How Society Gaslights Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse
There
is a class of individuals who have been around forever and who are found in
every race, culture, society and walk of life. Everybody has met these people,
been deceived and manipulated by them, and forced to live with or repair the
damage they have wrought.
As an
author who writes for abuse survivors, I've communicated with thousands of
people who have been affected by malignant narcissists,
sociopaths, and psychopaths as partners, friends, family members, co-workers or
even bosses.
Throughout the course of my work, I've noticed a common theme: the
societal invalidation and gaslighting of survivors.
This form of secondary
gaslighting and invalidation is incredibly painful, especially when it comes
from the very professionals, friends and family members who are meant to help
support the survivor on their healing journey.
Not only does secondary gaslighting
from other people further isolate the survivor, it actually hinders the healing
process.
I cant tell you the number of times a survivor has reached out to me
to tell me the painful effects of being invalidated by a friend, a family
member, a spiritual leader or even a therapist who dispensed ill-informed,
sometimes even victim-blaming ideas.
This also contributes to
a global Gaslighting Effect in which speaking out about abuse by covert
manipulators is met with some form of backlash, victim-blaming, and
victim-shaming by enablers of abusers and abusers themselves.
Survivor Ariel
Leve explains that this form of secondary gaslighting is incredibly traumatic
to the survivor. As she says,
"It wasn't just that my reality was canceled, but
that my perception of reality was overwritten…it wasn't the loudest and scariest
explosions that caused the most damage. It wasn't the physical violence or the
verbal abuse or the lack of boundaries and inappropriate behavior. What did the
real damage was the denial that these incidents ever occurred…the erasure of
the abuse was worse than the abuse."
How Have We Harmed Survivors?
How Do We Help?
I want to preface this
by saying that there are many excellent therapists, life coaches, writers and
advocates who are well-informed about the effects of being with a highly
manipulative, narcissistic individual.
Unfortunately, there are also
professionals and laypersons out there who inadvertently retraumatize survivors
because of a lack of knowledge about how covert manipulation tactics work – as
well as the effects of this type of trauma.
Some survivors are even
misdiagnosed by therapists when they are in fact suffering from PTSD or Complex
PTSD from years of chronic abuse.
It’s important to learn
the appropriate ways of communicating with survivors of malignant narcissists, those who lack empathy, who exploit others for their own gain, who abuse others
chronically, and who lack remorse and conscience for their actions.
4 Common mistakes people make when communicating with survivors of this insidious type of violence:
# 1
Treating the abuse as
a compatibility issue, a "bad break-up" or minimizing the pathological behavior
of the abuser by equating it to that of the garden-variety jerk.
What we need to
understand as a society is that malignant narcissism is not an everyday
problem. While narcissism does exist on a spectrum, many of the survivors who
are reeling from the trauma of emotional abuse have encountered individuals on
the extreme end of the spectrum.
They have met predatory individuals who have
systematically stripped them of their self-worth and confidence. Victims of
malignant narcissists often undergo emotional, psychological, spiritual,
financial and sometimes even sexual or physical abuse.
Someone who is a
malignant narcissist has characteristics that go beyond selfishness,
self-centeredness or vanity. They have antisocial traits such as a lack of
remorse, a failure to conform to social norms, impulsivity, aggression, and a
lack of conscience. This is someone who can engage in inhumane cruelty and acts
of both psychological and physical violence just to get their needs met.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula
(2018), an expert on relationship abuse, notes, "I've done research and work in
that area of domestic violence or what's also called intimate partner violence,
and most people who perpetrate domestic violence are either narcissistic or
psychopathic. So there is danger there, in other words, they will dispose of
you if you get in their way."
The narcissistic or
sociopathic abuser is not just a cheater, a player, or a difficult individual
and you cannot approach them as such. They tend to be chronically abusive,
manipulative, deceptive and ruthless in their mind games. They can even
escalate into horrific acts of violence.
When unwilling to
receive or unresponsive to treatment, the malignant narcissist is someone with
hardwired behavioral patterns which cause irreparable harm to others.
