Vulnerable to Narcissists

Sections:

• Why Traumatized People Attract Narcissists
    

• 7 Traits That Make You Vulnerable to Narcissistic Manipulation
    
  

• Trauma Survivors Risk of Future Abusive Relationships
  

Why Traumatized People Attract Narcissists
 

“Narcissist magnet” refers to there being things about you that may make you vulnerable to entering or staying in narcissistic relationships. 

Having a history of trauma can actually make you a magnet for narcissistic relationships, or just a magnet for narcissists in general. 

A lifetime history of trauma is a vulnerability factor for a whole host of issues in life, including mental health issues, physical health issues, and decision-making. 

A history of trauma is often predictive of future vulnerability to trauma.

There are many reasons for this we know that trauma directly impacts the brain and how we process information, memory, and emotion. Trauma is stressful and impacts neuro endocrine systems in our body that affect immune function and a whole host of other health issues.

Trauma is also found to impact decision-making and can result in more risky decision-making that can place a person at risk for harm. Often this can happen because of difficulties in processing fear based stimuli along with other issues associated with traumatic stress.

A subset of people who experience trauma may go on to develop symptoms that comprise post-traumatic stress disorder, which includes patterns such as avoidance, vigilance or constantly monitoring your environment for threats, arousal, or feeling sort of anxiously on edge all the time experiencing and often thinking about nightmare or flashing back to the traumatic memory.. And above all else, lots of anxiety and also things like social withdrawal. 

So in other words, trauma not good. 

Sadly and tragically so many people blame themselves for their own trauma. If you do this, it results in devaluing yourself. If a person doesn't get help, and even in some cases when they do, it's not uncommon for a person to continue to blame themselves for bad things that happen in their lives as children, and even as adults.

The combination of self-devaluation, self-blame, and a possibility of risky decision-making makes it pretty clear why people with histories of trauma are more vulnerable to narcissistic people in their lives.. and in return, to narcissistic abuse.

From the jump a person who is experienced chronic childhood neglect or trauma may very well have had narcissistic and high conflict, antagonistic, and dysregulated people in their lives. People who emerge from narcissistic family systems are already primed for trauma-bonding and to be narcissist magnets.

The likelihood of self-devaluation and 'not enough-ness' that's so endemic of people who are survivors of trauma is exactly where a narcissistic individual can easily manipulate, gaslight, and devalue.

Narcissistic abuse, in many ways, parallels the invalidation of trauma. It becomes a sticky dance, particularly for a trauma survivor who doesn't know about narcissism. It can literally replay a toxic script from the past making it very difficult to see the red flags.

A person who is a trauma survivor can experience classical toxic dynamics when they experience gaslighting, they will blame themselves, which then makes them more vulnerable to ongoing manipulation.

In addition, trauma survivors may be more likely to isolate themselves from other people, and that can make the control dynamics of the narcissistic relationship even more potentially dangerous. 

I have always held that one of the primary reasons that people do enter narcissistic relationships is because they do not understand these patterns or what they're about. They also don't understand that these patterns are very unlikely to change and that they're manipulative and play upon earlier trauma dynamics.

Armed with that knowledge many survivors of trauma can learn that these patterns are real and learn how to identify and hopefully protect themselves when they arise in their lives. But there's also the added need of trauma focused therapy. 

All the education in the world will not make an impact unless a person can do a deeper dive to understand how their trauma is impacting them into adulthood. To unpack all of that and be enlightened about the dynamics of narcissism are key issues that can be protective.

The reflexive self-devaluation often observed in trauma survivors is a key ingredient to why they are at a greater risk of being manipulated and abused by narcissistic individuals.  

There is a vulnerability for initially getting sucked into the dynamics of a narcissistic relationship, and then for getting stuck, even when the red flags are popping up everywhere.

For those who have experienced trauma, let's face it, one of the greatest vulnerabilities anyone has, one of our most magnet-y elements, is that too many of us feel as though we are not enough and need to earn the love or the regard of another person. That damaged inner script is what keeps people stuck, and that script is often multiplied in people who have survived trauma. 

