My Lists for Moving On

He took away my joy, confidence, trust, and hope. I became enmeshed in his abusive nightmare. I believed in him. I gave everything I had to our relationship. I trusted him. I fought hard for him. He hurt me horribly. I forgive him. I will forgive myself and feel as good as I did before I met him, maybe even better. 

Our relationship was an unexpected set-back, but I want my life back. I have work to do on myself. Yet, even if I were to stay just as I am in this very moment, I'd still deserve far better than the malicious mistreatment he unleashed. I refuse to ever settle for it again.

He never treated me right. I gave him so many chances to do better. Each time he asked for me to trust him and believe in us again, he'd knowingly let me crash hard- utterly alone. He betrayed and abandoned me every single time I forgave him.

Believing in him led to nothing but heartbreaking disappointment.

I thought he was 'it' for me, but he was just another lesson. I treated him with compassion, patience, and devotion. I don't regret it. It hurt. I know he never cared about me, but I loved him. And actual love is a wonderful thing to have not only felt, but to have also chosen. I'm glad I chose to love, and I'm looking forward to meeting someone who will choose to do the same.

After he abruptly ended our relationship (the 1st time) in May 2020, I was advised to write what I loved and hated about our relationship. Even after writing these lists out, I still got sucked back in an additional four times. He discarded me in May, July, August, October, and February.

I kept accepting his apologies and excuses. I instinctively rationalized everything without truly realizing what was happening. It seems to have been my subconscious way to avoid the reality of being in this type of incredibly distressing situation..again.

I thought I was done being drawn to abusers. It had been nearly a decade since I escaped my last abusive relationship. I stayed single and continued building myself up for several consecutive years. I thought I would know better and be able to avoid this type of torture.

Falling for D.B, just another abusive man, overtook me with shame. Which is no fair and no good, because he shamed me enough to last a lifetime. I was determined to never suffer through the hell of abuse again, but here I am. It happened anyway.

List 1

When I was with him I felt:

List 2

Things I liked about him: 

• Our first date

• How he'd always talk about our future

• How he kissed me

• When he seemed to really try

• That he wanted me...sometimes

• How much he loves his mom

• His intelligence

• His taste in music 

• His sense of humor

• His face

• That I finally took a chance, and had let myself have a boyfriend. 

• Who he claimed to be..So, there are many more things that could be listed..but they're probably all lies he told me.
  

List 3

Things I didn’t like at all:  

• Our extreme lack of communication.

• How our only amazing communication was during our 6 hr phone-date & our first date. 

• He became cold towards me. 

• His temper.

• His negative assumptions and outlandish accusations

• That he never could let things just be alright, positive, and peaceful.

• I couldn't speak freely, enjoy his company, or feel secure in the relationship.

• That I wasn't allowed to want or express anything without fear of setting him off or losing him.

• His lack of questions about me that made me feel like he didn't care to know me.

• His constant, baffling contradictions

• His never ending, unpredictable shifts in mood creating constant chaos and anxiety

• That it was always his way, or no way at all.

• Him talking to his friends (girls he said wanted him) seemingly often- but not me.

• His blatant lies, seemingly pathological

• He was NEVER willing to talk it out, he'd just get livid if I tried.

• He didn't care if his actions were causing me severe pain and stress. If I told him, or asked him to stop, he'd lash out/ punish me to worsen the hell I was already in.

• That on date three he slept with me, and then right afterwards said he still hadn't forgiven me yet. He sure forgave me enough for us to be in his bedroom. It felt degrading.

• That he'd mention breaking up with me so easily and like a warning.

• He never put me first The inconsideration was so disheartening and constant, that I resigned all hopes of ever feeling happy. I accepted that my needs didn't matter, only his.

• Anything that mattered to me, wouldn't matter to him. He'd use his horrid experience in the Marines as an excuse for any issue that I brought up or cared about to be deemed unimportant-petty

• He talked down to me like I was a child or a subordinate

• His complete lack of appreciation for who I am, and for all I was sacrificing and putting effort into for him.

• That he told a 19yr old girl he had the hots for that he was having doubts about me

• Selfishness in his expression of affection

• He ignored me the entire week following our last date, yet had time to talk to Rose..

• His shocking ease with being outrageously cruel.

• I never felt special, or I felt special too easily by a single boring text because he never spoke to me. 

• He told me he had feelings for another woman-Rose.

• He wanted to break up with me any time I tried to discuss how his hostile behavior had hurt me
  

List 4

• He was the most compassionate person I would ever meet.