Whether you're a
therapist, an advocate, part of law enforcement, a family member or a friend of
a survivor, be wary of giving out advice or counsel that would apply to
garden-variety toxic people. For example, sometimes direct communication or
assertiveness can actually enrage an abuser or give them information these
manipulators can use as ammunition. Survivors would need strategies which are
tailored to the dangerous aspects of exiting a relationship like this.
The same advice you give
to someone dealing with an empathic person does not apply to someone who is
empathy-impaired and intentionally and sadistically posing harm.
# 2
Interrupting key
features of the healing process by trying to get the survivor to heal more quickly.
While every healing
journey is unique, the journeys of narcissistic abuse survivors have many
similarities across the board because the same manipulation tactics are being
used.
A survivor of habitual gaslighting by an abuser is suffering from the
extreme effects of cognitive dissonance. They are trying to reconcile their
abusers false image which hooked them initially with the abusers true callous
and cold self.
As a result of this,
survivors tend to ruminate over incidents of abuse as well as the initial love-bombing they
received from their abusers. Baffled onlookers (counselors, friends, family
members) may assume that the survivor is stuck or cant move forward because
they ruminate over the incidents of abuse.
What
they fail to understand is that rumination and over-analysis are effects of the
trauma they experienced.
Survivors of any form of
abuse are always attempting to sift through the thoughts, feelings, and
memories which have caused them this cognitive dissonance. That's why they tend
to tell their stories again and again because they are attempting to provide a
coherent narrative to the trauma they just experienced.
This narrative allows
them to overcome the cognitive dissonance and dissociation (including the
disconnect among thoughts, memories, emotions) they experienced as a result of
the abuse. As Andrea Schneider, LCSW (2014), writes,"Cognitive dissonance is diffused
and reduced when the survivor of narcissistic abuse is able to receive
validation and confirmation of the reality of his or her circumstances."
To interrupt the process
of rumination in a way that is judgmental and invalidating is especially
harmful to a survivor who is just trying to figure out what happened to them. While you can certainly provide tips on healthier alternatives to excessive rumination,
do not judge the rumination as a defect or flaw on the part of the survivor. It
is a normal part of the journey to healing.
A healthy way to interrupt
rumination might be to ask what the survivor can do to better reconnect with
the reality of the abuse they experienced and guide them to reconcile their
cognitive dissonance by acknowledging the abuser's disordered nature or
tactics. This will help to decrease the gaslighting effect.
# 3
Making the victim responsible for the actions of the abuser and failing to recognize the impact of the trauma bond.
I understand that mental
health professionals may only be treating the victim, so some feel they cannot
"speak" to the actions of the abuser. Some law enforcement officials may be
confused as to why the victim does not "press charges" or even defends the
abuser. Friends and family members may also hesitate to "judge" a situation
they themselves are not intimately involved in.
However, aside from guiding the
survivor to leaving the abuser safely, placing a hyper-focus on what the victim
must do in the early stages of healing can be detrimental.
Asking the victim to
continually "look within" in the very first weeks of recovery can even cross
over the line to victim-blaming. Therapists, law enforcement officials, and
loved ones must acknowledge the effects of the trauma bond that survivors
developed with their abuser throughout the course of the relationship.
This is
a bond created by the intense, emotional experiences in the abuse cycle. Giving
survivors tips and tools to gradually break what Dr. Patrick Carnes calls "the
betrayal bond" is essential to their recovery journey.
Victims of malignant
narcissists have heard many variations of victim-shaming statements such as the
following even in the very beginning of their healing journey:
"You have to let it go."
"You need to move forward."
"You might be codependent."
"Let's talk about you, not him/her."
"Why did you stay so
long? Let's explore that."
These statements may
come from a place of wanting the survivor to own their agency. However, when
said in the early stages of recovery, they can retraumatize the survivor.
A
survivor at this stage is usually heavily trauma-bonded to their abusers. This
means that regardless of any codependent traits (which may not even apply to
them at all), they have bonded to the abuser in the abuse cycle in an effort to
survive the abuse.