In this particular case therapy is critical because understanding your experience and placing it into a context is essential for recovery.

Trauma qualifies as anything from physical abuse, sexual abuse, ongoing psychological abuse, neglect, to witnessing violence.

Many times people think trauma has a much more narrow definition, but it takes more territory than you think. In my years of doing therapy many people come in, and then they sort of unveil and slowly lift the layers of their history. They may not even recognize that their early history was riddled with trauma, and we get to the core of that. It also helps them often understand how they keep getting into toxic relationships 

It's critical for anyone who does have a history of trauma to do the deep dive in trauma oriented therapy. Therapy is such a useful tool. Almost everyone gets physical exams each year.. Getting some kind of therapy checkup isn't a bad idea either because it may open your eyes to dynamics in your life that may continue to put you at risk.

When we talk about trauma we often talk about pain, loss, and negative effects, but never lose sight of what is also termed post-traumatic growth. This is the psychological growth that comes from being able to see that you are not defined by your trauma and to build out all of the healthy parts of yourself. Trauma is not destiny. 

While trauma may place a person at risk, it is a cycle that can be ended.

7 Traits That Make You Vulnerable to Narcissistic Manipulation

Narcissists are attracted to people with specific qualities. These qualities give the abuser a foot in the door to carry out their narcissistic manipulation tactics and suck the life force from their victims.

Other people might not put up with narcissistic abuse past a very early point. But people with empathic traits are different: they have a desire to help, heal, and fix people.

They believe people deserve unconditional love even narcissists.

With these traits, you might as well be wearing a red bullseye for narcissists. But, you dont have to put up with it, and you CAN change how you react to narcissistic abuse. Identifying what draws narcissists to your personality is the first step.
 

1. You're Trusting and Have Integrity

Some people believe that trust must be earned upon meeting someone. After all, how can you trust someone you've just met?

For you, trust doesn't have to be earned from the get-go: you naturally trust people to treat you with respect and do the right thing.

Why? Because you have integrity yourself and you're a trustworthy person. You expect that people are worthy of your trust until they've broken it.

Narcissists know that you're naturally trusting, and they use this to their advantage to carry out their narcissistic manipulation tactics against you. They know they can get away with lies on top of lies because they know you really want to trust them.
 

2. You Value Equality and Treat Others with Respect

You believe that relationships are a 50/50 experience and you treat others the way you'd like to be treated.

When you first met the narcissist, they probably obliged your need for basic equality and dignity. But brick by brick, their charade started to crumble. Until one day, you find yourself apologizing because you had the nerve to let the narcissist know they hurt your feelings.

The narcissist used their cognitive empathy to get into your head and exploit your compassionate empathy.
 

3. You Refuse to Give Up

To narcissists, people with compassionate empathy are like a drug. Every time they beat you down and carry out their narcissistic manipulation tactics to exploit you, they get their fragile ego fix and no one abusing drugs wants their supply to run out.

The narcissist knows you'll never give up (or so they think) because its in your nature to see things through until the end. That's why they cling to you and wont let go. That's why they seemingly love you and abuse you at the same time.
 

4. You Love Unconditionally

This is perhaps one of the most bittersweet traits that makes you a magnet for narcissists. They know that when you love someone, you love them unconditionally.

This can apply to all types of relationships including romantic partners, friends, and family members. You believe that everyone is deserving of unconditional love.

The narcissist understands this about you and fully exploits it. In between fights and abusive slurs, you may find the narcissist will briefly apologize, shower you with praise, and promise to change. This is all a facade to make you believe that they too love you unconditionally and they use it to keep you hooked until the next outburst.
 

5. You're Honest and Compassionate

To the narcissist, honesty and compassion aren't traits one should brag about. These traits are weaknesses that should be hidden.

Why? Because someone could exploit these vulnerable traits and thats exactly what narcissists do.

