Stonewalling

Stonewalling is when a person withdraws from a conversation or discussion and refuses to address your concerns. They may choose to outright ignore your requests, not speak at all, respond with dismissive, invalidating replies or evade responding appropriately altogether by giving vague responses that refuse to answer your original questions.
  
 
Although the silent treatment may appear to be the absence of communication, it actually communicates significantly damaging messages to the target, such as "You're not worth responding to. Your thoughts and feelings don't matter to me. You don't matter."

Sections:

  • Control Through Silence
  • Stress & Emotional Trauma
  • Stonewalling Begets Gaslighting
  • Everyday Silent Treatment 
  • Why & How Narcissists Use the Silent Treatment
    -  The Ultimate Discard of You Worth
    -  Silent Treatment After Breakup
    -  Silent Treatment to Generate Supply
    -  Silent Treatment When You Need Support
    -  Ways the Relationship May Reunite
    -  How to Heal for Real

Control Through Silence

In an abusive relationship with a narcissist, the silent treatment is a manipulative tactic embedded within the abuse cycle.
 

Initially the narcissist idealizes, pursues, and love bombs their target. In the devaluation phase of a narcissistic relationship, the tables are turned and the victim is provoked into trying to "win over" the narcissist. 

The toxic partner abruptly withdraws from their victim, unwilling to respond for a period of time with little to no explanation whatsoever.
 

This silent treatment causes their partner excessive anxiety, fear and a persistent sense of self-doubt.

The narcissist thrives off of the power and control they feel as they continue to pull the strings of the victim like a master puppeteer.


In the context of an abusive relationship, this technique is deliberately used as a control tactic - a way to intimidate, belittle and demean the victim into feeling insignificant. 


When a narcissist gives you the silent treatment, it's a way to devalue you and make you feel invisible. It provokes you into reacting so that you are prone to doing whatever you can to gain back their attention and approval.


If you're being stonewalled in an abusive relationship and have tried to communicate your feelings to no avail, realize that the problem is not you. If this is a chronic problem, step away from the self-blame and stop walking on eggshells in an attempt to please a partner who refuses to be pleased. 


A toxic person's communication patterns cannot be changed unless that person is willing to change them. 

 

When a narcissist stonewalls you or subjects you to the silent treatment, they want you to respond. They want you to chase after them and "beg" for their attention. They want to provoke you. They want to control and diminish you.


The silent treatment and stonewalling can have actual effects on the brain. Research indicates that such behaviors are a form of ostracism which activates the anterior cingulate cortex, the same part of the brain that detects physical pain.


Being ignored can leave someone feeling injured - literally. These effects can linger powerfully for the victim, causing fresh abandonment wounds and reinforcing old ones.


Occasionally in a relationship, someone might want a "break" from communicating to cool off. When that happens, both partners communicate that this is what they need. They do so in a manner that is both respectful and considerate.


Stonewalling by a narcissistic partner, however, is different. It is callous, cold and charged with manipulative intent. Toxic partners like these use stonewalling as a way to further their abuse and to cause their victims intense emotional pain. 
 

Normal, healthy partners might stonewall as a way to get out of conflict, but toxic and manipulative partners do so as a way to one-up their victims and provoke them into losing emotional control.


So long as the victim is driven to "win back" the toxic person, the stonewaller is able to continue to ignore the victim's needs while the victim doubles their efforts to please them.

In relationships, stonewalling is the emotional equivalent to cutting off someone's oxygen.
 

The emotional detachment inherent to stonewalling is a form of abandonment and the effect that it has on a victim is dramatic.
 

The initial feelings of terror - which are usually below the water line of awareness - are typically followed by secondary feelings of anger and, then, aggressive efforts to get some emotional reaction - any emotional reaction - even a negative one.


And when these efforts fail, the internal response for the target is predictable. He doesn't care. He doesn't love me. He's left me.

Source: thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/04/stonewalling-and-the-silent-treatment-when-the-narcissists-silence-is-deafening/

The Silent Treatment Can Cause
Stress & Emotional Trauma

A person who is the target of the silent treatment can feel very intense negative emotions.