Dr. Joe Carver (2006)
notes the dual impact of this bond and cognitive dissonance in his article,
"The Small Kindness Perception":
"The combination of Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance produces a victim who firmly believes the relationship is not only acceptable, but also desperately needed for their survival.
The victim feels they would mentally collapse if the relationship ended. In long-term relationships, the victims have invested everything and placed all their eggs in one basket.
The relationship now
decides their level of self-esteem, self-worth, and emotional health.
Importantly, both
Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance develop on an involuntary basis.
The victim does not purposely invent this attitude. Both develop as an attempt to exist and survive in a threatening and controlling environment and relationship…They are trying to survive.
Their personality is developing the feelings and thoughts needed to survive the situation and lower their emotional and physical risks…The victim is engaged in an attempt to survive and make a relationship work.
Once they decide it doesn't work and cant be fixed, they will need our support as we patiently await their decision to return to a healthy and positive lifestyle."
This trauma bond is
strong and demands attention. This was not a normal breakup. The survivor at
this point has gone through a great deal of gaslighting and needs to work
through what the abuser has done to them before they move onto actions which
actively support their healing.
They need to connect to a vocabulary of the
abuse they experienced. That is why they need to talk about their abuser first
– to establish the tactics used and the effects of these tactics – before even
attempting to move forward in any tangible way.
# 4
Mistaking the abuser
as well-intentioned and communicating this to the survivor.
Narcissistic or
sociopathic abusers tend to be very charming and can hook, dupe and manipulate
even the most skilled of professionals. Just ask Dr. Robert Hare, creator of
the Psychopathy Checklist, who admits to still being duped despite his
expertise!
I have heard many horror
stories of what occurred when survivors of narcissists entered into couples
therapy with their abusers. The National Domestic Violence Hotline actually
advises against couples therapy because an abusive
relationship has a severe power imbalance. To be in a therapy room with an
abuser is to give the abuser access to manipulate the therapist and further
gaslight the victim.
As The National Domestic Violence Hotline asserts:
"The
primary reason we don't recommend couples counseling is that abuse is not a
relationship problem. Couples counseling may imply that both partners
contribute to the abusive behavior, when the choice to be abusive lies
solely with the abusive partner. Focusing on communication or other
relationship issues distracts from the abusive behavior, and may actually
reinforce it in some cases. Additionally, a therapist may not be aware that
abuse is present and inadvertently encourage the abuse to continue or
escalate."
This is something to
keep in mind when speaking about the intentions of an abusive individual, even
if you are providing only one-on-one counseling.
Attempting to divert from or
detract the focus on the abusive behavior or misreading the abuser's "intentions"
can have the inadvertent effect of making the victim feel as if their reality
is not worth acknowledging.
For any friend or family members of survivors,
communicating the idea that, I don't think this person meant to hurt you, is not
only harmful, but this also tends to be false.
An abuser always has
an agenda of controlling the victim. Their intentions are clear in that
respect. A normal jerk or garden-variety toxic person who is unaware may be
different. However, when its clear that the survivor has been emotionally
terrorized, there is absolutely no reason for anyone to doubt that the
intentions of an abuser were meant to harm.
A healthier alternative
to this claim could be, This person seems to have harmed you tremendously and
has not made any efforts at stopping, even when you call him or her out. Lets
explore how you can take care of yourself and detach from this toxic person.
The Big Picture
Some abusers are more
sadistic than others. Some lack empathy, while others also lack a conscience.
If you want to help any survivor of psychological abuse by a
malignant narcissist, you have to help them acknowledge the mindset of what it
means to be a predator— not further gaslight them into believing that they are
dealing with someone who possesses empathy or remorse. You have to extend
empathy, compassion, and nonjudgment to the victim – not the abuser.
At the
end of the day, all abusers have issues with their sense of entitlement, their
need for control, and their stunning lack of empathy. Rather than focusing on
the victim, it’s time for society to wake up to the abusive nature of their
perpetrators.