(Double-click slideshows to view full text messages)
Sections:
- Before & After Discard 1
(5/20/20 - 6/20)
- Reappearance & Grand Promises
(8/9/20 - 8/11/20) — After MAIN Discard
- I Knew Better, Yet I Didn’t
(9/30/20 - 10/6/20) — Hoover 3
- Couples Therapy & My Birthday
(1/29/21 - 2/4/21) — Hoover 4
Before & After Discard 1
(May 20/2020- June/2020)
Reappearance & Grand Proclamations
(Aug. 9/2020 - Aug. 11/2020)
He sent slide 3 less than 48 hours after he crashed back into my life after the MAIN Discard on his birthday. He had just declared his love and desire to marry. I was not attacking him, nor had I accused him of attacking me. Gaslighting was his favorite abuse tactic.
He had just said I could speak freely about it with him so we could work through the past and 'heal'..because he claimed he'd do whatever it took because he was sorry and wanted to make it right. THEN he got angry and made it all about him. Shocking..
I was trying to talk to him about how I was struggling with the confusion and pain from the past..I was having a bit of a breakdown from the cognitive dissonance and because of the dramatic impact his discard had on me.
Slide 4- I was not being selfish..I had texted an apology above his text, an apology I didn't owe him.. But I felt bad like I was acting out.. And he responds like THIS. The full story can be found below.
I Knew Better, yet I Didn't.
HOOVER 3
(Sep. 30/2020 - Oct. 6/2020)
He'd treat me like I wasn't there until he felt like dealing with me or enjoying my company. He wasn’t even working while we were together, yet was too busy to speak with me.. It didn’t make any sense.
Only what he wanted and felt most comfortable with mattered. What was best for me and our relationship didn't mean crap to him.
To not be spoken to until nothing more interesting or more 'important' is going on in your partner's life.. That isn't ok.. It's dehumanizing...because, when he's out living his life without considering your needs and wants whatsoever, it's like you and the relationship cease to exist until he feels like prioritizing it again because he has nothing better to do...
He'll see you and act like your significant other again because he's bored, horny, or wanting to keep you attached to him for next time he is.
That's not how any person should be treated..like an object to only fiddle with and consider when they feel like using it. No. That can destroy someone. It's wrong on multiple levels..it's cruel and disgustingly self-centered. It defines Narcissistic Abuse.
Whether the abuser's intent be malicious or the lesser evil of extreme carelessness and disinterest in others' feelings..it still has the same impact on others!
No matter the intentions or the level of awareness an abuser has regarding their toxic behaviors towards others...the end result is the same.
Whether the narcissist is evil and intentionally cruel, or just someone really unwell, the impact their selfish and invalidating behavior has on their target is devastating. No matter the type of human being a narcissist is, their actions violate the basic right everyone has to be treated as a valuable, complex human being..
Violating that right and treating someone as less than IS narcissistic abuse.
People are not meant to be utilized as a distraction, a good time, an outlet for negative emotional states, or someone to break apart so you can feel more whole.
A person should NEVER be treated like they are a 'something' instead of a 'someone'.. But that's exactly what highly narcissistic individuals do to others, especially those in close proximity to them.
D.B. would ghost me frequently. He'd reach back out and get my hopes up by making plans with me, then right after he'd see and touch me he'd vanish into thin air again.
Many times not a single text..even if I waited days and sent one first- no response.. Sometimes for well over a week at a time. But then he'd always have such a convincing or apologetic speech prepared when he'd reappear.. His excuses would consistently be focused on how something bad happening to him was at fault- not him.
He always had so many excuses FOR EVERY SINGLE PAIN I FELT AND FOR EVERY SINGLE INEXCUSABLE THING HE DID TO ME.
The pain his abuse inflicted upon me was NEVER his fault. It was the fault of a tragic situation he was stuck in, or I was simply too screwed up to understand what had hurt me.
I'd tell him directly that I was in pain from him calling me names, accusing me of doing, thinking or feeling things I never did..or him refusing to respond to me (especially when I shared how badly it was hurting me).. BUT SOMEHOW HE'D TURN ALL THAT SHIT AROUND ON ME.