Ignoring a person means that they are worth nothing, that they don't matter.
  

Things become even more unhealthy when all this is happening in a cruel and cold silence, which the victim doesn't know how to interpret.

People who are ignored eventually become overwhelmed by feelings of sadness that can sometimes lead to depression. They also feel anger, fear, and guilt. Ignoring someone is a way of accusing or pointing the finger at them indirectly. This is exactly what makes this strategy an unhealthy way to deal with conflict.


Victims of this type of behavior tend to feel extremely distressed. They can't understand what they are doing wrong or why exactly the other person is treating them in this way. It's as if they are losing control and this causes a lot of stress. This is why it is considered a form of abuse. There is no shouting or hitting, but there is plenty of violence.
 
These types of behaviors are quite harmful. Not only do they demonstrate immaturity, meanness, and a lack of emotional intelligence, but they can have serious consequences for the other person.
     
Engaging in this behavior is an attempt to control and harass and it doesn't represent anything positive for a relationship.

Source: https://exploringyourmind.com/silent-treatment-psychological-abuse-disguise/

Stonewalling Begets Gaslighting

You're feeling neglected by your partner. So naturally, you want to talk to him about it.
 

You want to confront him and find out what the problem is.
 

But all you're getting in return is dead silence followed by the statement that you're making a big deal out of it.
 

He'll convince you that you're making a big fuss out of nothing.
 

His tactic is to gaslight you and make you believe in lies which work in his favor.
 

This upsets you, and you foolishly fall into his trap and try to explain yourself, but he doesn't want to hear it, so he rejects you.
 

You feel sad and upset at the same time because you were tricked into thinking that you did something wrong, but you didn't.
 

But the catch in his brainwashing tactic is the behavior he presents the day after. He acts as if nothing happened.
 

If you bring up the subject again, he coldly answers that you have problems which you need to deal with yourself.
 

He disregarded your feelings and redirected the conversation in the direction that suited him.
 

With his actions, he made you feel tense and traumatized.
 

In normal relationships, this could have ended on a completely different note. You could have solved the problem if he agreed to talk about it.
 

Ignoring a narcissist is a very hard thing to do. Their manipulative tactics don't leave you any choice but to react to their provocations.
 

That is actually their main goal-to get a reaction out of you, preferably a negative one, so they can feed their egos and feel good about themselves.
 

Stonewalling/silent treatment is their favorite manipulation method when they want to punish you for something.
 

You haven't been acting the way they wanted you to. Maybe you've come to your senses and sobered up for a moment. That scared them.
 

They get scared that if you realize you deserve so much better. That threatens to take away their Narcissistic Supply.
 

You won't give them what they need to keep on going. So, they need to punish you and emotionally destroy you to keep you in your place.
 

Their purpose is to diminish you and regain their control over you. They want to make you feel invisible.
 

They want you to feel insignificant, as if it doesn't make any difference if you live or die.
 

They are playing with your mind to get your confidence very low, so you're easily controlled.
 

What happens next is that you don't want to be invisible.
 

You’re fighting it, so you can come back to them and ask for their approval and attention.
  

Withdrawing their partner like this is extremely damaging to a relationship.
 

You ask to be visible once again.
 

That was their plan all along-to destroy you by stonewalling and make you beg him to notice you once again.
 

That's when you're easily controlled, and that's when he has restored his peace.

Source: https://herway.net/stonewalling-a-perfect-narcissists-silent-treatment-method

Reactive Abuse 

Everyday Silent Treatment


When the narcissist is suffering some form of narcissistic injury, when they cannot self-medicate their inner self-annihilating critic with enough narcissistic supply, he or she may decide to punish you with narcissistic silent treatment.


This can be a cruel game, like a cat tormenting a mouse, because you will ask the narcissist what is wrong, and maybe even enquire if have you done something to hurt them.

You may get cryptic short answers or simply more of being ignored.

Either way, the narcissist is screwing with your noodle, because there is no real explanation and you have no idea what is going on.


You are likely to react because this triggers deep insecurities within you.