• One of his greatest struggles was always putting others ahead of himself. 

• He had been single for years, because he'd failed to meet anyone he could see himself having a real future with.

• He wouldn't date anyone he couldn't see himself marrying  

• He would treat me better than good, he would treat me like his queen. Spoil me.

• I was beautiful, funny, smart, charming, and wanted

• He would fall in love with me at a rapid pace

• We'd be happy together
   
• That how I’d been treated made him sad, and that he would never hurt me

• He was shocked and overwhelmed by what he felt with me.
   
• That he talked to his mother about falling for me, and was told 'that's how it is, you never see it coming.'

• That he wanted to be with me, be my boyfriend.
   
• That he would take me on a bunch of dates, treat me right, and show me what it is to be in a relationship with a good man.
  

List 5

After we started dating, he said:

• That he cared a great deal about me

• He was struggling horribly, angry, and in a dark place

• He wanted to have a child with me-now.

• He appreciated my forgiveness and patience with him

• He wanted to marry me, and have a family..within two years. That he was certain of what he wanted, and it was to be with me.

• We were going places; That it wasn't going to be easy, but we would make it

• That he was afraid to be vulnerable, but was going to stop throwing up walls because "with you I think the trust is there"

• I was the first girlfriend to be marriage material and it scared the sh*t out of him because he had accepted long ago that it was never going to happen for him.

• Things would get better, because he was starting to feel better/ less angry at the world over his father's death

• Was going to stop putting me on the back burner

• That he knew he couldn't keep lashing out at me. That he was going to do better

• He wanted me to be happy.

• That I was a wonderful, sweet girlfriend with a huge pure heart

List 6

He also said I was:

• LYING!!
  

• Trying to manipulate him

• Talking about dramatic bullsh*t

• Suffocating him

• Pushing all his buttons

• Clueless

• Asking for too much

• Experiencing thoughts and emotions I had no right to.

• Going to get too comfortable and become fat again

• Selfish

• Needing to "FU*KING STOP!" / shut up

• Too inexperienced to understand how to behave in a relationship

• Someone he regretted not breaking up with

• Surrounded by big red flags

• Crazy

• Really weird

• Pasty

• Crossing the line!

• Wrong

• Misunderstanding every situation

• His slut (said while ‘joking’ about his side-bitches) His context made is much worse.

• Blaming him (AKA holding him accountable for his unacceptable, damaging and abusive behavior)

• Pathetic

• That I’d fit in perfectly on Tinder (Which he had previously let me know was a place for whores) 

• Never going to hear from him again x5

List 7

How I felt before meeting him:

• Determined

• Hopeful

• Busy

• Happy

• Productive, accomplished

• Lonely

• Grounded

• Confident

• Deserving and desirable

• Safe

• Energetic

• Healthy

• Far removed from the abuse/trauma of my past

List 8

How I feel when he comes back:

• Angry

• Excited

• Nostalgic

• Annoyed, resentful 

• Overwhelmingly emotional

• Completely disoriented

• Infatuated,  in love

• Worried / Stressed/ Anxious

• Terrified

• Foolish

• Impulsive

• Ashamed / embarrassed

• Hopeful 

• Out of my mind

• Alone

• Physically ill

• Heart Racing

• Frozen, stuck 

• Pacified

• Relieved

• Crushed, Heartbroken

• Used

• Outraged

• Tortured

• Exhausted

• Insane

• Desperate

• Embarrassed

• Disappointed

• Panicked

• Betrayed

• Broken

• Rejected, unwanted, discarded

• Disgusting, hideous

• Inexpressibly empty

• Small, worthless

• Disoriented, Lost

• Alone

• Unrecognizable

• Responsible for it all

• Worried about him, deeply concerned about his well-being

• Then, before recovery starts to set in (anywhere from a couple of weeks to a few months after each of his 'reappear just to disappear' acts..): completely disinterested in life, inability to feel joy or much of anything. No desire, trust, hope, drive, care, energy, or emotional availability to loved ones-including my child, overtaken with hideous apathy.
  

• Once recovery starts kicking in: Moments of peace, hope, and gratitude for being freed of his cruelty. Oscillation between self-loathing and self-affirmation..as well as sadness and rage.

Journal Entry, Friday 5/22/20

Following this first discard on May 20th-

"I know only a few things for sure right now. I really hurt. I loved him in some way. I was invested. I was vulnerable. And I tried...Oh, and I miss him. I said I love you and he said, "Thanks, take care." I thought he was real. I really cared. I really really cared. I opened my heart to him. Truly. I wanted more."