Trauma Bond

Sections:

7 Stages of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding is similar to Stockholm Syndrome, in which people held captive come to have feelings of trust or even affection for the very people who captured and held them against their will. This type of survival strategy can also occur in a relationship. It is called trauma bonding, and it can occur when a person is in a relationship with a narcissist. 

The first step forward towards breaking free from a trauma bond is recognizing it.

Because of its addictive nature it can be difficult to break free on your own. It is recommended that you seek the support of a psychotherapist or recovery expert.
 

1.) Love Bombing:
They shower you with excess love, flattery and appreciation in order to gain your affection.

2.) Trust and Dependency:
Try do everything to win your trust and make you depend on them heavily for love and validation. You start to trust that they will love you forever. 

3.) Criticism:
They gradually start criticizing you. They blame you for things and become more demanding. They start reducing the amount of love and validation that they give you. 

4.) Gaslighting:
When things go wrong they tell you that is your fault. They make you doubt your own perceptions and manipulate you into believing their narrative. If you would only trust them and do exactly as they say, they would shower you with love again. 

5.) Resigning to Control:
You no longer know what to believe but your only way of experiencing the good feelings of Stage I is by giving in and doing things their way.

6.) Loss of Self:
When you fight back, things get worse, not better. You settle for anything to have some peace and make the fights stop. You are confused, unhappy, and lose all your confidence. Your self-esteem is at its absolute lowest.

7.) Addiction:
You get addicted to the highs and lows. Your body is on a constant cortisol high (stress) and craves dopamine (pleasure). This creates a cycle of dependency that feels a lot like a drug addiction.
 

Trauma bonding is especially fierce in situations where there are repetitive cycles of abuse, a desire to rescue the abuser, as well as the presence of both seduction and betrayal. 

Sources: https://themighty.com/2020/09/trauma-bonding-signs/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2019/03/narcissists-use-trauma-bonding-and-intermittent-reinforcement-to-get-you-addicted-to-them-why-abuse-survivors-stay

Manipulation & Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding is one reason that many stay in abusive relationships. Trauma bonding can occur in any type of abusive relationship, including abuse that is perpetrated by a narcissist.
 

One method by which narcissists inflict their abuse is through control and manipulation. With this manipulation, it is often hard for the person being abused to notice what is happening and they may not see the abuse in the same way as someone looking in.
 

Most abusive relationships start with the abuser love-bombing their victim. The abuser will figure out the victim's vulnerabilities and weaknesses, and then make him or her feel safe, beautiful, seen, or whatever other feeling the victim is craving. However, once the love-bombing phase ends, the abuser will begin to devalue their victim, and the episodes of abuse will start.
 

The victim then works harder and harder to please the abuser, often to the point of utter physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. The victim becomes consumed with getting back the "wonderful" person they met in the beginning.
 

Narcissists use love bombing as a tool to manipulate their target. Love bombing occurs when someone showers another person with gifts and affection as a way to gain control.
 

Love bombing is a form of conditioning by which the abuser provides positive reinforcement when the partner engages in a behavior they want.
 

When things go well, the narcissist will love bomb. However, when the narcissist's partner behaves in a way the narcissist doesn't want or agree with, they will punish through yelling, the silent treatment, or even physical abuse.
 

In an attempt to return to positive interactions with the narcissist, the partner being abused will change their behavior so as to not anger the narcissist.
 

This back and forth between love bombing and punishment is what creates the perfect environment for trauma bonding.
 

If the relationship was always bad, then it would be easier to leave because you wouldn't have hope for those good moments that do happen. When your narcissistic partner is caring and loving, they play that role so well and you believe them. You are drawn back into their grip and believe that the relationship has improved.
 

However, narcissists are unpredictable in this game of control they play. Only they know the rules, and the rules can change by the day, or even hour. They behave in a way to meet their needs in that moment and aren't focused on their partner's needs.
 

The dynamic between the narcissist and their partner becomes based on intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment. The intermittent reinforcement comes from the unpredictability of whether an action will be rewarded or punished, making it nearly impossible to predict.
 

The partner being abused thinks next time will be different because of the lack of consistency in how the abuse (or love bombing) was delivered in the past. For example, not drying the dishes fully this time may not lead to punishment as it had before so the partner thinks things are getting better.
 

While it is often difficult for the person in the abusive relationship to see the cycle of abuse that is happening, they may in fact be aware of this pattern. However, the partner being abused has developed a maladaptive behavior of forgiveness in response to punishment and this becomes their normal way of responding. They are trapped in this cycle and it is difficult to get out of. They can see what is happening, but don't know how to change when the narcissist continues to be abusive.

Source: https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/ad_read-more-articles-2/love-bombing-in-narcissistic-relationships

Signs of
Trauma Bonding

• WALKING ON EGGSHELLS: 
  When you find you are constantly monitoring your words or actions because you never know how they will be taken, this is a sign that you might be in a trauma bond. You never are quite sure what will lead to support or an outburst from your partner so you are cautious to avoid the punishment you could receive.