If you don't and you remain calm the narcissist will simply up the ante and make sure they keep ignoring you until you do react.


Once you react, you have entered the ring where the narcissist has you pinned in the corner. 

Now he or she can twist things, blame you, or leave, adding the cruelty of abandonment on top of narcissistic silent treatment. Of course, this is likely to prompt you to get upset.


Now the narcissist has you exactly where he or she wants you - emotionally incapacitated, deranged and hooked, and fully handing attention over to them.


Things happen like the narcissist switches their phone off, and you leave numerous missed calls, which the narcissist later showcases to everyone convincing people that you are abusive, controlling and crazy. This, of course, gleans tons of narcissistic supply from the narcissist's audience in the process.


I experienced this in my narcissistic relationship, as I know many of you have. After getting hooked in and further abused (including smeared to all and sundry) so many times, I sometimes succeeded in detaching. 


The narcissistic silent treatment would go on for days on end, and even though I was feeling so low, worthless and intensely insecure and panicked I would do everything I could not to bite and get involved.

Source: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissists-silent-treatment-what-to-do-when-you-are-treated-like-you-dont-exist 

Why & How Narcissists Use the Silent Treatment


Narcissistic silent treatment is something that virtually every narcissist delivers skillfully. Ironically it's the horrible blow that they themselves are terrified of - being rendered invalid, invisible and totally redundant. 


We all know what it is to ignore or be ignored - we may have snubbed someone at sometime in our life, or we may have been given the "cold shoulder" ourselves. We all clearly know silent treatment means this: "I disapprove of you or something you've done". However, this cruel action - narcissistic silent treatment - is a lot more impactful than merely being brushed off by someone.
 

The silent treatment is the ultimate weapon of narcissists.
 

Narcissists purposefully punish with narcissistic silent treatment; it is used to teach the person it is directed at a lesson. 


The insane thing about it is, the narcissist may decide to grant no explanation whatsoever for days, weeks, months or even a lifetime. Truly, there are people who experience narcissistic silent treatment who never have any explanation or closure as to why. 


In fact, at first, they thought something terrible has happened to the narcissist and that's why he or she 'disappeared'. But, usually, this is a pattern and we discover once this happens, it will continue to happen again and again.


And the sad thing is, so many people trapped in narcissistic relationships have tried to do everything they can to prevent the absolute horror of narcissistic silent treatment - being treated as if they no longer exist. They hand over more boundaries, rights and desires and give the narcissist more of what the narcissist wants, hoping this will stop the stonewalling and disappearing acts, but to no avail. These cruel acts continue to happen, for no valid reason.


Be very clear about this - silent treatment is about invalidating your existence, and narcissists can apply this in several different ways.


Please know, if the narcissist is using this weapon against you, and you stick around to receive it - it will keep coming - until the often inevitable ultimate discard.

The Ultimate Discard of Your Worth 


What is narcissistic silent treatment REALLY about?


Narcissistic silent treatment carries THIS "message" to its victim...
You are not worth anything in my life. You are not even worthy of one scrap of my attention.


The chilling truth is, apart from the ongoing cycles of narcissistic silent treatment, it can be used as a permanent axing of you.


When a narcissist has decided you have got too close - you know what is under the mask and they could possibly be exposed, or if they have drained you of all that you could possibly give, or you no longer supply the stuff that makes their life interesting and exciting enough, or if better narcissistic supply appears, or if you were only ever used as a tool to momentarily freed the ego or punish on a current partner... or for whatever reason they have decided you don't fit in to their agenda anymore - then you will be sacked from their life.


Permanent narcissistic silent treatment has happened for this reason - the narcissist has simply changed movie sets. The things and people who are no longer relevant to the present grandiose, fictitious, pathological needs of the False Self, are deemed redundant and discarded accordingly. 

Silent Treatment After a Breakup


This form of narcissistic silent treatment is a biggie. I have heard so many people in this Community, even after decades with a narcissist and sharing children, when discarded (and usually replaced) being shell-shocked at how the narcissist is capable of shutting them out, and not giving a damn.


