Written: 10/2020
The Date
Before the actual date-
On the evening of 3/15/2020 he and I decided to meet up at McNeese. We ended up meeting outside of the campus library. As he approached me he held his arms open wide and reached out for a hug. I reacted by jumping away like a spaz. I played it off the best I could.. then we hugged.
We walked inside and sat at a corner table with his nephew and his girlfriend. They were in the middle of their homework assignments. The library was closing at that point because I had arrived rather late. Ooops. So we decided to go. We left less than five minutes after I'd arrived. All four of us climbed into D.B.’s Jeep.
He kept smiling at me as he grabbed my hand for the first time. He held my hand the entire time he drove us around town. It was so new and exciting. We listened to crazy, hilarious music. He sang along with his nephew.
Being around him was exhilarating. I felt special to him already; everything that we had shared during our six hour phone-date the night before made sure of that.
Darn COVID had caused almost everything to shut down.. Everything except for Denny's. So that's where we went. We had a nice time. He and I laughed and joked like we'd been friends forever. While sitting in our booth at the restaurant his nephew decided to test how well I knew D.B. He asked me a series of questions. One made me guess what tattoo was on D.B.’s stomach. His hint was that it was his favorite band and rhymed with porn Ha.. That was an easy one!- Korn. (He loves Oasis & Hollywood Undead too) I answered that, and all the other the questions correctly. He and his nephew seemed pretty impressed by that.
Darn COVID had caused almost everything to shut down.. Everything except for Denny's. So that's where we went. We had a nice time. He and I laughed and joked like we'd been friends forever. While sitting in our booth at the restaurant his nephew decided to test how well I knew D.B. He asked me a series of questions. One made me guess what tattoo was on D.B.’s stomach. His hint was that it was his favorite band and rhymed with porn Ha.. That was an easy one!- Korn. (He loves Oasis & Hollywood Undead too) I answered that, and all the other the questions correctly. He and his nephew seemed pretty impressed by that.
We went back up to McNeese and walked around campus for hours. Several hours. Sounds boring, but I assure you it was not. I fell so fast and so stupidly, like an impulsive child.
Afterwards, when it was just the two of us, the real date started.
I shared more about myself that evening than I had shared with anyone else in my life. We were both sharing a lot about ourselves. He truly seemed to possess such depth and openness.
He talked about his dreams and his desire to have a wife and children one day. He spoke of future scenarios with me and my son.
He got me to walk back to the steps of the building where we first met, and then he asked me to dance with him "where it all began."-those were his words, not mine.
I initially felt surprised and a bit uneasy with how serious he seemed about us..but his warmth and unbreakable gaze felt tremendously reassuring and seductive.
We did dance, and we did so without music. He hummed a little when I made a comment about there being no music. He got a very small awkward kiss and big beautiful smiles from me on those steps that night. My heart filled to the brim, but it feels so empty right now.
We did dance, and we did so without music. He hummed a little when I made a comment about there being no music. He got a very small awkward kiss and big beautiful smiles from me on those steps that night. My heart filled to the brim, but it feels so empty right now.
Anyway, I hadn't kissed anyone, or even hugged a man, in over seven years. D.B was fully aware of this. I was so nervous about kissing someone. He said he never saw 'this' coming. That at his age, he figured it would never happen. But then I, and his feelings for me, hit him out of nowhere.
After our dance we walked over to the student center. He shared stories along the way. When we arrived he gently took my hand to guide me as he motioned for me to take a seat.
He talked about insecurities he had with his body as we sat in front of the Student Central building. I never had any complaints about that.
We sat on those steps for a good while. I leaned on his shoulder as he held my hand and placed his head on top of mine. He took slow, deep breaths. He seemed so sincere...
We sat on those steps for a good while. I leaned on his shoulder as he held my hand and placed his head on top of mine. He took slow, deep breaths. He seemed so sincere...
I felt so very amazed, dumbfounded that he existed. That I had been lucky enough to meet someone like him.
All of the nervous energy I usually carried around, it completely dissipated.
I felt safe.