• MAKING EXCUSES FOR THE ABUSER: When people mention concerns for your relationship or how your partner treats you, do you make excuses? Do you find yourself attributing his outbursts to his childhood, a bad day at work, or that just being "who he is"? If so, this might be evidence of a trauma bond. 

• HIDING YOUR NEGATIVE EMOTIONS: People with narcissism have an unstable sense of self and cannot appropriately handle when someone displays negative emotions. This can lead to narcissistic injury and then narcissistic rage. As a way to avoid potential blow ups from your partner, you avoid the display of any negative emotions. As a result, you don't have the opportunity to express your own frustrations and other negative moods while you are always there to protect the negative emotions of your partner. 

• You want to leave someone, but you simply cannot bring yourself to cut them out of your life. This is one of the biggest warning signs that you are in a trauma bond. 

• You may find yourself deciding to leave your abuser, but then feeling a drawback to them that is so powerful that you lose your resolve. You may not even enjoy their company any longer, but when you are away from them, you feel a sense of primal panic. This feeling is so strong that you cannot focus on anything else other than reconnecting with the toxic person. 

• You’re in a relationship that you would never want any of your loved ones to be in. If you're in a relationship that you would never want to see your sibling, child, friend, or other loved one in, that is a red flag that you are in an abusive relationship and are likely trauma bonded to your abuser. The strength of the trauma bond keeps us in situations that we would immediately see as toxic if someone else was in them. But we convince ourselves that the strength of our feelings for our abusers makes our situation somehow different. 

• The person has some characteristics that remind you of a toxic parent or another caregiver. 

• You find yourself trying to get back to the past. You become consumed with getting back the "wonderful" person you met at the beginning. 

• You find yourself jumping through hoops to try to get back to the way things were at the beginning of your relationship, you may be in a trauma bond. 

• You're justifying behavior that you know is wrong. You find yourself justifying behavior that you know for a fact is wrong or abusive, you are likely in a trauma bond. For example, your partner may rage at you and call you names, but you explain it away to yourself by thinking: He/she just had a bad childhood. That's why they can't help raging at me. In extreme cases, this sort of justifying can lead people to stay in physically abusive relationships that endanger their lives.
   
• If you find yourself justifying unacceptable behavior because of your strong feelings for a person, this is a huge warning sign that you are in a toxic relationship and are likely trauma-bonded.

• A pattern of non-performance: the person constantly promises you things and constantly lets you down.

• Others seem disturbed by things that happen to you but you brush it off.

• You have tried to leave, but it makes you feel physically ill, like you will die or your life will be destroyed if you do. 

• You know the person is "sometimes" abusive and destructive, but you focus on the "good" in them.

• You feel protective about the person because of their "difficult past" or "childhood" and find yourself caring for them despite their abusive behavior. 

• You know you are being manipulated, but you're often in denial and block out or quickly forget bad things. 

• The relationship is intense and inconsistent.

• You do everything to please them and are unconditionally loyal while getting nothing but heartbreak in return.

• They say things you want to hear to resolve issues temporality - "I have learned my lesson," "I will prove my love for you everyday," "Life is impossible without you." 

• You are driven to the point of self-destruction and may harbor thoughts of self-harm. 
   

• You change your own behaviors, appearance and/or personality in an attempt to meet the abuser's moving goal posts, although the abuser rarely changes their own behavior to please you.

• You are willing to lower your standards time and time again for this toxic person, accepting what you previously believed was unacceptable. 

• You might develop addictions to dissociate from the pain of the abuse and the acute sense of shame caused by the abuse. 

• Even when you attempt to leave the abuser, you give into the abuser's faux remorse, crocodile tears and claims to change for the future. 

• The pattern of abuse and its cycle may be evident, but you hold onto the false hope that things can get better. 

• You defend your abuser and keep their transgressions a secret. 

• You might refuse to press charges against your abuser or defend them against family members or friends who try to tell you that they are toxic.

• You may even present your relationship as a happy one to the public eye, attempting to minimize their abusive behavior and romanticizing and exaggerating any positive behaviors they dole out occasionally.

• You "need" their validation and approval, looking to them as the source of comfort after incidents of abuse. This is evidence of a strong biochemical and psychological attachment to them. 

• You walk on eggshells trying to please your abuser, even though they give you little in return except for crumbs of affection and more pain. 

• You know they are abusive and manipulative, but you can't seem to let go.

• You ruminate over the incidents of abuse, engage in self-blame, and the abuser becomes the sole arbiter of your self-esteem and self-worth.
  

The uncertainty on what actions will gain you praise, and which will lead to punishment can feel confusing and overwhelming.
 

You might seek validation from your partner as a way to gain support and consistency, but this only strengthens the maladaptive behaviors from the narcissist and the trauma bond.
 

Because of its addictive nature it can be difficult to break free on your own. Seeking the support of a psychotherapist or recovery expert is highly recommended.
 

Trauma bonds can occur because of childhood or unresolved past trauma. Both genders can be victims of a trauma bond.

 Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-recognize-the-signs-of-trauma-bonding

Intermittent Reinforcement

Exploitive relationships create betrayal bonds. These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to him or her.
 

“Why didn't she just leave?”

is a question that makes many victims of abuse cringe, and for good reason.
 

Even after years of research about the effects of trauma and abuse and the fact that abuse victims often go back to their abusers an average of seven times before they finally leave, society still does not seem to understand the powerful effects of trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement in an abusive relationship.
 

Trauma bonding is evidenced in any relationship which the connection defies logic and is very hard to break. 
 

The components necessary for a trauma bond to form are a power differential, intermittent good and bad treatment, {as well as} high arousal and bonding periods. 
 

Trauma bonding is a bond that develops when two people undergo intense, risky emotional experiences together. In the context of an abusive relationship, this bond is strengthened due to the heightened intimacy and danger. 
 

Similar to the way Stockholm Syndrome manifests, the abuse victim bonds with his or her abuser as both the source of terror and comfort in an attempt to survive the tumultuous relationship.
  

As a result, abuse victims feel a misplaced, unshakeable sense of loyalty and devotion to their abusers, which to an outsider may appear nonsensical. Those standing outside see the obvious.
 

All these relationships are about some insane loyalty or attachment. They share exploitation, fear, and danger. They also have elements of kindness, nobility, and righteousness.
 

These are all people who stay involved with or wish to stay involved with people who betray them. Emotional pain, severe consequences and even the prospect of death do not stop their caring or commitment.
 

Clinicians call this traumatic bonding. This means that the victims have a certain dysfunctional attachment that occurs in the presence of danger, shame or exploitation. There often is seduction, deception or betrayal.
 

The Role of Intermittent Reinforcement

Intermittent reinforcement (in the context of psychological abuse) is a pattern of cruel, callous treatment mixed in with random bursts of affection.

Intermittent reinforcement causes the victim to perpetually seek the abuser's approval while settling for the crumbs of their occasional positive behavior, in the hopes that the abuser will return to the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Like a gambler at a slot machine, victims are unwittingly "hooked" to play the game for a potential win, despite the massive losses. 
 

This manipulation tactic also causes us to perceive their rare positive behaviors in an amplified manner. In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope a small sign that the situation may improve.
 

When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the abusers benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the captor In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not all bad and may at some time correct his/her behavior.
 

The abuser hands out rewards such as affection, a compliment, or gifts sporadically and unpredictably throughout the abuse cycle. Think of the violent husband who gives his wife flowers after assaulting her, or the kind words an abusive mother gives to her child after a particularly harsh silent treatment.
 

Controlling abusers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation.
 

There is also a biochemical addiction involved when it comes to intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonding. Love activates the same areas of the brain responsible for cocaine addiction. 
 

In adversity-ridden relationships, the effects of biochemical addiction can be even more powerful. When oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, cortisol, and adrenaline are involved, the abusive nature of the relationship can actually strengthen, rather than dampen, the bond of the relationship in the brain.*
 

For example, dopamine is a neurotransmitter which plays a key role in the pleasure center of our brains. It creates reward circuits and generates associations in our brain which link our romantic partners with pleasure and even survival.
 

The hot and cold behaviors of a toxic relationship actually exacerbate our dangerous attachment to our abusers rather than deterring it - creating an addiction that is not unlike drug addiction.
 

This is just one of the ways the brain is affected by abuse, so imagine how difficult it can be for a traumatized individual to break the bond. 

Source: psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/narcissists-use-trauma-bonding-and-intermittent-reinforcement-to-get-you-addicted-to-them-why-abuse-survivors-stay#Signs-of-a-Trauma-Bond

Why It Forms

People who haven't experienced abuse often struggle to understand why people remain in abusive relationships. They might believe you're perfectly capable of leaving. In reality, though, the trauma bond makes this extremely difficult.
 

Often, those with CPTSD were raised in homes with some kind of abuse, neglect, or other form of trauma. Unfortunately, this makes us primed up to get into similarly abusive situations as adults. Our nervous systems are already wired to respond to the up-down cycle of intermittent reinforcement that is so characteristic of toxic and abusive relationships.
 

People don't choose abuse. They also can't help the development of trauma bonds, which are driven by some pretty strong biological processes. 
 

The freeze response

Perhaps you're familiar with the fight-or-flight response, your body's automatic response to any perceived threat. Maybe you're even aware people respond to threats in four different ways: fight, flight, freeze, fawn.
 

When you face abuse or fear the possibility of future abuse, your brain recognizes the impending distress and sends a warning to the rest of your body. Adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones) flood in, jump-starting your survival instinct and triggering emotional and physical tension.
 

When thoughts of the abuse become too painful or difficult to bear, you choose to focus on the positive parts of your relationship and ignore or block the rest. You might make excuses for them and justify their behavior to rationalize your need to stay. (Cognitive dissonance)
 

Each repetition of the cycle can reinforce this sense of powerlessness, the seeming certainty that you'll never be able to escape. You come to believe the false reality they've constructed to control you: You need them. They need you. You're nothing without them. No one else cares.
 