In the beginning, the narcissist will pretend to appreciate your honesty and compassion. However, slowly but surely, they will use these traits against you.

Did you tell the narcissist your worst fears? Things that make you sad or mad? Trauma from your past?

The narcissist will freely dig all of that up every time they need to carry out narcissistic manipulation tactics and exploit your genuine (and very valid) emotions. Narcissists don't hate your honesty they love to exploit it every chance they get.
 

6. Your Desire to Heal Others and Fix People

You believe that if everyone had a loving environment in which to thrive, and the right opportunities, they could turn themselves around.

The narcissist knows that you have a burning desire to truly heal them, so they cling to you for dear life. They know that you'll never turn down their fights and you'll always react emotionally to their abuse. This is how the narcissist manipulates you for their own gain.

It’s hard, if not impossible, to fix anyone who doesn't want to be fixed let alone a narcissist.

No matter how many times they tell you they want and intend to change their ways, this is just a lie to give you hope that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
 

7. You Have Trouble Setting Boundaries

As someone who loves unconditionally, is automatically trusting, and has a strong desire to fix people, it only makes sense that you have trouble setting boundaries.

This is perhaps one of the first traits narcissists identify when they search for a new victim because it’s one of the easiest to spot. People who are good at setting boundaries are very vocal about their boundaries upon meeting someone and narcissists can easily sniff this out.

Narcissists are drawn to empathic people who have trouble setting boundaries because they know you'll put up with their narcissistic manipulation and abuse as long as they can dish it out.

And by the time you decide to draw any kind of boundary it’s far too late. The narcissist will simply laugh in your face, gaslight you, and tear it down.

SOURCE: https://psychcentral.com/blog/liberation/2019/03/these-7-traits-make-you-vulnerable-to-narcissistic-manipulation#7-Empathic-Traits-That-Make-You-Vulnerable-to-Narcissistic-Manipulation

Trauma Survivors Risk of Future Abusive Relationships
 

In her 2012 TED talk on domestic violence, Leslie Morgan Steiner discusses what she calls "crazy love," the irrational and often deadly tendency to be oblivious to the red flags that indicate you are sharing your life with an abusive partner.

After discussing the typical situations that often lead to an abusive relationship, Steiner states that by asking the question, "Why doesn't she just leave him?" we are blaming the victim for falling in love with someone who would go on to abuse them.

While Steiner was not a victim of childhood abuse, many women and men who find themselves in similar situations are.

Victims are never at fault; no one asks to be victimized by their relationship partner. But for those who do have a prior history of abuse and who might find themselves in repetitive abusive cycles, what ability do they have to become aware of their vulnerability to future abuse? And more important, could such awareness be helpful to them?

When children witness or experience abuse, it can have a detrimental effect on their well being as an adult. Their experiences have been linked to the development of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, as well as eating disorders later in life. Early exposure can also place individuals at a higher risk of experiencing abusive relationships in the future.

Joanna Iwona Potkanska, a Toronto-based social worker and trauma-informed psychotherapist says, "We tend to remain in patterns that are familiar to us. We often do not realize that the relationships we are in are abusive, especially if we grew up in dysfunctional families."

Based on British psychiatrist John Bowlby's original work on attachment, theorists view the attachment style one develops as a child as related to adult relational patterns. Internal understanding of how relationships work derives from primary caregivers and is the basis of later interactions.

"It would be foolish to say that observing domestic abuse from a young age doesn't have an impact on a person's future relationships. It contributes to the construction of a child's belief system – on how a relationship should be and what it should look like," says Whitney Wilson, a counselor for the Partner Assault Response program at the John Howard Society of Toronto.

Wilson considers exposure to early domestic abuse as altering one's view of romantic relationships in many ways. "It's similar to having a parent that smokes; smoking becomes normalized and may influence your decision to smoke. Or, you may dislike that your parent smokes and swear off it. It really depends on your lived experience and how it affects the formation of your beliefs."