They are devastated to experience that the narcissist will not offer any explanation or grant any form of compassion - and is not interested in anything other than forgetting them and getting on with his or her life. The horror of being discarded like yesterday's garbage, after all of their service and devotion, is unspeakable.


It's so sad that many of these discarded people were long ago been trained into accepting a relationship that was all about the narcissist and very little about them. Even so, they feel like they can't imagine life without the narcissist. 


Now the narcissist won't return their calls, won't deal with them face to face and is leaving everything up to their solicitors. It is like No Contact has been reversed, the narcissist is the one executing it - with unyielding deliberate force.


This continues, unless the new source of supply is not working out, then the narcissist may return as if nothing happened. This is what many long-suffering partners of narcissists have dealt with. Affairs, discard, silent treatment, return, false promises ... and the cycle inevitably happens all over again, until it finally is the end (which usually comes).


Is it guilt causing the narcissist to cut themselves off from their previous spouse and sometimes even their family? No, the narcissist will have their self-serving justifications for doing what he or she has done, and the ex-partner has already been degraded and reduced in value in the narcissist's psyche to someone who needs to be dispensed of, totally confirming the narcissist's version of things.

The pulling away and not returning any contact is something narcissists can do with any relationships.


What is so painful, when the narcissist walks away and ignores you without a backward glance, is the suddenness, severity and finality that it feels like.

Possibly, seemingly moments before, you were being told you were desired and valued, and then you are meaningless and not wanted.


Narcissists switch from adoring you to abhorring you on a dime.


Over the last decade I have heard so many versions of the capacity of narcissistic silent treatment - ranging from long-term marriages with narcissists all the way to brief flings where narcissists told people incredible stories such as, they are the narcissists soul mate, and they are destined life partners, only to have the narcissist then vanish into thin air, totally uncontactable - leaving them devastated, shattered and reeling. 


If this has happened to you, you may obsess about, "Didn't s/he feel that intense connection, that I did, too?" The truth was - no, you were simply being used to gratify the narcissist's False Self in the time you spent together.

Using Silent Treatment to Generate Supply


Clearly, when narcissists go missing in action (MIA) this is when they are usually up to no good. It is such a relief for narcissists to escape the confinement of being "an average human" which is repugnant to their False Self. Narcissists crave the extra curriculum activates that feed their need for drama, significance, fresh supply and excitement.

 
Narcissists need narcissistic supply like ice addicts need ice. If a narcissist has pulled away to ignore you, there is every chance he or she is seeking new supply. I truly can't think of one example of someone telling me about the silent treatment and cruel desertions they are suffering where this wasn't eventually the discovered truth.


However, (as I mentioned earlier in this article) if things aren't going swimmingly with the new sources of supply, the narcissist may return like a homing pigeon. Then he or she breaks their silence, starts communicating, with very little if any explanation and expects to pick up exactly where everything was left off.


The person who has been suffering the incredible trauma of narcissistic silent treatment will usually shut up and put up and reconnect just to try to get some relief from the intense trauma they are feeling.


In fact, they may feel powerless not to, and the cycle mercilessly continues stripping their self-worth more and more. 


Many people have conceded that abuse, in the form of some sort of response, was preferable to being iced out and treated like "something worthless."


And so it happens, the healthy expectations we have for a relationship get whittled away to nothing other than pure trauma bonding, where any crumb granted is a massive high - a relief that we get addicted too and hooked on - regardless of how much we are abused. 

When indecent behavior becomes our normal, narcissists simply hurt us even more.

Silent Treatment When You Need Support


I really do believe that this version of narcissistic silent treatment is one of the cruelest and most heartbreaking forms imaginable.


I know so many of you have suffered at a narcissist's hands terribly when in need, and they have completely abandoned and ignored you and possibly even cut off all contact. I can't even begin to list the stories I have heard in this last decade when people have had serious things happen such as a death of a family member, or dreadful illness or injuries and been completely deserted by narcissists.


If you become "high maintenance" (need support) a narcissist is likely to start looking for a fresher source of narcissistic supply who will feed their False Self.