These lies can chip larger and larger blocks from your identity and self-worth, tying you more tightly to the relationship.
  
 

Hormones play a part too

Hormones can be powerful reinforcers. You only have to look at dopamine's role in addiction to find support for this. Dopamine has a similar function in trauma bonding. After an incident of abuse, the period of calm that often follows can ease your stress and fear.
 

Apologies, gifts, or physical affection offered by the abusive person serve as rewards that help reinforce the rush of relief and trigger the release of dopamine. Since dopamine creates feelings of pleasure, it can strengthen your connection with the abuser. You want the dopamine boost, so you continue trying to make them happy to earn their affection.
 

Physical affection or intimacy also prompt the release of oxytocin, another feel-good hormone that can further strengthen bonds. Not only does oxytocin promote connection and positive feelings, it can also ease fear. Physical affection from an abusive partner, then, might dim distress and emotional pain, making it easier to focus on the positive treatment.
 

When victims don't understand trauma-bonding, they often mistake these powerful feelings of attachment for love. But these feelings are not love. They are symptoms of the trauma bond and likely of attachment trauma going back to childhood.

Sources: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201905/trauma-bonding-codependency-and-narcissistic-abuse & https://cptsdfoundation.org/recognizing-and-breaking-a-trauma-bond/

Why It's So Hard to Leave the Abusive Narcissist

Humans are wired to emotionally bond with the people around them. This ability to bond is the glue that keeps families and relationships together. 

When we feel endangered or insecure our natural reaction is to reach out to those we are bonded with for protection...But what happens when the person we are bonded to is the one who is mistreating us?? Then our tendency to bond works against us.

 

Under normal circumstances, we might be able to walk away from our abuser and look for help elsewhere. Unfortunately, the conditions that create trauma bonding are not at all normal.

 

With "Narcissistic Trauma Bonding," you are initially showered with intense love and approval. It is like a fantasy come true. 

Then gradually the ratio of positive to negative events shifts-often so subtly that you cannot say exactly when this happened. 

You find yourself in fights with someone you desperately love who claims that everything bad that is happening is all your fault.

Unless you walk out immediately and never look back, you are well on your way to becoming this person's psychic prisoner. 

You will find yourself "Trauma Bonded" to someone who is destroying you. This is like your own personal opiate addiction crisis.

You are now addicted to this person's approval and only desire their love and no one else's. You know you should stop, but you do not have the willpower to do so on your own. 

How is it possible that this can happen to a normally sane and functional person like you?   

The answer to this question lies in understanding the underlying dynamics of how humans react to a combination of dependency and abuse coupled with intermittent reinforcement.

Many research studies have focused on how to get healthy laboratory rats to keep pressing a bar in the hope that they would continue to get food pellets. The researchers' goal was to keep the rats working for rewards long after they had stopped giving them any. They chose lab rats because they react very similarly to humans in these types of situations. (There's a point in reading about this study. I promise.)The researchers experimented with different patterns of rewards and found the following:

• Pattern 1 - Reward them every time they press. This was the least effective reward schedule. The rats expected to be rewarded after every bar press. When the rewards stopped, they might press one or two more times just to see whether any new food appeared. But...even the dumbest rats quickly wandered away and stopped paying attention to the bar. 
   
• Pattern 2 - Reward for every 10th press. Here the researchers got the rats used to pressing the food bar 10 times before the food came out. This means that the rats could not learn that no more food would come until after they had already done the work of pressing at least 10 times. Most tried at least one more time and did another set of 10. Eventually, all the rats realized there were no more food rewards for bar pressing and they stopped working and wandered off to look elsewhere for food.
    

• Pattern 3 - Reward every 10 minutes. Here the rats learned that they would only get food on a set time schedule. Once they figured out that they would get rewarded 10 minutes after a press, they would eventually get very economical with their presses. They would press once or twice towards the end of the 10-minute period, then stop and wait for their reward. After the rewards stopped, it only took a few non-rewarded 10-minute periods for the rats to stop pressing the bar. Result: The researchers learned that having any predictable pattern of rewards for pressing the bar resulted in fewer bar presses after the rewards stopped for good.
   

• Pattern 4 - Intermittent Reinforcement. The researchers finally outwitted the rats by doing away with any predictable pattern of reward. They varied the times between rewards and how many bar presses would be required to get food in exchange for work. Result: The rats kept pressing the bar, even though they were never rewarded again.

In the terminology of "Learning Psychology," the response of bar pressing was never extinguished on a schedule of "intermittent reinforcement." In human language, the rats continued to work in the hope that someday they would once again be rewarded.
 

 

How does all of this apply to being in a relationship with an abusive Narcissist?

STAGE 1: 
Continuous Reward with Nothing Required in Return

In the beginning, when the Narcissistic individual is focused on "getting" you, they give you lots of emotional food pellets in the form of attention, praise, and sweet gestures. They tell you how wonderful you are, bring you thoughtful gifts, and focus on making you feel good.  

Almost everyone responds well to getting continuously stroked and praised by someone that they find attractive. This is the Narcissistic courtship pattern that has come to be known as "Love Bombing."