According to Potkanska, when we experience interpersonal trauma, whether physical, emotional, sexual or spiritual, we often lose our sense of self. The abuse becomes part of our story and is deeply internalized.

She says that when offenders are also caregivers, victims most often blame themselves. "The idea that we are loved as we are being abused, or that we are being abused because we are loved(many perpetrators use this excuse to justify their actions) can become a template for the way we relate to the world and ourselves."

So, if a woman grows up with a model of relationships that involved abuse, anger, and shame, will she believe that she deserves a different kind of relationship? Or might she believe that a relationship based on support and love simply does not exist?

It depends… The way people make sense of their early relationships, and the conclusions they draw from them, depend a good deal on what occurs in other important relationships in their lives. And nowhere is this seen more clearly than in the area of counseling and psychotherapy.

By working with a therapist, individuals can learn to identify how they interpret experiences based on 'old information' and can learn to recognize the warning signs of an abusive relationship.

Without learning how to set healthy boundaries, we allow others to harm us and we re-enact conscious or unconscious situations in an attempt to have either a different outcome, or to reinforce what we already believe about ourselves.

Healthy attachments to other supportive family members and mentors can buffer the effects of childhood abuse. For those not fortunate enough to experience positive relationships growing up, there are other ways to break the cycle.

The connection a survivor builds with their therapist is meant to act as a model for secure attachment. This can then translate to the way the individual perceives themselves and how they interact with others.

Potkanska emphasizes safety and space within the therapeutic relationship, noting that "Simple actions like ensuring that adequate physical space exists between myself and my client shows that I respect their boundaries."

A large part of the therapy process focuses on building an identity that is separate from the abuse.

"Romantic partners and relationships become a way to soothe and regulate, and so when clients are taught to self-soothe, they are less likely to look to their partner to provide what their perpetrator has failed to do. They eventually rely more on themselves and other resources, including healthy relationships, to meet their needs," says Potkanska.

Even with therapy, breaking the cycle of abuse can be difficult. Building an identity separate from abuse can take years of self-work, and often people cannot afford therapy or have limited access to resources.

And then there are the socio-political causes that force people to remain in abusive situations. Potkanska points out, "Without adequate financial support, women and children are reliant on their perpetrators. Our legal system does a poor job at protecting survivors of violence, even after they leave the abuser." Not only that, but it is usually after the victim has left that they are in the most danger. Simply because, as Leslie Morgan Steiner states, "the abuser has nothing left to lose."

So what do people who've experienced abuse as children, but go on to have normal and healthy relationships do so differently?

According to Wilson, "It's really an active process for all of us, even those who were not abused. Because we've allowed society to normalize things like verbal or emotional abuse you have to really know what a healthy relationship looks like and know that it's hard work."

Being in a healthy relationship is about giving yourself permission not to have to accept abuse. And for many, that takes practice. You have to first identify that you're stuck in a cycle of violence, and then decide you have the right to break it.

SOURCE: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/201601/trauma-survivors-risk-future-abusive-relationships

How does codependency develop? What makes them vulnerable to narcissists?

Over time, it became clear to mental health providers that certain experiences during early childhood predispose one to become codependent. Codependent behavior is usually learned in childhood when raised in a home in which one must be responsive to others in order to be loved. 

A child who feels that they must constantly earn love and approval, rather than receive it unconditionally, will be more prone to grow up feeling overly concerned with gaining approval from others. It's that excessive feeling of responsibility for the emotional and even physical state of others that leads to the obsession with the others' behavior.

And therein lies the vulnerability to the narcissist, who will demand attention, manipulate, deceive, and exploit the codependent's need to gain their approval. Codependents have difficulty setting clear boundaries of what they should or should not do for others. For a thorough understanding of how the codependent is especially vulnerable to the narcissist, the reader is referred to the work of Ross Rosenberg, known globally for his knowledge of the codependent-narcissist relationship.

Gaslighting can lead to trauma, which can lead to Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). Alongside psychological trauma, long-term effects of gaslighting include anxiety, depression, and isolation.