He stood up and outstretched his hand to offer me help standing back up. As we walked over towards the canal on campus, he softly placed a hand on each side of my waist and moved me over so that he would be the one closest to the busy street.
Once we got to the canal, I leaned over the rail while standing on my tippy toes. He was smiling at me the entire time and I just felt warm and more peaceful than I can ever remember having felt before.
We walked everywhere around that campus. When we got near the book store, all the way across campus from where we had parked, it started to drizzle and lightning. Unfortunately, his back started to hurt badly too. I told him it was probably because we had sat on those hard steps for so long.
We made our way back towards the math building and library (where we’d parked.) He had to stop for a moment. When he started to feel a little better, he said, "Why does this have to happen now, it hasn't in so long, and it is going to act up right now!?" I told him it was ok, and just to do whatever he had to do to tend to his back. I asked if he wanted to go home, or if sitting in his Jeep would help.
That’s when the rain got heavier. My hair, which I had straightened, began to curl. He gazed at me like he was taking in a piece of incredible artwork. He commented on my beauty, my curls, my collar bones. He smiled as he touched the hair that had fallen onto my face ,and then slowly placed it back where it belonged. He took my hand and walked me to his Jeep.
He opened the door for me. We both sat inside. I was shivering and my jaw was chattering from the rain, and the fact that his AC was on full blast. He turned it off for me. We listened to some of his favorite songs, even one he said made him think of me. "Let Her Cry." I did think things were moving fast. I already had a song?
He kept speaking of a serious future, although we had only just met. BUT..the conversation had been going on for several hours by this point, and we had had the six hour phone date the night before. I pushed all fears and negativity out of my mind. I didn’t want to doubt an experience that felt so damn beautiful.
I had hoped for a best friend who understood me the way he seemed to for a very long time. I had kept to myself for such a long time-So many years of being all alone. I had never felt this way with anyone before. It was surreal, and amazing. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that night.
He and I sat in the Jeep with the music now turned down. He spoke about things that blew my mind because it was like we shared the same headspace.
He agreed with everything I said, but he did so in a manner that seemed natural. He acted so shocked when he said we were practically the exact same person.
I had hoped for a best friend who understood me the way he seemed to for a very long time. I had kept to myself for such a long time-So many years of being all alone. I had never felt this way with anyone before. It was surreal, and amazing. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that night.
He and I sat in the Jeep with the music now turned down. He spoke about things that blew my mind because it was like we shared the same headspace.
He agreed with everything I said, but he did so in a manner that seemed natural. He acted so shocked when he said we were practically the exact same person.
He said it was crazy and that he couldn't believe how in sync we were. All of his philosophies, and desires sounded just like mine! His eye contact was comforting and appealing.
His freakishly similar life-outlook seemed true because certain details were just different enough to seem like the were genuinely his own.
He shared that he'd been single and celibate for around two or three years. He said his buddies told him he should be out having fun and that after all he’d been through as a Marine, he deserves to sleep with 19 year old girls if he wants to! (he’s 40) I let him know that I thought that was disgusting, and that those girls hadn't even been out of high school for a full two years..But D.B. said he wasn’t like that, that he didn’t want that!
He shared that he'd been single and celibate for around two or three years. He said his buddies told him he should be out having fun and that after all he’d been through as a Marine, he deserves to sleep with 19 year old girls if he wants to! (he’s 40) I let him know that I thought that was disgusting, and that those girls hadn't even been out of high school for a full two years..But D.B. said he wasn’t like that, that he didn’t want that!
He told me he would never date someone he couldn't see himself marrying, and that that is why he had been keeping to himself.
He spoke of the types of men he hated- the ones he said were all talk and would lie to a girl about wanting a relationship just to get sex. He said he couldn't stand that because those dudes are always talking about how great they are, and If someone is great you'll be able to see it. "I mean, don't listen to what I say, watch what I do." Oh, how I wish I had taken that man's advice sooner..mhm.
He assured me that he was old enough to know what he actually wanted, and that he was ready for us and to work towards a future with someone who cared, understood, and wanted the same things he did.
He said he was ready for me, for 'us.' We talked about a lot.