All that they ask for in return is that you continue to give them a chance to prove their love to you. This is the human equivalent of teaching the lab rat where to look for food pellets. 

STAGE 2: 

Performance Rewards

Once Narcissistic individuals feel more secure with you, they stop continuously rewarding you. Now you only get positive attention when you do things that make the Narcissist feel good. Enough positive attention is still flowing your way that you do not really notice that now you only get rewarded when you "press the bar." In human terms, you are being groomed to want to please the Narcissist in your life.
 

STAGE 3: 
Devaluation Starts, Rewards Decrease

In this stage, your Narcissistic mate starts to occasionally mistreat you. They may become critical of you, become controlling, or publicly put you down. You still get occasional emotional "treats," but now they are unpredictable. The bad moments start to outweigh the good. You are now on the equivalent of an "intermittent reinforcement schedule." 
 

STAGE 4: 

"Gaslighting"

If this is your first experience with an abusive Narcissist, you are likely to be extremely puzzled as to why this is happening. Your Narcissistic mate supplies the answer. They insist that you are the problem. If only you would do more of a, b, or c, and stop doing x, y, and z, everything would go back to being perfect. The term "Gaslighting" comes from a movie in which a man deliberately tries to drive his wife crazy by making her doubt her own perceptions of reality.

 

STAGE 5: 

Control Is Established

If you give in and start to believe what your Narcissistic mate says and give them even more control over you, BINGO!! You are now in a mini Stockholm Syndrome situation. The person who is mistreating you is now in charge of doling out everything. You have become dependent and infantilized.

STAGE 6:
Resignation and Loss of Self

You are now their helpless prisoner hoping that if you do exactly what they say and show them enough love, they will love you back and be kind to you again.

STAGE 7:
Addiction, Leaving, and "Hoovering"
 

Addiction:

At this point you are addicted to their approval. You are no longer thinking rationally. Instead of hating them for abusing you and wanting to be rid of them, you are afraid of losing them to someone else. You are totally trauma bonded to them.
 

This means that you refuse to see the obvious

This person never loved you, cannot love anyone, and they are too narcissistic to care how you feel or how much damage they do to your life.  
 

Leaving:

If you happen to summon up the inner strength to leave, your Narcissistic mate will suddenly change their tactics. They now start trying to suck you back into the relationship. This is informally called "Hoovering," after the vacuum cleaner by that name.
 

Hoovering:

They may start by doing something minor, like suddenly starting to "like" your social media posts. Then they may send you a casual text asking how work is going. If that does not get you to respond, they up the ante. They go back to the "Love Bombing" tactics that got you interested in them in the first place. If you continue to resist, they try even harder. 

They make promises that they have no intention of keeping. They say anything that they think you want to hear. 

• I love you so much. 

• Life is not worth living without you. 

• I made the biggest mistake of my life when I treated you that way. 

• I see now that it was all my fault. 

• I learned my lesson. 

• From now on I will treat you like the Queen/King that you are. 

• I will prove my love for you every day. 

• Everything will be different this time. 

• I have changed. 

Wishful Thinking

Many people get sucked back into the relationship again at this point. After all, you reason, what if they really have changed? Won't I regret it forever if I do not give them a chance now? 

At this point, you are choosing to ignore everything that you know about this person on the slim chance that they have somehow magically transformed themselves into a decent and reliable human being who actually cares about you. 

What is really going on is that it feels really good to be wanted again. Everything that they are telling you, no matter how unlikely, is like a soothing salve for your wounds.

You were so so humiliated and hurt by the careless way that they discarded you, and you have already invested so much in the relationship, that you hate to believe that all of this has been a total waste. In addition, it feels so good to be courted again that you simply do not want to walk away while you are getting more of what you have always wanted from them. 

The Cycle of Abuse Begins Again

Unfortunately, the moment that your Narcissistic loved one realizes that you are now "caught," the rewards diminish, and the cycle of abuse begins again and continues until you walk away or get discarded. 
 

Punchline

Even strong people can be trained to submit by the right combination of praise and punishment.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201801/why-is-it-so-hard-leave-the-narcissist-in-your-life

Breaking a Trauma Bond

When we get into these relationships, we often find ourselves deep in the clutches of a trauma bond with the toxic individual who is causing us so much pain. We can logically know that this person is not good for us and even make plans to leave, but some powerful force seems to keep pulling us back to them time and time again.
 

So, what can you do if you suspect that you're trauma-bonded to someone who is abusive or toxic? Here are a few steps to get you started on the path to breaking the bond and healing yourself.

Educate yourself.

The more you understand trauma-bonding and abusive relationships, the more you will be able to see your toxic relationship clearly. Educate yourself as much as you can on the topic.

Get a therapist.

Getting a therapist who understands abuse, trauma-bonding, attachment trauma, etc. can be extremely helpful as you pull away from an abusive relationship and focus on healing. A good therapist will not only help you leave the toxic relationship, he or she will also help you understand and heal the original traumas that made you vulnerable to an abuser in the first place. 