According to the man I loved and constantly tried to appease and build up,
I was only hurting because:
- I had previous issues/ baggage/ was damaged goods
- I was inconsiderate of what he was going through
- I was selfish, high maintenance, and unappreciative
- I was simply confused/ too stupid to know what I was feeling and why
- I wasn't actually hurt, I was just acting that way to manipulate him.. to try to make him feel guilty to get something. (To get what? I'll never know, because he never gave me anything.. All I wanted was kindness, respect, and consideration. I offered that to him constantly.. but if I requested the same or stated him not showing me any hurt and confused me.. I'd pay for it. His games and cruelty broke me.)
I should have stayed away when he showed back up for Hoover 3, but I couldn't..
So, we met up for a ‘date’, and the next day he didn't call like he had for the 3 consecutive days prior, or text throughout the day.. or really respond and show the same interest he had before.
So, we met up for a ‘date’, and the next day he didn't call like he had for the 3 consecutive days prior, or text throughout the day.. or really respond and show the same interest he had before.
SO the following evening after our date I told him goodnight around 9pm..then texted him again within 1 minute, asking if I did something wrong. He claims he went to sleep immediately after my goodnight text and never saw any of my other messages.
Maybe he didn't see it..but, I seriously doubt it. He never sleeps all through the night and he always seems to have the phone he ‘hates’ nearby.
In a normal relationship I would have never sent bajillion messages as reactions, because a healthy, caring partner wouldn't have put me in those insane situations, ignored me, insulted me, messed with my head intentionally, neglected me, or traumatized me-just to then blame me for it and minimize the seriousness of it all in order to avoid accountability for his horrid behavior. My 'crazy outbursts' were responses to his 'crazy', abusive behaviors. Such as he did in the story available here.
I know I made mistakes too, but I forgave all of his which were far worse than panicking after abuse, expecting respectful communication, and sending too many texts!! Yet, expecting him to allow room for my errors..was asking too much. Not like I deserved it, or anything?? I am not perfect, but I know I am not a selfish, impossible, inconsiderate, cruel partner. He thinks I’m high maintenance, a high maintenance woman wouldn’t put up with the abusive bullshit, or lack of consideration and attention in the first place...
I know I made mistakes too, but I forgave all of his which were far worse than panicking after abuse, expecting respectful communication, and sending too many texts!! Yet, expecting him to allow room for my errors..was asking too much. Not like I deserved it, or anything?? I am not perfect, but I know I am not a selfish, impossible, inconsiderate, cruel partner. He thinks I’m high maintenance, a high maintenance woman wouldn’t put up with the abusive bullshit, or lack of consideration and attention in the first place...
SO he must not understand the term. 😅
Also, he’d have to step down from all of those high ‘standards’ (controlling demands & double standards) of his to be able to find anyone more difficult to please than himself.
All I needed was him to be honest, kind, and care about me. His flaws and difficulties never made me abandon him or love him less. Yet all I had to do to lose him, was have reasonable expectations.. even though I was constantly attacked, blamed, and belittled for never being able to live up to his impossible, demeaning ones.
I'm missing some texts after slide 6. Also I Obviously left out my 130 imploding texts he referenced the following morning.. (Ask if you want them. I'll send them.)
It was like a test, and he failed. I needed an ugly reminder that I would NEVER be able to rely on him. This was the fourth time he reappeared after a horrific episode of abuse.
I truly was dealing with depression, anxiety, triggered CPTSD, and cognitive dissonance when I reached out to him begging for just for him to talk to me. That's all the support I needed.
He's so smart, but too stupid to realize I am worthwhile. Sometimes he’d say he knows he‘s bad, selfish person and that I am good hearted-BUT he still thinks I deserved misery and abuse while he somehow deserves the best the world has to offer. Nice logic... :/
Each time it followed the same pattern:
He almost destroyed me on round 2 and 3, It was so bad because of his unpredictable extremes from adoring me to not being able to stand me, and the outrageously terrible things he'd say to me right after being so kind, apologetic, and declaring his love for me. It was always a major shock to my system. It never felt safe, so I blamed myself to try to get there, because it seemed more 'fixable' if I was the problem; because I knew I could make mistakes, I knew I could learn and adapt. Yet, no matter how much I accommodated him or how loving I was, the painful cycle remained the same. I finally realized if I kept looking inward at the flaws he pointed out, and expending so much effort to be what he wanted, but still nothing was truly getting any better...then I was not the variable that needed to be changed to solve this problem.
