Understanding Codependency

Personal examples:     Never Enough          How He Fooled Me        His Speeches

Sections:

• What Causes Codependency
  

• 10 Things You Need to Know About Codependency
  

• What Is Codependency & How to Reduce Tendencies

What Causes Codependency?

Once people recognize that they have codependent traits, they often begin to wonder where these codependent tendencies came from. Why are some people susceptible to codependency in their adult relationships? What causes codependency? Why is it so hard to break free from codependent relationships?
  

While the answers aren't the same for everyone, for most people it begins in childhood. This is important because children are extremely impressionable.
 

Young children don't have the cognitive abilities or life experiences to realize that the relationships they are seeing and experiencing aren't healthy; that their parents aren't always right; that parents lie and manipulate and lack the skills to provide a secure attachment.
 

Kids who grow up in dysfunctional families come to believe they don't matter and/or they're the cause of the family problems.


Dysfunctional families tend to have some of these characteristics: 

• chaotic and unpredictable 
• unsupportive
• scary and unsafe
• emotionally and/or physically neglectful
• manipulative
• blaming
• overly harsh or abusive
• shaming
• deny that the family has problems and refuse outside help
• secretive
• judgmental
• inattentive
• unrealistic expectations for children (expecting kids to be perfect or to do things beyond what's developmentally appropriate)
     

The children are blamed for the problems or are told there isn't a problem (which is very confusing because the children intuitively know something is wrong, but this feeling is never validated by the adults).
 

The easiest way for kids to understand their chaotic families is to listen to the negative and distorted messages from adults and assume "I'm the problem."
 

As a result, children learn that they are bad, unworthy, stupid, incapable, and the cause of the family dysfunction. This belief system creates the roots of adult codependent relationships.
 

__When parents aren't able to provide a stable, supportive, nurturing home environment, several things can happen:
 

• You become a caretaker. 
  If your parent was incapable of fulfilling the parenting role, you may have taken on the parenting role to fill in the gaps. You took care of your parents or siblings, paid the bills, cooked meals, and stayed up to make sure Mom didn't fall asleep with a lit cigarette and burn the house down.
   

• You learn that people who profess to love you may actually hurt you.
  Your childhood experience was that family physically and/or emotionally hurt you, abandoned you, lied to you, threatened you, and/or took advantage of your kindness. This becomes a familiar dynamic and you let friends, lovers, or family members continue to hurt you in adulthood.
   
• You become a people-pleaser. 
  Keeping people happy is another way you try to feel in control. You don't speak up or disagree out of fear. You give and give. This feeds your self-worth and gives you some emotional fulfillment.
  
  
• You struggle with boundaries.
  Nobody modeled healthy boundaries for you, so yours are either too weak (constant pleasing and care taking) or too rigid (closed off and unable to open up and trust others).
   

• You feel guilty.
  You probably feel guilty about a whole lot of things that you didn't cause. Among these things is your inability to fix your parents or family. Even though its illogical, there's a deep longing to rescue and fix. And your inability to change your family contributes to your feelings of inadequacy.
   
• You become fearful.
  Childhood was scary at times. You didn't know what to expect. Some days went smoothly, but other days you hid, worried, and cried. Now you continue to have insomnia or nightmares, feel on edge, and are afraid to be alone.
   
• You feel flawed and unworthy. 
  You grew up feeling and/or being told that there is something wrong with you. You came to believe this as fact, because it was reinforced over and over when you didn't know any other reality.  
   
• You don't trust people.
  People have betrayed and hurt you repeatedly. The result is that it's hard to get close and trust even your spouse or close friends. This is a your way of protecting yourself from future hurt, but it's also a barrier to true intimacy and connection.
   
• You wont let people help you. 
  You're not used to having your needs met or having someone take care of you. You're more comfortable giving the help than receiving it. You'd rather do it yourself than be indebted or have it used against you.
  
• You feel alone.
  For a long time you thought you were the only one with a family like this or who felt like this. You felt alone and shamed by the secrets you had to keep in childhood. When you combine this loneliness with feeling afraid and flawed, its easy to see why codependents will stay in dysfunctional relationships as adults rather than be alone. Being alone often feels like a validation that you are truly flawed and unwanted.
      
• You become overly responsible. 
  As a child, your survival or your family's survival depended on you taking on responsibilities that surpassed your age. You continue to be an extremely dependable and responsible person to the point that you may overwork and have trouble relaxing and having fun. You also take responsibility for other peoples feelings and actions.
   
• You become controlling.
  When life feels out of control and scary, you overcompensate for your feelings of helplessness by trying to control people or situations.
   
  

If you're a codependent, this is probably sounding very familiar and perhaps bringing back some childhood memories.
 

Your childhood follows you into adulthood

You carry all of these relationship dynamics and unresolved issues with you into your adult relationships. Even though their unsatisfying, confusing and scary, you repeat them because they're familiar. You don't really know what a healthy relationship is and you don't feel deserving of one.