Go No Contact.

Going no contact is one of the quickest ways to help break a trauma bond. When you cut off your abuser entirely, you end the up-down cycle that created the trauma bond in the first place. At first, going no-contact can feel incredibly difficult, as your body is dealing with the drop of hormones associated with that person. But after a few months of no-contact, you will likely find yourself starting to feel more stable and calm. If you cannot go completely no-contact because of children, shared property, etc, you can go minimal contact.

Focus on healthy bonds.

If you suffer from attachment trauma, you may have a long history of unstable relationships. In order to learn to attach in a healthy way, you need to focus on creating safe and healthy bonds with others. This can be anything from seeing a therapist regularly to attending a support group for survivors to joining a religious community, to making healthy friendships, etc. If you are having a hard time relating to others after a traumatic relationship, you can start small by going to therapy, getting a pet, volunteering, or some other activity that creates a connection in a low-pressure environment.

Challenge yourself to do new things.

When you are breaking a trauma bond, you are fighting obsessive thoughts about your abuser. A great way to help yourself break out of this pattern is to start doing new things. Take a class, go on a trip, join a meetup group, or do anything else that interests you. This will help you build self-confidence, help your brain create new neural pathways, and help you stop obsessing about your abuser while your body and mind are detoxing from the relationship.
 

Breaking a trauma bond can be one of the most difficult things you ever do. However, the freedom on the other side is worth it. 

Use this time of healing to delve into and heal your childhood wounds. Healing yourself is the best protection against falling into another abusive relationship in the future.

Source: https://cptsdfoundation.org/2019/11/22/recognizing-and-breaking-a-trauma-bond/

10 Steps to Recover from a Trauma Bond

Trauma bonds occur in very toxic relationships, and tend to be strengthened by inconsistent positive reinforcement-or at least the hope of something better to come. 
 

Trauma bonds occur in extreme situations such as abusive relationships, hostage situations, and incestuous relationships, but also in any ongoing attached relationship in which there is a great deal of pain interspersed with times of calm (or maybe just less pain). I liken it to a heroin addiction-the relationship promises much, gives fleeting feelings of utopia, and then it sucks away your very soul.
 

If you or someone you know has been in an abusive relationship, you have witnessed the strength of this type of connection. Maybe you or someone you know is trying to get out, but seems incapable of leaving.

Well, there is hope. Here is some advice on how to break free from this type of stronghold:
 

1. Make a commitment to live in reality. If you find yourself wanting to fantasize about what could be or what you hope will be, stop. Remind yourself that you have made a commitment to live in truth. Even if you don't choose to leave the relationship immediately, in the meantime you can at least remind yourself that you will stop fantasizing about what is not happening.
    
2. Live in real time. That means stop holding on to what "could" or "will" happen tomorrow. Notice what is happening in the moment. Notice how trapped you feel. Notice how unloved you feel and how you have compromised your self-respect and self-worth for this relationship. Pay attention to your emotions. Stop hoping and waiting, and start noticing in real time what is happening and how it is affecting you.
    
3. Live one decision at a time and one day at a time. Sometimes people scare themselves with all-or-nothing thinking. Don't tell yourself things like, "I have to never talk to the toxic person again or else"; this is akin to trying to lose weight by telling yourself you can never eat chocolate again. While it is true that your relationship is an unhealthy one, you don't need to make every encounter a do-or-die situation. Don't scare yourself.
    
4. Make decisions that only support your self-care. That is, do not make any decision that hurts you. This goes for emotional "relapses" as well. If you find yourself feeling weak, don't mentally berate yourself, but rather talk to yourself in compassionate, understanding, and reflective ways. Remind yourself that you are a work in process and life is a journey. Do not make the uncaring decision to mentally beat yourself up. In every encounter you have with the object of your obsession, stop and think about each choice you make. Make choices that are only in your best interest. 
    
5. Start feeling your emotions. Whenever you are away from the toxic person in your life and feel tempted to reach out to them for reassurance, stop. Consider writing your feelings down instead. Write whatever comes to you. For example, "I feel ____. I miss ____. I wish I could be with ____ right now, but I am going to sit and write my feelings down instead. I am going to teach myself how to feel my way through the obsession, rather than turning to ____." This may help you to build inner strength. Learn to simply be with your emotions. You don't need to run from them, hide from them, avoid them, or make them go away. Once you fully feel them, they may begin to subside. Remember: the only way out is through.
    
6. Learn to grieve. Letting go of a toxic relationship and breaking a traumatic bond may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. You cannot do it without honoring the reality you are losing something very valuable to you.
    
7. Understand the "hook." Identify what, exactly, you are losing. It may be a fantasy, a dream, an illusion. Perhaps your partner had convinced you into believing they were going to fulfill some deep, unmet need. Once you can identify what this need (or hook) is, you can get down to the business of grieving. Grieving means (figuratively) holding your hands open and letting it go. You say goodbye to the notion the need you have may never be met. At minimum, it will not be met by this relationship.
    