I truly was dealing with depression, anxiety, triggered CPTSD, and cognitive dissonance when I reached out to him begging for just for him to talk to me. That's all the support I needed.
All I needed to feel calm, reassured, and loved was for him to speak with me. For him to just actually care about what I was going through, would have brought me more joy than he ever had..for him to just care.
All he had to do was listen to me vent, tell me he cared about my suffering, offer ANY comfort and concern for my well-being..If he would have just let me know I was safe, that he'd be there for me, that he was trying and not lying.
But.. I knew he'd bail, and he did after more emotional abuse through his final text message.
Because.. it was never about me or us, it was always about him..what HE wanted, what he approved of, what he needed, what was convenient for HIM.
When l was honest enough to share that I was feeling weak, he pushed me down further. A good partner would have helped build me up to be stronger, but he only tore me down and made me weaker. He pointed out my weaknesses with disgust and let me know he did NOT have time to help me up..even though he is who had shoved me down in the first place. (metaphorically) I was hoping he had just tripped me on accident.
He's so smart, but too stupid to realize I am worthwhile. Sometimes he’d say he knows he‘s bad, selfish person and that I am good hearted-BUT he still thinks I deserved misery and abuse while he somehow deserves the best the world has to offer. Nice logic... :/
Each time it followed the same pattern:
- He’d promise love and good things to come,
- Be kind, tell me I was safe,
- I’d reach out wanting to talk about how badly I was hurting/confused(tell him I was struggling to trust him/relax because of the times he’d already said the exact same things right before blindsiding me multiple times in the past. He refused to believe or care that I’d been traumatized-by his actions.) —
- He’d then attack,—victimize himself/blame me for ‘throwing it in his face’(AKA wanting him to care and help me work through what he said he’d help me work through-and speaking freely like he’d just said he didn’t want me to fear doing anymore..)
- Then he’d bail after throwing a hideous insult regarding how crazy and awful I was; insinuating how much better, more sane, and more deserving he was of more than what I had to offer. Even though what I had to offer was far more than anything he ever gave me
He almost destroyed me on round 2 and 3, It was so bad because of his unpredictable extremes from adoring me to not being able to stand me, and the outrageously terrible things he'd say to me right after being so kind, apologetic, and declaring his love for me. It was always a major shock to my system. It never felt safe, so I blamed myself to try to get there, because it seemed more 'fixable' if I was the problem; because I knew I could make mistakes, I knew I could learn and adapt. Yet, no matter how much I accommodated him or how loving I was, the painful cycle remained the same. I finally realized if I kept looking inward at the flaws he pointed out, and expending so much effort to be what he wanted, but still nothing was truly getting any better...then I was not the variable that needed to be changed to solve this problem.
His abuse didn't hurt and break me because of my past(even if it made parts of it hurt more), it was damaging because it was a terrible and a disturbing way to be treated by someone I loved so much and who claimed to love me. Yea, his mistreatment did bring back some hurt from old wounds, but he inflicted some gaping wounds all on his own with an intensity that would hurt anyone-even someone without "baggage." What he did is what hurt me, what my past did was make me foolish enough to be with him (someone who mistreats me) in the first place, His abusive behavior would have been seriously damaging to any partner. No matter how much he denies it, and justifies it to make it seem like less than what it was. Just as he made me feel like less than who I am, and worthy of less than what I deserve. Someone you love with all of your heart isn't supposed to do that to you, but sometimes..they just do ,and nothing you can do or feel will stop them I will be fine, I know I'm not flawless and the picture of perfect mental helath, but my mind is not nearly as dark and lost as someone's who repeatedly abuses others. I am better than how he treated me. I didn't deserve that. Nobody does.
Jan. 29/21 - Feb. 4/21
Hoover 4
Happy Birthday to me & Happy Valentine's Day! <3 Thank goodness he came back to screw February too- He's such a turd. We even had a therapy session together. Such cruel and childish games this full grown man plays because a woman dared to love him. Shameful.