating the target's reactions.

Splitting

Splitting can be simply defined as "all-or-nothing" thinking. A person who splits views the world in extremes and from two perspectives..."all good" or "all bad". Everything is perceived as "black" or "white" with no room for shades of grey. They also tend to judge people as being their "savior" or their "enemy".

How to Deal

So, how exactly does one navigate a relationship with a narcissist? Our immediate answer would be...don't if you can avoid it. Seriously...RUN! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

Being in a relationship with a narcissist adds a whole new meaning to Pat Benatar's song "Love is a Battlefield". Narcissists are a human version of a chameleon with the ability to quickly assess a room and tailor their behavior to best suit their needs. They can be extremely charming, personable, and easily win others' affections; however, they show a completely different side to themselves only to certain people.

Their end game is always to control others and about what's in it for them. They will be exceedingly sweet and cooperative when they want something, only to pull the rug right out from under you once they've accomplished what they set out to do.

BUT...what if you have no choice? What if the Narcissist is your parent, sibling, or worse...your co-parent? How exactly can you navigate a co-parenting relationship with a narcissist? The truth of the matter is that you can't co-parent with a narcissist, plain and simple. The only option you have is to parallel parent, in which you parent your children separate and apart from your co-parent, AND teach your children the critical thinking skills they need to be able to resist the emotional poison from their other parent.

General guidelines to follow when parallel parenting with a narcissist include:

1. Develop an extremely detailed parenting plan that includes real and enforceable consequences for not following the terms of the agreement. If possible, include a police enforcement clause for parenting time, and ensure that the agreement is approved and registered with the courts. Narcissists feel entitled and will always cross boundaries and not follow orders if there are no stipulated consequences.

For the most comprehensive co-parenting plan on the market, check out the Pathways Ultimate Co-Parenting Plan. It's jam-packed with 40 pages of easy-to-read language and designed to protect parent-child bonds and avoid contentious issues before they arise.

1. Minimize contact with your co-parent. Arrange for parenting time exchanges to occur at a public location, or, better yet, directly before or after school or your children's extracurriculars.
2. Always make contact in written form when you do need to communicate with your co-parent. It is important to keep a paper trail of communication when you are dealing with a narcissist. Only communicate via email, text message or an online communication app for families, such as "Our Family Wizard".
3. Keep communication short and to the point. Always stick to the facts and ignore aggressive and demeaning comments. Narcissists like to serve up word salad (their crazy-making talk). Do not allow them to draw you into a debate you cannot win. There is no need to explain or defend your actions and decisions. You really don't want to stray too far from a "yes", "no" or specific dates.
4. Do not get sucked into their drama or sob stories. Narcissists are master manipulators who like to twist and distort the facts to suit their needs, so do yourself a favour and take their stories with a grain of salt. A simple, "I'm sorry to hear that," is okay, but then move on. Do not take on their problems as your own.
5. Do not share your feelings or intimate details of your life with them. They really don't care about your feelings and sharing information only gives them ammunition to harm you with later.
6. Do not take anything the narcissist says personally. Narcissists like to exploit others' weaknesses and use guilt to shame others into doing what they want. Always remember that this is really about them, not you.
7. Treat your relationship in a business-like manner by setting clear and VERY strong boundaries. As mentioned above, narcissists feel entitled and will always keep taking until you lay down the law. Give them an inch, and they will help themselves to a mile.

Final Note

Narcissists are chronic liars...AND they wholeheartedly believe that their delusions are grounded in reality. This is why they are so confident, why they are so incredibly convincing...AND why they are so dangerous!

This being said, it is also important to maintain a certain level of careful compassion for those who have been diagnosed with this personality disorder, or display some of the traits. People develop these traits as a defense against trauma they have experienced in their lives.

Source: https://pathwaysfamilycoaching.com/narcissistic-coping-mechanisms/