8. Write a list of bottom-line behaviors for yourself. Possible examples: "(1) I will not sleep with someone who calls me names. (2) I will not argue with someone who has been drinking. (3) I will take care of my own finances. (4) I will not have conversations with anyone when I feel desperate (or defensive, or obsessive, etc.)." Whatever your areas of concern, determine what you need to do to change and make those your bottom-line behaviors.
    
9. Build your life. Little by little, start dreaming about your future for yourself (and your children, if you have them); in other words, make dreams that don't involve your traumatic partner. Maybe you want to go to school, start a hobby, go to church, or join a club. Start making life-affirming choices for yourself that take you away from the toxic interactions that have been destroying your peace of mind.
    
10. Build healthy connections. The only way to really free yourself from unhealthy connections is to start investing in healthy ones. Develop other close, connected, and bonded relationships that are not centered on drama. Make these your "go-to" people. It is extremely difficult to heal without support. Notice the people in your life who show you loving concern, and care and hang around with them as often as you can. Reach out for professional help as needed.

9 Ways to Break Traumatic Bonding 

1. STOP THE SECRET SELF-BLAME. 

Is there a secret voice in your head that says you are to stupid or weak to leave, that you deserve this, that it's the best you'll get? What if it's not your fault that you can't leave? What if, actually, your brain is programmed to be loyal to an abuser and see the best in an abusive situation? The truth is that most of us who end up in this sort of relationship suffered abuse as a child, whether that was sexual abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and/or physical abuse. As a child, making the best of the abusive situation was the only option. Unless you did therapy to process your beliefs and experiences, your brain will still believe this is the best survival tactic - to put up with abuse. If the person who abused you was a parent or family member, you might even have a deep-rooted unconscious core belief that abuse is love.

2. START REALITY TRAINING. 

A defense mechanism we use to stay trapped by a trauma bond is denial. We block out, quickly forget, and/or rewrite the reality of the abuse and focus on the things he or she promised - that future marriage that never comes, that day he or she quits drinking. Making a record of everything that happens is a great start to 'getting real'. But of course this must be something your abuser can never find. Leave the list at work, or in an email draft of an account he or she does not and will never have the pass code to. Each day write down key points of what happened between you. What he or she said and did. Be as factual as possible. And sure, write down the good things, too. Start to see if there are patterns. 

3. ASK GOOD QUESTIONS. 

Questions can shift our perspective, reveal our true feelings and give us clarity. The secret is to learn how to ask good questions. Avoid 'why' questions, which send you on a spiral and can leave you depressed (learn more in our article on "the Power of the Right Questions to Move Your Life Forward".) How long ago did your partner start making promises? What has he or she done exactly to fulfil those promises? What is your ideal relationship? How does this relationship differ? What changes do you want your partner to make? What proof do you have they can make such changes? 

4. SHIFT PERSPECTIVE. 

A shift in perspective gives you all new clarity. You can try out the perspective of anyone, real or fictional, dead or alive, and even different versions of yourself. How would your 80 year-old self feel looking back at your life? What would your 5 year old self tell you about what you are doing right now? If you bumped into Lady Gaga with your partner, what would she have to say? What about Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz? If you suddenly won the lottery, what would you do about this situation? 

5. START A LONG PUT-OFF PROJECT WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT. 

The thing about trauma bonds is that we lose ourselves to them. Our entire life becomes about the intense highs and lows of the relationship. Putting our focus on a long put off goal is about remembering who we are. Make sure it is nothing to do with your partner. Whether it's learning ballet, writing a novel, or finally finishing high school, this is your lifeline back to yourself. 

6. PUT YOUR FOCUS ON FEELING. 

Abuse is numbing. It leads to dissociation, where you feel you are floating out of your body. Or emotional dysregulation, where you have wild fluctuating big emotions, but through the storm don't know which ones are your real feelings. Starting to feel what we have been repressing gives us a clearer picture of what we are really going through. Set your alarm to go off several times a day then sit for a minute trying to notice what you feel. Can you name the emotion? (Bored isn't an emotion. What is beneath the emotion? Sadness? Grief?). Check in with your body next. How I am feeling in my skin? Do I feel tension, unease, fatigue? Where in my body do I feel unwell or tense?

7. STOP THE GAMES. 

One of the ways a trauma bond thrives is through intensity and conflict. So one of the ways to dampen the bond is to stop your side of the battle. Stop the blame. Start noticing each time you say 'you make me feel this when you do that'. Replace 'you' sentences by making them 'I' ones which stops the blame. "I feel this when you do that'. Stop demanding they explain things. Each time you hear yourself wanting to force them to explain try to step away and timeout. An abuser will never tell you the truth anyway. Make a list of all the ways you expect them to change. You cannot change someone else. Try to stop pushing for any of those changes (this will also help you see them more clearly).

8. TAP INTO SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU. 

This does not mean you have to become religious, or believe in God. For some, spirituality means getting out in nature, for others it is meditating and feeling a higher power. For others, it's simply taking a quiet moment to think of all the other people in the world going through a similar situation and doing their best. The point is to realize you are not alone. That there might be bigger reasons for you to be here, and it's time to move forward. 