He said he never thought he'd meet someone at his age, and that he thought he lost the chance to ever end up with a wife and kids.
At some point I thanked him for opening my doors for me.
His next words were exactly as follows-
“You’ll see if we’re together, you’ll be everything. I mean that you’ll be important. School will still be top priority, but you’ll definitely be up there!
I’m not gonna just open doors, you’ll be my queen!”
He and I talked more than all of the writings on this massive website combined..We shared that many words. He said he was shocked that he met me, that he could see us having something amazing, us being together, us ending up together long term.
He stared at me with eyes wide open and a charming smile without ever unlocking his eyes from mine. It was intense. I never suspected a thing. I was overwhelmed, infatuated, shocked, and just high on what felt so positive..happy. Oh no.
Back to us in the Jeep. I really liked that Jeep, and his face.
He had only gotten that one little awkward kiss earlier on the steps. He had an endearing, mischievous smirk on his face. He asked for another kiss. I told him I wanted to, but that I was just really nervous because I hadn't been that close to a man in nearly a decade. I didn't even know if I remembered how to kiss! Ha.
He leaned across the way to me and slowly kissed one awkward tiny kiss at a time. With each kiss I would giggle like a goofball. I tried not to, but it kept happening.
I giggled each time he kissed me for several kisses in a row. It was adorable and real.- At least, for me it was.. He'd back away and slowly come back over and over until we got to the real kissing lol.
There was a moment when he held my face and tenderly said with a smile and sad eyes, "You're so accepting." I thought he was referring to me not being bothered by all of the graphic war stories and heavy issues he had. Maybe he was referring to something else entirely, like me accepting all he said as fact.
I wanted to assure him his struggles were not off-putting to me..that I appreciated the honesty and vulnerability he was so willing to offer me, so I said, "Well yeah, why wouldn't I be."
I smiled at him and gave him another little kiss. My heart was flying! I wanted him to know he was wanted and that he mattered. That no dark past or depressing stories he shared would run me off or make me think less of him.
It probably took five or six fumbling, shy kisses to work up to the point of the real kissing. It was funny, and sweet. I literally kept giggling. My innocence, vulnerability, and sincerity were looking him dead in the face.
One kiss at a time, then two ,then woo woo. He is an incredible kisser..but a cruel person.
He pushed my seat back. That was interesting! Then we went to the back of his big Jeep. He playfully said,
“Oh, falling for you is gonna be fun.”
We kissed and then I held his face while we stared at each other. He said with a worried brow and a smile, “You’re trouble.” More kissing followed. Over seven years without a kiss people! This was monumental for me!
He said, "I adore everything about you." So um. We made out for at least three hours. So sorry to scar you like that.. But that's what went down. It was nice. I mean, probably not for him, because we literally only kissed the entire time. But yeah. I had a great time. It was a major rush. We don't need to go into any more detail than that. It was just a very fun PG-13 time.
A 30 year old woman nervous to kiss is adorable, and you know it! 😂 I’ll never defame his kissing. That's one thing he is very good at. (He probably just had A LOT of practice..I’d rather a bad kisser over a bad person any day)
After about bajillion years of kissing later, he asked me "What do you think about labels?" I didn't get a chance to really answer, maybe he just read my face. He quickly said," because I kind of like them." ”You know, the titles. Girlfriend, boyfriend.”
After about bajillion years of kissing later, he asked me "What do you think about labels?" I didn't get a chance to really answer, maybe he just read my face. He quickly said," because I kind of like them." ”You know, the titles. Girlfriend, boyfriend.”
He wanted me to be his girlfriend. He said, "We should practice saying it." I still don't know what that meant. The titles? Was he going to drop the L-word that fast? It felt like he was.
It was a long, intense night.
We joked about how fast we were moving and he said maybe we'd say "I love you" in two days or a few hours. He added, “probably lit-trally in a week or two.” We laughed. It was too much. Way too much. BUT, I felt so high on the chemistry.
We were up at that school campus until at least 4am, maybe even 5. It was very late. Cafeteria workers had started to show up in the parking lot we were in.