A perfect example is my girlfriend's girlfriend who was dying in palliative care whilst her narcissistic husband was rustling up dates on dating sites. He couldn't even wait until she had passed. I know we can't even begin to stomach how unthinkable this is - but to him, it was totally justifiable.

Ways the Relationship May Reunite After Silent Treatment


Many people when receiving the narcissist silent treatment, panic as their unhealed terrors of abandonment surface at full strength.


At times, when I failed at disconnecting, I was one of these people. I would track him down and beg him to reconnect. I was also apt to give in to his demands and have no choice other than to take full responsibility for whatever I had supposedly done to him - in order for me to retain him in my life.


Narcissists will use the silent treatment as a powerful method to get the message across if you are prone to react how I used to. It is an effective way of getting us to hand over boundaries and gain control.


Interestingly when I gained strength and the silent treatment didn't work on me, and I started to feel surer inside about moving on, that is when he would hoover me and draw me back into the web. And of course nothing was resolved, the cycles of abuse were forever cycling and returning. My unhealed traumas that were keeping me stuck in the game were playing out continuously - and I know it could well be the same for you.


That was until I went No Contact for good and finally healed what I needed to. People have asked me, "But isn't me going no contact doing 'The Silent Treatment?'"


Please know No Contact is a healthy statement that is necessary to save our life and soul and grants us enough space to get our real inner healing done.

This is not some purposeful tactic to degrade, control and punish someone - it is a definitive statement of I love myself enough to say "no more" and finally heal the reasons within which keeps us doing this deadly dance with narcissists.

How to Heal for Real


There is only one way to heal from this - use space and silence from the narcissist to your advantage. And, there is only one truth to this - you are going to have to detach, pull away and heal in order to escape this life which is destroying your life force and not allowing you to be able to live your true joy, love and unique contributions as your True Self.


There is no easy way to go No Contact with a narcissist. There is no easy way to go alone and feel like you would in a normal relationship breakdown - that it is sad but okay to end it.


With narcissistic abuse you have suffered severe soul violation - you feel depressed, emotionally and mentally fractured, confused, unworthy, needy and constantly triggered. 

None of this eases and the narcissist is absolutely unavailable, unwilling and incapable of taking your pain away - there is no resolution there.


It's time when we "get it" that it's time, to take any opportunity to do the most important work of our life, which is to disconnect from the narcissist, withdraw all of our attention from them, turn inwards to ourselves and find and heal the broken parts of ourselves that the narcissist is reflecting back at us with his or her traumatizing behavior.


These are all the parts of us that feel unlovable and not enough, and that we only have worth if someone else is loving us, rather than knowing we have enough worth to love ourselves and leave if they don't.


Be prepared, after the silent treatment, that if you stay away and do take this very important work that the narcissist is then likely to hoover you.


They feel the disconnect, they know when you are getting off the narcissistic supply snack list and they may well try to put you back in there. Resist that too - keep going - because if you capitulate you will again fall into the cycle of violence - which narcissistic silent treatment totally is - and the cycles intensify and get worse and worse.


Now the narcissist will make sure he or she has you where they want you - because you will be mercilessly punished for nearly getting away.


Source: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissists-silent-treatment-what-to-do-when-you-are-treated-like-you-dont-exist/


Physical Repercussions


Studies have been done that show that feeling excluded or ignored can cause changes in the brain. A zone of the human brain called the "anterior cingulate cortex" is responsible for detecting different levels of pain. Scientists have proven that this zone is activated when someone receives the silent treatment. Activation in this zone means that physical symptoms also start to appear.
   
Some very common symptoms are headaches and digestive problems. Fatigue and insomnia are also frequent complaints. If the situation is severe and prolonged, serious problems can arise, such as an increase in blood pressure, diabetes, or even illnesses like cancer. The autoimmune system is also affected, primarily because of the high levels of stress that the situation causes.

As with many tactics, which are defensive and a result of insecurity, the use of this one shows very poor communication skills. Silence can be healthy when tempers are high and a pause is needed before something exacerbates the situation. However, when silence is used as a method of control or punishment, it becomes abuse.
DISCLAIMER & SOURCES