9. SEEK UNBIASED SUPPORT. 

If there is only one thing on this list you do, make it this one. Breaking a trauma bond is hard to do alone, and support is vital. Unbiased support means support from someone outside the situation, who isn't part of your life or invested in your choices. This might at first be a support group, or an online forum of other women who are going through something similar. Do your best to find some professional support, too. 
 

Remember most trauma bonding happens because we already went through trauma in the past. So there is a lot going on, and it can be truly overwhelming to navigate alone. A professional is trained in helping you have clarity of thought and to find your inner resources. They are a willing ear, too, when you just need to rant or cry in ways you never usually let yourself.

Source: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm

Codependency with Narcissists

Within a trauma bond, the narcissist's partner-who often has codependency issues-first feels loved and cared for..

 

However, this begins to erode over time, and the emotional, mental, and sometimes physical abuse takes over the relationship.

The attachment system of the narcissist is highly dysfunctional and cannot form bonds because the narcissist has an incoherent sense of self, hence he only has a one-way flow.
 

The codependent understands the change, but not why it is occurring. They believe they just need to understand what they are doing wrong in order to bring back the loving part of the relationship.

 

If they do manage to break free, all the narcissist has to do is go back to that courtship phase to win them back.

 

The more the codependent reaches out to the narcissist for love, recognition, and approval, the more the trauma bond is strengthened.

 

This also means the codependent will stay in the relationship when the abuse escalates, creating a destructive cycle.

 

Narcissists all go through cycles of abuse and kindness that confuses the victim even further. This is often why it is difficult for victims to leave abusive relationships even if they know that they are in a toxic relationship. 

Trauma bonding is a subconscious survival strategy and a way of coping with prolonged, severe, and/or repetitive abuse.

 

The narcissist will reward your good behavior. Therefore, if you are obedient and compliant, he will idealize you.

 

He might tell you how amazing you are and how much he treasures you in his life. He might even randomly do things that he does not usually do. For instance, he might buy a gift or do chores which he never does… 

Thus, you may end up feeling a sense of relief, hope, and temporary happiness. Then suddenly, he tells you that you are worthless, stupid, and can't get anything right, and he makes you feel betrayed and neglected.  

This way, he fosters an emotional dependency and wants to control your emotional state.

 

Trauma bonding is not caused by a narcissist but is the result of the relationship between the victim and the narcissist.

 

If you had a relationship with a narcissist, it means that you have some characteristics that put you in danger of becoming prey to psychopathic manipulators.

This kind of problem raises from childhood, from the relationship you had with your parents or other caregivers. That's the main reason you had a toxic relationship with a narcissist.

Separating from the narcissistic abuser is key. This means physical and emotional separation, although the physical side of the separation is much easier.
 

Although, narcissists will appear capable at the beginning of a relationship due to their mental acuity. They know how to hook up to your sympathetic part and charm you in order to exploit you. When a person with a porous energy system meets with a narcissist, it is hard to break off.
 

Just as the codependent is working to get away and become emotionally free from trauma bonding and abuse, the narcissist is working to bring the codependent back under their control. 

It is important for the codependent to develop a network of professionals, friends, and trusted family members who understand their goals and are actively, positively, and compassionately there to support them in their journey forward.
 

Exploring the relationship through therapy to see the gaslighting, emotional abuse, criticism, control, and the addictive aspects of the relationship is hard work, but it also provides the opportunity for the codependent to recognize, acknowledge, and affirm his or her own positive choices to get away and avoid being held as an emotional prisoner in the relationship.
 

In addition to this work, learning to identify narcissistic and abusive behavior patterns is a critical part of not just healing, but avoiding these types of relationships in the future.

 

If you are experiencing a trauma bond with an emotional or physical abuser, the first step is awareness.

Know that it is the addictive nature of the trauma bond and the effects of intermittent reinforcement which contribute to the source of your bond, not the merits of the abuser or the relationship itself.

This will help you to distance yourself from seeing your relationship as a "special" one just in need of more of your time, energy, or patience. Malignant narcissists follow hardwired behaviors and will not change for you or anyone else. Get distance from your abuser, even if you feel you cannot leave yet.

Narcissists depend on the energy of others to deal with their own internal emptiness. Upsetting people and robbing them of their energy is a way narcissist comes alive. The key is to understand this dynamic and protect yourself from absorbing the energy of these people. It is also helpful to stand your ground and state your needs to break the hold.

Work with a trauma-informed counselor to process the trauma, examine the cycle of abuse, reconnect with the reality of the abusive relationship, and place responsibility where it truly belongs.
 

The abuse you endured was not your fault, and neither was the trauma bond that formed.

You deserve a life free of abuse and mistreatment. You deserve healthy relationships and friendships which nourish you, not deplete and exploit you. You deserve to break the bonds which tether you to your abuser.

By working with a psychotherapist who is familiar with trauma recovery, those devastating patterns can be changed for a sustainable, positive future.

Source: https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/01/06/codependency-and-narcissistic-abuse/