Be compassionate with yourself

As a child, you're stuck. You can't leave your family, so you find ways to cope. You develop strategies to survive. Thinking of your codependent traits as adaptive is a compassionate way to look at them. They served you well as a child.

Now you're an adult who can see the roots of your codependency more clearly. Your parents weren't able to meet your needs. This doesn't mean you're flawed.

You no longer need to live your life as a scared child who has to prove his/her worth through every action. Its time to emerge from that cocoon and be free. Asking for help is the first step.

psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2016/04/what-causes-codependency

10 Things You Need to Know About Codependency 


Codependency is often misunderstood. It's not just a label to slap on the spouse of every alcoholic. It encompasses a wide-range of behavior and thought patterns that cause people distress to varying degrees.
 

1. Codependency is a response to trauma.

You probably developed codependent traits starting in your childhood as a way to deal with an abusive, chaotic, dysfunctional, or codependent family.
 As a child in an overwhelming situation, you learned that keeping the peace, taking care of others, denying your feelings, and trying to control things were ways to survive and cope with a scary and out of control home life.
 For some people, the trauma was subtle, almost unnoticeable. Even if your childhood was fairly normal, you may have experienced generational trauma, meaning your parents or close relatives passed some of their trauma responses down to you. 

2. Codependency feels shameful.


The foremost shame researcher, Bren Brown defines shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
 Children who grow up in dysfunctional families learn early on that there is something fundamentally wrong with them.
 Your parents may have explicitly told you this by calling you stupid or worthless or you might have gotten this message when your parents blamed you for their marital problems, addiction, or unemployment.
 We all know that there's still a huge stigma around addiction, abuse, and mental illness, so were afraid to talk about having these problems ourselves or in our families. 

Shame grows when we can't tell people about our problems; we feel alone and inadequate as if these struggles are our fault and the direct result of our flaws.
 We come to believe that were not as good as everyone else and this belief is reinforced further when people mistreat, reject, or abandon us.

3. Codependency is an unhealthy focus on other people’s problems, feelings, and needs.

Focusing on other people is a way to feel needed and to avoid or distract ourselves from our own pain. We become so focused on others that we lose ourselves in the process.
 Many codependents describe feeling addicted to another person; the abusive relationship has an obsessive quality that's hard to quit even when you know its unhealthy.
 

Your self-worth and identity are based on this relationship. You might ask yourself, Who am I and what would I do without my spouse (or child or parent)?
 This relationship gives you a sense of purpose without which, you're not sure who you are. And your loved one needs you and depends on you to do things for them. You're both dependent on each other in an unhealthy way (this the co in codependent).

4. Codependents are very sensitive to criticism.

Codependents tend to be a sensitive bunch. Our feelings are easily hurt; we've dealt with a lot of hurt, blame, and criticism in our lives.
 We do everything we can to avoid displeasing others. We'll bend over backward to keep other people happy. We divert attention away from ourselves. Sometimes we try to stay small and quiet so we don't draw any attention to ourselves.
 


5. Codependents are responsible.

Codependents are the glue that keeps a family going. We make sure the rent gets paid, the kids get to baseball practice, and the windows are shut so the neighbors don't hear the yelling.
 Most of us were very responsible children who, out of necessity, became responsible for taking care of parents, siblings, household chores, and school work without parental assistance.



We find it easier to care for others than ourselves and we gain self-esteem from being responsible, dependable, and hard working. But we pay the price when we over extend ourselves, become workaholics, or grow resentful when we do more than our share.

6. Codependents wall off their own feelings. 

Avoiding painful feelings is another coping strategy that codependents often employ. However, we cant wall off only the painful feelings; we end up disconnected from all our feelings, making it harder to fully enjoy life's joys, as well.
 Even the painful and uncomfortable feelings give us important clues about what we need.
 

For example, if your coworker takes credit for your work in an important meeting, it would be natural to feel hurt, disappointed, and/or angry. These feelings tell you that you've been mistreated, which isn't OK, and then you can figure out how to deal with it.
 If you pretend or convince yourself that you're not hurt or angry, you'll continue to allow people to take credit for your work or mistreat you in other ways.
 


7. Codependents don't ask for what they need. 

One of the offshoots of suppressing our feelings is that without attuning to and understanding our feelings, we don't know what we need. And its impossible to meet your own needs or ask others to meet them when you don't even know what they are.
 And because of our low self-esteem, we don't feel worthy to ask our partner, friends, or employer for what we need from.
 

The reality is that everyone has needs and the right to ask for them to be met. Of course, asking doesn't guarantee that they'll be met, but its much more likely when we ask assertively rather than staying passive (or waiting until we're full of rage).
 

8. Codependents give, even when it hurts. 

Caretaking and enabling are hallmarks of codependency. What makes it unhealthy is that codependents will put their time, energy, and money into helping or doing for others even when it causes them distress or hardship.
 This caring nature also makes us susceptible to being mistreated or taken advantage of. We struggle to set boundaries and need to strive for a balance between helping others and taking care of ourselves.
 