I was dizzy from all of the attention and excitement, and just the.. everything! Too dizzy to see what was around me while my head was busy spinning in happy, blurry circles.
We were up at that school campus until at least 4am, maybe even 5. It was very late. Cafeteria workers had started to show up in the parking lot we were in.
I was dizzy from all of the attention and excitement, and just the.. everything! Too dizzy to see what was around me while my head was busy spinning in happy, blurry circles.
I drove home experiencing a frenzy of sensations and emotions, holding me in a complete stupor.
I was happy, kind of stunned, and just so very excited to see where this lovely, fun thing between us could go.
I was happy, kind of stunned, and just so very excited to see where this lovely, fun thing between us could go.
I had never enjoyed talking to someone so much in my life..then again I had avoided talking to men, so my standards weren’t very high.
It was an amazing night.
I know for me it was very real, and that I was very happy.
I know for me it was very real, and that I was very happy.
I did not foresee the night unfolding the way it did. I definitely didn’t think I’d be in a relationship by the end of it. I didn’t think my heart would feel as wonderful as it felt.
I cannot express how intoxicated, high, blissful, and incredible I felt walking around talking to him during our first date. It was more than a case of butterflies. The joy and peace I felt that night had me tingling from head to toe.
I was not used to receiving such undivided attention from a man, or spending that much time in anyone's company. I'd never really gotten out or spent quality time with people before.. I had one good friend I'd met at work, but this was different.
It felt like a remarkable experience. I was incredibly grateful for the way I felt and the time he had spent with me.
I never thought I'd be involved in a romantic relationship again. I had somewhat made sure of that.
Alarm bells were going off regarding the freakishly rapid pace of already being in a relationship after only three days of real communication.. and at such an awfully hard time in his life. But somehow, I felt so comfortable with him. Almost entranced. It was like I had known him for my entire life.
Alarm bells were going off regarding the freakishly rapid pace of already being in a relationship after only three days of real communication.. and at such an awfully hard time in his life. But somehow, I felt so comfortable with him. Almost entranced. It was like I had known him for my entire life.
Suddenly, with D.B. I was all in. I don't know how it happened, it just did.. Oops.
SIDENOTE—
A couple of weeks in, he started saying how we were polar opposites..Which we turned out to be. He wasn't compassionate or a loving push over like he described himself as at all..He said we were going to move so fast, but then he made my beg for attention and kindness..It just all kind of confirmed in my mind the fakery of our start. Of everything. :( Why should I have had to suspect the hideous truth??
I mean, surely no human would use their father's death to gain access to taking advantage of a kind person who was only involved because she cared about their well-being. I even did a background check to make sure that his father existed, and had indeed just passed away..because I thought if I saw that was true-I was safe. I mean, nobody would do that..nobody is that sick and heartless, especially not the kind, vulnerable man I was seeing in front of me..The man being SO open about his innermost thoughts, being refreshingly real with me..A man who 'gets me,' and who is sitting there listening to me speak about all of the pain I've already endured and how long I've been keeping to myself out of fear. He wouldn't do that.
I was only exposing so much of my personal history because HE was sharing so much of his own..
He knows I'm a good person who cares, and that I would be obliterated by such a malicious act. Surely his intentions are what he said they were! He couldn't have been disturbed enough to lie to me to use me, right?? Not this man telling me how he struggles with always putting others ahead of himself because he's such a compassionate person..
Why would someone do that..I mean, he's not somebody without a conscience! He isn't some predator..Right? He would never! He couldn't have..right? I'll never know if was ALL intentional, but it certainly seems it was. His hatefulness and complete disregard for my feelings make me believe it the entire relationship was nothing to him. It was a complete lie.
I really don’t understand how the hell I got caught up in it..
Why did I ignore my discomfort when he started moving way too fast on the first date?
Why’d I rationalize it and make it seem normal?..
Why’d I like that type of intense attention he gave me that night?..Oh wait. because I was lonely, very lonely and he was very selfish. He seemed like a real person. I thought he was just being impulsive like me. I never thought he was deceiving me.