9. Codependency isn't a mental health diagnosis.

Many people with codependency have clinical levels of anxiety, depression, and PTSD due to trauma and genetics, but codependency itself isn't a mental disorder.
 Also, remember that going to counseling or psychotherapy doesn't mean there is something wrong with you; you may feel empty and defective, but that doesn't mean you are!
  

10. You can change your codependent patterns. 

People can recover from codependency. I'm not going to lie and tell you its easy, but I do know its possible.
 Change is a gradual process that requires lots of practice and an openness to try new things and to feel a little uncomfortable in the process.
 You may find that professional therapy is very helpful in addition to self-help resources such as books or 12-step programs. 

 

Codependency is not your fault, but you are the only one who can change it. You're worthy of healthy love and relationships.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2017/07/10-things-you-need-to-know-about-codependency#5

What Is Codependency?

Codependency is a focus on other people's problems, feelings, needs, and wants while minimizing or ignoring your own. Codependents see other people as more important than themselves and prioritize taking care of them in order to feel needed, loved, or worthwhile. While we all need and rely on other people, codependents are overly dependent on others emotionally. They need others to tell them that their feelings and needs are valid, that their opinions are acceptable, and that they are good enough. They rely on others for their identity and sense of worth.
 

Following are some of the most common symptoms of codependency. You don't need to have them all to consider yourself codependent. I find it's helpful to think of codependency on a spectrum: Some of us experience more symptoms and distress due to codependent traits than others.

• Fixing, helping, or rescuing others gives you a sense of purpose and makes you feel needed (or lovable).

• You focus on other people and their problems and ignore your own feelings and needs.

• You may enable, give unsolicited advice, or be controlling.

• You often feel worried or anxious, guilty, and ashamed.

• You're self-critical and possibly perfectionistic.

• You feel responsible for everyone and everything.

• You don't have a strong sense of who you are, what you like, how you feel, or what matters to you.

• You're a people-pleaser who will sacrifice what you want or need to avoid upsetting or disappointing others.

• You have trouble setting boundaries and being assertive.

• Intimacy, open communication, and trust are difficult.

• You have difficulty asking for and accepting help.

• You're afraid of abandonment, criticism, and rejection, which can lead to people-pleasing, a lack of boundaries, and tolerating mistreatment.

• You're probably hard-working, overly responsible, and give to the point of exhaustion or resentment.

• You suppress or numb your feelings and absorb other people's feelings.

• You have low self-esteem, feel unlovable, or not good enough.

• You want to feel in control and have a hard time adjusting when things don't go according to plan or the way you want.

What is a codependent relationship?

Codependent relationships are unbalanced. Typically, one person becomes overly responsible, which enables the other to under-function and avoid responsibility. Often the other person struggles with addiction, mental illness, or emotional immaturity. And they remain stuck, in part, because the codependent makes excuses for them, takes over their responsibilities, and makes sure they're taken care of.

You can develop a codependent relationship with a spouse, child, parent, or friend. And it's quite likely that if you have multiple codependent traits, that many of your relationships are affected.

Codependents focus on trying to please, help, fix, and control other people and situations. We can become so wrapped up in other people's problems-obsessed at times- that we lose track of who we are, what we want, and how to be happy within ourselves.

What causes codependency?

Many people who grew up in dysfunctional families struggle with codependency in adulthood. Codependent traits usually develop as a result of childhood trauma, often in families in which a parent is addicted, mentally ill, abusive, or neglectful. These traits can be passed down from one generation to the next in dysfunctional families. Codependent traits serve a purpose in childhood -they help us cope with scary, confusing, and unpredictable family lives-but they cause us problems in adulthood.

How do you recover?

Healing from codependency means rebalancing ourselves: Instead of focusing so much on what others need, we must consider our own needs and make them a priority. This doesn't mean that you should never consider other people's needs or take care of them; it just means that your needs are as important as other people's and that if you don't take care of yourself, you'll end up depleted, resentful, and unfulfilled.

Healing from codependency includes not only knowing what you need, but asking for it. We can't continue to feel and act like victims or martyrs. We must learn to communicate assertively, stand up for ourselves, set boundaries to protect ourselves from being mistreated, and create relationships where we give and receive.

Healing from codependency also includes getting to know yourself. Often, codependents spend so much time thinking about and trying to take care of or appease others that they lose touch with themselves. So, we need to intentionally explore who we are-what we like, what's important to us, what our goals are, and so forth.

And as we heal from codependency, we need to treat ourselves with kindness. Codependents tend to be hard on themselves, self-critical, and unforgiving. This is both unwarranted and unhelpful. Instead, we should offer ourselves kindness, acceptance, and support, treating ourselves as we would a dear friend. Self-compassion is another way to value and care for ourselves and it's been shown to increase resiliency and motivation and decrease stress.

You can conquer codependency. Recovery is a process and it can be overwhelming when you think about all the changes you want to make. But the good news is that recovery isn't all or nothing. You can benefit from making even just a few small changes. Take it slowly, and with consistent practice, support, and learning new skills you will gradually feel more confident and know you're on the path to recovering from codependency.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquering-codependency/202010/how-conquer-codependency